NBR-vent

[JoiseyMom]

I agree with all the other posts, I too am confused. I never understood the his and hers...unless their is also an ours...that makes more sense. We just have an OURS. At one point I made more then DH..but it was still ours. For the past 8 years i've been a SAHM and I have always handled the money. I joke to DH if I die or disappear he is up poops creek cause he is clueless abuot the bills!! LMAO!!

Finances are a group discussion. If either one of us makes a big purchase it is always discussed.

You and your DH need to discuss money. If he earns enough to pay all the bills then he should for now. Explain to him the money issues you are having and tell him why you think its best for you to wait to return to work in September.

But also as other have suggested, can you start your own home daycare and take care of your DD and others??

Good luck!

 

[momof1princess]

i'm sorry OP, i'm not judging your marriage, but i honestly don't understand why or how your DH expects you to pay all those bills when he KNOWS you have no income. if all bills can't be paid on his income, it's time to go back to work. otherwise, the two of you should be working TOGETHER.

i've been a SAHM for almost 10 years, and what's mine is mine, and what is DH's is mine, and vice-versa. WE pay the bills, WE buy the groceries and pay the insurance. There's no I and YOU, it's just US. please, sit down with your DH and see if you can work this out. research child care costs in your area and let him know how little you'll be making if you have to pay child care. i can tell this is weighing heavily on you, and i wish you all the best

 

[ZPT1022]

If that is the way he thinks then you should "charge" him for child care. He should be paying you half of what it would cost to put your DD in day care.

I agree, but really he should be paying you what an in home nanny or au pair would charge, since they provide a different level of care than a daycare center, and much more on par with what the OP is doing. Heck, I know for a fact that if you have an au pair you are expected to provide room and board as well as spending money and a chance for her to get out on her own as well. You can't have the au pair show up and then demand rent and half the electric bill.

I would be really annoyed too about the stepkids, as well. They are definitely part of the family and need to be treated as part of the family, but I would be very annoyed that "I" have to be the one to find a way to provide for them. Providing for the stepkids and birthdays should be something you guys pay for together, or something that he pays for himself.

I was thinking the same thing but couldn't come up with a nice way to phrase it. I'm so glad that you see the stepkids as your kids but when it comes down to it, exclusive control of spending on them, if it is going to come from someone, should be from your DH and not you.




I'm really sorry that you are in this position. You two are long overdue for a chat about family finances and what you want out of life. Do you want to be a SAHM? If he feels the same way, he needs to pick up the financial slack. If he is insistent on the whole your money, my money thing, well, you'll have to go back to work but let him know that he will be chipping in towards the expenses that come from that.

I can only compare to my own situation and it just doesn't seem right what you are going through. I haven't worked out of the home since I went on bedrest during my pregnancy with my oldest 8 years ago. Two years ago my cousin came to me and asked if I would watch her kids, I said yes. I have to say, I felt really good about making a contribution to the family finances. Really good, it's made a lot of things easier and some things more possible than they would have been- a lot of little extras.

Anyhow...... I lost my job two days ago. A week from now I will no longer be working due to cousin being downgraded to part time at her work. I've really been beating myself up about it, OMG, what will we do, that's the money that was going to make it possible for DD to go to camp this summer, pay our vacation, etc....

DH, who has the most reason to be upset about the loss to family income (because anything that comes in belongs to the FAMILY, not the individual), has been the most supportive.

He keeps reminding me that it's not my fault and that my most important contribution is the running of our family. I can only imagine you are doing many of the same things


Honestly, it was very nice to hear but he pointed out that he is able to relax and do his job well because he knows things are running well at home. The kids are well cared for, they are always picked up from school on time, they are having nutritious home cooked meals, and a million other little things that just get taken care of and he doesn't have to worry about. He knows that there will always be groceries in the house, that there will always be a birthday card sent to a relative, that if he gets caught up at work and gets home late that the kids are okay (if you're late enough, daycares can call the police to get your kids ).

He said that the peace of mind of knowing everything is cared for at home is really what my job is about. I had never really thought about some of it before, or realized that he realized just how much I do. I'm pretty sure that you are doing many of the same things from what you mentioned- planning birthdays and holidays and whatnot. I'm just really sorry for you that your DH doesn't seem to see and appreciate all that you do. I hope you get it all worked out.

 

[Va-bear]

Just to speak up for those who _do_ keep separate accounts, there CAN be sense in this. My Dh and I bank separately - though, we DO consider all of the money, etc., OURS. It just is much, much easier for us to do it this way and have for over twenty-some years (in fact my mom and dad, whose 57th anniversary would be this year if he had not passed, did the same thing.) So it can work quite well, IF it is done fairly - key word here. Either he needs to pay you monthly or not expect you to cover any of those bills. (We do ours proportionately - he makes about 5% more money than me, so he pays 1/2 the bills plus 5% more than me.)

I like separate for us, because neither of us are control freaks - so if he wants to buy a $50.00 jacket, that I might not by if it were ME, it is still his right (all w/in reason, ofcourse.) For us, that level of trust (neither of us have ever abused the trust - that's why we have it...) is very important. We are grown-ups and for us, part of feeling like a grown-up is to control our own money. But, again, it works for us, and it's based on fairness. Just wanted to show that it can work for some - I do realize it is not for all, probably not for many, but it can work.

So, have that talk w/DH that everyone is suggesting - he can pay you or you will have to go back to work. (I think for the summer, as someone suggested, take in other kids, then return to work in the fall.)

 

[momof3girls6712]

Dh and I have been together for close to 15 years now. When we first started living together, I remember reading a marriage advice book that said money was the biggest problem in a marriage. It suggested having his and her accounts and a family account. Each person would put half of the bills in the family account each month. Ofcourse that assumed both partners are working. I am the read advice and try it type. So we did. It was horrible and we both worked. There was no way to really budget because there were too many accounts to manage. From that point on, I started handling everything money related and we have joint accounts now. Through out the years, I have stayed at home, paid more money than DH, and now only work part time. But no matter what I still manage the money.

I wish you and your family the best and I hope you can resolve this issue.

 

[ZPT1022]

Just to speak up for those who _do_ keep separate accounts, there CAN be sense in this. My Dh and I bank separately - though, we DO consider all of the money, etc., OURS. It just is much, much easier for us to do it this way and have for over twenty-some years (in fact my mom and dad, whose 57th anniversary would be this year if he had not passed, did the same thing.) So it can work quite well, IF it is done fairly - key word here. Either he needs to pay you monthly or not expect you to cover any of those bills. (We do ours proportionately - he makes about 5% more money than me, so he pays 1/2 the bills plus 5% more than me.)

I like separate for us, because neither of us are control freaks - so if he wants to buy a $50.00 jacket, that I might not by if it were ME, it is still his right (all w/in reason, ofcourse.) For us, that level of trust (neither of us have ever abused the trust - that's why we have it...) is very important. We are grown-ups and for us, part of feeling like a grown-up is to control our own money. But, again, it works for us, and it's based on fairness. Just wanted to show that it can work for some - I do realize it is not for all, probably not for many, but it can work.

So, have that talk w/DH that everyone is suggesting - he can pay you or you will have to go back to work. (I think for the summer, as someone suggested, take in other kids, then return to work in the fall.)

yeah but I think the difference for you guys (and the other person I know with separate accounts) is that if something came up, there wouldn't be a big deal made about it. If say, you had a lot of dr and pharmacy copays one month, your DH wouldn't chew you out about having to kick in a few extra dollars towards the electric bill, for example. Am I right?

 

[Skatermom23]

Not sure I understand what the OP is getting at either. For me, I have been a SAHM for 18 years! DH's check gets deposited into our joint account and I give him an allowance! It works for us.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

OP, I don't think that this is something that a bunch of internet strangers can solve for you. You and your DH need to sit down and formulate a plan for meeting all of your budget needs. Whether you have joint or separate accounts for your money is immaterial. The point is that your current plan is not working. Get your numbers together and show your DH how you're falling short.

It's quite possible that you will have to return to work soon in order to do this. The fact that "this all means taking care of someone else's child" "while someone else gets to spend time with [your] baby" would not change come September when you say you feel it would be better to return to work. It sounds as if it is inevitable.

I know that you just wanted to vent about the situation and I hope that it helped you to feel better. But ultimately, your money woes will only change when you make the effort to change them.

 

[Va-bear]

yeah but I think the difference for you guys (and the other person I know with separate accounts) is that if something came up, there wouldn't be a big deal made about it. If say, you had a lot of dr and pharmacy copays one month, your DH wouldn't chew you out about having to kick in a few extra dollars towards the electric bill, for example. Am I right?

Yes, you are exactly right. It is definately still all OUR money - we just handle it well this way.

 

[2disneyboys]

Wow this is a problem. I'm not a SAHM but Iwould say this problem is more about the control of the $ then about SAHM...
I would say there are 3 options

1. His/Her accounts & Continue to split the bills - HOWEVER, any expenses related to the Step children are 100% his and any expenses related to your baby are 50% his & 50% yours. This includes a "pay check" to you for daycare and housekeeping (I'm assuming you take care of the house) and possibly the yard care.. yes, if you worked it's very likly he would have to share these responsibilites w/ you or depending on your job, you guys may have to pay for some of these services

2. His Account, Her Account, Family Account -- this what we do ~ Our pay goes into our family account, and then we both get paid a set amount each month for our "spending money" .. I use my account for lunches out, girls nights out, gifts for DH (Ds's gifts come from Joint account) things I want specifically. He does the same. Family account is where we pay ALL the bills from. Our agreement is anything we want that we use our individual account $ for, we get no questions asked. Anything we use the joint account for we discuss... we do the bills "together" each month.. I insisted on this after my brother get in major financial troubles over letting his wife handle everything and she pretty much took him to the cleaners. DH would be fine with me handleing all the home finances, but I told him that he's an adult and needs to be involved in that

3. 1 account --Similar as #2, just all money pooled and not seperated at all.

I don't know if any of these suggestions are feisable, or would even be a starting point, but I agree w/ most the other posters that you & DH need to have a serious sit down conversation.. see if someone can watch the baby for an hour or so , so there are no interruptions. You both need to be on the same page when it comes to finances. If that means you have to work, then hey, it sucks to be a grown up. If it means you can continues to stay home with some modifications, then everyone wins. As long as you both AGREE and DH does not feel like he is unfairly carring the whole financial load (although it does not sound like it from your details) Your marriage is a partnership and so is your household. Good Luck.

 

[ZPT1022]

Yes, you are exactly right. It is definately still all OUR money - we just handle it well this way.

that's kind of what I thought and that's a different situation, in my opinion. You're still working together as a team

but I agree w/ most the other posters that you & DH need to have a serious sit down conversation.. see if someone can watch the baby for an hour or so , so there are no interruptions.

I totally agree with this. Make a "date" to go out for a discussion. DH and I have done this before and we are doing it again soon. If we're at home, even without the kids, it is just too easy to wind up doing so many other things than what we need to be doing. Next weekend, my MIL is taking the kids for a few hours and DH and I are going to Starbucks with our calendar and planning out the rest of the year- what days he needs to take off, when he's going to be out of town for work, when we should have kids birthday parties, etc...... it seems like we should be able to do this easily but when we are at home there is always something getting in the way- childcare, chores, etc..... make the time to have a chance for an adult discussion

 

[ceecee]

During our pre-martial classes, they strongly recommended ONE bank account as a couple. I don't understand why you have two separate accounts, unless one person was seriously in debt prior to the marriage? Or maybe if you get child support for her children from previous marriage?
Sounds too stressful for me. When I was a SAHM all the money was "ours" and I was more frugal for sure. When I went PT to 2 days a week, then we had more "fun" money. Before DD was born, we lived on DH's salary and saved mine, so we were used to it.
Did you agree to go back to work once the "account" was gone???? I don't really understand the entire post. But surely, he would buy his kids gifts (including the baby) and not expect you to do it.

 

[Ava]

2. His Account, Her Account, Family Account -- this what we do ~ Our pay goes into our family account, and then we both get paid a set amount each month for our "spending money" .. I use my account for lunches out, girls nights out, gifts for DH (Ds's gifts come from Joint account) things I want specifically. He does the same. Family account is where we pay ALL the bills from. Our agreement is anything we want that we use our individual account $ for, we get no questions asked. Anything we use the joint account for we discuss... we do the bills "together" each month.. I insisted on this after my brother get in major financial troubles over letting his wife handle everything and she pretty much took him to the cleaners. DH would be fine with me handleing all the home finances, but I told him that he's an adult and needs to be involved in that.

This sounds like a good set up. My partner and I have talked about opening a joint account in the past, but never did it because "how will we know how much of each paycheck to put into the joint account to cover bills?" Duh - put ALL of the paychecks in the joint account and then pay the individual accounts from that! I don't know why I did not think of this. I guess it just sounded like too much of a PITA to change direct deposit, and then there's all the automatic bill payments to change. But we should be adults and just do it. Thanks for giving me the *lightbulb* moment about how to handle a joint account!

 

[PinkRhombus]

Sorry...but who in the hell set up this arrangement? Why is your household budget STILL separate? If one parent stays at home, the budget should be made up from the income from the still-working parent.

That being said...was the original arrangement that you would stay at home as long as that special savings fund lasted?

 

[disneymom3]

I agree, but really he should be paying you what an in home nanny or au pair would charge, since they provide a different level of care than a daycare center, and much more on par with what the OP is doing. Heck, I know for a fact that if you have an au pair you are expected to provide room and board as well as spending money and a chance for her to get out on her own as well. You can't have the au pair show up and then demand rent and half the electric bill.



. I'm so glad that you see the stepkids as your kids but when it comes down to it, exclusive control of spending on them, if it is going to come from someone, should be from your DH and not you. .

NOt only do I think he needs to pay her half of nanny wages(although Nannies don't work 24 hours a day and get more than 4 hours off in a ten month time frame.) He also needs to pay her FULL wages for childcare of the two step kids this summer. Normally I would not say that but if this is the way things are divided up, then that is the way it would break down for me.

 

[pixiewings71]

Oh my....a couple things I wanted to say.
First, I am not married at this time but I have lived with my DBF/SO (people call us different things to each other, his Mom refers to me as his "special friend" LOL) for quite a few years now. We bank seperately but we also have a joint acct that all household bills come out of. We each put a certain amount of money in each month and from this we also pay for gas, groceries, dining out, our numerous trips to DL and family visits and family gifts. Our personal bills come out of our personal accounts, I also pay for my children's school lunches, pictures, medical/dental and after school programs by myself. We do it this way for a variety of reasons but this is what works for us. It is possible to have this type of set up but this isn't going to work unless we are both working.

Second, OP I'm sorry you are stressing over this. Did you get paid leave after having your DD? Does your DH not help you pay for things she needs? He should be paying for half of everything she needs, he should be paying for at least half of things your step children need, if not more. I think it's amazing that you're so loving and will buy them things but really, this isn't something YOU should pay for, it should come from your joint money or his alone, not yours.

Thirdly, can you open a home daycare? You mentioned working with kids when you go back to work? What do you do? If you are working at a daycare you can open your own in your home, that would allow to stay home with your DD which seems to be very important to you. Do you teach? Perhaps you could do some tutoring or have an after school program from your home? Of course the after school program won't give you quite as much money but many parents (such as myself) love having that type of program available to them. Consider your talents and abilities and create a job for yourself using them.

Finally, good luck to you. I do think that you and your DH need to have a very serious discussion about money, the care of your DD and home and all the other duties you have as a SAHM.

 

[girli565]

This sounds like a good set up. My partner and I have talked about opening a joint account in the past, but never did it because "how will we know how much of each paycheck to put into the joint account to cover bills?" Duh - put ALL of the paychecks in the joint account and then pay the individual accounts from that! I don't know why I did not think of this. I guess it just sounded like too much of a PITA to change direct deposit, and then there's all the automatic bill payments to change. But we should be adults and just do it. Thanks for giving me the *lightbulb* moment about how to handle a joint account!

This is the arrangement I will be using when I get married next year. Mine, his, household accounts. Based on the amount of money we make we will decide what amount goes into the ours account every paycheck. Then once household bills are covered the rest remains with whoever made it. He can't complain when I save $$ to buy a purse I like and I can't complain when he buys his things because the household stuff is already covered.

 

[adventure_woman]

This is the arrangement I will be using when I get married next year. Mine, his, household accounts. Based on the amount of money we make we will decide what amount goes into the ours account every paycheck. Then once household bills are covered the rest remains with whoever made it. He can't complain when I save $$ to buy a purse I like and I can't complain when he buys his things because the household stuff is already covered.

This is what my DH and I do, it has been revised a little since I now stay home and just work PT.

Before baby - we each had our own accounts and then deposited a percentage of our incomes into our joint account. Anything that was for us came out of that account. DH put more in because he made more.

Now, since I work PT, and only bring in a little $, all of our paychecks goes into OUR account, and then I transfer our predetermined amount of spending money into our individual accounts. This works out great - if he wants to spend $500 on whatever, it is none of my business. If I want to save up and take my DD and I on a trip to Disney, that is my decision. (we also put money away for our 'family' trips, but I just want to go to Disney MORE!). I have to say, we have never had any squabbles about money. And, I never complain about the stupid (IMHO) stuff he buys.

To the OP - please talk to your DH about your financial situation. I've heard many times that finances are the reason most people site for divorces. AND, the sooner you discuss the better. Keeping it in is only going to make it worse!

 

[hentob]

I know if I go to DH about these things, he will point out that I have already spent a lot of money staying home and he most likely will not be able to give me anymore. I understand that I am a lot, lot luckier than most people...........

No. Really you aren't


You are in a very sad situation


Good luck to you

 

[tmarquez]

I agree. Plus I think he needs to pay her child support for the child they have together since she is the only one financially responsible for simple things like the childs 1st birthday party and gifts.

NOt only do I think he needs to pay her half of nanny wages(although Nannies don't work 24 hours a day and get more than 4 hours off in a ten month time frame.) He also needs to pay her FULL wages for childcare of the two step kids this summer. Normally I would not say that but if this is the way things are divided up, then that is the way it would break down for me.