Need Advice/Thoughts Re:Good Friend and her Wedding *UPDATE PG 2*

[Aimeedyan]

I have been hesistant to ask for advice on this... but I am torn as to what to do!!!!! LOOOOOONG story short:

I have a good friend that's getting married next June. Since meeting her FI, she has become very very independent womanish, going so far as to throw a fit about him buying her an engagement ring, and will not let either set of parents financially assist in anyway. It's been a loooooong road with her to this point, trying to decide what kind of wedding to have, etc etc. She has sought out my advice every step of the way, and I've tried to offer her other viewpoints...

They will be having a wedding of sorts, to please her parents, but since they are both poor grad students, she has decided that they will not have a reception of any sort, NOR will they host a rehearsal dinner following their rehearsal for those present.

Their parents will be meeting for the first time the wedding weekend, and they want to take just the parents out to dinner after the rehearsal. Following the wedding, they want to just take out immediate family to dinner as the first gesture towards their families as a married couple.

But she expects the bridal party to hang around and then meet up with them later, on both nights. All the bridal party will be from out of town, I should add... and be in a strange city waiting around.

Now, I am admittedly a wedding fanatic, and I just cringed when she told me this the other night. To me, it is IMPERITIVE that you thank your guests by having a recpetion of some sort... even just cake and punch, but SOMETHING needs to be done after people have dressed up, given up their afternoon, treked to your wedding, brought you a gift, etc. It doesn't have to be expensive, just something nice to do...

But really what sent me over the edge was the Rehearsal Dinner. I think it's rude to expect people to fly in, take off work, etc, meet for your rehearsal at a dinner hour, then send them on their way while you enjoy a nice dinner out, THEN expect them to meet back up with you later in order to take you out for your bachelorette/bachelor parties. I think a rehearsal dinner is a way to thank your bridal party members for taking an entire weekend to celebrate your marriage... esp when you're not even having a reception, I think it's the least you can do. And again, doesn't have to be fancy... just something.

I also am quite certain that they will come across as rude when they inform their bridal party members that they will not be taking them to dinner, but just the parents and siblings... and that guests will find them rude when they have no reception after their ceremony... I dont want her to come across this way, but I myself think it's rude...

My question is, do I approach her about this? How can I do it without coming across as holier than thou? Her bottom line is that they can't afford it... though both sets of parents would LOVE the honor of hosting such events in their childrens honor, they refuse to let them. My thinking is that a rehearsal dinner of some sort, and a simple reception, are not options... their wedding basics... and if you can't afford those basics of a wedding, then you shoudn't have a wedding with attendants and people attending... you know?

All they really want to do is elope, really. I think she's trying to cut back on the essentials so much that her parents will finally give up and tell her to just elope, you know? They haven't even found a ceremony site yet...

Should I wait until it becomes more of a reality, since things are so up in the air? I just don't want to hurt her feelings. She already feels that her dream wedding is ruined anyways because her dream is to elope with her FI... I don't want to add to that...

Sorry it's long! Thoughts, please?

 

[stinkerbelle]

Well - you said it - they don't want a wedding, they just want to get married (ie - elope) and be done with it.

If they are doing this to appease their parents - they are going to tick off alot of people.

If this is the type of wedding they want - then it should JUST be the immediate families at the courthouse/church/whatever and that's it.

It's wrong to have a whole bridal party...when there really is no "party"...you know?

It sounds odd...but I think you are right, they may just be doing the smallest amount to get by hoping their parents will relent.

Personally? I would graciously back out of this wedding...I know it sounds harsh...but that's alot to put up with IMO.

best of luck to you

 

[jcemom]

What about being married quietly, in a civil ceremony or "eloping" as they desire, then allowing the parents to host a small informal party in their honor afterwards? That might be a compromise that would suit everyone.

 

[ead79]

I agree with you that their expectations of the bridal party and their guests are unreasonable. It is a shame that she will not allow their families to help fund a rehearsal dinner and reception. It certainly does not need to be elaborate by any means, but I agree with you that hosting rehearsal dinners and receptions is important and proper etiquette-wise. A simple cake and punch reception would be lovely and a nice gesture to the guests who have given of their time and money to attend the wedding. I also don't think it's proper to make your wedding party take you to a bachelor/ette party when you do not host a rehearsal dinner for them. I think if I were you I would wait until the event is a bit closer before commenting, and trying to really do it in a judicious way. What a sticky situation!

 

[bananiem]

I admit I didn't even read the whole post. She needs to figure out what she wants: The big to-do for the parents or a quiet elopement. If she does the big to-do for the parents she needs to do it RIGHT, not like she's out for revenge.
I agree with jcemom's advice. Has she thought about having a small ceremony and then letting the parents have the party. Then again you said she won't let them help with it. What's up with THAT? If they want to help financially, why not let them?

 

[FTWFAN]

Why don't they just let their parents go with them to the courthouse, judge marry them and then all of them go out to dinner. If they want their siblings at dinner, let them join them at the restaurant. Don't have a brides maid or best man or anything. I agree with you that her plans would come across as rude, whether she means to seem rude or not!

I hope everything works out!

 

[Kimberle]

Wow, I sure would not fly into town for a wedding like that. By not having even something simple (i.e. punch & cake at a parents house), it's going to look like they are just getting married for the gifts. If they don't want a wedding, then they shouldn't have one. Period, it's their "day".

Do they expect their attendents to buy/rent dresses & tux's too?

Send them a card with your "greetings", and a check if you like, but stay "out of Oz...."

 

[ChibiJones]

All they really want to do is elope, really. I think she's trying to cut back on the essentials so much that her parents will finally give up and tell her to just elope, you know?

We recently eloped because neither of us wanted to plan a traditional wedding. But there was no way I would even consider something as tacky as not having a reception. I know if I were contemplating something like this, my parents would have stepped in & booked everything whether I liked it or not.

Just my 2¢, but she is not a child, so it's time to stop playing childish games and act like an adult. If she doesn't want the big wedding, that is fine, most people will understand.

BTW, what does the groom & his family have to say about all this?

 

[jeleebeene]

I think I agree with the majority here that that is just plain crazy.

If they are having a bridal party, I assume that the girls are buying their own dresses and the guys are renting tuxes. Well, I personally would not buy a dress that I will be wearing for just a wedding - if there was a reception, atleast you can wear it longer, but just for a wedding that lasts maybe an hour to 2 hours at most? Plus, they don't even get to go to dinner as a thank you - what is up with that? Are they even planning on buying gifts for the wedding party?

I say, tell her you think eloping is the best plan, and have a small get together with family if that is what she wants. I would never expect family or friends to spend money on plane tickets etc. if it was just for a ceremony. You will have more upset people I think - unless, ofcourse, it is just stated on the invitation that there will only be a ceremony, then it is the decision of those family/friends to fly into town. Otherwise, I would send a nice card and say Congratulations and Good Luck!

 

[minniecarousel]

Why is there a "bridal party" if there isn't going to be a reception? They should either elope or allow their parents to pay for a simple rehearsal dinner and reception. When they send out invitations, they'll not be including any mention of a reception?! Sheesh! They're coming across as cheap!

 

[missypie]

Sounds like you're a little too close. She needs a painfully honest co-worker or neighbor to tell her that if they were invited to a weeding and then there was no time to even talk to the bride and groom afterwards, she'd be really ticked!

 

[Beth76]

I think you should really encourage her to elope. And do it NOW before plans (if you can even call them that) get made. You said, you don't want to stress her out, but by waiting you will only be stressing her out more. If she's a really good friend, you should be able to tell her. She obviously doesn't want a traditional wedding, so by encouraging her and supporting her to elope, she may be more willing to do that. I agree that the wedding can't go on the way that is stands right now. I think the best thing for you to do is to really try to convince her to elope since that is what she really wants.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

She sounds angry for not getting her "way" and is punishing her parents & friends for this.

Maybe you can convince her that she needs to go with her gut and elope? I don't know how, but maybe you can find a way.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

I may have missed something, but is your friend expecting/willing to accept wedding gifts from all of these people coming to her wedding? Becasue if she is, then she'd better accept the gift from her parents of a reception. A reception IS a gift from the parents, and the rehearsal dinner is a gift from the groom's parents. It would be incredibly rude to bring all of these people in from out of town, accept their gifts, and then send them on their way without even a glass of punch or cake.

Down here in the south, a lot of couples have very simple receptions that I am sure don't cost much. There is no dinner, and often no appetizers. They use the fellowship hall of the church they are using, and have cake and punch following the ceremony. No band, no music, just a piece of cake and an opportunity to offer your congrats to the happy couple. You can now have a wedding cake made at WalMart, which I am sure would serve the purpose and not cost much.


Or how about a barbecue at her parents house after they elope or after the ceremony? That would be a lot of fun, more on the informal way they seem to want. They could pay for the food themselves, which may not cost much if the wedding party is small.
I don't mean to be mean, but I think your friend is being unnecessarily stubborn. I dont' know how you could point this out to her in a nice way...


edited to add: If she is going to have this wedding as described, she should make a note on the invitation such as "no gifts, please."

 

[SC Minnie]

It sounds like she needs to grow up.

If they want to elope then do it. Stand up to everyone and say this is what we DID and that's that.

If she is going to have a wedding ceremony with attendents and all then they need to be grown up enough to accept the gift offered of a reception and rehearsal dinner. Neither has to be elaborate as others have stated but at least something.

 

[Disney Doll]

As a friend, I'd tell her she was being rude and inconsiderate to expect people to travel out of state to attend her wedding ceremoney and then not have some sort of reception for them, and expect some of them to wait around until she and her immediate family were done with dinner so that the bridal party could then treat her to an evening out.

Of course, with this new "independent woman" attitude that she has developed, you probably won't be her friend after you tell her this, but she sounds as if she is a spoiled, self-centered person, so why would you want to be?

 

[Jeafl]

I'm afraid I agree with everyone else. Someone needs to tell her that she can't have it both ways. You either have a wedding with a reception or you elope. If I received an invitation to a wedding like she wants I would take it as "bring us a gift and then be on your way". Whether that's how she thinks or not, that's how she is coming across.

Maybe you could show her this thread and WE could all be the bad guys!

 

[Mimi Q]

Encourage her to elope. I have never been to a wedding (and I have been to many!) where there wasn't at least a simple reception.

 

[Lachesis00]

I can't wait to hear an update on this. LOL I agree with what everyone has posted. I'd back out now.

 

[totalia]

Honestly, its her wedding not yours.

My family will be coming 2000 miles to my wedding and I will not be having a rehearsal dinner. It's a useless and rather foolish expense.

We will have plenty of dinners together when they are there. I will make sure of it. But a rehearsal dinner? I don't think so.