Need advice re family and Christmas....(LONG).

[HoneyPooh]

I could use some advice if anyone would like to give me their two cents Sorry, this may get a little tiny bit long......

Before my parents passed away myself, sister #2 and sister #3 spent Christmas eve with our respective in-laws and Christmas day with our families with a visit by all of us in the afternoon/evening to our parents.

My mother passed away 8 years ago but we kept the tradition with my dad with the exception that he would spend Christmas day with sister #2 and myself and sister #3 would visit him there.

My father suffered a severe stroke while visiting sister #4 in Texas four years ago so the tradition changed once again. Because we were not all together to see mom/dad anymore (dad passed away the following year) we needed a new system so that we got to see each other's families over the holiday. Sister #2 decided she would host an annual Christmas eve party for the whole family. She has the biggest house so we all agreed and also agreed that we would split the costs and work between us.

It worked out great. We got together the week before and went shopping for all the stuff and made up a menu to split up and a wonderful time was had by all (with the exception that sister #2 invited her in-laws but ours weren't invited).

The following Christmas sister #2 planned a ski vacation starting the day after Christmas and did not want to have to prepare her house for the Christmas eve party so asked me to host it. I agreed and the party was great except that sister #2 didn't show up with the main course until 10:00 p.m. because they made an overly long stop at a friends Christmas eve party on the way. In addition sister #2 and sister #3 each brought one food item and NOTHING else. Neither sister #2 nor sister #3 could find time the week before to get together like the year before. I footed the costs for all the drinks, other foods, deserts and paper goods. Hubby was not happy, especially since sister #2 and sister #3 let the nieces bring along friends who were NOT invited.

Last year sister #2 & sister #3 decided the party should be at my house again since I did "such a good job with it" and "shouldn't we all invite our in-laws too?" Silly me went along with it and it costs me a good $300 to throw that darned party! There were people there I had to be introduced to!

So this year I'm already worked up thinking about them getting me to throw the party again. I hate to say no because with both our parents gone, I really enjoy when we all get together but the cost is getting out of hand and they aren't volunteering to chip in any more. All the neices have boyfriends etc and one is now married, but nobody offers to chip in anything more than a few little things and I end up with all the getting ready, cooking, stressing and cleaning up on top of my normal Christmas stress!!!
How do I talk to my sisters about this without causing a rift? It's beginning to be too much for me to handle without more help from them, and it's beginning to out-grow my house! HELP!

 

[TIdoublegaER]

Be honest with your sisters. Tell them that you can no longer afford to foot the entire bill and your home isn't large enough to accomodate the growing family. Maybe you could reserve a room for a large group at a nearby restaurant and have everyone pay their own way. Or if someone else would host it at their house, have a pot luck dinner. If no one brings anything, well, I guess they don't get to eat because there won't be any food.
We do all of our family holidays this way on both sides. The person hosting provides the meat dish and everyone else brings 1 or more items for the meal. We usually make up a menu and assign different dishes to everyone, including soda, plates, ice, etc. It works out pretty well. Oh, somebody usually forgets something, but we always end up with enough food to go around.

 

[PamOKW]

Time for a family discussion. First, you decide what you are willing to do. Will you host the party if they provide financial and/or physical assistance? Do you want to cut down the guest list? etc., etc.

Then talk it over. The very simple opening is to say that the children are growing up and you'd like to discuss how Christmas should be handled. Actually, this is probably a good time because very soon these "children" will have in-laws and children of their own. It sounds like the original hostess was already overwhelmed by the hosting and passed it off to you. It's wonderful to have a family tradition so hopefully something can be worked out that everyone will enjoy. Maybe it shouldn't be a whole dinner but dessert and coffee.

 

[clutter]

...and be the one to start the dialog!!! Best defense is a good offense.

 

[Scratch42]

"Gone to Disney World!"

And then do it!

Scratch

 

[mom2boys]

Both DH & I are parentless. One of my brothers owns a towing business and can't get away. The other must spend every holiday at his in-laws if he wants to see his wife. My children are young & want to stay home.
I have both of my brothers over one day the week between Christmas & New Years. In the past we have had DH's family for Christmas breakfast. We didn't do that this year & were all content. The boys had a great day - just hanging around the house, playing with mom & dad.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hmmm I would tell them that you guys need to alternate houses.
I am the sister with the "big" house. I have put up a ton (thousands) of money over the years, uh, 12 and if I could go back in time I would tell them they need to alternate. It is not fair to the person hosting to foot the cost plus preparing for guests.
Don't get me wrong I enjoyed it for a long time. But over the last 2 yrs I started to resent it. I wasn't having "fun" anymore. Partly because I wasn't feeling well, it took too much out of me. I wanted to be the one to "show up". Last year I got my wish & it was wonderful!

Anyway if you rotate homes (no matter how small) or have it out every year it will be fine. The point is to get with a routine that works for everyone. Good Luck

PS We do just appetizers and dessert now!

 

[Jillpie]

I think its time for you to speak up. Before it even is brought up this year, YOU bring it up to sis #2 and ask if she can have it and if she brings up "oh, but your house was so much fun" thing, say yes, but you want to take turns doing it. No choices, its only fair. Don't be a doormat here. Sure she loved having it at your house, you had to do all the work. Also, what has worked for my 2 sisters and I is to have dinner with our immediate family (Dh and sons) at home first. Then, we go over each others houses (and we take turns each year), for dessert and coffee. We each bring something. It is SO much easier to just host a dessert and not dinner! Have you thought about that?

 

[HoneyPooh]

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice! Scratch42, DH & I have actually considered that one....only we thought about going to Vegas . DH loves having Christmas at home though so he wants to go before or after the holiday. I'm definitely going to have to have a talk with the sisters soon, I know I need to do it soon before the whole thing is brought up. I don't think they will want to go out so I guess their choices are take turns or I will be willing to host a desert and coffee party. My sisters are really great and I love them to death but it really is out of hand. The youngest "child" is now my 15 yo so the "kids" are not such kids anymore! I've been feeling like I'm carrying a lead weight around the more I think about the holiday this year for some reason .
Thanks DISers

 

[wdwnutze]

My husband is one of 9kids and they are all married and have children(age range from 28-4). We used to meet at m-i-l on xmas eve but as the kids got older, it got more difficult. We decided to have a get together on the Sunday before Christmas. We rotate houses(need one big enough to fit everyone) and everyone brings something. Whoever is hosting the party does the main dish and papergoods. Everyone else is responsible for the rest of the food. Meeting before the actual holiday has really taken a lot of the stress off preparing for the party. The holiday is stressful enough. I would talk with your sisters soon and set up some guidelines. Be open and honest with them and let them know that the cost and preparation is too much for 1 person. Good luck.

 

[believe]

Out of 5 siblings, 3 of us rotate. It is up to the hostess to decide the date (Christmas Eve or Christmas Day), as well as what each individual will bring. We now rotate who does the Christmas shopping for the 13 kids of the family...we each pitch in so the kids can get bigger gifts, but only one person does the shopping and wrapping. What a load off my shoulders that is!!!!!!!!

I do host Thanksgiving every year, by choice. I find that I have a lot of individuals who have no where to go so I want to host in order for in-laws and friends to attend. I foot the entire bill for this one.