Need help on how to approach friend.

[Wishing on a star]

Hey, my own comments re: the gender issues and the social deficit issues have absolutely nothing to with the fact that one guy might talk about things with another.

It goes WAY further than that.

And, given the later posts by the OP, I am suspecting that either it IS him/her, or that they have the same social deficits that they seem to describe when they talk about their 'friend'.

Look, in this whole thread, it is unanimous that this whole situation is bad news.... No question.... No confusion.

If the OP is still confused....
Then, sorry....
You can't make somebody see the obvious.

Whatever.

 

[C.Ann]

Why did he marry his wife if she wasn't "the one".. You don't make a committment like that and then just change your mind because something "better" comes along..

If his marriage is a good one (aside from him wanting to sow some wild oats), he needs counseling - not a "fling"..

 

[Tinkh]

My BF since forever has confided in me a little tidbit about his marriage. He and his wife got married about 10 years ago. They were high school sweethearts and are perfect for each other.

Fast forward to last week when he told me that he wanted to talk to me about a situation that had arisen.

Basically a new girl has started at his work and they both have a ton in common. She's fairly attractive, and the common bonds they share only seem to enhance that image, in his mind. This girl is obviously interested (even though she knows he's married) because she constantly changes her facebook status talking about things like, "Why are all the good ones taken," etc.

He just doesn't know what to do, and I'm not sure what to tell him. He loves his wife dearly, but he thinks it's unfair that for all these years he thought life gave him "the One" but then throws this at him.

I'm at a loss for what to say to him. We're going out for a guy's night tomorrow, so I know this is going to be the discussion. On one hand I don't want anything to happen with him and his wife (since she's been a good friend of mine since High School as well), but on the other hand his point about fairness seems pretty valid. Is he never supposed to meet new people, and how, 10 years ago, when he got married, was he ever supposed to know that someone else may enter his life?

They have 3 lovely daughters and it just seems like a completely unfair situation. However, I'm a very strong "never cheat, never stray" type of guy, so I don't want to go light on him about this, and make sure I get some sort of point across.

Help me out DISers!

I have not read all the of the responses yet because this guy made me sick. What a sleaze! Hope he is thinking of the tears that his wife and his daughters will shed over and over. Poor baby... he can't tap another woman who is obviously seeking HIM out and making herself out to be his perfect woman. She is DIRT! A sleazy trollop who would do this period. Also, what good one is taken if he would cheat on his wife that makes him a scumbag piece of crud. She is right. All the good ones are taken and all the bad ones will cheat or think of cheating. I hope for his families sake that he does not get what he deserves.. which is losing that beautiful family for being a donkey.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If his marriage is a good one (aside from him wanting to sow some wild oats), he needs counseling - not a "fling"..

ITA!!!!
This is almost verbatim what I said in my first post at the beginning of the thread.

Something is very 'off' here.
I suspect that the friend/OP has some issues that are way deeper than how to deal with some trash/tart in the workplace.

 

[Mermaid02]

What a jerk. Tell him to avoid her- delete her as a friend on facebook- and concentrate on his wife and family.

Really, this is a "no brainer".

 

[MouseJunkie]

Having been in this situation, I think I would have thrown my stapler at him!! The grass is not always greener...and last I checked marriage vows are till death do you part...can you say??? eonk...eonk!!!

 

[Toad_Passenger]

OP here. I'm completely stunned at some of the responses and accusations being thrown my way.

On the internet there is no way I can force someone to believe anything. My word is all I have here, and since none of you know me, I guess it's probably worth nothing to anyone here. But, for whatever it is worth, I will say that I am 100% NOT the person on trial here, or involved in the situation at all...beyond being asked by my friend for my help.

Perhaps I haven't been around on the DIS for long enough, but I guess I see why some people have given up and left.

I certainly expected to see some harsh words thrown at my friend, and, I can see why that may be true. But to have things turned and thrown in my face, when all I wanted to do was help him, has been a truly rude awakening. To be told that I have some social "deficit" is even more maddening.

Thanks to those who have offered enough to help me with how I'm going to approach him tomorrow night. Your words may just be the thing that helps me save the marriage between 2 people who I have known for a long time. For the rest of you who want to analyze my position here, well, I'm not sure what to say.

 

[OceanAnnie]

OP here. I'm completely stunned at some of the responses and accusations being thrown my way.

On the internet there is no way I can force someone to believe anything. My word is all I have here, and since none of you know me, I guess it's probably worth nothing to anyone here. But, for whatever it is worth, I will say that I am 100% NOT the person on trial here, or involved in the situation at all...beyond being asked by my friend for my help.

Perhaps I haven't been around on the DIS for long enough, but I guess I see why some people have given up and left.

I certainly expected to see some harsh words thrown at my friend, and, I can see why that may be true. But to have things turned and thrown in my face, when all I wanted to do was help him, has been a truly rude awakening. To be told that I have some social "deficit" is even more maddening.

Thanks to those who have offered enough to help me with how I'm going to approach him tomorrow night. Your words may just be the thing that helps me save the marriage between 2 people who I have known for a long time. For the rest of you who want to analyze my position here, well, I'm not sure what to say.

Good luck! I hope he listens to you for his wife's sake, the sake of his family, and his own.

 

[C.Ann]

OP here. I'm completely stunned at some of the responses and accusations being thrown my way.

On the internet there is no way I can force someone to believe anything. My word is all I have here, and since none of you know me, I guess it's probably worth nothing to anyone here. But, for whatever it is worth, I will say that I am 100% NOT the person on trial here, or involved in the situation at all...beyond being asked by my friend for my help.

Perhaps I haven't been around on the DIS for long enough, but I guess I see why some people have given up and left.

I certainly expected to see some harsh words thrown at my friend, and, I can see why that may be true. But to have things turned and thrown in my face, when all I wanted to do was help him, has been a truly rude awakening. To be told that I have some social "deficit" is even more maddening.

Thanks to those who have offered enough to help me with how I'm going to approach him tomorrow night. Your words may just be the thing that helps me save the marriage between 2 people who I have known for a long time. For the rest of you who want to analyze my position here, well, I'm not sure what to say.

Just so you know, I read none of the other responses before I made mine - and I'm sorry if people have accused you of things unjustly..

As I said in my first response, he doesn't get a "do over".. Please encourage him to get personal and/or marriage counseling rather than destroying his life for a fling..

 

[Allison]

Puhleeze! Life didn't give him "the one". He made a choice-He made a commitment to someone and created a family. Now he's got the hots for someone else and is trying to play it off as some unfair cosmic happening?

Somebody needs to look at their priorities in life.

Good luck with this guy. He's headed down a dangerous path.

 

[torinsmom]

OP, I wish someone had had the courage to tell my ex what needs to be said to this guy. As a matter of fact, my ex wishes someone had had the courage to tell him as well. It didn't take him long to figure out the grass was not greener on the other side, but no way was I taking him back. He's had it pretty rough, and our son will never be the same man he would have been if he had grown up with two parents. Another child is in the same situation as well, b/c he did this again two years ago.

And, for the record, my ex was mostly responsible for the affair. However, a woman who knows a man is married and still engages in a relationship with him is not a decent human being. And anyone who will cheat WITH YOU will cheat ON YOU.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think having friends that hold you accountable is very important--not just in marriage issues but life in general.

I hope this is how your friend will *use* you tomorrow night. I hope you don't give any "high fives" because so much is at stake for this guy--so many lives will be affected by what he chooses to do.
I wish my BIL had a friend who would have helped him through ruining the lives of his family and his.

I'm glad my husband has several close male friends who he feels accountable to

 

[Robinrs]

OP here. I'm completely stunned at some of the responses and accusations being thrown my way.

On the internet there is no way I can force someone to believe anything. My word is all I have here, and since none of you know me, I guess it's probably worth nothing to anyone here. But, for whatever it is worth, I will say that I am 100% NOT the person on trial here, or involved in the situation at all...beyond being asked by my friend for my help.

Perhaps I haven't been around on the DIS for long enough, but I guess I see why some people have given up and left.

I certainly expected to see some harsh words thrown at my friend, and, I can see why that may be true. But to have things turned and thrown in my face, when all I wanted to do was help him, has been a truly rude awakening. To be told that I have some social "deficit" is even more maddening.

Thanks to those who have offered enough to help me with how I'm going to approach him tomorrow night. Your words may just be the thing that helps me save the marriage between 2 people who I have known for a long time. For the rest of you who want to analyze my position here, well, I'm not sure what to say.

This is the CB,man. And like I see all the time, you throw acid at the things they hold holy on this board.... DUCK!!!!

Don't mess with the perfect kids, DH, where they live and Disney resorts and you'll be fine. Complain about a mother in law or something, you'll be a hero.

 

[whatsup]

Tell him to get over her, in 10 years she will not be the "one" either and he would have ruined his marriage and his relationship with his 3 children. Just mention..

Child Support and alimony! He'll come to his senses!

 

[usnuzuloose]

Op, let me ask you if this is you, what response would you tell yourself? That is why men and women have no business having friends with the opposite sex due these circumstancses. If you are a friend you will tell him not to do this and I would ask myself if I need friends like this in my own life. Jo

 

[jobhunter]

The reason your friend is so confused is because he has already crossed a line with this girl...he's neck deep in an emotional affair and I bet his wife would already be hurt by the intimacy (even if not at all sexual!! that is not what i mean by intimate) of their interactions & conversations.

Research has shown that most affairs start in the workplace, between people who ARE NOT LOOKING FOR AFFAIRS. They start as 'just friends,' inching closer and closer to the cliff until they are over the other side. By the time they realize they are falling, they are too invested in the other relationship.

Edited for TMI. Once the smoke clears, they many times find out that the other person was not who they thought at all but who they wanted to seem to be. And their jobs are jeopardized, coworkers are estranged, not to mention the devastating toll to spouse and children.

So tell your friend, he needs to go no contact with this girl NOW. Nothing good can or will come from this. We are always going to find people in life we find intriguing or attractive. Do we jeopardize our marriages every time?

If the grass look greener, it's just because there's more sewage over there, kwim?

 

[PRmamiDEdos]

I agree with the previous poster. The only reason your friend is asking your opinion is b/c he's already crossed a line and he's looking to justify his actions. There are no do-overs in life. He can't decide, well, I did the best I could with this wife, but now I like this woman. If he does, he needs to realize that there are serious consequences for his actions and if he's okay with that, then more power to him.

Remind him of the 80/20 rule.

"The 80/20 Rule is simple. In a healthy relationship, you get about 80 per cent of what you need/want from your partner. They are caring, respectful and share a lot of the same interests as you, but then you meet someone who catches your attention for an unknown reason. It may well be because they fulfill the missing 20 per cent in your relationship – namely the sexual component. Because that 20 per cent has been missing for so long, you quickly conclude, “Hey, this person has everything I am looking for in a partner.” This can be a relationship killer. Since you jump genitals-first for this new interest, you may have given up your 80 per cent loving partner for a 20 per cent fling."

 

[mom2boys]

So this guy is willing to throw away 10 years with "the one"; being a father to his daughters and his career over a woman who would sleep with a married man?

 

[dislaney]

So this guy is willing to throw away 10 years with "the one"; being a father to his daughters and his career over a woman who would sleep with a married man?

This.

 

[disykat]

I think what is confusing people is the "confusion" over this issue! Why the confusion? Why the insisting he's a nice guy? He's not acting like a nice guy in this - period. He's already taken this "relationship" outside the workplace through facebook, if no where else. Those are not the actions of a nice guy. What's to be confused about?