Need advice/vent...So mad at DH/Update on page 10

[SoMad]

First off I am a long time poster under a different user name. I have family and friends that read this board so I changed it

This may not be a big deal to some of you but I am steaming at my husband right now.

I came across a traffic ticket he received about 2 weeks ago and did not tell me about it. I found it in his sock drawer while putting some clothes away. It was for a failure to stop. Grant it, I have been on him to make sure he stops completely at stop signs. He likes to do rolling stops
well it looks like he got busted for it.
The fine was $120

Now I know he has not taken any money out of our account because I am in charge of the checkbook. I know what goes in and what comes out.

To make a long story short I found out he went to MY mother and borrowed the money from her to pay for the ticket. He is working off the money by doing extra things for her. Here I thought he was just being extra nice.

I have no idea if he was planning on telling me or not but I am so fuming mad. Yes, I would have been mad about the ticket in the first place and he knows it, but the fact he went and HID it from me makes me even more mad. To top it off he borrowed money from my mother just so I would not find out about it.
It was a good thing he was not here when I found it.

I have no idea how to confront him when he gets home from work today. Should I just leave the ticket on the counter where he puts his stuff or should I put the ticket back where I found it and wait to see if he mentions it?

I am just so angry because I have been on his case about his driving! I know that is why he didn't want to tell me. He knows I would have been ticked off because I TOLD him he was going to get a ticket if he wasn't careful.

 

[Christine]

Confront him when he gets home. I am sooooo not about games. If you wait for him to tell you--well, that doesn't appear like it's going to happen.

 

[yeartolate]

I found out he went to MY mother and borrowed the money from her to pay for the ticket. He is working off the money by doing extra things for her.

"Honey, Mom called and needs her bikini wax today....she asked you to be there at 6pm - whats that about?"

 

[mickeyboat]

I would confront him, too. He should not be hiding something like that from you. Try to stay away from giving him crud about getting the ticket - those things happen. But make sure he knows he can come to you with anything, and that your are angry because he hid it from you.

Denae

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think I would feel absolutely awful that he felt he could not come to me and talk it over.
The fact he felt like he had to hide it would make me sad.

 

[floridafam]

Edited.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

"Honey, Mom called and needs her bikini wax today....she asked you to be there at 6pm - whats that about?"

edit to add: it sounds like to me he didn't want to tell you because he wasn't in the mood for a lecture. So he went around you and found another solution. I've found that when you treat people like children, they often begin to act like children....at work and at home.

 

[salmoneous]

My opinion? Assuming your husband is a pretty good guy in other aspects, you should put the ticket back in his sock drawer and forget you ever saw it.

The guy screwed up and has found a way to take care of the issue. What exactly does it accomplish to turn this into a huge fight?

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I think that there are issues between you and your DH that go beyond the traffic ticket. It's too bad that he felt the need to hide it from you. I would also be mad if I were you--both that he got it, that he hid it, and that he went behind your back with your mother to cover it up. I would confront him about it, but do my best to stay calm and work on the actual issues that led to him doing this. Your mother was also in the wrong since I think she should have told him to work it out with you and not allowed him to come to her in the first place. Good luck!

 

[Beth76]

Just to be clear, this is your husband not your child, right? Because from the "tone" of your post it sounds more like a mother venting about her child. He's an adult, he's dealing with it. Let it go.

 

[Skatermom23]

I am just so angry because I have been on his case about his driving! I know that is why he didn't want to tell me. He knows I would have been ticked off because I TOLD him he was going to get a ticket if he wasn't careful.

This is why he didn't tell you! I am all for no game playing between husband and wife but also no harping on their "habits" either. He is an adult and should know better otherwise he will get caught..and he did.

 

[rt2dz]

I understand your pain, but I just can't get past the your DH doesn't have access to money without going through you. The whole post just seems like a parent-child relationship than a spousal relationship. I really am not "flaming", I just think it could explain the dynamics of what happened.

 

[Christine]

This is why he didn't tell you! I am all for no game playing between husband and wife but also no harping on their "habits" either. He is an adult and should know better otherwise he will get caught..and he did.

I understand about the harping, but you know, it's really hard not to.

My husband, IMO, is a terrible tailgater. I am constantly telling him (nagging, in his words) that he is following too closely. Early in our marriage, about 3 weeks after we got our very first brand new car, he slammed into the back of someone. Totally his fault. I was so angry because he just would never learn. Not only was it our fault and the car was a mess, he was ticketed and our insurance rates went up for at least 3 years. Now, this wasn't the end of it, and to this day, he still continues, and rear ended someone two years ago. When it happens he gets all indignant with me because he doesn't want to hear the "I told you so's."

So, why should we "back off" of these spouses that are doing stuff like this. Because when they screw up, it hurts the ENTIRE family. I'm sure that the OP's insurance will go up if he got points on his license. What if he continues his driving happens. Many people learn from their mistakes, but LOTS don't.

 

[Rajah]

I would confront him about it. For me, the part that would upset me the most is that he went to *my* mom to borrow the money to pay for it.

 

[brerrabbit]

The fact that your husband would be afraid to let you know combined with the fact that you have that tight of a control on the money are signs of much bigger problems in the relationship. It must be pretty hard for him to buy you presents for special occasions if the controls are that tight. My DW and I have been married for 24 years in August and things like tickets and her spending money on things and me spending money on things are not even on the radar screen. Our relationship is built on mutual trust in all things. We are not afraid to give each other bad news.

 

[Beth76]

So, why should we "back off" of these spouses that are doing stuff like this. Because when they screw up, it hurts the ENTIRE family. I'm sure that the OP's insurance will go up if he got points on his license. What if he continues his driving happens. Many people learn from their mistakes, but LOTS don't.

So how is "harping" going to help the situation? It only stands to hurt the relationship, IMO. Again we are talking about adults here, right?

 

[Christine]

So how is "harping" going to help the situation? It only stands to hurt the relationship, IMO. Again we are talking about adults here, right?

I realize that harping is never nice but what do you do when they are doing crap that you KNOW is going to cost money or, worse, get them and someone else hurt. I realize everyone is an adult, but personally, I get a little ticked my my DH does this and then we spend the next three years "paying." Sometimes the "for better or worse" gets a bit trying.

 

[Pam]

I think I would feel absolutely awful that he felt he could not come to me and talk it over.
The fact he felt like he had to hide it would make me sad.

That was my thought, too.

At least he took the steps to pay the thing - didn't just hide the ticket and ignore it, hoping it would go away.

 

[CathrynRose]

"Honey, Mom called and needs her bikini wax today....she asked you to be there at 6pm - whats that about?"

I like this.

I understand your being upset - but it would bother me more, thinking there must be some reason he isnt telling you. Why would he be "scared" to?

People make mistakes...

 

[budbeerlady]

I have left stuff like that on the counter before! Only Dh didnt pay it ever (what did he think would happen), and guess who got pulled over by the sherrif since the car is in his name. I could have killed him, the officer was very polite telling me he needs to get down to the court house . At least your Dh paid it secretly, I wanted to kill mine.