NBR-vent

[la79al]

We've been doing some talking here. It turns out that the person I was thinking about using for childcare when I go back to work would end up being more than a regular daycare. I understand that there are advantages to having one person watching your child as opposed to a daycare. She was going to allow us to continue cloth diapering. At the same time though, I know she did not intend to stay home with DD all day (it would only be about 4 hours actually) and she has a DD of her own, 3 months younger than our DD. Anyhow, when I found this out, I called DH panicking. We talked a bit and ran through various scenerios. Basically at this point, he is in job limbo and we are going to sit back and wait to see what happens with that. If I decide to pick up a few hours at work, my aunt will watch all 3 kids and charge us next to nothing. I am still hoping to find a child to watch this summer, someone close to DSDs age so she has a playmate. My immediate goal is to assume that I will be returning to work in the fall, when the money runs out, as per the original agreement and focus on finding childcare for DD. We are going on vacation next week and I will be talking to DH about the upcoming holiday, the birthdays and the possibility of starting some kind of allowance for the kids to earn spending money for the summer. Until DH knows where he stands with his job, we are taking one day at a time.

 

[cseca]

First off- being an "almost" SAHM is not the same as being a SAHM. I mean no offense by that- I've worked, and now I'm a SAHM and I'm just saying it's not the same nor can you know what it's like until you are ACTUALLY a SAHM instead of "almost".

The reason why I said almost is because I am currently not working AND pregnant at the same time... So I'm almost a mom... not almost a stay at home... Hope that makes sense (I know I didn't explain it well).

Secondly- I'm unclear of what you're talking about on splitting the finances- the point is that doesn't work, can't work, if you aren't bringing in any income. It just won't. How would you continue to pay for vacations, medical, extra savings, food and fun if you aren't bringing in an income, which apparently you are at the present time? You could use savings- but it runs out eventually. Here's where I think the real problem lies- it's twofold. One it was intended for her to use money she had put aside to pay off some of the bills while staying at home and now it's running out BUT I think another part of the problem is that she's expected to pay some things that just don't seem fair to most- especially SAHM's. Okay sure- if it was agreed she'd continue to pay her bills/debts she brought into the relationship then she should. And if she can't- well there's only 2 things that can happen- either she goes back to work to be able to pay for those things OR things change- the agreement changes (for whatever reasons- the biggest of which being the primary one to take care of their child plus the stepchildren instead of putting them into daycare). that's all there is to that- one of those two things have to happen.

I understand what you mean by it won't work if you don't make any $. What I'm saying is that OP and Hubby had made a pact in the beginning on their finances. At that time their plan seems to work fine. Now the plan needs to be revamped. She had $ in the beginning to cover whatever they agreed on, now the $ is gone. The best thing to do is to sit down and figure out what the best next step. Whatever the decision might be, it depends on their discussion.

But I think where the "problem" lies that many are up in arms about (including myself to some degree) is that the "other" things don't seem fair. I mean she has to worry about gifts or a birthday party for their child's first birthday party? She has to worry about if he'll "give" her money to help entertain the kids, including his from a previous relationship, all summer? These things and a few others she mentioned just don't seem right... to expect that of someone who is not bringing in an income and is caring for the children. I'm not sure if others agree with me but to me that comes off as he's not appreciating what she DOES and is only thinking of the money she isn't bringing in. Period. And that would offend me if I was in that situation. In my relationship we are not just $ signs. I know we're only hearing one side of this but if that is how it really is- if everything is exactly like she's stated it- it does appear that it's all about the $$ signs and personally I find that very sad.

I agree with you that it doesn't sound fair. But maybe... just maybe these are things that weren't considered previously. Maybe OP took on the responsibility of paying for those things because she likes it and then realizes later on that it's really taking a toll on her savings.

I guess what I was trying to say (and maybe unclearly in the beginning), is that finances in a household change every now and then. What was budgeted in the beginning doesn't work anymore. Because of that OP needs to be able to talk to her DH about it without being afraid. For all we know her DH might just come up with a good solution at the end... or maybe not...

That's just my 2 cents

 

[clarabell]

Looks like we go back August 10th. We'll get back from Disney on August 1st so maybe we won't miss orientation this year. It's hot and humid here until mid-November so starting in August vs. September is sort of immaterial.

Once football starts, it's "fall". LOL

 

[TiredX2]

I am amazed at all the SAHM on this board. I really don't know anyone who is home with their kids full time anymore, and I don't think I have every known anyone who stays home and their kids are in school full time.

I live in MA-is it because everything is so expensive around here?

We live in the Seattle area, so definately not LCOL. There are a *lot* of SAHMs in our area and I think one big reason is the crazy hours that a lot of the working parents work. DP can end up working through the night sometime. It would be very difficult to work around two jobs if one (or both) of them are 60+ hours a week with some random weeks being 16 hour days.

I am still hoping to find a child to watch this summer, someone close to DSDs age so she has a playmate. My immediate goal is to assume that I will be returning to work in the fall, when the money runs out, as per the original agreement and focus on finding childcare for DD. We are going on vacation next week and I will be talking to DH about the upcoming holiday, the birthdays and the possibility of starting some kind of allowance for the kids to earn spending money for the summer. Until DH knows where he stands with his job, we are taking one day at a time.

If you have a mini-van (so can fit 5 kids) I would consider putting up fliers at the local elementary & middle schools. I am sure there is a family out there looking for care for their kids who are appx the same age as your stepkids which might work out really well for everyone involved (built in playmates PLUS extra income).

I hope that OP & DH can work through this.

 

[C.Ann]

Wow. He may offer you spending money? I'm glad my husband freely shares his earnings with me. I thought that was what marriage was all about, especially since I take care of the home and the children so he can make a living for us.

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I agree.. Wow..

 

[kittychatalot]

In my family, the men consider it an honor to pay for their wives and families. Especially the wives, who do the most difficult job in the world. My grandfather paid my grandmother $1000 each year, on their wedding Anniversary. The year he died he paid my grandmother $60,000 for 60 years of Marriage and he considered it the best money he ever spent. BTW- that money was for her, not to pay for kids needs.

 

[bumbershoot]

I've been trying to figure out why this was bumped, b/c it doesn't seem related.

But while I'm here...

We live in the Seattle area, so definately not LCOL. There are a *lot* of SAHMs in our area and I think one big reason is the crazy hours that a lot of the working parents work. DP can end up working through the night sometime. It would be very difficult to work around two jobs if one (or both) of them are 60+ hours a week with some random weeks being 16 hour days.

Such a good point. With the tech jobs here, and ecommerce, I cannot even imagine trying to schedule a job around hubby's (and if I got a similar job, though less techy and more customer service oriented, it would be a nightmare) sometimes VERY long hours with very little notice.

As it is, he knows that quite a bit of where he is is because I am home and flexible, so if he's told in the last 5 minutes that they need people to stay, he CAN, unlike his colleagues with families and working spouses.



Anyway, I hope the OP's situation has cleared up a bit in the last 2+ months since the thread started!