Need help from other PTO/PTA Moms

[PrincessTiffany]

I know this is off-topic, but this is the only community board I belong to and I know there are other PTO moms on here.

I am vice-president/fundraising chair of the PTO at my three youngest children's elementary school and I need advice on how to deal with a difficult parent. About a month ago one of our PTO board members verbally attacked another fellow board member and physically grabbed her. The incident happened in front of the principal, school secretary, two children and a couple of students. Also, this was not the first time she had displayed inappropriate behavior. She had previously cornered the PTO president in the PTO storage room and verbally berated her and refused to move from in front of the door until she was finished screaming. She had been defensive and downright rude in pretty much every board meeting since school started and never seemed to be able to follow through on her assigned tasks. Needless to say, we asked her to resign from the PTO board. She totally freaked out and ranted and raved during the meeting, but finally left and we hadn't heard from her until a few days ago. She has started sending daily harrassing emails to all of the PTO board members. She is insinuating that we are mishandling funds - which we ARE NOT. She is just being vendictive. She has also sent emails to other parents outlining these false accusations and saying things like "watch out for the PTO, they will put a target on your back and shoot you down." We have given copies of the emails to the principal and at this point we have opted not to respond her crazy rantings.

This has been very upsetting. We are a brand new elementary school and have a great PTO board and parent volunteers and I'm afraid this craziness and turmoil will do harm to our, so far, good reputation. Has anyone else been in a position like this with a difficult PTO parent?

 

[stacy347]

Wow

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that nonsense. Some of our PTO moms can be catty but never like that.

My first piece of advice would be to definitely file a formal complaint with the police dept. for any physical attack (not sure if that was already done, but it would be good to have it documented). I do think that ignoring her emails is the best option but at the same time, I would be printing out a hard copy of each one in case this does escalate further.

The other thing you could do is send out a form letter to each parent stating something along the lines of how the PTO is going through some changes (no details) and that if parents have any questions or concerns they can contact the current board members (choose a contact person who could field those phone calls tactfully).


Good luck to you!!

ETA:
I almost forgot ~ you may already do this, but be sure that you are making copies of the funds available to parents. We have a letter typed up at least once a year stating how much money each fundraiser earned and what the money went for (and/or how much is still in the account). Any parent at any time can access that info through the PTO. She'll have less ammunition for her tirades if you are being completely upfront with all PTO info.

 

[EthansMom]

I think Stacy has given you some good advice. I would print the emails and take them to the local police. File a report for harassment. Also, I would file reports for any physical assault (such as grabbing, refusing the pres. to leave an enclosed room).

If I were on the board, I'd go to court and ask for an Order of Protection from this woman (based on her physical altercations and threats).

You should have copies of all of the PTO records (meeting minutes, treasurer's report, etc..) available in a public location. Ours are kept in the school office. Send out a letter telling everyone at the school that the allegations are unfounded and that anyone can look at your records (in such and such location) at any time and to contact the pres. if they have any questions.

 

[Mathfailure]

I have had to deal with people like this before, not the Pto though.

If this woman comes around, do not let anyone be alone with her, do not let her physically have contact. If she does, call 911.

This is behavior that indicates a mental health disorder, and should be taken seriously.

Using anger as a weapon, physically threating all are signs of a dangerous and manipulative person.

Listen to your inner warnings and take a lot of precautions.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Thanks for the input everyone. We have printed out all copies of the emails and all of our records are available. We put our meeting minutes on the PTO website each month and in the parent greeting/membership letter at the beginning of the year we stated that our financial statements would be available upon request. We have not contacted the police, but our school secretary's husband is the sheriff of our county and he is aware of the situation.

And, Mathfailure, I do believe she has some sort of personality disorder and definite anger and control issues. The other PTO board members have been told to avoid contact with her. I have four children and have been involved with the PTO in all different capacities over the past eight years and I have NEVER experienced anything like this before.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Thanks for the input everyone. We have printed out all copies of the emails and all of our records are available. We put our meeting minutes on the PTO website each month and in the parent greeting/membership letter at the beginning of the year we stated that our financial statements would be available upon request. We have not contacted the police, but our school secretary's husband is the sheriff of our county and he is aware of the situation.
And, Mathfailure, I do believe she has some sort of personality disorder and definite anger and control issues. The other PTO board members have been told to avoid contact with her. I have four children and have been involved with the PTO in all different capacities over the past eight years and I have NEVER experienced anything like this before.

That doesn't mean anything. You have to file an official complaint. I would file a complaint and then see if you can get the school's lawyer to file a cease and desist (sp?) letter basically letting her know that if she continues to behave in such a harrassing and libelous manner then further action will be taken.
Good luck.

 

[CLR4321]

I wouldn't even deal with it myself. Block her from emailing you and don't answer her calls. If she approaches you in person, ask her to back away. If she physically touches you, threatens you, or attempts to trap you as you described before...call the police. That is illegal behavior, and she will be given a good talking to or possibly even arrested. It sounds like this woman obviously has some mental problems. I feel bad for her children.

 

[mousebymarriage]

I completely understand your situation. I am PTO President as well and we have had similar incidents with a parent, although nothing physical. The problems we have encountered are because this particular mother is a control freak and cannot handle it when things don't go her way. She also wants to be president and didn't get her way on that either. The mother that I am speaking about disrupts every meeting and makes a specticle of herself. Our PTO executive board sits at a large table in the front of the room facing the "audience". The problem member rolls her eyes and makes faces when others speak, she interrupts when I or another board member is speaking. She taps the table with her nails, stomps her feet, makes sound effects etc when she doesn't agree with what is being discussed. She tries to start fights during meetings. She also texts constantly during the meetings. She is loud and rude and acts like a spoiled child. All of this goes on in full view of the parents in the audience.

For 6 months she went around to anyone who would listen and told them that we were mismanaging money and wasting money. Not to mention all the other bad stuff she has said about the members of the PTO. We have spoken to the principal on many occasions and at first he didn't take thing seriously. Now, he has witnessed her in action at the meetings and so have some of the teachers. We have removed her from the PTO and the Principal attends every meeting. When this mother tries to disrupt the meeting we handle it calmly but, if she doesn't take the hint the Principal cuts her off immediately. The Prinical advised us a while ago not to fly off the handle or fall prey to her attempts to engage any of us in confrontation, let her dig her own grave. We did as he advised and most parents know she is a trouble maker and some have even commented to the Prinicpal how professionally the executive board has handled the situation.

I would file a police report regarding the actual physical confrontation that you experienced and keep a record of everything that she does.

 

[Stephres]

Good advice so far. Do you have a county council you can turn to? Our PTA has a county council and when we were being attacked by a parent we went straight to them to get help and the president of the county council even ran a meeting so she couldn't pull her usual antics. If you have a higher body that can help, definitely take advantage of them.

Good luck!

 

[momofrrr]

It is not easy to deal with someone like that when you are a volunteer but this is what I would do. There should be something in your bylaws that will allow the board as a whole to request that the person resign and if that does not work then go to the next level up, a council level of some sort. If that does not help then I would move on to the State Level. That is one of the things they are there for. You might have to have them address the money issue that she is upset about but an audit of your records should settle that. Good Luck!

 

[PrincessTiffany]

I wouldn't even deal with it myself. Block her from emailing you and don't answer her calls. If she approaches you in person, ask her to back away. If she physically touches you, threatens you, or attempts to trap you as you described before...call the police. That is illegal behavior, and she will be given a good talking to or possibly even arrested. It sounds like this woman obviously has some mental problems. I feel bad for her children.

Thanks for the input. I have blocked her email and we have told the other members to do so also. And I definitely wouldn't answer her phone calls.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

I completely understand your situation. I am PTO President as well and we have had similar incidents with a parent, although nothing physical. The problems we have encountered are because this particular mother is a control freak and cannot handle it when things don't go her way. She also wants to be president and didn't get her way on that either. The mother that I am speaking about disrupts every meeting and makes a specticle of herself. Our PTO executive board sits at a large table in the front of the room facing the "audience". The problem member rolls her eyes and makes faces when others speak, she interrupts when I or another board member is speaking. She taps the table with her nails, stomps her feet, makes sound effects etc when she doesn't agree with what is being discussed. She tries to start fights during meetings. She also texts constantly during the meetings. She is loud and rude and acts like a spoiled child. All of this goes on in full view of the parents in the audience.

For 6 months she went around to anyone who would listen and told them that we were mismanaging money and wasting money. Not to mention all the other bad stuff she has said about the members of the PTO. We have spoken to the principal on many occasions and at first he didn't take thing seriously. Now, he has witnessed her in action at the meetings and so have some of the teachers. We have removed her from the PTO and the Principal attends every meeting. When this mother tries to disrupt the meeting we handle it calmly but, if she doesn't take the hint the Principal cuts her off immediately. The Prinical advised us a while ago not to fly off the handle or fall prey to her attempts to engage any of us in confrontation, let her dig her own grave. We did as he advised and most parents know she is a trouble maker and some have even commented to the Prinicpal how professionally the executive board has handled the situation.

I would file a police report regarding the actual physical confrontation that you experienced and keep a record of everything that she does.

Well, I think you can definitely understand my situation! We are also taking the no confrontation stance. We will have an executive board meeting on Monday and I'm hoping she stays away and does not make any more trouble. We have decided that if she does make another scene or harrasses anyone else we will have to file an official report on her.

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Good advice so far. Do you have a county council you can turn to? Our PTA has a county council and when we were being attacked by a parent we went straight to them to get help and the president of the county council even ran a meeting so she couldn't pull her usual antics. If you have a higher body that can help, definitely take advantage of them.

Good luck!

We are a PTO, so we do not pay dues to and have no affiliation with the national PTA or it's county or state affiliates. But, from now on the principal or vice-principal will attend all of our meetings and I think that will help.

 

[tchrrx]

Also, give the teachers of her children a little something special for Christmas. If she's that rude to PTO parents, think about how she's treating her child's teacher.

J/K, of course. I do hope things work out for you!

 

[PrincessTiffany]

It is not easy to deal with someone like that when you are a volunteer but this is what I would do. There should be something in your bylaws that will allow the board as a whole to request that the person resign and if that does not work then go to the next level up, a council level of some sort. If that does not help then I would move on to the State Level. That is one of the things they are there for. You might have to have them address the money issue that she is upset about but an audit of your records should settle that. Good Luck!

We did go by our by-laws and we did remove her from the board about a month ago. Also we are a PTO, so we do not pay dues to and have no affiliation with the national PTA or it's county or state affiliates. But, from now on the principal or vice-principal will attend all of our meetings and I think that will help.

Thanks for everyone's input, I appreciate it!

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Also, give the teachers of her children a little something special for Christmas. If she's that rude to PTO parents, think about how she's treating her child's teacher.

J/K, of course. I do hope things work out for you!

I feel sorry for her husband and her kids - she has triplet girls. I imagine she is as controlling and angry at her home just as she is at school. It is actually a very sad thing.

 

[ogreenlee]

who the heck acts like that?


i'd love to see some fellow mom put her hands on me like that. the opening of the can that would ensue.

 

[2Kds2K9]

That's what's good about a PTO and bad about a PTO. It's self-governing. You don't have a National PTO/PTA to back you up. Sounds like you've done the right thing by removing her from the board, but now you'll have to treat the rest as a civil matter.

Our Elementary School changed from a PTA to a PTO and the PTA President embezzeled $180K from us. YEP, that was 180 THOUSAND! Long story, but she urged us to change over in hopes of not getting caught. Didn't work. In the meantime, we lost the backing of the National PTA to help us out with prosecuting her.

Good luck!