Need help to organize daughter...she is 10 and I need help!

[Lizzy2]

In no way would I do it to just embarass my child that is just cruel. My intention are to help my child anyway I can. As a parent that is my job. I want them to succedd in life not live in fear of what I am going to do to them.[/QU

Obviously you have never been faced with a child this hard-headed. Yippee for you!!!! When the OP described her son it sounded exactly like my younger brother. He would lie to get out of doing anything he didn't want to do. My parents did everything they could think of short of physical abuse to teach him the consequences of this kind of behavior. Until you have a child like this, you should just remember the old adage of "You never know what someone else's life is like until you have walked a mile in their shoes."

 

[kellyg403]

It is hard not to embarass a preteen/teen anyway. Just my mere existance most days is enough. Threatening to embarass them only goes so far. My oldest ds was horrible about not telling the truth about things, not turning in his homework and just about lazy. One day he got in trouble at school. I went to the school and told them he needs a learning lesson. My son helped the janitor for one whole week after school. First couple days I am sure he was embarassed, by the 3rd day he was fine. Kids are more resiliant than we give them credit for. Amazingly enough until high school I never had to do much more threaten. I won't even tell what I did to him in 9th grade. He is 23, well adjusted and a father with a good job and family today. A little bit of embarassment may have hurt his feelings at the time but proved to be very valuable lesson. Heck, as an adult I sometimes STILL learn embarassing valuable lessons. And I never repeat them if I can.

Kelly

 

[ilovejack02]

It is hard not to embarass a preteen/teen anyway. Just my mere existance most days is enough. Threatening to embarass them only goes so far. My oldest ds was horrible about not telling the truth about things, not turning in his homework and just about lazy. One day he got in trouble at school. I went to the school and told them he needs a learning lesson. My son helped the janitor for one whole week after school. First couple days I am sure he was embarassed, by the 3rd day he was fine. Kids are more resiliant than we give them credit for. Amazingly enough until high school I never had to do much more threaten. I won't even tell what I did to him in 9th grade. He is 23, well adjusted and a father with a good job and family today. A little bit of embarassment may have hurt his feelings at the time but proved to be very valuable lesson. Heck, as an adult I sometimes STILL learn embarassing valuable lessons. And I never repeat them if I can.

Kelly

Kelly, this is very true. I have def. embarrassed myself as an adult and it is always a learning experience.

 

[Cool-Beans]

In no way would I do it to just embarass my child that is just cruel. My intention are to help my child anyway I can. As a parent that is my job. I want them to succedd in life not live in fear of what I am going to do to them.

Different people have different ideas of how to help their children succeed. Some like to teach their kid a lesson. Others do things a different way. We all do our best.

I'd haul the kid back in, too. But then I like the kids living of fear of what I'm going to do to them. I only wish they were more afraid sometimes!!

 

[va32h]

Does his "real" mom and dad know what you did to their child? Still think it was cruel and not a good parenting on your part. JMHO

Um no.

"Cruel" parents beat their children, starve them, ignore them, berate them, torture them.

Slapping the "cruel" label on anything and everything that makes little Johnny feel bad is belittling to children who have sadly experienced real cruelty at the hands of their parents.

 

[leighe]

Um no.

"Cruel" parents beat their children, starve them, ignore them, berate them, torture them.

Slapping the "cruel" label on anything and everything that makes little Johnny feel bad is belittling to children who have sadly experienced real cruelty at the hands of their parents.

Exactly!

Also, IMHO a little embarassment - or maybe shame even - never hurt a kid. My best friend and I cheated on a math test in 3rd grade and we got caught. My mom made me stand up the next day in class and apologize (sp? that doesn't look right) to my teacher and my class for cheating and not playing by the rules. It was totally embarassing and I've never forgotten it - especially when I've thought about doing something I wouldn't necessarily be willing to stand up and admit to a room full of people. It didn't scar me in any way but it sure did make me think before I acted in the future - so it may have been one of the most effective punishments of my entire life!

 

[mookie]

Actually we all three came up with it and his teachers were on board with it. Somedays his dad picked him up and some days I did. . What is wrong with checking a child's booksack before leaving school and if his items for homework arent in it going back in school with him to get it? Im confused its the almost the exact thing you did with your DD.Maybe you just let your dd go back in by herself, but you couldnt with my DS, he would just lie and say he couldnt back in the classrooms Nothing you have ever done has embarrassed your child, or if something you did embarrassed her, you immediately stopped? Whatever works for you, but how about not telling me or anyone else they made a bad parenting decision just because you dont agree.
ALSO Lets not get into discussion about his "REAL" mother, thats pretty low. I have raised that child since he was 5 yrs old and he calls me Mom. I love him like my own and will till the day I die.

ilovejack02, I completely agree with your parenting skills. In fact, I WAS that child who's parents marched them back into school. My dad even came back to school with me once when I was in High School to go through my locker!!!! (No, I wasn't hiding drugs or anything, I was just a disorganized kid!) My parents always had a tight leash on me, and even though I didn't understand it at the time, I am completely grateful that they were...I think it helped me to be a better, more "diciplined" person.

Anyway, was it embarrassing at the time? Yes. Did it teach me a lesson? Absolutely! In fact, for those of you that might think it put a strain on our relationship, it was quite the opposite. I have a great relationship with my parents, in fact now that I am older, I also consider them friends. My friends all knew that I had strict parents (my dad was also president of the school board!!!) but they weren't "strict" all the time. In fact, they were always supportive...going to all sporting events, and always were very nice to all of my friends. Kids need to know you care about them. They WANT the structure, rules, etc. Even if they don't admit it. (And I don't know many kids that will come out and say "I need help getting it together...search my locker!)

Will I do it with my own kids when/if this ever happens to them? You bet!

 

[rt2dz]

Just got a say, the disorganized child sounds a heck of a lot like my brother and one of my sisters. My parents never did get them organized. Not their job. It's when they threw up their hands and said you're on your own that they (bro & sis) got organzied.

They had to fail assignments, miss activities, and all sorts of things--basically lie in the bed they made. Got them organized real fast. I'd do the same thing because in life, you ARE on your own--it's sink or swim. Better to learn it at an earlier age than later.

Of course, that's probably cruel parenting too. From babyhood my kids have been learning about consequences for their actions.

 

[cepmom]

Does his "real" mom and dad know what you did to their child? Still think it was cruel and not a good parenting on your part. JMHO

wow....I just hope for your sake that your children don't ever have to deal with a "fake" parent in their life time. For what it's worth, I think what ILoveJack02 did was great! I've had to do similar things with my teen as well and guess what? She's pretty responsible now. Guess I'm cruel too though

You obviously have never had to deal with a teen before. Just existing is enough to embarrass a teen.

 

[freckles and boo]

Are you aware of the term "executive dysfunction"? I ran across it when I was doing research about autism (my younger daughter is autistic). It is a term used to describe kids inabilities to organize themselves and while it isn't exclusively associated with autism or add or adhd, many kids with those conditions also have organizational problems. Here is a link to one of many, many articles about executive dysfunction. On the fourth page I think that there are some helpful suggestions for helping kids learn to recognize their organizational problems and begin to solve them.

http://www.schoolbehavior.com/conditions_edfoverview.htm

ETA Yeah, the article is a little dull but if you wade through it there are parts that are helpful.

 

[Nancyg56]

Does his "real" mom and dad know what you did to their child? Still think it was cruel and not a good parenting on your part. JMHO

While I dod not agree with your response to Ilove Jack, I respected that you had a different parenting style. This response is way uncalled for. There are many step-parents who actually parent the children that they have taken as their own. My DH raised my three children as his own and his parenting style would make you cringe. He seldom raised his voice, never raised a hand, never denied them anything. But they knew that he would have been marching beside any one of them if they needed the attention in order to assist them in becoming responsible adults. They were accountable for their actions and lying was not tolerated. He taught my sons how to be men and spoiled my daughter. My sons have both tolld me and him that they were grateful that he loved them enough to take the time to be a part of their upbringing and how he is a role model for their work ethic and their success in life.

I resent that you would such a retort when you disagree with anothers method of parenting. It is shameful to insinuate that a stepparent is not as loving as a birth mother or father and has no place in a discussion that has been without rude comments.

 

[luvmydogs]

Does his "real" mom and dad know what you did to their child? Still think it was cruel and not a good parenting on your part. JMHO

Your words reflect very poorly on you. You should be ashamed.

 

[Feralpeg]

All students at the school where I teach are required to have a binder for each class. Once each month, we must do a binder check. They lose points if their binder is not organized or if there is missing work.

I also must sign homework planners each day for some students. These students are the ones who do not otherwise turn in homework. I make sure they have their assignment in their planner. The parents check their planners each night. This forces the students to get into the habit of writing down their assignment and following through with their homework. I know it seems like the parents and I are the ones following through. In most cases, the behavior pattern eventually sinks in and sticks.

 

[Florida_Mom]

I'm confused. Why is checking your child's backpack before you leave the school and retrieving anything he/she forgot embarrasing?

The truth of it is that I keep saying I'm going to do that with DS9 because he gets so down on himself when he leaves a book or homework assignment at school. I see it as a way to help him. Now, if I could just be organized enough to remember to check.....

 

[nettii]

ilove jack I just want to say for a parent to take the time to pick up their child every day and then go back into the school to get what they need takes dedication! Good for you for being a loving supportive Mother! I also have had to go into the school with my son to get work, its a real wake up call when DS realizes your not going to take no guff and school is the most important job he has at that time. To give it his all, even if his all is a "C"! To be supportive and loving thru his hole life good times and teen age years Keep up the good work its not easy being MOM!

 

[Kimmie5870]

Does his "real" mom and dad know what you did to their child? Still think it was cruel and not a good parenting on your part. JMHO

You obviously have issues If you look at your post and Ilovejacks02s they are basically the same exact thing other than the fact that she mentions that her step son got embarrassed (not that SHE embarrassed him) by doing what you yourself recommended. What a hypocrite you are!

Go to school and pick her up at the end of the day, look in her packback before she leaves the school. This way she will have what she needs. The classrooms are usually open for a hour or so after school.

I had to do this when my oldest stepson was in 8 th grade I picked him up everyday, first one in line. If all his papers werent in there or homework assignments werent signed by the teachers we marched our butts back into school. It embarassed the hell out of him. I also emailed everyday with a cpl of the teachers, but not all were willing to do that.

 

[SunKat]

Exactly!

Also, IMHO a little embarassment - or maybe shame even - never hurt a kid. My best friend and I cheated on a math test in 3rd grade and we got caught. My mom made me stand up the next day in class and apologize (sp? that doesn't look right) to my teacher and my class for cheating and not playing by the rules. It was totally embarassing and I've never forgotten it - especially when I've thought about doing something I wouldn't necessarily be willing to stand up and admit to a room full of people. It didn't scar me in any way but it sure did make me think before I acted in the future - so it may have been one of the most effective punishments of my entire life!

I agree. When I was around 7 years old and food shopping with my Mom, she kept saying "no" to something I really, really wanted. So, I stole it. When my Mom found out she didn't say "Oh, honey, that wasn't nice, don't do that again." She immediately took me back to the store, made me carry the stolen item and go apologize to the manager of the store and the cashier. I was mortified. Did I learn a lesson? Absolutely. Never shoplifted again!

After my DD10 forgot her homework one too many times, I wasn't so nice when I brought her back to the school to pick it up. I made her apologize to the secretary in the office because she had to stop what she was doing to get a janitor to open the classroom door. Once in the classroom, I made her apologize to the janitor. I explained to her that he had to stop what he was doing to go open her classroom. Was my DD near tears? Yep! Too bad. She got over it and she hasn't forgotten her homework since.

 

[Southern4sure]

Does his "real" mom and dad know what you did to their child? Still think it was cruel and not a good parenting on your part. JMHO

How cruel you are for asking this? This is like a sucker punch below the belt. How is what you suggested any different?

In no way would I do it to just embarass my child that is just cruel. My intention are to help my child anyway I can. As a parent that is my job. I want them to succedd in life not live in fear of what I am going to do to them.

BTW, it is spelled succeed not succedd... I'm not sure how old your child is but if you do not want to embarrass your child then plan on staying in doors and keeping your mouth shut at all times.....without knowing it you will embarrass your child at some point. I do it all the time...they just say laugh and say, "Mom, you did it again."

 

[ilovejack02]

Thank you all for the support!

Hey Op, so sorry the thread got hijacked, hopefully you can figure out something that works with DD. I can tell you I totally get how frustrating it is to have a child that wont get with the program at school.


Back to our regularly scheduled programming now....

 

[pbharris4]

SHe forgets to bring homework home 4 out of 5 days a week. Forgets to bring home books and turn homework in. She gets good grades on the tests...i just don't know. Never writes in homework journal. Asked the teacher for ideas...she assigned her a buddy...this did not work. Took the tv away....this did not work. Let me know what you did with your 10 year old...Iam going crazy with jr. high starting next year! I am organized by keeping notes. She forgot to let me know about her voice recital yesterday. What can I do? Thanks

My DD, a 5th grader, is EXACTLY like this. Sometimes I felt like I was the only one. MY DD has an Auditory Processing Disorder-she can hear fine, but when there's background noise she tends to process the words wrong. So they ALREADY make accomodations for her. She's constantly forgetting things (which is a problem w/ APD kids-short term memory), DH is that way too.

At this age I think they are starting to want a littlemore independence, but they do still need us. Howeverm my DD asks for our help and then doesn't listen, tries to get us to give her the answer, and also tells us we are wrong. So I've told her, if she wants our help, we'd give it to her, but if she is going to tell us we are wrong then we won' t help and she can her a bad grade and learn the hardway.