Need opinions on birthday issue, sensitive subject matter...sort of...

[pat fan]

Okay, my birthday is coming up and my mom always has to make a big deal about it. I'm not 16 anymore, but fine, whatever. Only things have changed now.

One issue I now have is, my MIL died ON my birthday a few years ago, so that makes it kind of hard on me. My FIL & SIL pretty much ignore my b-day now, which I totally understand, and I don't expect my DH to be jumping for joy that day either, and frankly I feel a little bummed that day too.

I also have a friend whose b-day is exactly one week off of mine. We have been best buds since we were 9 (so a long time ). He is dieing from cancer. He will not make it to our next b-day and I am SO having a hard time with this. I just want to tell my family that I CAN NOT do my b-day this year. How can I celebrate it when he's not here this year? Maybe another year, but not this one for sure. Just don't mention it. Please... Is that awful? Can I do that and not be a total jerk to my mom? Any advice?

 

[mtemm]

I think what I would do in that case is tell mom that I would like a very quiet celebration this year. maybe cake at the house or something very very simple. that way she gets to celebrate the birth of her daughter, which, from what it sounds, is very important to her. At the same time, you don't have an over-the-top celebration that doesn't feel right given the circumstances.

am so sorry for your friend.

 

[DisneyBabies]

Tell her what you just told us. Surely she will understand. But if she doesn't, be strong for yourself and flat out tell her you will not celebrate this year. You feel there are other people and things that need to be focused on this year and since it is your birthday, what you think is what matters. I know this may seem harsh to some, but obviously it can be done in a firm but nice way.

And no, it isn't being a jerk to your mom that you don't want to have a birthday celebration. In all honesty, your feelings are all that matter when it comes to your birthday.

I say spend a quiet night at home with your DH or whatever you feel is appropriate.

And please accept my thoughts and prayers for your family and your friend.

 

[Wishing on a star]

In all honesty, your feelings are all that matter when it comes to your birthday.

This (above).....

Your problem only begins if your mother insists on being disrespectful and making demands and crossing boundaries.... In which case, the problem isn't your birthday, it's how to handle your relationship with your mother.

Remember, you hold the cards...
She can 'plan' whatever she wants...
But, unless she wants to come and get you and force you to 'celebrate' by gunpoint.....

Do only what you are comfortable with.

 

[luvmy3]

I would tell my mother that I do not want my birthday made into a big deal. Under the circumstances she should understand.

 

[monkeybug]

I think your family should respect your wishes, if you are having a tough time and don't feel like celebrating, let them know that. You are certainly justified in your feelings.
My dad had a hard time because his birthday is 9/11 and he felt guilty for the first few years after, celebrating on a day that was sad for so many. Then his brother died on his birthday, and my dad was convinced he just didn't need to celebrate again. We all talked to him though and let him know that we didn't think tragedy was a good reason to stop celebrating the triumphs and joys in our lives, if anything it was all the more reason to celebrate. We love my dad, we are happy he is here, he's happy to be here, and that's a good reason to celebrate despite the fact there are sad things happening at the same time.
Maybe you need to take a year off, or scale back for this year, but please don't feel guilty about celebrating another year of life!
As my Grandpa always said when someone complained about their birthday or getting older "Hey! It's a heck of a lot better than the alternative!"

 

[pat fan]

Thanks all.

I know my mom would completely respect my wishes, I just know she'd feel "bad" and you know how mom's can make you feel guilty without saying a word. I think I'll just be honest, and she knows how hard this current situation is on me, so she may not even be surprised when I say I can't do a b-day this year.

I still can't believe my friend will be gone at only 40. Way too young...31 years was not nearly enough time to share...Luckily for me I still have my parents and my siblings, so I have not had a "close" relative pass away. How do you deal with someone who has been in your life that long being gone? I just don't know how to function if he's not going to be on the same planet as me...

 

[Robinrs]

My darling wonderful Dad died on my birthday in 2003...

I never wanted to see that day come back again, ever.

It took me till this year to come to terms with it. The sad fact is I thought people just KNEW to leave me alone. They don't. You have to tell them your feelings and MOST people will understand.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, thanks for your new post!
Now I see!
(sorry, but I was just envisioning the overbearing controlling parent who insist on a huge deal)

While I know it must be tough for you.... Perhaps a small birthday acknowledgment, cake or whatever, might be in order.
It sounds like your mother simply would want to acknowledge you and show her love for you in the traditional ways that she knows how.

I can see that it must be tough...

Seeing how precious life is just gives us that much more reason to acknowledge the life and love that we do have.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

I would tell my mother that I do not want my birthday made into a big deal. Under the circumstances she should understand.

Agreed. My father died on my 18th birthday. It wasn't until my 21st that I was ready to have a true celebration again, and even that was relatively private. Everyone understood.

You have my sincere sympathy.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Have you thought about changing your birthday? This way, mom can do her thing to celebrate you (and your mom must love you to do this!), you know it isn't the real birthday, and you can have it at a time when it works for you.

 

[lovesmurfs]

Have you thought about changing your birthday? This way, mom can do her thing to celebrate you (and your mom must love you to do this!), you know it isn't the real birthday, and you can have it at a time when it works for you.

I was thinking that as well -- how about a 1/2 birthday? E.g. January 30 instead of July 30?

OP --

 

[pat fan]

Agreed. My father died on my 18th birthday.

My darling wonderful Dad died on my birthday in 2003

I don't know anyone in "real" life who has had my problem, so it's nice (I guess) to know I'm not the only one with sad events on their birthday. Sorry for all your losses as well.

Have you thought about changing your birthday?

It's a thought, I just don't know if I want to do any celebrating at all about the birthday thing. He and I have shared so many that I just don't think I can do mine by myself.

Thanks again all.

 

[Amelia Peabody]

I understand your need to not celebrate. Back in 2000, my friend was also dying. I got the call to say goodbye on Sunday morning. That afternoon was to be a joint b'day celebration for me and my DSis. I just couldn't go. They wanted me to come just so I wasn't alone, but I REALLY needed to be alone. My nephew stopped by with my present, bless him, and took my presents for my sister to the dinner. No fuss, just "I love you" and a hug.

My friend died two days later on my ACTUAL birthday. It sucked. I try to remember that she was finished with this body and was "promoted to glory" (just saw that at a funeral - I thought it was lovely). She was suffering so and was ready to let go.

So while this is difficult, enjoy each moment your friend has with you and miss him later. That sounds cold typed out, I don't mean it that way. Love him now, maybe celebrate a birthday with him now even. Just tell him you MOVED your birthdays and the two of you will have one more special celebration. Laugh, cry, hug, tell jokes, eat cake - if he can't eat it, THROW it! Have fun. No one will be able to take that joy from you later.

{{hugs}}

 

[MnMomtoboys]

Thanks all.

I know my mom would completely respect my wishes, I just know she'd feel "bad" and you know how mom's can make you feel guilty without saying a word. I think I'll just be honest, and she knows how hard this current situation is on me, so she may not even be surprised when I say I can't do a b-day this year.

I still can't believe my friend will be gone at only 40. Way too young...31 years was not nearly enough time to share...Luckily for me I still have my parents and my siblings, so I have not had a "close" relative pass away. How do you deal with someone who has been in your life that long being gone? I just don't know how to function if he's not going to be on the same planet as me...

I can't stress this enough you can not and I mean can not prepare yourself to lose someone you love. Its not possible so don't even bother trying. Just enjoy every moment you have. Cherish the memories. And don't feel bad when those memories make you laugh.

I know this is going to be tough, I've been through too many myself. But it will be ok. That doesn't mean you won't have your bad moments you will. You will get through them.

Talk to your Mom, tell her how you feel. She loves you, more than you could possibly know.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I don't know anyone in "real" life who has had my problem, so it's nice (I guess) to know I'm not the only one with sad events on their birthday. Sorry for all your losses as well.

My mom was born on her father's birthday. The year he died and for a few years afterwards, my mom was just so sad on her birthday. There are only 365 days to a year so it is bound to happen to some people, no matter how much we wish it not to be. We tried to help by showing her how HE must have felt the day she was born and wouldn't like that to cause her grief. They were very close, too, even though she has five brothers and sisters.

I'm so sorry for you, if that helps.

 

[Imzadi]

I am terribly sorry about your MIL & dear friend. But, I agree with Monkeybug as to this is probably the reason your mom wants to celebrate YOU. YOU are still here, and obviously a love & joy of her life. She wants to celebrate YOU being here, because as you say about your friend, 40 is too young to go.

And frankly, you don't even know if you will make it to your next birthday to celebrate that one. Or if your mom will be around. None of us know how long we will be here. Maybe quietly celebrate LIFE while you have it with your mom. If you found out next year that you lost your mom & had this chance to celebrate this one with her, would you go back in time & share it with her?

let him know that we didn't think tragedy was a good reason to stop celebrating the triumphs and joys in our lives, if anything it was all the more reason to celebrate. We love my dad, we are happy he is here, he's happy to be here, and that's a good reason to celebrate despite the fact there are sad things happening at the same time.

I still can't believe my friend will be gone at only 40.

 

[talulabelle]

Awww - you are really lucky that you have a mom that still wants to make a big deal out of your birthday. I was my mom's youngest child of 6 and by the time I hit about 12years old, she was pretty much like "do we really need to do anything more than a cake this year?"

I think you mom deserves to celebrate a little on the day she gave birth to her daughter. Obviously it is a joyous occasion for her and she must have so many memories of all your birthdays past. I would at least let her do something small and with just you and your DH. Make you a cake and dinner. You don't have to be in a partying mood to spend time with your mom marking the day she met you.

 

[pat fan]

I can't stress this enough you can not and I mean can not prepare yourself to lose someone you love. Its not possible so don't even bother trying. Just enjoy every moment you have. Cherish the memories. And don't feel bad when those memories make you laugh.

Thanks.

I try to remember that she was finished with this body and was "promoted to glory" (just saw that at a funeral - I thought it was lovely). She was suffering so and was ready to let go.

I know. He's ready to go, it's just time until the rest of the body fails. I know he'll be better in heaven, back to being healthy and strong and I do want that for him. What's that line in the song "I'm not cryin' for you, I'm cryin' for me"? That's how it is. I'm crying 'cause I'll miss him, but he'll be much better off.

 

[HeatherC]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Maybe as time goes on, however, you can celebrate "life" on your birthday. Your life, your mil's life, your friends life.

It is certainly normal to be heartbroken at times like this, But if you can reach a place over time that helps you find peace and are able to celebrate life, it may become easier.

Maybe have a cake for everyone that day. Or do something in honor of those people. For example, if you mil loved going to the beach...go to the beach that day and have a picnic. If your friend loves going to the movies, go see a movie that day. If they liked telling stupid jokes, tell stupid jokes that day. It doesn't matter what you do, just something to help you remember your loved ones in a happy positive way that will still allow you to celebrate your life while honoring theirs.

My FIL died about 8 years ago after a 15 year bout with cancer. He loved Hostess Cupcakes. So on the day he passed, we remember him and eat Hostess Cupcakes for breakfast! Silly? Maybe. But it helps us remember all the happy times we got to share with him.


Sending hugs and well wishes to you!