Need advice for DS and roommate issues

[KarenB]

My oldest DS is a college freshman at a university about 1 1/2 hours away. Last week was his first week of classes. He came home for Labor Day weekend. He said he is enjoying everything about college life, especially his classes, and he has met some people he enjoys hanging out with.

He is having trouble with his roommate and I am not sure what kind of advice to give him. His roommate did not bring a computer to school, and is constantly asking DS for his password and wanting to get on his. This is a new laptop he just got and DS really does not want anyone else using it. His roommate is also taking his food without asking him. He also mentioned a few other issues I was surprised about.

I told DS he just needs to come right out and tell him no to the computer and just ask before taking his food. DS is pretty quiet and he hates the thought of confrontations. I told him that this is part of being an adult, you need to confront people about issues that are effecting you personally. DS said he doesn't want to sound like a jerk and that he has to live with this guy for the next year.

I feel for him and I am trying to be adult about this, not letting my "mother feelings" get in the way. Besides advising DS to simply speak up about his feeling on what the roommate does, is there anything else I can suggest?

Ugh-thanks!
Karen

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Stand up for your stuff now. It will only get worse. Not all roommates end up best friends. It is hard being the Mom sometimes but your son will do fine. He needs to set some rules. Maybe order a pizza and tell roomie that we need to go over the rules of living together so we have a good year.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

nope that is pretty much it.

Learn how to say no. It is ok to say no.

We all hate the thought of confrontations, but you have to learn how to set boundaries - especially when you are two people crammed into a tiny space.

 

[disykat]

I think you gave the absolutely right advice. Either this guy is just a poorly behaved mooch or he is VERY clueless about how to behave appropriately with a roommate. Your son would not be making enemies he would be doing him a FAVOR setting him straight.

I was single until I was 29 and had a total of 13 roommates/housemates if you include the sister I shared a room with growing up. I really only had one who was clueless, but she had never shared anything growing up and just assumed since the world revolved around her that anything in HER room was hers. I had to explain a few things to her and I like to think it helped her in the long run. We weren't best friends, but we weren't enemies.

First and foremost your son needs to protect his password by all means! Your son needs to talk to him. If talking doesn't set him straight, then anything that comes up missing would be considered stolen and the problem should be reported to the dorm resident assistant.

 

[NancyK]

Is he staying in the university dorm? I know that here the university has an older student living on each floor who can give the 1st years advice on how to handle these type of problems.

 

[kathie859]

Please impress on your DS how inappropriate it is to give his password to his roommate--a virtual stranger. The roomie could absolutely create havoc for your son if he chose to (Inappropriate emails send under son's name for instance!)

Maybe you could help DS by securing a small chest that he could lock? I hate confrontation, too, and that might send a quiet message that he's not into sharing his stuff.

At any rate, a college career doesn't hinge on one year with a dud of a roommate. DS will be fine.

 

[Crazoo]

Sorry to hear that... roommates can be great or horrible nightmare stories.

Once school work picks up he can just tell him he's busy and needs to use it.

 

[KarenB]

Thanks for the replies so far. We are going to talk some more about it before he heads back Monday evening. I will suggest the things mentioned here. I think the idea of getting a pizza together may be a good idea, talking out of the room in another atmosphere may make it easier.

Thanks again,
Karen

 

[megan4777]

I just had flashbacks to college years and the junk I had to put up with.

I also didn't do well with confrontations but he should talk to his roommate to let him know that he's not comfortable with what's going on.

They should also have a talk about whether they'll keep their dorm door locked all the time or not, if they haven't. That sounds like a common sense thing but I had a wonderful roommate that would visit with friends down the hall and leave the door unlocked while I was at class.
She didn't have anything of value in the room, and started leaving the door unlocked after we had a talk about taking my stuff without asking and not taking her turn emptying the garbage...

I hope he has a great year and he and his roommate straighten everything out! Good luck!

 

[KarenB]

I kind of played "tough love" when we talked this morning. I told DS if he doesn't say anything to his roommate, then he made the choice to live with the actions the roommate is doing and will have to deal with it. I am thinking the roommate is just clueless.

I really hope it works out.

Karen

 

[EthansMom]

DS needs to speak up for himself. His roommate really needs to be told he should get his own computer... in this tech-heavy age a computer is a necessity for writing papers and doing assignments.

If DS continues to have problems after talking to the roommate, he can request a reassignment to another room. It isn't a terrible thing to admit that living with this particular stranger is not going to work out.

 

[monarchsfan16]

I'm a college junior, and could write a book based on the problems I've had with my roommates
I've learned from experience, that if you give in to one thing, the roommate walks all over you. Borrowing something quickly becomes using it constantly, and "yes your boyfriend can visit for the afternoon" quickly becomes being woken up at 8 am because roommate and boy are doing not so Disney messageboard friendly things in the top bunk while you're trying to sleep in the bottom bunk (I passed out early the night before thinking he was going home or staying elsewhere. Apparently not ). I'm quiet too, and don't like confrontations, but I'm learning that I have to say no. Tell your son to point the roommate in the direction of the library or nearest computer cluster when the roommate wants the computer password, and the nearest vending machine when he wants his food. I've learned it helps to keep food that I'm trying to save for myself, in my closet, but to leave something to share out. When my mom sends brownies, those stay on top of the microwave, because there are plenty to share. Same with the wholesale sized box of popcorn bags. My breakfast on the run stash, juiceboxes, and other random treats stay in the closet however. Bags of chocolate generally take up residence in my desk drawer. Learn the best hiding spots in the room, and fast. With the computer, well, my roommate could never possibly get on mine; I'm on it all the time. "I have work to do", even if you don't, is a valid excuse

If your son needs help in talking to his roommate, tell him to go see his RA. They'll have advice, and may even be willing to help facilitate the discussion.

 

[friend of pooh]

There should be an RA on the floor that your son can ask for advice.

Best thing for you to do is to continue the tough love. He needs to speak up. If he doesn't it will get worse. He can blame you for the password thing if need be "sorry, my mom checks this and would kill me if she found out I let someone else use it". Food can be locked in a trunk or filing cabinet.

I had an awful first roommate. But I do have to credit her with me learning to stand up for myself.

 

[MushyMushy]

I think you did great! Does he have a locking closet in his room? I'd recommend he put his laptop and any other valuables in there when he's not in the room. It might be a smart thing to do if the roommate doesn't seem to respect boundaries very well.

 

[Pigeon]

I wouldn't give advice or get involved. Let the roomies handle it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, a verbal confrontation will not likely solve anything....
It will likely become an ongoing conversation with begging and whining and anger by the roommate.
This is the kind of thing that needs settled very matter of factly and non-negotiably.

Your son needs to take steps to secure his belongings. If he is not already doing this, I would purchase him one or more large chests that can be securely locked. And, he should then keep everything except for the least valuable everyday items IN these chests. His laptop, his food, etc.....

(of course if your son has food that he is comfortable sharing, then it can be left out in the open.)

I assume that you are footing most of the bill here.
If so, this gives you a lot of say-so.
Let your son know that you will not be buying food, clothes, computers, etc.. for the entire dorm. Remind him how often items just 'go missing'. I would tell him point blank that I wanted him to understand that he needs to keep his belongings secured as much as possible. Another poster has mentioned the risks of letting others use his computer. There should be computers available somewhere on campus.

You are correct in telling him that this is an important lesson that he needs to learn as an adult. He NEEDS to learn how to protect his belongings and his personal boundaries.

I hope it all works out for him!!!

 

[belle&beast]

Tell him to nip it now!!!! I had a very nice first roommate, but she also had a very nice boyfriend who would come and stay past visiting hours (am I dating myself? ) soon he was spending the night and once they even did "it" while I tried to sleep in the top bunk! That was the straw that broke the camel's back and ruined our friendship. Don't let it get that far and hopefully everything will work out.

 

[Carys]

Karen, I agree that he needs to nip it in the bud. They're room mates, not friends. When he says that the room mate is taking without asking, it's a polite way of saying the room mate is stealing whether or not the room mate thinks of it in those terms - he's not hosting a friend, he's not sharing with a sibling, he's not a soup kitchen for the homeless. He doesn't have to make war or make nice with the room mate, but part of growing up is learning to politely set boundaries. Telling a thief to quit stealing isn't a negotiation - it may be just food now, but as the room mate gets more comfortable or bolder it could likely go on to bigger things. It sounds as though you've already steered your son in the right direction, so good luck and I hope it is sorted out quickly!

 

[nsyncraider17]

Does his school have anything like a contract for roommates to agree on? When I lived in the dorms, one or two weeks into the year the Resident Adviser would pass out roommate agreements. There were several categories, like whether food would be separate or shared, whether music or tv could be on when one person was studying, whether overnight guests were allowed, etc. We were supposed to sit down with our roommate and make rules that we would both follow. If we wanted, we could have the RA help us and kind of act as a mediator or make suggestions. We had to sign it and turn it back in to the RA, and then if one person violated the agreement, the other could go to the RA for help.

If your DS's school doesn't do this for everyone, maybe he could talk to his RA about the problems and ask if he could help them make an agreement? Either way, your DS definitely needs to stand up for himself and set some roommate boundaries.

 

[christineann]

KarenB, please talk to your son about going to the RA. My son was an RA his sophomore year, and he "mediated" several very similar issues between roommates, most often with good results. The RA's are trained to deal with these problems and often resolve them with good communication and guidance. Good luck to your son!