Need Parent/Mom relationship help. Sorry Long

[Tinker'n'Fun]

My mother and I have had a strained relationship lately. DH and I moved very close to her while my Dad was sick and passing. We did it so we could help her maintain the house, mental support, etc.

My Dad passed almost 10 years ago. We were settled so we did not move. My relationship with my mother has had its ups and downs.

A few weeks ago my mother called and said she was going to the store for rolls. I had fresh purchased rolls in my house (purchased the day before) and they were dated for the next week. No problem. She has COPD so I walked them to her.

Go forward around three hours later. We had the rolls for dinner and she called to tell me the rolls were yeasty and moldy and "did I want my rolls back". I was quite taken by the statement and pretty much said no, do what you want, and hung up. I was short, said good-bye but my feeling were hurt.

So I told DH and I wished she would have just thrown them out and did not say anything to me. I still don't understand if she thought they were bad I would want them back. She knew we ate ours the same time.

Fast-forward next day, Mom calls and tells me I have no right to be upset with her because she has COPD and food taste and smells funny. I told her, next time just throw it out, you really hurt my feeling. She went on to tell me that "You have no right to feel that was way, and I was out of line". I decided not to speak for her for a bit.

It was about a week and we were going on vacation. I called her to let her know when we were leaving, gave numbers, etc. She did not pick up the phone. I said everything to her machine. She called back my son and told him to have a good time.

We brought her home some very nice souveniers and when DS went to cut her grass he gave her the gifts from the family (yes he said family), she thanked him, but never called me and or DH and DD.

I am now at a loss. I miss her calls and talking every few days. I am concerned because she does call my DS and talk trash and such about myself and is putting him in the middle. I told him to please tell her to stop (he is 17) and that if she has a problem to call me.

I am actually done. I don't need this in my life. It is my opinion I did nothing wrong (and if I did, I am sure I will be told here and I can re-evaluate my thoughts).

Here are few extra's because all stories have extra's:

- We are not friends, I made that clear when Dad died, she has not sought out any type of entertainment for herself. She only has 4 friends and to honest, they are also tired of her attitude.

- I have 2 siblings who both have give-me syndrome and are not there unless there is something in if for them.

- DH and I plan on moving in a few years and I would like to be on talking terms with her prior to leaving.

- I have called since, she does not pick up and I refuse to leave another message.

- She has told DS that I am at fault 100%.

- I am ashamed to admit I don't miss the quiet days where she calls over 6 times in the morning.

Okay, give it to me. Advice, words of wisdom, suggestions on how to fix this, and would anyone just let it be and see what happens.

Thanks for getting this far if you did.

 

[Sadie22]

Your mother is older and has been living without her life partner for ten years. Maybe she is depressed. Maybe she just has too much time to dwell on her ailments. COPD is very serious. Of course you did not mean to give her moldy rolls. These things happen. It does not matter whether or not the rolls were actually moldy. Go to your mother, apologize, and realize that she is old and alone and may not be as sharp as she used to be. Be the adult in the relationship. Give her some care.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Your mother is older and has been living without her life partner for ten years. Maybe she is depressed. Maybe she just has too much time to dwell on her ailments. Of course you did not mean to give her moldy rolls. These things happen. It does not matter whether or not the rolls were actually moldy. Go to your mother, apologize, and realize that she is old and alone and may not be as sharp as she used to be. Be the adult in the relationship. Give her some care.

I have tried to call and stop - she will not answer the phone or door unless it is my son. You are right though, I need to buck up and keep trying, but I can't just break in.

For the record, the rolls were not moldy at all. It was just her way to "jab" me. I am used to them most of the time, this one just upset me more.

You are right about her being depressed. I have offered to go with her to a senior center and or counseling. She claims all is well and I am being mean to her by suggesting it.

I will try to call again today and see if she picks up the phone. She is not really that old - a young 70.

 

[sam_gordon]

My mother and I have had a strained relationship lately. DH and I moved very close to her while my Dad was sick and passing. We did it so we could help her maintain the house, mental support, etc.

My Dad passed almost 10 years ago. We were settled so we did not move. My relationship with my mother has had its ups and downs.

A few weeks ago my mother called and said she was going to the store for rolls. I had fresh purchased rolls in my house (purchased the day before) and they were dated for the next week. No problem. She has COPD so I walked them to her.

Go forward around three hours later. We had the rolls for dinner and she called to tell me the rolls were yeasty and moldy and "did I want my rolls back". I was quite taken by the statement and pretty much said no, do what you want, and hung up. I was short, said good-bye but my feeling were hurt.

So I told DH and I wished she would have just thrown them out and did not say anything to me. I still don't understand if she thought they were bad I would want them back. She knew we ate ours the same time.

Fast-forward next day, Mom calls and tells me I have no right to be upset with her because she has COPD and food taste and smells funny. I told her, next time just throw it out, you really hurt my feeling. She went on to tell me that "You have no right to feel that was way, and I was out of line". I decided not to speak for her for a bit.

It was about a week and we were going on vacation. I called her to let her know when we were leaving, gave numbers, etc. She did not pick up the phone. I said everything to her machine. She called back my son and told him to have a good time.

We brought her home some very nice souveniers and when DS went to cut her grass he gave her the gifts from the family (yes he said family), she thanked him, but never called me and or DH and DD.

I am now at a loss. I miss her calls and talking every few days. I am concerned because she does call my DS and talk trash and such about myself and is putting him in the middle. I told him to please tell her to stop (he is 17) and that if she has a problem to call me.

I am actually done. I don't need this in my life. It is my opinion I did nothing wrong (and if I did, I am sure I will be told here and I can re-evaluate my thoughts).

Here are few extra's because all stories have extra's:

- We are not friends, I made that clear when Dad died, she has not sought out any type of entertainment for herself. She only has 4 friends and to honest, they are also tired of her attitude.

- I have 2 siblings who both have give-me syndrome and are not there unless there is something in if for them.

- DH and I plan on moving in a few years and I would like to be on talking terms with her prior to leaving.

- I have called since, she does not pick up and I refuse to leave another message.

- She has told DS that I am at fault 100%.

- I am ashamed to admit I don't miss the quiet days where she calls over 6 times in the morning.

Okay, give it to me. Advice, words of wisdom, suggestions on how to fix this, and would anyone just let it be and see what happens.

Thanks for getting this far if you did.

Based simply on what you posted, I don't understand why you were upset that she didn't want the rolls. OK, I get that you didn't have a problem with the rolls, but when she called to say hers were moldy, I don't understand why that would make you upset.

If you want to be on at least friendly "terms", I suggest going and talking to her. If you don't care what kind of terms you're on, simply move on with your life.

 

[kwelch10377]

You decided not to speak to her over an incident with rolls?? I really don't see an issue with her calling you and telling you the rolls weren't good. Maybe she asked if you wanted them back so you could return them to the store since they were dated for the next week and they already seemed to be bad.

I get that you may have other issues with her, but to get upset/mad over an issue with rolls seems a little silly.

 

[Laura66]

If you have only had a strained relationship lately I'd cut her a huge break.
Sounds like she's very lonely and probably suffering from depression. Sounds like she knows she can count on you and knows you are the most responsible of her children and that's why she leans on you. Could she also be starting to suffer from dementia or could any of her medications be causing memory loss or personality changes?
We have many many threads on here about children that never grow up, talk trash about their families and friends and take advantage of their family and friends. These people are very toxic and expert at sucking people into their drama. I imagine it's very hard for your mother being older and alone and perhapse suffering from depression and other health problems to not fall prey to that.
My guess - and I'm only going from what you have here - is that deep down she does appreciate all you do and knows she can lean on you.
I'd try my best not to take it personally and continue to do what you do for her and gently change the subject when she complains.
My neighbor's mother had to stop living by herself because of memory loss and failing health. She ended up moving in with my neighbor and her family, a caretaker and my family helped care for her. It was an honor but very difficult to see such a beloved lady who was so kind decline mentally and physically. At first it was very slow - things you just scratched your head and thought she forgot what? Or wow, she doesn't usually say things that mean spirited.
I might be totally off - but I see so many threads here where people expect so many things from their aging parents and I don't think they really understand how getting older is so hard for them.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Based simply on what you posted, I don't understand why you were upset that she didn't want the rolls. OK, I get that you didn't have a problem with the rolls, but when she called to say hers were moldy, I don't understand why that would make you upset.

If you want to be on at least friendly "terms", I suggest going and talking to her. If you don't care what kind of terms you're on, simply move on with your life.

The rolls were not moldy and I was upset that she asked me if I wanted them back. We ate the rolls at the same time. She did it at a "jab". As I said she does this often. I was upset that she told me that "I don't get the option to be upset.

I took only 2 days off calling her. Had she called me, I would have taken the phone call.

I am not upset over the rolls it is the fact that I don't get to have feelings, only her.

It looks though from the replies that I was wrong. Please note I can accept that.

I tried calling her after the first reply and got her machine. I got a message, but I know she is home. At this point I do not feel comfortable enough to walk down. I will see if she calls me back.
g

 

[okeydokey]

Obviously this is not about rolls, but about how you treat each other. If her quirks bother you, you can ignore them, or confront her. She doesn't take well to confrontation, so you need to decide what is really important.

Maybe you should go over there to have a talk, apologize if you upset her, and explain that your feelings were hurt too. It seems that 6 calls a day was too much for you and you snapped, but you don't like not getting any calls either.

It may be time to redefine your relationship. Get together a time or two a week, and you can each live your own lives otherwise. You can't make her be the mother you want her to be, you have to decide to accept it, or not, then act accordingly.

 

[penn19]

My mother and I have had a strained relationship lately. DH and I moved very close to her while my Dad was sick and passing. We did it so we could help her maintain the house, mental support, etc.

My Dad passed almost 10 years ago. We were settled so we did not move. My relationship with my mother has had its ups and downs.

A few weeks ago my mother called and said she was going to the store for rolls. I had fresh purchased rolls in my house (purchased the day before) and they were dated for the next week. No problem. She has COPD so I walked them to her.

Go forward around three hours later. We had the rolls for dinner and she called to tell me the rolls were yeasty and moldy and "did I want my rolls back". I was quite taken by the statement and pretty much said no, do what you want, and hung up. I was short, said good-bye but my feeling were hurt.

So I told DH and I wished she would have just thrown them out and did not say anything to me. I still don't understand if she thought they were bad I would want them back. She knew we ate ours the same time.

Fast-forward next day, Mom calls and tells me I have no right to be upset with her because she has COPD and food taste and smells funny. I told her, next time just throw it out, you really hurt my feeling. She went on to tell me that "You have no right to feel that was way, and I was out of line". I decided not to speak for her for a bit.

It was about a week and we were going on vacation. I called her to let her know when we were leaving, gave numbers, etc. She did not pick up the phone. I said everything to her machine. She called back my son and told him to have a good time.

We brought her home some very nice souveniers and when DS went to cut her grass he gave her the gifts from the family (yes he said family), she thanked him, but never called me and or DH and DD.

I am now at a loss. I miss her calls and talking every few days. I am concerned because she does call my DS and talk trash and such about myself and is putting him in the middle. I told him to please tell her to stop (he is 17) and that if she has a problem to call me.

I am actually done. I don't need this in my life. It is my opinion I did nothing wrong (and if I did, I am sure I will be told here and I can re-evaluate my thoughts).

Here are few extra's because all stories have extra's:

- We are not friends, I made that clear when Dad died, she has not sought out any type of entertainment for herself. She only has 4 friends and to honest, they are also tired of her attitude.

- I have 2 siblings who both have give-me syndrome and are not there unless there is something in if for them.

- DH and I plan on moving in a few years and I would like to be on talking terms with her prior to leaving.

- I have called since, she does not pick up and I refuse to leave another message.

- She has told DS that I am at fault 100%.

- I am ashamed to admit I don't miss the quiet days where she calls over 6 times in the morning.

Okay, give it to me. Advice, words of wisdom, suggestions on how to fix this, and would anyone just let it be and see what happens.

Thanks for getting this far if you did.

Sis, is that you? Sounds like MY mom. Hard to give advice because all people feel differently. What I did was cut my losses. Yes, my mom is old, but you know what? She was that way when she was younger also.

It would bother me if my mom was putting my kid in the middle of it. For me I just had to say enough is enough. I feel so much better now that I no longer have a relationship with her. It's sad, and I know a lot of people (mostly those with good relationships with their mom!) don't understand but I had to do what was right for me and my family.

I guess in the end it depends on how much you value a relationship with your mom.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

If you have only had a strained relationship lately I'd cut her a huge break.
Sounds like she's very lonely and probably suffering from depression. Sounds like she knows she can count on you and knows you are the most responsible of her children and that's why she leans on you. Could she also be starting to suffer from dementia or could any of her medications be causing memory loss or personality changes?
We have many many threads on here about children that never grow up, talk trash about their families and friends and take advantage of their family and friends. These people are very toxic and expert at sucking people into their drama. I imagine it's very hard for your mother being older and alone and perhapse suffering from depression and other health problems to not fall prey to that.
My guess - and I'm only going from what you have here - is that deep down she does appreciate all you do and knows she can lean on you.
I'd try my best not to take it personally and continue to do what you do for her and gently change the subject when she complains.
My neighbor's mother had to stop living by herself because of memory loss and failing health. She ended up moving in with my neighbor and her family, a caretaker and my family helped care for her. It was an honor but very difficult to see such a beloved lady who was so kind decline mentally and physically. At first it was very slow - things you just scratched your head and thought she forgot what? Or wow, she doesn't usually say things that mean spirited.
I might be totally off - but I see so many threads here where people expect so many things from their aging parents and I don't think they really understand how getting older is so hard for them.

Thanks for your reply. I guess I am more at a loss with how to "go further" in the relationship. I have called and stopped once. She is avoiding me. I don't "expect" much from my mom, but the idea that I don't get feelings is really hard for me to accept. I get I was wrong. (and yes I get it more now that others are saying so, my family thinks she was being overly mean to me). Tough pill to swallow, but I did try.

As for dementia and memory I am the only one who thinks it needs to be addressed. Both siblings ignore it and she has her doctor fooled. We used to have the same doctor, I would tell him examples of what was going on, and her would ask her and she would change the whole situation around.

For those who think I was being mean, I wasn't. I was hurt and rather than show that to her, I didn't call for two days. This is not uncommon. She is the one who calls me all the time.

SO THIS is where we are now - she is avoiding me, what would you do?

 

[luvmy3]

.
A few weeks ago my mother called and said she was going to the store for rolls. I had fresh purchased rolls in my house (purchased the day before) and they were dated for the next week. No problem. She has COPD so I walked them to her.

The rolls were not moldy and I was upset that she asked me if I wanted them back. We ate the rolls at the same time. She did it at a "jab". As I said she does this often. I was upset that she told me that "I don't get the option to be upset.

I know this is much deeper than the rolls but maybe when you decided to give her your rolls instead of "letting" her go to the store to get her own, she took that as a jab.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

As has been said, this is really not about rolls. Perhaps you could consider going to her place and if she doesn't answer, call and leave a message saying something to the effect of "Mom, I love you and I miss talking with you. I'm sorry that we've had this falling out and I'd like it if we could mend the fence." If it's her answering machine, suggest that she give you a call when convenient. And then let it go.....say the serenity prayer as needed... At that point the ball would be back in her court and you don't have control over her or any grudges she may hold onto. At least you will know that you've taken the high road and you are not continuing this game.

My mother is quite the grudge-holder and stayed mad at my sister when my sister was maybe 20 years old and tried to elope (her guy wasn't old enough, though, and they ended up with a simple church wedding...).....my mom talked about it for over 30 YEARS! They have a very strained relationship now and much of it has to do with this issue. Sad.

 

[lizabu]

I don't think the rolls were moldy or that she did it as a personal jab. I think you are taking it way too personally. I think the rolls were about getting attention. Instead it backfired on her and she got the opposite of what she wanted and now she's sulking. If you want to mend this fence you have to be the bigger person. Maybe buy her some flowers or some other gift and bring it over to her. I would expect her to open the door and probably be pretty prickly but I would tell her I love her and always will and then step back and let her unruffle her feathers.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

Obviously this is not about rolls, but about how you treat each other. If her quirks bother you, you can ignore them, or confront her. She doesn't take well to confrontation, so you need to decide what is really important.

Maybe you should go over there to have a talk, apologize if you upset her, and explain that your feelings were hurt too. It seems that 6 calls a day was too much for you and you snapped, but you don't like not getting any calls either.

It may be time to redefine your relationship. Get together a time or two a week, and you can each live your own lives otherwise. You can't make her be the mother you want her to be, you have to decide to accept it, or not, then act accordingly.

You are right, not about rolls, but her statement that I don't get to be upset. Even if I say it non-confrontational and try to explain. Yes the 6 calls a day does upset me, but no I did not tell her.

I also called her every other day. I felt that with being down the street that was reasonable. How do you have a conversation or a meeting with someone who will not speak with you?

I get I reacted without thinking, but heck I am human also. As much as I feel I am being attacked here (yes I know I am not but those darn "feelings" are getting in the way), I really am trying to get past it.

At this point, I guess the only option I have is sending her a letter in the mail, but I don't know if that would make things worse. Definitely don't need that.

I really would like to define the relationship. It would make things much easier. My problem (and not sure if this is also horrible) is that I am not ready to play only by HER rules.

Does this make any sense or am I really being that horrible?

 

[Mokat76]

I'm not sure you need to continue cutting her slack. Just because she's "elderly" doesn't give her carte blanche to manipulate and bully. You probably need to step back and reassess, but if she's avoiding you, it's on her. You've reached out; she rebuffs you. Leave her a message instructing her to leave your kids out of it and instruct your son to stop taking her calls if she's trying to poison the well within your immediate family. He doesn't need the drama. He's not mature enough to be put in the middle between the two of you. She needs to understand the consequences of trying to pit him against you. If being totally cut off from your family for a little while is the consequence, so be it.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I know this is much deeper than the rolls but maybe when you decided to give her your rolls instead of "letting" her go to the store to get her own, she took that as a jab.

Didn't think of this. We do offer each other stuff other than go to the store, but maybe she wanted to go out and took offense. I wish she would have just fed the birds and got her own instead of telling me what she did. I have not thought of this before. Thank you.

 

[luvmy3]

Didn't think of this. We do offer each other stuff other than go to the store, but maybe she wanted to go out and took offense. I wish she would have just fed the birds and got her own instead of telling me what she did. I have not thought of this before. Thank you.

I know independence is very important to my grandmother and she doesn't like to feel that we think she can't do something. She does get offended sometimes, but we just re-assure her that we are doing things because we care, not because we think she can't.

 

[Pakey]

OP, my mother is 80 and has COPD also. My mother, once a very carefree, active and easygoing woman, has become a very short tempered person who is mean spirited. It's very hard to reconcile the two people. The youngest of my brothers seems to be the only person she doesn't feel has failed her. I find it very difficult and I admit, I have days where I just can't face her.

I try to tell myself that it's age, illness, depression; she can't help herself anymore. Whatever "filters" she used to have aren't there anymore. It's like running into a wall but what else is there to do except back up, run into it again.

I try to remember that she will probably be gone soon and I will think about how I treated her more than I will remember how she treated me. It does not make it easy; it just makes it bearable.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I'm not sure you need to continue cutting her slack. Just because she's "elderly" doesn't give her carte blanche to manipulate and bully. You probably need to step back and reassess, but if she's avoiding you, it's on her. You've reached out; she rebuffs you. Leave her a message instructing her to leave your kids out of it and instruct your son to stop taking her calls if she's trying to poison the well within your immediate family. He doesn't need the drama. He's not mature enough to be put in the middle between the two of you. She needs to understand the consequences of trying to pit him against you. If being totally cut off from your family for a little while is the consequence, so be it.

I feel really bad for my son. He does care about everyone and has never taken sides. I am trying to keep it really simple for him. I just told him if she was bothering him that he did not have to continue to listen, be polite and get out of the conversation. He is still going and doing her yard work each week. This week he put his headphones on and just did the work and left. I feel horrible that he was sucked in. So not fair.

 

[Jennasis]

Well...IF (and I mean IF) YOU want a relationship with your mom, then you have to suck it up and do as Tigger&Belle suggested...

Call an dleave a message on her phone. "Hi Mom, I know you've been avoiding me/talking to me and I really would like to mend the fence/bury the hatchet. I'm sorry I've upset you and I'd like to move on. I love you very much...please call me yadda yadda yadda." Now the ball is in her court. Don't badger, don't continue calling. Don't send your son over (if he chooses to go for some reason, let him. but dont make him your emissary).

If you're waiting for HER to call and apologize, you'll be waiting a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time.

If you are "done" with her, then just move along.

Clearly this isn't about rolls. The rolls are the straw that broke both of your backs. However, I have purchase "fresh" rolls that were fine at noon and moldy by 5pm. HOnestly, both you and your mother sound a bit petulant. SOMEBODY has to be the adult here if there is any hope of having a relationship...otherwise cut each other out and be done with it. You don't need the stress.