Need Advice, 2 yr old and anger

[Chereya]

My son is turning 2 in 2 weeks. My DH and I are having a hard time figuring out how we want to guide him in dealing with anger. I thought I'd come here and ask for some different ideas.

When my son gets mad or frustrated (mostly about being told No) he likes to kick or hit or throw things to demonstrate his anger. Usually he'll do them in succession. If he kicks, we tell him that kicking is not ok. Then he'll hit and we tell him hitting is not ok. He will be contrite and apologize once he gets it out of his system - he'll come over and give us a hug with a contrite looking face when we ask him to say that he's sorry.

I can tell he's looking for something to do that expresses his anger that is Ok with us. I feel bad sometimes because I know he's frustrated at being told No and then when he needs to express anger he gets told No again.

So what works for your family? How do your young children express their anger? What is an Ok way for them to be mad and get it out of their system instead of being taught to hold it in?

DH and I have different parenting styles and I don't like to use unexplained "No" too often - mostly for dangerous situations. I have more patience with my son and also way less tantrums to deal with. DH uses "No" a lot more and has more tantrums to deal with as a result. I try to step in and referee if the two of them are just escalating the situation further but I don't have a great personal history of dealing with anger.

My mom was a big believer of time outs. Instead of being mouthy to my mom, I had to go hang out in the bathroom until I was ready to come out and be civil. I used to raise heck in there - I kicked the toilet and threw things around. I can laught about it now, one time I was "working through" my anger on my bottom bunk and managed to kick the top bunk mattress off the rails and it sandwiched me. As an adult though, I didn't know how to deal with angry confrontations or fights. Instead of being able to work things out, I would run away from situations becuse I didn't know what to do. My experience of dealing with anger is that you hide yourself away from polite society until you're ready to come out.

Anyway, I could use some helpful ideas.

Chereya

 

[debm]

I had a very good friend that I felt was an excellent parent. She told me that at that age (1-3ish) she would tell her kids they could hit something like the sofa or floor. IF they started hitting her in anger she would redirect their attention to hitting the sofa, if it was nearby, or the floor. Or if it was mild hitting she would say, "You can give me Five." I have to say it really worked with my oldest. My next couple were not hitters. My youngest, I have started saying that to him. I think it is OK to be angry. Sometimes we need to do something with your anger. Much better to do so safely. I'm not saying it is OK to hit the wall or the window, etc. But to teach them how to punch the sofa or their pillow, etc. It does eventually diminish. My friend would also tell her kids that if they wanted to say "those words" that they needed to go in the bathroom. That's where "toilet words" belonged. Then if they want to hear themselves saying, *&%$ %*$&^ they can do it and get it out of their system. I think you are doing a good job thinking about this. I also really liked the book, How to Talk so Kids Can Listen, and Listen So Kids Can Talk." Good luck!

 

[zzammmi]

My son also went through a period of hitting and tantrums when angry.
Here are some of the things I did and still do (although hitting stopped very quickly and tantrums stopped a bit later.) He'll still squirm or flop his feet a bit on the floor or sofa ocassionally but he's quite redirectable; he's 4 now and still needs our help to manage intense feelings of frustration sometimes but he's doing well with it. All children get angry (which is fine and normal) and we help them to learn appropriate ways to express it.
1. I try not to say no as much as possible. If he wants a second treat for example, I say, "You can have another one tomorrow." Instead of saying no. Obviously you have to say no sometimes but this cuts down on it a lot. The point is to try to phrase things in terms of what he can do.
2. At 2 years old, distraction is your best friend!
3. When he hit, I said, "We don't hit (kick, throw things, etc.). We use our words." Then I encourage him to state his anger. I also talk to him about how hard it is not to get what we want so he knows I understand why he's upset and that I've been there too and we can handle it. I would remind him that we never get what we want by hitting or throwing tantrums. It always helps when we feel someone understands our feelings (even if we can't get what we want.)
4. Around this time I also started using time out. I'd put him in his little soft chair and tell him it's time out (and I had to hold him there at first; I'd put my hand on the chair's surface between his legs so he couldn't slide out and I'd lean to the side without making eye contact or speaking to him for about 20-30 seconds.) I've since learned that time out is not recommended before age 3 but my guy was around 2 and a half or 2 and three quarters and he seemed to understand. Admittedly, I only used this for serious offenses like hitting or one time when he let go of my hand in the parking lot in front of my house. I believe the reasoning behind waiting until 3 has to do with the child's ability to understand what he did wrong and that there are consequences for bad behavior; my guy was at that stage but you must objectively decide if yours is or it probably won't work. And don't go over 30-60 seconds; it's not necessary and excessive. Do this with neutral tone of voice and manner, not with anger. And when it's over, all is well again and I set the tone for starting with a fresh slate.
5. More often when he was just flailing around in a tantrum (and no agression was involved) I would say something like, "That's not how we act," and I'd walk away or ignore it. It always stopped shortly after his audience left. Of course you should be sneaky about it and stay nearby and listen for safety reasons and when he calmed I'd quickly return. If the tantrum continues for a while after you leave, it's likely because he's so upset he needs your help calming down so go back and encourage him to come to you to talk about it. Just be careful to make the distinction between normal tantrums (designed to get what he wants) and really upset feelings that he can't manage without more direct intervention.

This strategy worked so well that after 2 days I could see him actively trying to resist hitting (I could see the wheels turning so to speak). Good luck! It does get better.

 

[zzammmi]

I just looked more closely at your original post and realized your son is not quite 2 yet. You should hold off on time outs for now and instead focus on encouraging him to use his words (and help him with suggestions then praise him for using words), ignoring and/or walking away from tantrums, telling him (and proving to him that) he will never get what he wants for hitting or tantrums, telling him, "We don't hit", never hitting back (this will send a message that strength wins and that hitting is ok), gently restrain him briefly if necessary, but even better to stay out of arm's (or leg's) reach and encourage him to use his words. Wait until he's closer to 3 before time out because they just don't make the connection before then. Take care of yourself and switch off with husband if you find yourself getting angry or overwhelmed.

 

[tracilicious]

We've gone through that with my two year old. He loves reactions and would hit because he knew I would react. We tried time out, but that backfired. I've since learned that time outs aren't meant to be used as punishment. If we do a time out now, we take a break together. We have a hug, we talk about the incident and how to act next time. It may sound like a reward for bad behavior, but it has really, really worked.

What I learned was that the more frustrated and short tempered I was, the worse his behavior was. I did a lot of research on positive and non-punitive discipline which really helped. www.positivediscipline.com is a really great site. I printed out a bunch of articles and made my dh read them too. Since we started applying these principles (we never punished before, aside from the failed time outs, but we were very short tempered) our lives have been better and ds's behavior has been better.

He still occasionally hits. I just look him in the eye and tell him it's not ok to hit, to tell me he's mad instead and it's been working. We don't encourage him to hit other things, that seemed to make things worse. Instead we provide a lot of physical stimulation through play and encourage him to talk through feelings.

 

[3littleHalls]

I have a 3yr old DS that went through that stage. Much of what he is showing you is his frustration and independence. We do timeouts, and loose our treats for good behavior, and I work on what I say no to. Pick your battles, No means no, and give him choices. " Would you like to go to bed now or in 10 mins?" (and set the timer) Keeping to a schedule like eating same time, nap same time, etc really helps plus plan for play time. We really like watching SuperNanny(Jo Jo) she is fantastic for ideas. Good luck!

 

[HappyLawyer]

well i would say sit him down, get his little butt and let him know you will not tolerate that-this was before i was a parent, now as a parent i would say hmmm, let's think about how to deal with that, i know my dtr has anger issues but she is 9 and i an taking her to a behavior specialist, since your child is so young, you might want to pop over to the disabilities board and ask there, i think there might be some parents that are more experienced in dealing with certain topics because they have been through them. Good luck

 

[Mom to Jordan]

You are getting lots of good advice and I hope something in there helps. To be honest he sounds like a pretty normal 2 year old and it is flustration and not true anger you are dealing with. As a preschool director I work with twos and just wanted to add a few more points.

Be sure that you are not using any form of physical discipline. It sends a mixed message if he gets a spanking for hitting.
Get mom and dad on the same page. If mom lets him jump on the couch and dad does not, it is totaly confussing to a toddler!
Establish a few necessary rules that you agree on the then enforce them always!!
Only say no if you are willing and able to ennfore it.
Think about whether it really matters before you say no.
Establish a family routine so that he can start to learn what to expect at certain times of the day.
Be sure he is stimulated and not board. Is he outgrowing his baby toys and needs more toys that let him express his creativity and excert some energy. Ride on toys and blocks!!
Time outs do not really work well with 2's. If he starts to hit or kick, hold him tight and say, we hug and love people, not hit them!! If he still hits, redirect you attention from him. Besure he is safe and turn your back away from him for a few minutes.
It's ok to explain quickly one time the "why" of the behavior, most of the time twos just do not get a lot of that. It is so much better to tell him what you want rather than try to explain why he should not do something.
I decided after a few years of parenting that there is nothing wrong with "because mommy said so". Most of the time they really do not want an reason they just want to do what ever it is they want to do.
Last... Do not over react. Many little boys hit their parents at one time or another. I am the only one DS EVER hit or bit!
As his words increase, the hitting will decrease!!!

Good luck and enjoy your son.

Jordans' mom

 

[zzammmi]

And another thing, make sure to praise him when he does handle frustration appropriatly. Say something like, "I like the way you used your words and didn't hit," or "You're really behaving nicely by not kicking and crying when you (fill in the frustrating thing), Mommy is so proud of you." and give a hug. Also, my husband and I frequently tell each other of son's good behavior when he can hear. For example, "Today Billy didn't have any tantrums, Daddy, what do you think of that?" To which Daddy replies with lavish praise, etc.