need help with 11yr dd

[mommytoe]

I am having a lot of problems with my dd. She keeps loosing things, because she won't put anything away. If I tell her to clean she responds by letting me know she doesn't feel like it.

I mean this girl will just toss her mp3 player on the table, car seat, coach, etc. Then she won't be able to find it later. I refuse to look for her things and I refuse to let her use my stuff. Her brother won't let her touch his stuff anymore for the same reason.

She picks on her sister and bothers her brother all the time. She is always making her sister cry and/or her brother get angry.

She won't listen to me or dh. In fact I was told she is giving trouble for the youth leaders at church.

 

[java]

So why does she have the things to lose? That would be the first thing to be taken away. MP3 player.
I have an 11 year old daughter and thankfully she doesn't have "attitude". But if she did I would put an end to it immediately.

What are the punishments for when she misbehaves? what is important to her?

 

[2Kds2K9]

Yep! Take it away. If she can't be responsible enough to care for it, she doesn't need to have it. Also, if there are other behavior problems, grounding seems to work here.

DD12 hit the "trifecta" in November. She took the cell phone and her ipod and put them in her Vera Bradley lunch bag. It was left on the bus to never be seen again. She really thought that all would be replaced at Christmas. Nope! If she wants replacements, she can use her own money to do so.

Just this last weekend, I asked her to vaccum the family room since she was inviting friends over. She just looked at me and shook her head no. I then proceeded to get the vacuum out and vacuum. (This was as she was sitting on the couch watching TV) I then told her that since she was just as happy to sit on the couch and watch TV that she didn't need to have her friends over and told her to cancel. (She then begged to vacuum the entire house. Nope, too late.) She did go and fold the rest of the laundry and was able to invite the friends over the next day.

I proudly hold the title of "Meanest Mom Ever", but I also have two kids that listen and respect me more times than not.

Good luck.

 

[KAMLEM]

Just this last weekend, I asked her to vaccum the family room since she was inviting friends over. She just looked at me and shook her head no. I then proceeded to get the vacuum out and vacuum. (This was as she was sitting on the couch watching TV) I then told her that since she was just as happy to sit on the couch and watch TV that she didn't need to have her friends over and told her to cancel. (She then begged to vacuum the entire house. Nope, too late.) She did go and fold the rest of the laundry and was able to invite the friends over the next day.

I proudly hold the title of "Meanest Mom Ever", but I also have two kids that listen and respect me more times than not.

You can't be the "Meanest Mom Ever", I hold that position proudly. It's not easy to do something like you did, but it's necessary with some kids. I have one that doesn't respond to anything else. Sometimes I feel like I'm punishing myself because when she's grounded I need to deal with her hanging around the house in a miserable mood.

 

[okeydokey]

Ask her to put everything away every day before bed (or after school or whatever time makes sense for you). Whatever is not put away by a certain stated time gets collected and put in a box for one week. If the same thing makes it into the box three times, it is gone permanently. And then stick to it.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I say with the nicest intentions because I know from experience.....you need to get a handle on this attitude NOW or it will only gets worse as she gets older.

 

[mommytoe]

So why does she have the things to lose? That would be the first thing to be taken away. MP3 player.
I have an 11 year old daughter and thankfully she doesn't have "attitude". But if she did I would put an end to it immediately.

What are the punishments for when she misbehaves? what is important to her?

The punishments depend on the crime. We have tried grounding her, making her stay in her room, scrubbing the bathroom, no friends over, no allowance, and I hate to say it but dh spanked her when she got real out of control.

In fact she is going to miss a concert at the end of the month. Her friends can tell her about it in Sunday School the next day, but she won't be going.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Could be an overabundance of tween 'attitude'...

Could be a shortage of discipline...

It could be that she is going thru something right now that is really driving all of this...

Or, it could be more serious issues (neurological) that affect behavior, organizational skills, etc...

Especially at her age, I don't think we have enough info to know.

I can say one thing, however....
If my child could not even begin to manage keeping up with something like and Ipod or Cellphone (for whatever the reason) then they simply wouldn't have it...
Next time I found it laying around, down in the couch cushions, etc... the child would not be getting it back. priviledges and respect must be earned.... they are not a 'given'.

PS: My son is only 10, he does have gameboy, a little portable DVD player, etc... (NO cellphone or ipod) He has never left or misplaced these things... and he does not have the best organizational skills... He simply learned from day one that if he values these things, he will treat them as valuable.

 

[pfishgirl]

Have you tried talking to her? There seems to be more to the situation. If she is mean to her Siblings and makes them cry maybe something is really bothering her. The misplaced tossed aside things may only be a cry out for help or attention

 

[Wishing on a star]

The punishments depend on the crime. We have tried grounding her, making her stay in her room, scrubbing the bathroom, no friends over, no allowance, and I hate to say it but dh spanked her when she got real out of control.

In fact she is going to miss a concert at the end of the month. Her friends can tell her about it in Sunday School the next day, but she won't be going.

Okay, now I see this post coming thru....
A little more info....

It sounds like there are some real underlying issues here...
It sounds like there are some bigger things going on.

I see the physical punishment...
I see engagement in a raging and emotional 'control battle'...
etc....

I see that you have come to the DIS for input!
But, we are not the experts...
Have you considered any objective professional guidance?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My dd is 12 and at "a stage" so I feel your pain....

What works best for us is to be proactive instead of reactive. Waiting for the kid to mess up gets old and ineffective.

 

[bigbabyblues]

If my boys don't pick their stuff up when they're reminded, DH or I will pick it up and take it. They have to earn it back.

 

[Vijoge]

We've had a few issues with DGD11, also.

She recently decided to sneak on myspace when my back was turned and lost computer privileges for two weeks (one week for going to a banned website and one week for lying to me about it). She's not particularly internet savvy and didn't realize I can check and see where she's been. She won't try that for a while. . .

I had some extra chores I needed done, for which I was willing to pay cold, hard, cash. I asked her if she wanted to do them for the extra $$ and she said "no, not interested". So I asked her sister (DGD9), who loves to have money in her pocket and was more than willing to help me out. Should have seen DGD11's face when she found out she missed the boat on that one. Begged me to find her something to do then. Nope-that ship has sailed!

It's all in a days work, I guess.

 

[m&m's mom]

I am usually in the "Mean Mom" camp but... we had our DD tested and sure enough, she was diagnosed as having poor "working memory". Basically she does not have the ability to keep up with her stuff. We know now that we have to be more vigilant on her behalf and more patient. Being a "mean Mom" actually makes it worse as she cannot think straight when she is upset.
Patience is very hard but we get better results.