Need moral compass help - Destination Weddings

[castlegazer]

OK everyone - what are your thoughts?

One of my oldest and dearest friends, a guy, just announced a few months back that he was going to get married at a destination that is expensive to get to and involves a six hour flight and a passport.

Here are some relevant issues to help you help me. The guy's family is not wealthy at all - in fact he will have to pay for both Mom and for his brother to go to the wedding. They claim they are doing the destination thing to save money for them as it will not cost them very much to do this at an all-inclusive resort that provides free wedding ceremonies. The wedding is coming up quickly within the next six months.

I am having some issues with this whole thing and it is starting to affect our friendship - only because I am avoiding talking to him so I don't have to get into whether or not I am going to this wedding. First issue, it will involve using some of my very precious time off to go - I only get two weeks to begin with - and much of our vacations for the year have already been set leaving very little wiggle room. Second, it will cost between $1,500-$2,000 to go for just 4 days, two of which will be spent traveling, all for someone elses wedding. Lastly, I really don't feel I can afford to do this since we already have several large vacations planned this year, one of which is WDW in the next few weeks, but I set the two of them up and I really would hate to miss his wedding since he means so much to me.

I feel like this is a ridiculous concept to have destination wedding to save money, but then invite a ton of people and make them feel guilty if they can't come. Why don't people who want to do this elope and then have a reception afterwards? They are not planning on having anything once they return for people who can't come - they are just expecting everyone to come down.

What are your thoughts on destination weddings and the costs associated therewith? Do you think I should go into debt to go to this wedding or just skip it? How would you handle it with them?

Thanks for some psychological help today.

 

[Pam]

Do you think I should go into debt to go to this wedding or just skip it? How would you handle it with them?

No - I don't think you should have to go into debt or use a portion of your vacation time. I would very politely let the couple know that this is not within your budget - and that you can't wait to see the photos and video of the wedding when they return.

 

[tkd lisa]

I agree, you shouldn't go in this instance, nor should you feel guilty. Most destination weddings that I know of are primarily the close family and the wedding party. It's difficult because of your relationship to the couple, but I would just explain it exactly the way you did for us. It sounds like most of the strain is because you haven't told them you're not going and they don't understand why you aren't talking about it.

 

[TEENEE]

I have a cousin that did the same thing. Although he didn't do it to save money. He did it because his fiance got her panties in a wad over something petty and decided she try to get at our family by having the wedding in a place that she knew most of us would not be able to attend. That's another story. To answer your question, no I would not go in debt and would not feel bad about not going. I would just explain it to your friend just like you explained it to us. He'll understand.

 

[crazyme5kids]

Just be honest with your friend. I'm sure he is aware that very few friends will be able to attend. Suggest taking him and his fiance out for dinner before or after the wedding as a way to celebrate together.

 

[Rajah]

How about holding a party for him and his new wife when they get back, for some of the local friends who couldn't go?

 

[tmli]

We've gone through this exact same thing with my sister...she was mad at everyone who didn't want to spend all that money to go to her wedding. Eventually she started to see things from other perspectives, and changed the destination to Florida which can accomadate a number of budgets. Still only Family is attending as all of her friends declined....she says she's okay with that but not fully, I understand her side of this but she finally came to the understanding that she was asking too much of everyone.

I think destination weddings are a great idea if they are being done for the right reasons and with the knowledge that you will not have alot of guests...if you do that should be considered a bonus and not be expected!

 

[momof2inPA]

Your friend probably does not expect many of the invited people to attend but sent the invitations out to let people know they were welcome to attend-- and to get the presents. Why didn't they just get married in WDW?

 

[castlegazer]

I think I may need to be more honest with myself here to clarify this a little. My friend is in the service so he does not have a lot of close friends - he is counting on me being there and I would feel a huge hole in our relationship if I wasn't at his wedding because its such a big event in his life and I want to be there to celebrate with them. What is happening is that he is telling me all the time that they really want me to go with my family. There is a lot of guilt being applied. So now I am getting pretty resentful of the situation - which is ridiculous since its their wedding and they should do what they please - but I want to be there, they clearly want to have their friends there because each time I talk to my friend he has less and less of his close friends going due to deployment or just lack of funds to do it.

I am trying not to be resentful. I think that was the basis of my opening up and asking everyone's help here. I do not mind traveling to out of town weddings, but I am starting to mind being asked to spend so much on wedding that the couple is trying to save themselves money on.

Oh, and they live pretty far away from me - a plane ride so no chance in me having them over for dinner or seeing them very often after the wedding as there is a good chance he will be sent off somewhere also.

 

[crazyme5kids]

Where is the wedding taking place? If you feel strongly about being there, why not cancel some of your other vacation plans (if you can). Extend the time by a couple of days so you aren't there just for the wedding. This way you can attend the wedding and have vacation time with your family.
Either way it is a tough situation for you. I think you must be a special person that you feel so torn up about the situation. Your friend is very lucky.

 

[DMickey28]

Before I read your second thread I was going to ask if you where a friend of my fiance.

We are from MA and are getting married this October in St. Thomas. We are taking a cruise out of San Juan and St. Thomas is the first stop.

We have invited about 30 people. So far we haven't sent out invatiations but sent Save the Dates to the people that are important to us that they attend. However, my fiance has asked his two best friends to be his best men and they both agreed. Now one is backing out due to finances and we completely agree... there are no hard feelings. I don't know why your friend is making you feel that way. I don't think that you should feel bad about not being able to attend. Sadly maybe the friendship isn't as strong both ways as you thought, if he is making you feel bad about it.

The reason we are getting married this way is because we want to get married as soon as possible. We are both from MA and have been there for most of our lives. In order to have a wedding on the cape with the people that have been important through our lives we would be looking at 200 people. We would not be able to afford this until at least Fall 2005. But it's not about the money really. We want to start our life together properly. We live together now and realistically nothing will change but to us we will Know we are married and we want that. We also feel that having the 10 people that are booked for th cruise now and will be there with us. Of course there are people, his best man, that can't go and that makes us sad but it's our day. We would rather remeber our vows the way we dream of and have the most important people there rather than many people we don't really NEED there....

Plus 9 of the people going havent been on a cruise or vacation for a while and this is there vacation too. Monday is our day but the rest of the week is their vacation......

 

[GoofItUp]

castlegazer,

You just have to make the call....do you want to go to your friends wedding enough to spend the funds and take the time (possibly cancelling some other vacation) or do you really want to go on the vacations you've already planned and not over-extend yourself? Either way is OK. It doesn't mean you like your friend less if you choose to not attend the wedding. I would just be open and honest and tell him due to limited vacation time, funds availability, and prior commitments, you're not able to go. If he truly is a friend, he'll understand. To be honest, it doesn't really sound like you want to go at all, but would be doing it out of obligation.

 

[castlegazer]

Thank you for that DMickey98 - that really helped me understand the saving money aspect of it and why they seem to not care too much the agony they are placing on those who want to go. It is their day and they do want to do this as soon as possible so they can get on with their lives together.

They also have said the exact same things as you are saying, like this would be a great vacation destination for people. I actually had tried, moderately and not pushy like, to convince them of a cruise, but no luck. I would have loved that and we would have changed our current cruise plans to go with them. See that's the problem - we already have an elaborate cruise vacation planned for the winter for my DH and my anniversary, which is non-negotiable.

I have been not giving them a firm answer, though, in hopes that there may be a way for me to do this and not completely piss of my husband because of how much it would cost and the fact that he has not had the same moral quandry issues I am having - he says, bottom line: he's not going. I probably need to just own up to the fact that this is not going to happen and just talk to them about it though like everyone said.

 

[Keggy]

I got married with a destination wedding. We realized before deciding that that many of our friends and family would not be able to come. We still decided to do it anyway. We checked with out parents and my sister and then we decided to do it. We did not do it to make our friends and family that could not attend feel guilty that they could not afford to go. It did save us a lot of money. We were able to encorporate our honeymoon and wedding into one trip. Both my husband and myself were not interested in a traditional wedding ceremony.

I say be supportive of your friend. Let him know you will not be able to go. If he is any kind of a friend he will understand. I don't think he is doing anything wrong, but I guess I see his side.

Why don't you help throw them an engagement party or something?

Kelly

 

[castlegazer]

You are correct GoofitUp - I do not really want to go to where they are having it - I do want to go to his wedding. We have known each other and been friends for over 24 years - it feels like it would be a huge hole in my life to not be there, but I have be realistic and realize that I am not single and I have a family to think of and spending that type of money to do this is really not very sensical given that we need new windows in our house... and on and on - although, life is short......

Hey, wait a minute - how did you get out of your room??!! - I used the scotch tape and everything!

 

[TigerBear]

I don't believe that a true friend would get upset if you are not able to attend this wedding. If he expects you there, he should at least be offering to pay for your plane tickets or resort fees.

 

[ead79]

Judging by the tone of your posts, I think you might feel quite a bit guilty if you don't go. It is a shame that this couple is (whether intentionally or unintentionally) making you feel guilty. I had a WDW destination wedding (not to save money though--just ask my poor checkbook, LOL) and I knew that finances would be an issue for some of our guests. I think that the couple has to understand that not everyone will be able to spend the money and attend their wedding, and that fact doesn't mean that the people don't care as much. However, I will say that I would have gone into debt to attend the weddings of my closest friends. To be completely honest with you, it sounds like part of the reason you don't want to attend the wedding aside from the cost is that you don't want to go where the wedding is being held. If that is the case, I would strongly consider going. I think it's important for you to make a decision you can live with.

 

[preb]

Can you tell us something about the destination? Would it be possible for you to go without your family to cut the cost? If it is an all inclusive resort, could you stay someplace nearby to cut costs? Is there anyone else attending that you know well and could share a room with?

 

[Winka]

I feel bad for your friend, the groom. Seems like he may be stuck between pleasing a bride who may be the one who wants this destination wedding, and having what few close friends he has in attendance.

He may not be intentionally making you feel bad...he perhaps knows that you have all these vacations lined up and thinks that you can afford to go on one more?

At any rate, a really good and close friend should have no problem with an honest heart-to-heart regarding your financial and time constraints. It's not fair to lead him on any longer about attending...they may be having reservations about the destination wedding and if enough "declines" come up, they may want to change their plans.

Goood luck and please let us know.

 

[Kallison]

That is a lot of money to spend on attending a wedding. If he doesn't understand that concept then he isn't much of a friend to begin with. Do what you want to do, and don't overly apologize, just state the facts. It will cost xyz and we can't afford it, sorry, maybe we can go out to dinner to celebrate when you return.