Need help dealing with Autistic neighbor

[preb]

It’s a long story, so bear with me!

About 3 months ago, a family moved in down the street from us in our sub. The son, who I would guess to be around 14 (but is very large for his age), rides his bike around the block for hours every day screaming gibberish, profanity and nonsense at the top of his lungs. It is annoying to the point that all of the neighbors have commented about it, but I don’t think anyone has actually approached him or his family.

My DD, who is 5, thought he was silly and funny. She would wave at him as he would ride by and say “Hi” and giggle at his antics. This gave him an audience and the frequency of his escapades increased and seemed to be more focused on our house.

A couple of weeks ago, she was outside doing sidewalk chalk and I was in the garage. He pulled up next to her and said “I’m going to shake my wee-wee at you.” By the time I came out to see what was going on, he was thrusting his pelvis back and forth (with his shorts on). When he saw me he took off and I told her it was time to come in the house. I have limited her to playing in the backyard ever since.

Tuesday, after school, my daughter and I were in our bathing suits in the pool in our backyard. He was riding around doing his screaming thing. When he discovered that we were in the back, he rode his bike through the grass to our fence line and yelled, “Hey, lady, get naked” several times. I (without yelling) finally said, “Please don’t ride through our grass.” He continued yelling, so I said “You need to go home now and let your Mother know that I’m going to come down tonight and have a talk with her.”

Well, that put him over the edge. He started screaming, “I’m going to fing kill you, you fing b” over and over and over again. We got out of the pool and went into the house right away. My daughter, as I’m sure you can imagine, was totally freaked out. She kept asking, “Mommy, why is that mean boy going to kill you?” As we were changing out of our suits, he started banging on the front door. He continued screaming the same thing from the front of the house. Really, he must have said it over 30 times.

So, in a panic, I called my husband at work and told him we were really going to have to confront his parents and put an end to this. He told me to see if I could tell which house he lived at so he could go talk to them as soon as he came home. I went out front to see if I could see him and he was still there and started screaming the same things over again. My husband could hear him over the phone and said, “That’s it. I’m calling the police.”

So, the police came, took my side of the story and then went to the end of the block to find his house. His mother was home and talked to them for quite a while. She said he is autistic and she is doing the best she can as a single mom. She also said he’s never become violent “outside of the home”. She told them that she would come down to talk to me to try and explain his situation “either tonight or maybe tomorrow night, once we’ve both had a chance to calm down”. They also told me that they had a call two weeks ago that involved him at the park, which is across the street from our house.

Well, she never came to talk to me. My daughter is totally freaked out and scared to play outside. So, what do I do? Try to approach the mom? File for a personal protection order? Move?

Please help me with any opinions or in site. I have no experience in dealing with Autism and I think that I’m too emotionally involved to think clearly at this point.

 

[Octoberbride03]

I have experience working with Autistic children, and though a few of them have been tempermental and prone to tamtrums and screaming, none of them have ever had the type of behavior you're describing,at least not in my presence. But then most of the kids i worked had serious trouble communicating and wouldn't even have known the curses this boy does.

There are programs for autistic children, and though its best to get them enrolled in a program as young as possible, there are still programs for teens and older kids, since some need help all their lives.

Honestly, if you are concerned for your family's safety after talking to his mother, or if she doesn't talk to you today, then call Child Services. Having known autistic children over the past several years has made me very understanding of the type of behavior that can occur. But any behavior that is compulsive(the bike riding) or threatening(his tantrum and threats to you) must NEVER be accepted. No matter what his mother says your family should be able to go outside without having to worry about the boy.

Good luck

 

[gallaj0]

I would try to speak with the mother first, and let her know in no uncertain terms that what her son was doing was unacceptable behavior, no matter what the reason.

While you can't prevent him for riding his bike anywhere legal, you can do something about harrasing behavior like yellling obscenties, tresspassing, and lewd conduct. All these things are illegal, and you should let her know that they will not be accepted.

I wouldn't mention the police while speaking with her, but if the behavior continues, I wouldn't hesitate to call them again.

I would also not let you daughter outside without supervision, and I would probably also put an alarm on any gates going into the backyard.

 

[Jeafl]

A woman I used to work with has a son who is about 16 and autistic as well. Her son was very large for his age, and did (unintentially) become violent enough that she had to put him in a special home. He just became too much for her to handle and became a threat to her and to others (she was also a single mom).

In any case, I would take this seriously. I really feel for that poor woman because she is probably at her wits end. However, you have to worry about your family's safety. If she doesn't come down and talk to you, go with your husband down there and tell her firmly that he cannot come over to your house at all. I don't know if she has any control over his behavior at all, I know my co-worker didn't. If he continues to come over and harass you and your family, you probably have no choice but to get the authorities involved.

As an aside, our very good friends also have 2 autistic daughters (one actually has aspergers which is a more highly functioning form of it). Neither one of them has ever become even the slightest bit violent. I wonder if it is more prevalent in boys.

 

[CRB#33]

I have found that many parents have blinders on when it comes to the behaviors of their Autistic children. Especially the fact that they are the main reason their children have behaviors. Many of these children are spoiled rotten and given what they demand because of the tantrums that occur when they don't get their way.

This may be because the parent thinks the child won't understand discipline because of their disablity. Many of the autistic children I work with know exactly what they are doing wrong. The problem is they have the inabililty to change it once it gets as far as this boy's has. They are getting conflicting messages at school and at home and they cannot process it, so they cannot control it.

Most of the discipline a behavioral autistic child gets is in his/her classroom.

It's really not the child's fault and really not the parents either. Raising autistic children doesn't come naturally. The mother needed to start very young controlling this child and she did not. Unless a major change is made in his education and upbringing, and I mean every moment of every day, he will not change.

I have seen major changes in behavioral autistic children when they have had one on one aides in the classroom and behavior specialists who work closely with the parent, teacher and aide. If a child doesn't get all, it probably won't change.

Many parents give up and say they are doing the best they can, but the fact that this child is allowed to roam the neighborhood and do the things he is means that she is absolutely NOT doing the best she can. She cannot let this child out on his own. It's irresponsible. Just because he is autistic, doesn't mean he should be able to get away with what he does.

And just because he has never been violent, doesn't mean that he won't become physical. This mother must be made aware that he is going through puberty, just like any normal boy his age is. These hormones are hard enough for normal boys to figure out. An autistic child really has no concept of why he feels the way he does or what is happening to him.

She must start watching him 100% of the time.

Like I said many parents give up and send their kids to residential treatment facililties.

You have a right and a reason to be worried. His language and actions are unacceptable and if she will not control him, keep him in or have a "shadow" with him at all times, you will need to continue to call the police or a child protection service. This situation is not good for the autistic boy either.

Good luck.

 

[CRB#33]

Originally posted by Jeafl
As an aside, our very good friends also have 2 autistic daughters (one actually has aspergers which is a more highly functioning form of it). Neither one of them has ever become even the slightest bit violent. I wonder if it is more prevalent in boys.

I've seen terrible behaviors in girls. Screaming, spitting, cursing, pinching hitting and throwing furniture.

I've seen more autistic boys then girls, but the behaviors seem to be the same (when there are behaviors).

 

[lrmillen]

This sounds exactly like another situation I know of. Someone I know works in the county prison at intake. He had noticed one boy kept being admitted and then released. Turns out his story is this...19 years old, Autistic, Bothering neighbors, thrown in jail, gets bailed out, repeat.

It is very sad for the boy and his single mom. She kept him inside for most of his life because he couldn't relate to others, but when he hit his teens it became impossible to do that. So she started a program with him to help his social skills, but it was really too late, early intervention is vital in autism. The older he got the less options there were for him educationally so he would just wander around the neighborhood which scared the residents (he actually never did/said anything), and he had a restaining order placed on him by most of the neighbors. That didn't keep him off so they just called the police everytime it happened. That is why he ends up in county prison so much. When he is there he does not know how to respond to people so it puts him at risk for harassment among other things. No one in the prison has the time to work with someone who is always unresponsive because there are hundreds of others who need care.

Obviously, your family's safety is the most important thing. But, I would seriously help the mom get some help before you take legal action. At 14 yrs. there are still programs for him that the county might cover. I'm not sure what's available in the Troy area, but check for EDEN institutes or Youth and Family Services to start.

 

[preb]

I was planning on trying to work with the Mom (kind of Mom-to-Mom) because I'm sure she does have her hands full. Three things really bother me, though:

1. She let him ride around screaming for hours every day. If we can hear him clearly, she sure can, too. I think this shows a disregard for others.

2. The one time I did see her outside, it was to yell, "Get your a** home, boy" out the car window to her son. That is why I was hesitant to approach her in the first place. I thought it might be a waste of time.

3. She never came down to talk to me. That again shows a disregard for us, I think.

I was thinking of writing her a letter, but I don't even know what to say. I want my daughter to be able to play outside without being harrassed. If she can't control her son and assure me of that, then we have a problem. It seems to be a problem that can't be resolved without one of us moving or her placing him in a home, which isn't an easy answer.

I'm also not clear where his rights stop and ours start. Tuesday he definately crossed the line. He was on our property and threatening me. But, does he have the right to ride his bike on a public sidewalk or in a public park and scream? At this point, even that will make my daughter (and me) nervous about being outside, because of what has already happened and how fast it got out of control. But, I think that may be an unreasonable request?

I'm really not as concerned about my safety as I am upset about the impact it's had on my family.

Does a letter sound like a good idea...and any ideas on what to say?

Thanks for all of your input so far. It's given me a lot to think about.

 

[vettechick99]

Gosh, what a terrible situation for you and them! Seems no one really knows what to do.

In my psych undergrad studies, I visited a classroom for children with behavioral issues (some may have been autistic). To say I was beyond SHOCKED is an understatement! The teacher was in the front doing her best to teach and control but half the kids (some very large pre-teens) were running around slamming themselves into walls ceaselessly. Some were screaming, others were half paying attention. I can't imagine having to deal with that everyday...I'd be lost.

I don't have much advice, but I would do some research on this subject and go talk to her with your husband. I think a letter would be ignored. Maybe from being in the house and getting to know her, you can see what she deals with. Sounds like she needs all the help she can get and if she is the type to accept it (and not act defensively), you can work with her in some way.

Keep us posted!

 

[2angelsinheaven]

My question is where is the mom while all of this is going on?

 

[preb]

Tuesday she was home, which is why I'm hesitant to try and "work with her mom-to mom". Prior to that, I wasn't sure where he lived, as we were trying to just ignore him, so I don't know if she was home or not. As a single mom, I'm assuming she works, so maybe there was someone else watching her son during the summer that didn't do a very good job.

I do feel for her and I really wish she had approached me to try and work something out. I just don't know if I have what it takes to help her through this. I'm still pretty shaken up and just plain mad. I guess I'll just take it day by day and see what happens. If he's back out riding his bike and yelling, then I'll have to make some kind of contact with her to try and establish some boundries.

Thanks again for helping me sort this through. Any other input would be greatly appreciated.

 

[luvmarypoppins]

Oh I am reading this post, it gets me sad and mad at the same time. I see the moms side because my cousins daughter is also autistic, but as the other posters said, shes pretty nonverbal except when she is mad and she, as a girl can get violent too. She has broken furniture etc. They have even thrown her out of a few sheltered programs because of her behavior. My cousin is a single mom again, her 2nd husband just left her alot I am sure had to do with the daughter.

This child needs supervision and is not getting it. I agree with the other posters. Look into the child services etc. and any other legal issues you might have. My cousin never even lets her daughter out of the house unless she is with her. My cousin only gets 1 weekend a month or maybe every 5-6 weeks where someone from the state comes for respite care. Her daughter stays overnight at this ladys house. That is the only break she gets. She has even had to get congressman to get her daughter into some programs, like easter seals, etc.

It was so sad and mad because I also watch a little autistic boy in our church nursery and its so sad because I read these other posts and see where this boy is heading. The parents too make no followup, always excuse their childs behavior, like oh if the lights go out or something crashes, they said, oh , it must be our son. It takes me and 2 of my ds just to watch this kid in an enclosed room for about 1 1/2 hours. They dont followup with anything like social interaction etc. They just either search for him when he is lost, usually the father watches him if he goes outside. My dh suggested a child leash for him and the dad practically blasted my dh. This was after they even admitted they get him light up shoes in case he runs away in the dark, neighbors have brought him home etc. I want to help this little boy so much and feel so helpless.

You should be commended that you are even involved, if not just for your daughters safety but are trying to do the right thing without being too confrontational, but I am sure this might not work out the way you envision it. Keep us posted. Just curious, do you live in a neighborhood association etc, that has rules etc. Keep us informed as to what happens. Good Luck.

 

[Annie68]

What a scary situation . I would definitely keep my daughter inside for the time being, and I would call the police the minute he stepped on my property again.

My DH is a reserve sheriff, he mentioned it would be a good idea for both you & your husband to attempt a meeting with the mom....just to make her aware of exactly what was said to you by her son & how uncomfortable you are feeling. That would give her the opportunity to tell you what she plans on doing, if anything, then you can go from there.

I live in Troy, Mi, too! If he were living in my sub, I'd offer to have a talk with the mom myself .

 

[100%Disney]

If there are any more problems, call the police and then social services. I was a Sheriff's deputy and worked in juvenile court, kids are more violent than adults, handicapped kids aren't an exception to the rule. Most of them knew that nothing was going to be done to them, they would go to detention for 3 days and then be released, it took an act of congress to get them sent to training school. Be careful around this kid, don't hesitate to call the police.

 

[Bojangles]

Originally posted by Annie68
attempt a meeting with the mom....just to make her aware of exactly what was said to you by her son & how uncomfortable you are feeling. That would give her the opportunity to tell you what she plans on doing, if anything, then you can go from there.

Good advice. If it continues, you need to take steps to protect yourself, starting with a restraining order. Good luck.

BTW, do they rent? You might be able to have them evicted if necessary for his disorderly behavior.

 

[disykat]

I would keep dealing with the police. It sounds to me like it's also an issue for child protective services if the child is not receiving adequate supervision - the police can make those referals and keep you out of it. There are some good residential treatment programs out there - I have an autistic 2nd cousin in one. He needs CONSTANT supervision - something which most families are unable to provide, especially for a teenager who is possibly physically too big for one person to handle.

 

[mbb]

My kids have autism.

I wish...
that there were (better and more) Community based social programs to help in exactly these kinds of situations.

I hope...
for peace and gentle resolution for you and your family, your neighbour, and her son.

I know...
that this is hard for all for you...and that with searching, listening and sharing, you will find understanding.

With understanding, comes solutions.

Let us know what yours will be.

 

[lenshanem]

Egads! I totally feel for you! What a situation to be in! First, I must say your daughter's safety is the most important thing of all. Unfortunately, it sounds like your daughter will now be forced to play only in the fenced in back yard.
I would definitely put a lock on that gate.
What you described does not sound safe at all. I would suggest you call child services and see if they can direct you to someone who can give you advice on what to do.
I do feel sorry for the Mom, that must be really stressful to deal with alone, but his behavior warrants supervision. The things he said and did towards your family is just scary.
Does the state provide nay kind of after school programs or assistance for this type of situation?
I hate to say this, but if he does anything that severe again you might want to keep making reports with the police so it is on file.

I had a similar situation, although not as severe a couple years ago. We had a girl on our culdesac who was much older than my daughter, but about the same mental capabilities. She was harmless - they would play Barbies, together, etc. Then her parents started letting her outside all day long, even late into the night. She was constantly knocking on our door and it was starting to drive me crazy. I just can't be outside all day supervising all the neighborhood kids. (I'm still kind of in that predicament with my next door neighbor's kids, but that is another story...)
So I started letting them play on the fort in out fenced in back yard. I was sitting at the kitchen table paying bills and looked up and the girl was doing some risque kind of stuff. I ran out and sent her home. Later, I find out all the other neighbors' kids have had similar things happen. It upset me nobody told me and were too scared to talk to the girl's parents. I finally went over and talked with them and it was not easy> I was embarrassed and felt sorry for the Mom. Shortly after they moved.

Good luck, please let us know what happens and keep your daughter safe!

 

[Chicago526]

I think you MUST talk with the mom to get a handle on what her situation is, before you can take further action. The mom may not have contacted you in fear that you and your husband were angry. You're not, but she's got no way of knowing that, and maybe she's had trouble with neighbors in the past that was less than pleasent.

With any luck, this situation is just what the mom needs to see that her son needs more care than she can give alone, and can and will get help.

If it turns out she is unreasonable and just lets the kid run loose because it's easier than controling him, has to work too much to supervise him, or is frightend of him herself due to his size, then you will have to get the authorities involved.

Please let us all know how it turns out, and good luck!

 

[Robinrs]

God bless, mbb...

My son's former best friend has autism. He's only 10 now but I see this coming, also.

When Michael first met him in the first grade his problems were easier to deal with. As he ages the problems have become more violent and problematic. The other kids are worse, also, since they have less patience and compassion as they age.

Last week he lashed out at Michael and pushed him nearly down a flight of stairs. Now, mind you, Michael is TWICE this child's height and weight but he knew he couldn't retaliate against him. Michael, the most tolerant human being I know, has reached his end with him...

The parents are such sweet people and they do all they can but this situation will get very similar to your neighbors soon and I just cry and pray for them.

Do all you can to protect your daughter and make sure every incident is reported. This poor mother has probably heard it all and seems to have loosened her chain on him like many parents of teenagers do instead of tightening it. She doesn't seem to have a lot of control. Check with the authorities and see what you can do.

God bless,

Robinrs