Need MIL help!!

[julia & nicks mom]

I am sorry this is so long -

My MIL is a wonderful person - she is kind, generous and a wonderful grandma - but she and I have some fundamental differences that I just don't know how to handle.

She and my FIL adopted my DH when he was 8 - so they never had young children - this is why I think we have such fundamentally different beliefs about raising kids

I am a SAHM and one day she said to me - "it would kill me if Julia decides to be a SAHM - what a waste that would be"

My DH was not allowed to watch The Flintstones when he was younger b/c Fred was mean to Barney, he was not allowed to have guns, she thinks Barbie is the root of all evil in our society - again all things that I do not agree with - but to me all of this falls into the category of - if she wants to enforce these at her house - I am fine with that and we will handle them how we wish at our house.

here comes the problem:

We STRONGLY believe in the Magic of Disney at our house (my kids are 3 & 4) - the characters are real to us and we have had many Magical things happen to us with characters - I often tell my DH that I am not sure if I will be more upset when DD realizes that Belle isn't real or that Santa isn't

my DD is afraid of villains and my DS is currently afraid of all characters - but he usually warms up during our trips. My MIL one day told my DD there was no reason to be afraid of Captain Hook b/c he was just a person in costume - I glossed over it and moved forward in the conversation

a few months later DD comes home from a trip with MIL and announces that Characters are just people and you can even see the zippers on their costumes. I come to find out they were at a local play area and a character was there and my DS flipped out and instead of taking him to another area - they went into an in depth discussion about how it is just people inside costumes - DS was too little to comprehend the discussion - he was 2.5 at the time and so all I was left with was a kid who is still afraid of the character and a 4.5 yo DD who had characters explained to her in depth.

I was relieved when she told me - "don't worry mommy - I know the real characters are inside and they have to wear the costumes so they are soft and cuddly!"

So tomorrow I am having knee surgery and my MIL is again taking my kids to the place with a character - and she tells me they are going to call ahead and see if they can make arrangements to go into the back with the character so my DS can see him with its head off!!!! I told her I would rather she doesn't do that and if the character is there to just walk DS to another part - it is a large enough place that avoiding the damn otter should not really be a problem. But I am not sure she will abide by my wishes.

I worry that if DS is afraid of Santa at Christmas she will just tell him and DD that Santa isn't real -

DH has said he will talk to her if I want - but what do I have him say - she will be offended by the conversation no matter how diplomatically it is worded. I just don't understand why when she knows how we feel about it that she would do something so obviously against DH and mine wishes

Please do not tell me that at your house that your kids know that characters and Santa aren't real - I respect that other people just tell their kids from the get go but our house we don't - we enjoy the magic and I would like to as long as we can

I feel better now that I typed it out - maybe I am just in a no-win situation on this one

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Have your husband to tell his mother to please respect your wishes and to help keep the magic alive for as long as possible. Tell her that you know that she'd do it differently and that there's nothing wrong with that, but this is how you've chosen to do it, and there's nothing wrong with your choice. There's more than one right way, after all. Good luck!

 

[Uncle Remus]

What a dang shame

 

[Mimi Q]

No real advice, just a .

 

[bananiem]

Have your husband to tell his mother to please respect your wishes and to help keep the magic alive for as long as possible. Tell her that you know that she'd do it differently and that there's nothing wrong with that, but this is how you've chosen to do it, and there's nothing wrong with your choice. There's more than one right way, after all. Good luck!

I agree with T&B. It's his mother so he should handle it.

 

[mickeyboat]

I don't have any real advice other than to do what you feel is best for your kids, and insist that your in-laws follow your wishes.

Just a note relative to my own family. When we went on our DCL cruise a a couple years ago, my kids were deathly afraid of the characters, except the face characters like the princesses. I ended up telling them the same thing your in-laws did - that there was no need to be afraid because it was only people dressed in suits. But, I don't think telling them that (they were 3 and 4 at the time) really affected the magic they felt when they saw a character. They still got excited whenever they saw one, still hugged them, still wanted their picture taken. They never asked the character if he was a person. It is almost like my reassurance and explanation was enough to quell their fears, but not enough to kill the magic.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[barkley]

it's one thing to have a situation come up that causes a conversation to occur with someone elses's kids-but it almost sounds like your mil sets up situations to facilitate making her point known and proving your position wrong.

seems to me if she can't respect your/dh's position on this she should find alternate entertainment venues to take the kids to that don't have characters so the issue won't even come up. me thinks if mil is so consumed with this issue the kids should'nt be going with her to place that have costumed characters-the dh can tell his mom that she can take the kiddies to x, y, z place but the costume character places are off limits (and honestly at 3 and 4 my kids enjoyed playing on the 'character free' play equipment at mickey d's every bit as much as the same stuff at 'character laden' chuckey cheese).

 

[The Mystery Machine]

This is the definition of HOSTILE BEHAVIOR toward your family and it is wrong.

This little seed starts the wedge between you and your husband. It is up to you and your DH to put a stop to it.

I would not have her be with the kids unsupervised until they are older.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

Thank you

you all have had some great advice!

I know it isn't the end of the world if my kids know the characters are people but it is nice that you all get why this bothers me!!

 

[disneymama73]

I am a SAHM and one day she said to me - "it would kill me if Julia decides to be a SAHM - what a waste that would be"

My MIL has a real problem with me staying home with the kids, too. You can tell she feels I should be out working and helping contribute financially.

I'm so sorry she told the kids about the characters. No advice, but big

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with the previous poster who says that the MIL openly and blatantly going against the parents wishes, and even proclaiming such beforehand, is hostile, and toxic.

I would not allow this to happen.
If MIL crosses this line, she will happily cross ANY line.
I see major problems in the future!!!

You and your DH need to have some very deep conversations on this issue, and how you will be a united front. I also highly suggest that HE be the one to handle this with his parents.

She raised her family the way she wanted, and now you should be free to raise your children the way you see fit. Her 'opinion' is not what matters, and should never even be verbalized. Especially in front of the children.

Good luck!!!

 

[hydster]

I got the "oh...you're JUST going to be a SAHM?" too and I looked at my mil thinking did you just say what I thought you said. My sil is a nurse. Was going to school when they were dating and engaged. It's ALWAYS a put down at family gatherings with them. I've learned to just ignore it but it's hard.

As for the character thing....your dh needs to handle the situation. His mom his prob. My mil loves to push my boundries with my kids too. Finally dh has had enough and now takes care of most of it with her when I can't deal.

I wish you luck coping with a "non-listening" mil.

 

[disneymama73]

I got the "oh...you're JUST going to be a SAHM?" too and I looked at my mil thinking did you just say what I thought you said. My sil is a nurse. Was going to school when they were dating and engaged. It's ALWAYS a put down at family gatherings with them. I've learned to just ignore it but it's hard.

Ahh, yes. The family gatherings. "Since Michele quit working...." Yeah, since Michele quit working, Michele had 3 kids. I ignore it, too, but I agree it is very hard.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

Ahh, yes. The family gatherings. "Since Michele quit working...." Yeah, since Michele quit working, Michele had 3 kids. I ignore it, too, but I agree it is very hard.

now that DS is starting preschool -the questions have already started - when are you going back to work

um - since both kids are only in school 2.5 hours a day - 4 days a week - I don't think there is a job that I could find with those hours!!

 

[hydster]

I got that too when my youngest started 1st grade all day long. I told my mil I was going to go back to work when she paid for someone to clean my house, make my meals, do my laundry, help my kids with homework, and have sex at night with her son because working all day would be too tiring to have to deal with that at the end of the day. (I think she thought I was serious about the last one)

Shut her right up.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I told my mil I was going to go back to work when she paid for someone to clean my house, make my meals, do my laundry, help my kids with homework, and have sex at night with her son because working all day would be too tiring to have to deal with that at the end of the day. (I think she thought I was serious about the last one)

Shut her right up.

 

[disneymama73]

I got that too when my youngest started 1st grade all day long. I told my mil I was going to go back to work when she paid for someone to clean my house, make my meals, do my laundry, help my kids with homework, and have sex at night with her son because working all day would be too tiring to have to deal with that at the end of the day. (I think she thought I was serious about the last one)

Shut her right up.

Oohh, I'm SO using that!!!

 

[hydster]

 

[OceanAnnie]

I am sorry this is so long -

My MIL is a wonderful person - she is kind, generous and a wonderful grandma - but she and I have some fundamental differences that I just don't know how to handle. ---


I am a SAHM and one day she said to me - "it would kill me if Julia decides to be a SAHM - what a waste that would be"

That just doesn't sound like a kind or wonderful thing to say to YOU! Daggone! That is about the rudest thing to say! That would bother me as much as anything else she's done.

It sounds like she has some "issues" with your family and how you do things and is being passive/aggressive in getting her say. Good luck!

 

[mickeysgal]

I got that too when my youngest started 1st grade all day long. I told my mil I was going to go back to work when she paid for someone to clean my house, make my meals, do my laundry, help my kids with homework, and have sex at night with her son because working all day would be too tiring to have to deal with that at the end of the day. (I think she thought I was serious about the last one)

Shut her right up.

I don't think I would have ever had the guts to say that to my MIL, but let me say how much I admire you for it. ! Perfect!