Need help to organize daughter...she is 10 and I need help!

[FayeW]

I have a 10 yr old son. He has organizational issues. I have had to go back to the school on many, many occasions. I finally stopped doing that, and now I let him take his punishment. It is the only way he learns. I have written notes to his teacher saying things like " He chose to not use his time wisely, and as a result, didn't finish his homework. Keep him in at recess or send him to the office at lunch to complete it, as you see fit". I was letting her know that I knew he did the wrong thing, and however she wanted to deal with it was fine with me.

This is a kid who can tell you the statistics of almost every hockey team and player, yet when he forgets to bring home his homework he says "You know I have a bad memory!" I remind him that his memory is selective, and let him deal with the consequences. He has lost a few things that were really important to him because he was careless and forgetful, but he has been much better now that he knows I won't run out and replace them.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

Does his "real" mom and dad know what you did to their child? Still think it was cruel and not a good parenting on your part. JMHO

WOW o Wow what an incredibly low remark! You should be ashamed of yourself for that comment. BTW, a "REAL" parent is one that is concerned about the child's safety, well being, manners, and in general oversees life-- good and bad!

This is a twist on an old saying, but anyone can give birth to a child, but it takes someone special to parent one!

I think she did a great job handling the situation in this manner. I have the misfortune of having to handle two of my children this way. Cuts out all of that he said/she said crap. When would have been the best time for the situation to be handled -- after the child failed the school year?

 

[ckay87]

Oh don't even get me started Ms-I-Wont-Humiliate-My-Child. You know what's embarassing - SUMMERSCHOOL. Or how about failing a grade?

If my DS accused me of embarassing him by walking him into the school to get the work he should have gotten himself, I'd promptly respond with "you SHOULD be embarassed mister. And if you think this is embarassing, wait til your classmates go to 9th grade without you." In fact, I have said that!

That's life man. If/when he gets a job and gets fired for not doing his work...dangit, that's embarassing.

 

[Cool-Beans]

Does his "real" mom and dad know what you did to their child? Still think it was cruel and not a good parenting on your part. JMHO

Are you the college student who is majoring in psychology and has no children, but is an expert because of the psych classes?

This post reminds me very much of that poster.

 

[Beth E. (NJ)]

Please folks -- don't get involved in fighting with posters who are looking to stir up trouble. We can all see the low blow for what it is. I would hate to give infractions to someone who mistakenly stepped into the fray.

 

[pbharris4]

My DD 11 has been having the organizational issues for the past 2 years. Last year, her teacher told us..Oh..it's Ok I give them time in the a.m. We told him that we don't want her to use that as an excuse, which she did. She was doing fine until last year..so now this year has been a struggle.

 

[mercydisney]

I thought I was the only one w/a DD11 who is unorganized. Her bookback looks like a bomb went off and scattered all her work. She insists she needs everything and knows where all her stuff is. OK

Yesterday, she called me from school because she forgot her project that was 50% of her grade. How can you forget if it's 50% of yr grade. I was tempted not to drop it off. I know I shouldn't have but she was crying on the other end of the line.

I let her get away w/it because overall she's a good kid. Mostly because I was the sameway as a teenager. I grew out of it (I think confused: ).
Hopefully she will too.

 

[CampbellScot]

In no way would I do it to just embarass my child that is just cruel. My intention are to help my child anyway I can. As a parent that is my job. I want them to succedd in life not live in fear of what I am going to do to them.

It's not cruel to teach your children that being careless and disorganized might have unpleasant consequences. It's not cruel to go back into the school WITH your child to make sure that he has everything...if that embarrasses him TOO BAD. He obviously wasn't doing what he needed to do to avoid an unpleasant consequence. We need to expect more out of our children and quit trying to be these saintly "I would NEVER do that to my child..." parents. It's not all about coddling and coaxing our kids through life...b/c that is NOT what real life is...there is an age where kids need to step up and start taking care of their responsibilities.

It's not cruel. It's good parenting.

 

[alicenwonder99]

Are you aware of the term "executive dysfunction"? I ran across it when I was doing research about autism (my younger daughter is autistic). It is a term used to describe kids inabilities to organize themselves and while it isn't exclusively associated with autism or add or adhd, many kids with those conditions also have organizational problems. Here is a link to one of many, many articles about executive dysfunction. On the fourth page I think that there are some helpful suggestions for helping kids learn to recognize their organizational problems and begin to solve them.

http://www.schoolbehavior.com/conditions_edfoverview.htm

ETA Yeah, the article is a little dull but if you wade through it there are parts that are helpful.

Wow...that's pretty interesting.

My dd19 has been extremely unorganized her whole life. Typically, it was forgetting homework, losing her things, not organizing her time, etc. But it is very extreme. She was the kind of student who had her desk/locker totally destroyed by the 3rd day of school. She has lost probably 6 cell phones in her life. She has lost sports uniforms. She's very smart (very high scores on AP and college placement tests), but you'd think she was a knucklehead by her behavior.

For the parents who have young children with this problem, I don't know what to tell you. My dd got pg at 17 (the dr gave her bc pills, but she lost them), she's behind on her cc payments because she forgets to pay her bills. She's missing another semester starting college because she forgets to actually get her paperwork filled out (I can go on and on). So, little things like forgetting homework and having a messy backpack turn into major things when they get older.

I've been asking the teachers since my dd was in First Grade if she has ADD, they all say no. But I still think she has it. Or, maybe it's just bad parenting (lol). We've done the "let her suffer the consequences" and that doesn't work either. I always wondered if I should have helped her more, like always checking her backpack for work left at school, or helping her clean her room instead of making her live in her filthy room.

Good luck.

 

[freckles and boo]

Wow...that's pretty interesting.

My dd19 has been extremely unorganized her whole life. Typically, it was forgetting homework, losing her things, not organizing her time, etc. But it is very extreme. She was the kind of student who had her desk/locker totally destroyed by the 3rd day of school. She has lost probably 6 cell phones in her life. She has lost sports uniforms. She's very smart (very high scores on AP and college placement tests), but you'd think she was a knucklehead by her behavior.

For the parents who have young children with this problem, I don't know what to tell you. My dd got pg at 17 (the dr gave her bc pills, but she lost them), she's behind on her cc payments because she forgets to pay her bills. She's missing another semester starting college because she forgets to actually get her paperwork filled out (I can go on and on). So, little things like forgetting homework and having a messy backpack turn into major things when they get older.

I've been asking the teachers since my dd was in First Grade if she has ADD, they all say no. But I still think she has it. Or, maybe it's just bad parenting (lol). We've done the "let her suffer the consequences" and that doesn't work either. I always wondered if I should have helped her more, like always checking her backpack for work left at school, or helping her clean her room instead of making her live in her filthy room.

Good luck.

I was certain my post had been buried under all the good parent/bad parent arguments. Most kids start out disorganized but can learn to get it together. However, I really believe that for some children it isn't a matter of "getting with the program". They simply can't do it without help. No amount of embarrassment, yelling, humiliation, suffering the consequences, etc. is going to change the fact that there are kids (like kids with add and autism) whose brains don't "get it". This is an interesting area of research and I am sure we are going to hear more about it.