Need MIL advice

[kilee]

Okay, I've posted before that my MIL and I don't exactly have a really good relationship. We aren't close and have no one single interest in common. While we don't fight, we really just don't talk or have anything to do w/ one another.

Now, dh and her relationship has detoriated over the last 7-8 yrs. Pretty much since she got the boyfriend she has. She changed a lot and it wasn't for the good and my dh lost a lot of respect for her.

Lately dh has been depressed and it's gone in waves from severe to mild to he seems fine. He's been seeking therapy and help for it, and he's getting better overall. He made a comment to his mom a few weeks ago about it, and she didn't seem interested so he let it go. He really wanted to talk to her about it, he has lots he wants to say to her, (I should interject he's not blaming her for his unhappiness either), but he can't find a connection w/ her.

Fast forward to this weekend, him and her were on the phone. He gets in a mood everytime they interact lately. I guess he was short w/ her and he in the end hung up on her. I didn't know this until today. MIL called the house knowing he's out of town for work. She wanted to ask me what his problem is. Now, I don't want to be in the middle of this at all. I don't have a relationship w/ her. I know her and dh barely have a relationship. I also know dh is going through a tough time, and she's a very hard women to get along with. I don't honestly know how much he has or hasn't told her. I stay out of their business. In the last almost 10 yrs I've learned it's just what is best for my and dh's relationship. Anyhow, I just skirted the issue some. What I really wanted to tell her was to stop guilt tripping dh over things I know she's been doing, and stop ragging on him over his lack of confidence. However, I didn't because I know she'd twist everything I said. So, I faked the dog getting loose, and told her I had to go. Well, she called again and left a message asking why I haven't gotten back to her yet.
Ugh-- how do I handle this? I don't want to tell dh- he doesn't need this right now.

 

[Chicago526]

Wow! Tough call! I'd say your best bet is to stay out of it. Just call back MIL and tell her the truth. You don't feel comfortable getting in the middle and if MIL has a concern about your DH she should talk to him about it when he gets back from his trip.

 

[Disney4Drew]

I would just tell her that she needs to talk to your DH about it. Tell her you don't feel comfortable discussing him without his knowledge, and you'll give him the message to call when he gets home.

 

[kdudley3]

Wow! Tough call! I'd say your best bet is to stay out of it. Just call back MIL and tell her the truth. You don't feel comfortable getting in the middle and if MIL has a concern about your DH she should talk to him about it when he gets back from his trip.

I totally agree. If you don't have much of a relationship with her, then you shouldn't worry about how she'll take it.

Take a stand and tell her and don't let her get control of the conversation. Keep it brief and anytime she starts to ask questions or redirect the conversation, keep repeating "I've explained that I don't want to get in the middle, so you'll have to speak with DH". If you keep repeating the same phrase, she'll get frustrated and see that your serious and that she's not getting anywhere and she'll quit.

When DH gets home just repeat the facts quickly to him and act like it didn't bother you (so it won't bother him) and start doing what you normally do around the house (like dishes, folding laundry etc.) if he wants to discuss it, then stop what your doing and talk.

I've had to do this with my DH...state the facts with no emotion and get back to your life ( I believe it makes it easier for them to do the same.

Did that all make sense? (It sounded better in my head)

Good Luck

 

[Disney Doll]

Wow! Tough call! I'd say your best bet is to stay out of it. Just call back MIL and tell her the truth. You don't feel comfortable getting in the middle and if MIL has a concern about your DH she should talk to him about it when he gets back from his trip.

This is very good advice. When my late DMIL & my DH got into it and she would try and put me in the middle, I would say "Your problem is with your son, not me, so talk to him".

 

[DisneyBlonde]

I'd say stay out of the mending of their relationship, let them work that out on their own. But maybe you can facilitate things by suggesting a few (short!) get togethers...maybe bowl a few games together or go to dinner somewhere fun. It sounds like she's not a party to be around, but since DH may be suffering at least in part from this estrangement, it might be worth trying to spend some time with them. Good luck whatever you do.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I'm speaking as a MIL...Encourage your MIL and DH to have mother/son time together. I know my oldest son is married and has his own family now but it is good when he takes the time to have some one-on-one with me and his younger brother. The more you can encourage a happy/healthy relationship with his DM, it will be bound to carry over in other aspects of his life.

TC

 

[aunt kelly]

I agree w/ the previous posters. If you get in the middle of their problems, they will both end up getting mad at you. I would try and maintain a pleasant relationswhip w/ her. I would do things w/ your husband and MIL, and I would also encourage them to spend time alone together.

 

[kilee]

It's not dh that won't spend time w/ his mom. It's the other way around. She won't spend time w/ him. She goes nowhere w/o the boyfriend. The bf doesn't "want" to do things w/ my husband. So, that is why they don't spend time together.
I didn't take her call last night-- I guess you'd have to know her. She won't take "no" or anything of the sort for an answer. She is too aggressive, and doesn't care who's toes or feelings she steps on to get what she wants. Anyhow, she called this morning at 6:30 am- to be sure to get me. I still didn't take the call. I didn't want to bother dh w/ it, but I did tell him he needs to call her TODAY. I'm not going to have her waking ds and I up everyday.