Need advice on unmotivated college student.

[disneysnowflake]

I don't think you sound stupid at all Frustrated and confused and at your wit's end YES (you must be a parentwe all have those days), stupid HECK NO

You are smart--you are going to figure out a solution, you are learning from your mistsakes (co signing the loan) and you are going to get on the same page as your husband and present a unified front. All smart parenting to me

Thank you.

 

[EthansMom]

I'd give DS notice that he has X amount of time to clean up his act. Set down a clear timeline, expectations, and consequences and be willing to follow through.

At a minimum, I'd stop paying now for all extras (cell phone, cable, food, etc...). If he's only taking one class, he's got plenty of time to get a job to pay his way.

I'd also be calling the leasing company to see what the penalty would be if I needed to get out of the lease early. 'Cause there's no way I'd want to be paying for that apartment if DS isn't taking a full load next year.

When our kids are college age, our financial support is going to be dependent upon (1) taking a full load and (2) getting no lower than a B- average.

 

[blissventure]

I am going to call the apartment company and find out. I'm not sure where DS will live though. I don't think his moving back here is going to work out. This really stinks.

Sending you a hug.
Dealing with an adult child who is currently having difficulties isn't easy.

 

[C.Ann]

I wouldn't pay for anything. If he wants to stay in school, then he needs to take the initiative to get a job, get student loans etc.

As for the apartment, I would sublet it. At least then you won't be out the money on that until your lease is up. There is always someone looking for an apartment. Even if you lose a little money by maybe charging less rent than what you are paying, at least you won't be throwing it away at DS.

DS needs tough love quick. It won't get any better on its own. Trust me!

And if you can't sublet the apartment or break the lease, I would find a room mate for him..

All money cut off.. He's being "particular" about his job search, so that right there screams, "Mom will pay for everything and I get to sit back and enjoy the free ride.."

Time for tough love.. He's not a baby anymore..

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

That's what I thought. When DS moved out in August, he couldn't wait to "get away from us". He's only been away one Saturday night, and that's the night he moved into his apartment.

Since he's 20, I doubt I can force him to go to the doctor, or even speak with the doctor without DS's okay. I'm pretty sure he just stays up all night chatting online and playing PS3, but I can't be sure since I don't live there with him.

You cannot make him do things.

But you do not have to provide for him either.

The ol' my house/my money /my rules thing applies. (and since he needed mom and dad for his apartment, he may be living at a separate address--but it ain't his house!)

If he doesn't want to do things your way b/c he is a grown man, that's fine.

He doesn't have to do it at your expense.

 

[Huggles]

Would you an DH be strong enough to refuse him the option of returning home every weekend? He seems to have his nice 'holiday home' away from you where he can do what he wants and have everything paid for him and yet he then comes home and has all his home comforts too ( and no doubt brings his laundry with him).

Perhaps he needs to be told that home leave is only allowed when he has decent results and is making an effort in class. Some give and take has to be laid down.

Is it ok at his college that he can drop every class but one? Does his tutor/ advisor not get involved at some stage or are they all just happy taking the fees?

 

[fall08CP]

Send him for a semester at the Disney College Program- he'll get his act together real quick!

I am currently in college and my parents told me upfront that they would only contribute a certain dollar figure towards my school. The state I'm from does not do anything to help with school costs, so I went out of state. The school is super expensive so my parents are paying about 50% of tuition, and I pick up rent, groceries, and books. Am I in debt? Yep. However, I work my butt off because I do not want to have to retake classes- too expensive! I've also had to work all 4 four years to have money for food and rent.

They also don't let me come home on the weekends, and although it was tough at first, I've become very independent quickly. I was an RA for a year and the students that went home every weekend were the ones that moved out after first semester. They don't have the opportunity to make friends when they're disconnected. Even though they may say "nothing goes on during the weekends", that's not true because everyone is bored so they make their own creative fun He should be able to RA next year if he really needs a job!

I know that you want to provide for your kid, but I think college is a huge part of growing up and becoming independent. While I love my parents, I could never live at home again!

 

[Praying Colonel]

I am going to call the apartment company and find out. I'm not sure where DS will live though. I don't think his moving back here is going to work out. This really stinks.

We have friends who paid for 100% of their son's college tuition and books, set him up in an off-campus apartment and bought his food and gas for his vehicle.

After he flunked out with 2 Ds and 3 Fs , they walked him to the recruiter's office and he joined the Army. Best thing they could've done for him. He came out of his enlistment a Sergeant with plans for a career--he's now in college and he's killing it, because he's ready now whereas he wasn't before.

 

[landshark]

For what it's worth, my best friend is like this. Long story short, one day she up and quit school and is now a soon-to-be 27 year old who lives at home and spends all of her time on the computer and watching DVDs. Her parents pretty much pay for everything.

I've talked to her for years trying to convince her that she can do things and repeatedly offered help, but its all been pointless. She hasn't bothered looking for another job (after a paperwork mistake cost her a job transfer) because nothing appeals to her enough to bother. Maybe she's not cut out for college, I don't really know. She has had depression issues, but that's been an issue for years.

I'm not a mother, but it might be worth it to just quit paying for things altogether. If he really wants to do a full class load, it can be on his own dime. If he absolutely can't move back in for whatever reason, tell him he can't (or maybe he can on a limited basis if he's proving he's job hunting). It's possible it really is hard to get a job in this economy in a college town, but many places will be hiring extra help for the holidays--it'd be better than nothing. Find out what hobbies he enjoys--maybe one of those could be turned into a career he'd actually be willing to shoot for.

 

[rwdavis2]

Cut off the money supply. Stop paying for his apartment etc.

Agreed. He's an adult at this point and you have no obligation to prop up bad habits. A cousin had this problem with his son and he's 24 is still whining that he can't afford all these hot rod modifications to his car because he now has to pay rent.
BD

 

[It'sWDW4me]

I know that we are not geared to think this way but some kids are not college material. That says NOTHING about their intelligence. Some people just aren't cut out for college, period. They don't like it, they don't do well, they aren't wired that way.

Fortunately, you have a son and there are many trades out there that males can go to when they don't *fit* with college. I would give him another semester to clean up his act and get moving (barring any other issues) and then tell him he's out to move onto something else.

I totally agree with most of this.

Another semester at college may just sink his spirits even lower if he's not cut out for it. Maybe he could start up at a trade school in January?

I'd first have a chat with DH to make sure you're both on the same page with what you're willing to still do for your DS. Maybe another semester at college to try to get back into it; maybe starting off at a trade school to get started in another direction; or maybe he needs to learn how tough life can be with no money and no job!

My DS is in 7th grade and hates, hates, hates school. That may change over the next 5 years but I'm soooo not holding my breath. I've decided that I'll help him with either college or trade school after HS. But if he wants to experience "real" life instead he most certainly may get himself a job and move on out! Should the realization dawn on him that "real life" isn't the nonstop party that he's imagined , then we'll discuss college and/or trade school at that time.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You have set yourself up between a rock and hard place.

I would sit with your dh and come up with a strategy that both of you will agree to putting forth to your son and stick to it.

Do some homework of your own first.

 

[disneysnowflake]

I just wanted to tell you what my sister told me when I explained my situation to her.

My sister said I am expecting too much from my son since he's only 20. 20 is too young to be expected to know what to do in life for almost all people. He may be one of those people who needs a long time to get on his own. It's my job as a parent to support him until he finds his way.

I asked what she meant by that, and she told me I should help him until he's at least 25 because that's what parents should do. She said in some states the court will make parents pay child support until age 24.

Now, am I crazy to think that is absurd advice?

I also found out that he still has ALL of his textbooks we purchased since he started college. He never resold them. I think he should resell them and use the money towards the books for the upcoming semester, even though he won't get much for them. Sister says that the money from the books is his because it's his school, even though we paid for them. DS should be able to use that money for whatever he wants. Anyway, it's "all about money" for us. Sigh. That isn't true.

Life is so stressful sometimes.

 

[Tink888]

Have you sat down and talked with your son? He could be depressed, a slacker or maybe just needs a break from college. It happens. If he doesn't want to be there, let him drop out. Let him come home and get a job. It doesn't mean he'll never go back and once he's out in the "real world" and sees how things are, it might motivate him to return to school and do better.

Or what about a school closer to home that he can commute to? Or classes at a community college for awhile.

Whatever the reason I wouldn't continue to spend all that money and I can totally understand how frustrated you must be. Just seems like you really need to have a heart to heart with him to figure out what's going on. And if it is truly just a lack of motivation, sometimes the best thing we can do for our kids is to cut off the money supply.

 

[EthansMom]

I just wanted to tell you what my sister told me when I explained my situation to her.

My sister said I am expecting too much from my son since he's only 20. 20 is too young to be expected to know what to do in life for almost all people. He may be one of those people who needs a long time to get on his own. It's my job as a parent to support him until he finds his way.

I asked what she meant by that, and she told me I should help him until he's at least 25 because that's what parents should do. She said in some states the court will make parents pay child support until age 24.

Now, am I crazy to think that is absurd advice?

I also found out that he still has ALL of his textbooks we purchased since he started college. He never resold them. I think he should resell them and use the money towards the books for the upcoming semester, even though he won't get much for them. Sister says that the money from the books is his because it's his school, even though we paid for them. DS should be able to use that money for whatever he wants. Anyway, it's "all about money" for us. Sigh. That isn't true.

Life is so stressful sometimes.

I wouldn't discuss this anymore with your sister. It's obvious you and she have totally different opinions on child rearing.

On the one hand, your son is (legally) an adult. On the other hand, he's still young and immature enough to need a guiding hand.

In your shoes, I'd tell him that he'd better start looking for a job and/or get back to school full-time because you'll be getting out of the lease on X date if he doesn't get a job and/or go back to school. I'd also stop paying for ALL extras immediately.

If DS can't figure out how to pay his bills, offer to drive him to talk to the local military recruiters' offices.

 

[disykat]

Wow - your sister is WRONG!

My older brother did the flunk out of school thing. Even after my parents cut him off he continued. I think they paid for freshman year and one term of sophmore year so he was on his own financially -and told just moving home wasn't an option - at 19. He worked, but kept throwing money away on classes he flunked, for several years. He is a SMART guy (#4 in his high school class of 600) yet still he did this. He held lots of different jobs but always managed to support himself.

The only financial help my parents gave my brother was paying his health insurance. He stayed on their plan as long as possible and then they funded his own plan for a few years. They also helped him later with a business venture, but he had to come with a suitable business plan etc. before they did so. He had proven his work ethic by supporting himself.

My brother may have been a "failure" at college, but he was a success at supporting himself through a difficult time and making his own way. If my parents had continued supporting him he wouldn't have had that success to build on. He does quite well now and is living his dream owning his own business.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I just wanted to tell you what my sister told me when I explained my situation to her.

My sister said I am expecting too much from my son since he's only 20. 20 is too young to be expected to know what to do in life for almost all people. He may be one of those people who needs a long time to get on his own. It's my job as a parent to support him until he finds his way.

I asked what she meant by that, and she told me I should help him until he's at least 25 because that's what parents should do. She said in some states the court will make parents pay child support until age 24.

Now, am I crazy to think that is absurd advice?

I also found out that he still has ALL of his textbooks we purchased since he started college. He never resold them. I think he should resell them and use the money towards the books for the upcoming semester, even though he won't get much for them. Sister says that the money from the books is his because it's his school, even though we paid for them. DS should be able to use that money for whatever he wants. Anyway, it's "all about money" for us. Sigh. That isn't true.

Life is so stressful sometimes.

I think your sister is 100% wrong. I agree with the PP that you need to quit talking to her. What she is encouraging you to do for your son (let him have a free ride with no responsibility for years) will not do him any favours in the long run.

I am just one person, but by 23 both DH and I had completed college (our parents did pay for it fully--but we held up our ends of the bargain by always going to class and getting good grades and being out in 4 years--I took 21 credit semesters to do a 5 year program in 4 years). By 35 we were married, had one kids and another on the way and had bought and sold one house and boguht a second. Plenty of "normal" people manage to get on with their lives at your son's age (even if they change directions later).

 

[Huggles]

I just re-read the post about your sister suggesting he be supported until he was 25. What on earth?

I graduated from University when I was 19 going on 20 and was in a full time ( not very well paid) job 150 miles away from home a month or two later. I got help moving my stuff up there but thereafter I was on my own. I could go home when I wanted but it meant a long train journey and it was good that I didn't as I made lots of friends in my new location. I paid my own bills and my own rent ( and my own travel when I went home).

Tough love is what is needed. Stop paying for his food and transportation but keep paying his rent. If there is no improvement then remove some other financial payment until it hits home that there is no such thing as a free ride in this world!

 

[It'sWDW4me]

I just wanted to tell you what my sister told me when I explained my situation to her.

My sister said I am expecting too much from my son since he's only 20. 20 is too young to be expected to know what to do in life for almost all people. He may be one of those people who needs a long time to get on his own. It's my job as a parent to support him until he finds his way.

With this, I agree. I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up until I was 33! And yes, a parent should morally and emotionally support their children forever.

I asked what she meant by that, and she told me I should help him until he's at least 25 because that's what parents should do. She said in some states the court will make parents pay child support until age 24.

Now, am I crazy to think that is absurd advice?

Ummmm, pay child support until the age of 24? Maybe if the parents are divorced and the "child" is enrolled in school full-time. Or maybe if the child is severely handicapped. But to financially support a fully capable young man? Oh, I so don't think so! Sheesh - I wish your sister would have had a talk with my mother when she made me start paying rent to live at home after I dropped out of college!

I also found out that he still has ALL of his textbooks we purchased since he started college. He never resold them. I think he should resell them and use the money towards the books for the upcoming semester, even though he won't get much for them. Sister says that the money from the books is his because it's his school, even though we paid for them. DS should be able to use that money for whatever he wants. Anyway, it's "all about money" for us. Sigh. That isn't true.

Life is so stressful sometimes.

Unless your son needs a book for another class (I had the same book for calculus I, II, & III), yes, he should definitely sell them off at the end of every semester and apply that money towards next semester's books. Every little bit helps! Does he buy used books or does he insist on new? Used books, while not always an option, save a lot too. No, the money you shelled out for books isn't "his" to do with as he pleases - that's school money, not an allowance.

Does dear sis have any kids in college?

 

[Longsx3]

My suggestion: Listen to the complete strangers on the DIS not your sister, because I find her advice just plain silly.

My advice if you have not given your son any warning to get his act together or you will be withdrawing all support do so immediately. I would give him one more semester, tell him you want his school account info so that you can monitor his schooling, he lost your trust by withdrawing from classes without discussing it with you. Set firm ground rules for the upcoming semester, he needs to sell his old books to pay for his new ones, he must find a job and he must receive a C or better, in or it would be a B...and no weekend trips home. Put him on a very short leash, I get he is 20 an adult but by taking your money for support he is not acting like an adult. Depending on how things go i would consider having him move back on campus next year and making him contribute to more of his education.

BTW I thought I should add my advice comes from a Mom with a DD (13) that we will fully finance through college...until she stops giving it 100% then we withdraw funding.