Need MIL help!!

[Frantasmic]

Obviously, your MIL is not going to change. Your husband should be the one to talk to her, but it will probably not do any good. And you will be left to wage war on your MIL, which also doesn't do any good in the long run.

So, to retain the magic, INSIST that those characters are real. Do this your entire life, even when the kids know otherwise. It's a fun game to have and it keeps the magic. There's not a person inside a costume, but the REAL Ariel sitting in the grotto, etc.

My own DD, age 12, gets a kick out of these exchanges and we have been doing this since she was about 5 or 6.

 

[Alex2kMommy]

Is it possible she just doesn't realize how important this is to you and your DH? And there is a difference between not realizing, and not agreeing.

My DILs do not agree with a lot of things we feel are important for our kids. They're not terrible people, they just think they know best and we're being silly, so they disregarded what we asked and did what they wanted with out children. (We're talking small issues as well as major safety issues, such as trying to feed a breastfeeding infant solid foods, letting a 2yo play around a pool...YES, he was going to run, and YES, he fell in. What did you expect?!)

Anyway, I would try having DH explain how important this is to the two of you, and ask that she honor your wishes. She may still not, and that would be a blatant disregard for your feelings. But she may, and that would be a sign of how much she loves and cares about you.

And just in case you're wondering...No, we do not leave our kids with my DILs for any length of time. DS2 has yet to be in their company without us, and DS6 has been allowed to stay for daytime visits by himself.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I got that too when my youngest started 1st grade all day long. I told my mil I was going to go back to work when she paid for someone to clean my house, make my meals, do my laundry, help my kids with homework, and have sex at night with her son because working all day would be too tiring to have to deal with that at the end of the day. (I think she thought I was serious about the last one)

Shut her right up.

My youngest just went to 1st grade and I think I might have to use this... And yes, I will probably have the guts to say it.

 

[ead79]

I really feel for you in this situation. It sounds like the root of the problem is your MIL doesn’t respect your choices when they are different from hers. That is a problem that will likely only intensify with time, so I think I would have your DH speak with her about the fact that parenting choices are you and your DH’s choices, and that she needs to respect your rules/choices/parenting techniques. I have a MIL that I worry will run all over us when we have kids, so I sympathize.

 

[Wishing on a star]

You are so right.... Most anyone who has dealt with these MIL issues (including me) can tell you that when those grandbabies come along, that is when it all hits the fan!

 

[disneymom3]

Just to give you hope--DS6 hates Chuck E Cheese. And who can blame him? He looks like a big creepy rat! We have told him it is a worker in a costume that pretends to be the character. However, when we were at WDW in Feb, he was adament that we HAD to eat at Chef Mickey's because we always do and Mickey would be very sad if we didn't go eat dinner with him. He gave Mickey a big hug and asked him if he remembered him from the time he saw him on "your boat" Mickey of course played along and acted like he recognized him, nodded his head etc. DS firmly believes in Mickey and does NOT believe Chuck E is real.

As for the MIL issue, you have gotten excellent advice. I am currently working on DH to talk to mine about Christmas issues. MY sisters keep telling me it is his job to do it.

 

[diznygirl]

Of course the characters at WDW are real - everyone knows that! And characters in other places - like the mall and what-not - are just people dressed up. I think you should make sure your kids understand that MIL just doesn't know this.

My DS went through a time when he was afraid of the characters, so we just waved from afar or watched from a safe distance - there was no intelligent conversation about how they were people in suits - they were strangers plain and simple, no matter what they were wearing and DS wasn't going anywhere near them.

Tell MIL not to traumatize your children further by showing them a headless character. Or else.

Good luck to you.

 

[budbeerlady]

I am fighting my own mother-in-law issues at the moment! I know we are taking a vacation together in a couple of months (I blame Dh for that and whatever he may have slipped into a drink that made me think it might also be fun and a good idea!) I dont get why they cannot keep their mouths shut and leave our kids alone! I am on a mission to avoid her untill December!

Couldnt she do something normal with your kids, like the zoo and just be nice for a day! Or I would tell your kids that grandma must be really naughty and cannot see the real characters. Or that lady is crazy, those arent costumes! Good luck!

And even though I only have DD (issue of the day with M/L) I promise never to be a wacko mother in law!!!!!!

 

[lowie]

We STRONGLY believe in the Magic of Disney at our house (my kids are 3 & 4) - the characters are real to us and we have had many Magical things happen to us with characters - I often tell my DH that I am not sure if I will be more upset when DD realizes that Belle isn't real or that Santa isn't

my DD is afraid of villains and my DS is currently afraid of all characters - but he usually warms up during our trips. My MIL one day told my DD there was no reason to be afraid of Captain Hook b/c he was just a person in costume - I glossed over it and moved forward in the conversation


Please do not tell me that at your house that your kids know that characters and Santa aren't real - I respect that other people just tell their kids from the get go but our house we don't - we enjoy the magic and I would like to as long as we can I feel better now that I typed it out - maybe I am just in a no-win situation on this one

seems like YOU are into the magic, the kids seem perfectly normal and grandma is trying to teach them reality and to calm their fears. chill out, it could be way worse!

 

[hydster]

OUCH!

Her kids......her call. Doesn't matter what granny is trying to accomplish...they are still her kids...still her call. Grandma shouldn't be trying to circumvent the kids PARENTS!

Grandparents had THEIR chance to do what THEY wanted with THEIR own kids and now they are not giving the same opportunity to their kids and grandkids. I don't think OP needs to chill and for her it's a big deal. For others maybe not but for the OP it is and the Grandmother should respect that!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree,

I would definitely NOT be chillin' when somebody is vowing to mess with my children.

And, for a young child, that fear has NOTHING to do with whether the
'character' is real or not!!! Like, just because a two or three year old cries and is apprehensive about sitting on Santa's lap, we should pull off his hat and beard????

NOT the way to handle it.

The OP is right, if for no other reason than SHE is the parent. Granny needs to back off.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

seems like YOU are into the magic, the kids seem perfectly normal and grandma is trying to teach them reality and to calm their fears. chill out, it could be way worse!

If you really read my post and my subsequent ones

you would see that what really bothers me is that I think she undermines me as a parent - and particularly goes against my wishes -

I even said - it is not the end of the world if they find out characters aren't real - I just don't want her to do it

when I said WE enjoy the magic - I was including my kids in that!

 

[disneymom3]

And, for a young child, that fear has NOTHING to do with whether the
'character' is real or not!!! Like, just because a two or three year old cries and is apprehensive about sitting on Santa's lap, we should pull off his hat and beard???? .

This is a good point. Oftentimes a child's fears are not in the least rational so having a conversation about it is not going to help. And I forgot to say in my pp that seeing the character without their head would freak out my kids even more. total freak out!! That idea even creeps me out!

 

[I Love Pluto]

MIL needs to respect who YOU are and what YOU want for YOUR family. Shame on her! I, too, am a MIL. I don't agree with everything my kids and spouses do, but I respect who they are and what they are aiming to accomplish. You must tell her - in no uncertain terms - what you feel she has done to undermine your dreams for your family. Don't excuse her poor behaviors and attitudes. She will not stop if she is not told to do so.

 

[disneylizzy]

I agree with the previous poster who says that the MIL openly and blatantly going against the parents wishes, and even proclaiming such beforehand, is hostile, and toxic.

I would not allow this to happen.
If MIL crosses this line, she will happily cross ANY line.
I see major problems in the future!!!

You and your DH need to have some very deep conversations on this issue, and how you will be a united front. I also highly suggest that HE be the one to handle this with his parents.

She raised her family the way she wanted, and now you should be free to raise your children the way you see fit. Her 'opinion' is not what matters, and should never even be verbalized. Especially in front of the children.

Good luck!!!

 

[shortbun]

I think you need to have a heart to heart with your MIL. Your husband needs to be there. This time, she's trying to help you child with his fears. Her intentions are honorable even though she IS undermining your family intentions. Start out by saying you understand what she is trying to do. Every bit of training I have ever had in dealing with difficult situations or people tell you to get the other person agreeing with you or mirror their idea back to them before you begin to persuade them to think like you. Some children are afraid of characters for a very long time. My 13 yo nephew who likes KISS, Alice Cooper and AC/DC really still HATES characters as he always did as a child. His parents tried everything to MAKE him like Disney and the characters because we ARE a Disney family, after all but nothing worked. Your child is too little to get the reality of Chuckie Cheese being the same as Belle and Captain Hook anyway. If he's afraid of Chuckie Cheese, your MIL should not be taking him there in the first place. It will scare him, he's that young. Don't try to convince her on the big idea of the philosophy of characters being "real" or people inside costumes. Tell her he's too afraid and too young to GET the reality of people wearing costumes translating. Find something else fun for her to do with him today.
As far as her feelings on you staying home; she's entitled to her opinion but she should know that her statements are hurtful to you. Do you feel like you can tell her with a smile and a gracious heart? Have you? I would. Not today though. Today, you have another issue to smooth.

BTW, Fred WAS mean to Barney, really mean sometimes. Barney was so nice that he laughed it off. Sometimes it made Barney sad. Fred was a bully lots of times. I watched a lot of Flintstones, I can still bark like Dino and hum the whole theme song. If it comes up, tell your MIL that you prefer to use things like that as teaching tools for what is NOT acceptable when you play with your friends. That's only ONE of the beautiful things SAHMs can do, they can sit with their children once in a while and talk about TV shows that might have slightly questionable themes. I have outlawed Family Guy, sometimes Ed, Edd and Eddy and for a while, The Simpsons because of their themes. I also really think Barbie is a horrible roll model for little girls. Always high heels, no bottom and perky ...! Is there a SAHMBarbie? I think not.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

Last night I talked to DS on the phone -

I asked if he had fun and he said yes - then he said - something about the otter (they weren't at Chuck E. Cheese - it is a place called Otterville) anyway he said to me - she's not a real otter - its just a mommy dressed like an otter - since I was on morphine at the time - I thought it best not to discuss it with MIL - I will have to ask my DD what happened!

But - I did have a major mommy moment the other night - I was hugging on my DD before she went to bed - and I told her that I loved her, my DH and DS more than anything in the world - she looked at me and said "Mommy did you give up work for me?" and I said "Yes, I did." Her eyes grew wide and she got a huge grin on her face and then she said "Thank you Mommy" and gave me a huge hug!!!!!! And people wonder how I think being a SAHM is rewarding?!!?

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

But - I did have a major mommy moment the other night - I was hugging on my DD before she went to bed - and I told her that I loved her, my DH and DS more than anything in the world - she looked at me and said "Mommy did you give up work for me?" and I said "Yes, I did." Her eyes grew wide and she got a huge grin on her face and then she said "Thank you Mommy" and gave me a huge hug!!!!!! And people wonder how I think being a SAHM is rewarding?!!?

That's so heart warming. My kids say that they don't ever want me to go back to work. It is important to them.

Lori

 

[ElizK]

I am a SAHM and one day she said to me - "it would kill me if Julia decides to be a SAHM - what a waste that would be"

I was listening to a SAHM speaking on Focus on the Family. Her husband printed up business cards for her that showed her name, and the title of her job: Director of Social Development. I love it!

 

[eeyore45]

If you really read my post and my subsequent ones

you would see that what really bothers me is that I think she undermines me as a parent - and particularly goes against my wishes -

I even said - it is not the end of the world if they find out characters aren't real - I just don't want her to do it

when I said WE enjoy the magic - I was including my kids in that!

I have "Issues" with "MY" mother... go figure!! To me I put this in the category of "passive aggressive" she wants a firm hand, but does undermine you - and that is the hurt... maybe if your dh can address it in that manner - always praise, praise, criticize, praise... we love you, you are a great mom... you dont mean to , BUT some of your actions make US feel... we know you mean to respect us... but... etc etc..

a converstation should take place, but you know you cant "change" her heart, but your dh should try and speak from the heart, that its easy to have our hearts hurt - hers as well as yours - and you dont want to hurt her heart, you want to build a relationship - and to build, you have to communicate...

kjust think, you're not an episode of Dr Phil!! A couple of those mil issues are - - "EEK" worthy!!

Tough Love - respect, communicate

and as far as the characters go, my son now 21 still believes in Santa because his momma does!! and sometimes when Santa needs a helper - he's right there writing letters etc... but he believes!! He told me so!! So you do lead by example, whether you are a SAHM or work outside the home as well - you lead by example!! and you kids will respect that example!!