My wife is driving me crazy!

[TEENEE]

I have a similar situation. My aunt, who lives down the street watches my dd after school. My dh (my kids step dad) gets home from work first everyday. Some days he gets ddfirst, other days he'll go home and shower first. It's not a big deal. My dd is being cared for at my aunts and dh gets a few minutes to relax before everyone gets home. It takes time for new families to adjust to each other. Hopefully your dw will calm down and talk rationally about why she is upset.

 

[julia & nicks mom]

IMO - none of use really know what is giong on - you have spent so much time justifying everything here -

you should really discuss this with your wife

my DH always had to put his stuff away and wash his hands before he hugged on our kids - it drove me crazy b/c they run to him the second he walks through the door - now that he knows how upset it makes me that he doesn't drop everything when they are that excited to see him - he hands me his stuff and gives them big hugs before he goes to do that stuff - it seems like a small thing - but I don't want them to EVER think ANYTHING is more important than them - once he understood why it upset me we were able to come up with a fairly simple solution

 

[aprild]

Don't you just love mother in laws!!!!

 

[barkley]

i think grandma is adding allot to this problem. you say your wife is not happy with the set-up, you don't seem to be happy with the set-up, is grandma pushing it to be this way and it's just easier to go along?

we had friends who were in a similar situation (though grandma lived close by not in the same house). the mom had relied on her mom (grandma) all the child's life (single mom, bio dad supported financial wise but had no other contact). when mom marries there is the natural adjustment issues with the child (around 4 or 5 at the time) and grandma kept insisting that they continue with the established pickup/drop off routines so that the child and new dad could "ease" into the new schedual.

well, a few years later after much acrimony and heartache over the child not "bonding/responding" to new dad a divorce occured. we long suspected grandma had played a part in the problem and subsequently learned through comments the child made that "he was never my real dad", "it was easier for "us" when grandma takes care of things", "he never realy knew how to handle me", "we'll be fine without him" grandma had made pointed comments the entire marriage around the child but out of adult earshot that facilitated the lack of bonding. the "new dad" was devistated, he had dated mom since the child was an infant and he truly regarded the child as his own. mom unfortunatly went on to have subsequent relationship that always resulted in the same outcome.

i think you and your wife need to sit down privatly and talk about what works with the grandma situation and what does not (she may be just as unhappy yet feel caught in the middle). you may need to set some clear cut boundries with grandma and the child (since you live in the same house it may be likely that the child views grandma as an ally (sp?) who will always intercede when things don't go his way).

i would'nt get too upset about the e-mail communication, she may have been so upset that she just poured all of her frustrations as well as what may have been "dumped" on her from grandma (who i strongly suspect is talking/making comments to your wife much more than you are aware).

best of luck.

 

[cats7494]

I didn't say it always did and I'm well aware of this. My MIL was giving him a bath when I got home, so I decided to take advantage of that.

Should I have gone upstairs, yanked him out of the tub, and thrown him in bed?

No need to become defensive or rude - I did not say that you did that every time...that is why I was asking.

Leaving thread now...

 

[dadto1girl]

Are you happy?? JUST MY OPINION (cause i really don't know you) but it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to get out?

Would you like to live in the situation these two folks are in. I wouldn't!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

This is a very good way to handle it. I do thinkt hat your wife overreacted, but I'm sure she's just nervous and wants to be sure you really love him. I think that you should get him when you get home and that he needs to learn the rules, weather he likes them or not. You can't always be his play buddy, you are his stepdad and that means enforcing rules, even if you are tired and dont' feel like it.

And I can suggest this advice because I know that when my DH reacts this way (the way I suggested) I melt. When he gets frustrated or mad at me for how I'm reacting it escalates the problem. Women are funny that way.

 

[christinadei]

Should I have gone upstairs, yanked him out of the tub, and thrown him in bed?

No, you should've told your MIL that you were going downstairs to get a shower yourself and then you'd be back up for him. MIL probably feels like she's being taken advantage of. I would. I know when I babysit my nephew, It drives me crazy when BIL and SIL go home first before picking him up. Umm, hello, I'm doing them a favor and am ready to get back to my own responsibilities and it really makes me feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

 

[MICKEY88]

First of all - I wanted them to come with me. She won't go, and won't take the time off from work. Secondly, we discussed this before we got married. I told her, I like to take 2 trips a year, and if she wouldn't go, I would go by myself.

Do you have any step-children?

yes I do have stepchildren, they are now 18 and 16, but were much younger when I entered their lives...I read everything I could find on step-parenting,

one thing I learned is that all children need to know that their parents are there for them,guiding them and setting boundaries, being consistant is very important so the child doesn't get confused by always changing rules,

step children need these things even more because their world has already been rocked by seperation/divorce, they feel a bit of abandonment....so they reallly need to know that their custodial parent and then step-parent will be a constant in their life..


you keep saying you just wanted to shower first...yet in an earlier post you said you wanted to eat,rest, shower, all things that could have been done after getting the boy,



odds are he wants to stay up and play with you because his need for male bonding time is not getting met, leaving him with grandma and taking him home to bed will not solve this problem...

picking him up first, letting him spend time with you and get used to you being there when Mom isn't will benefit the relationship, and your wife will drive you crazy less often....

as for the vacation, I get 5 weeks vacation per year, my wife gets 1, should I go on vacation 4 weeks by myself because I work hard and want to get away..??? or should I be there for my family because that's a commitment I made when I chose to marry a woman with children...



how much vacation time does your wife get, does she have the time to take

 

[ElizaB39]

Folks, the MIL takes care of the grandson when the mom works late, 2 nights a week, it doesn't sound like this is a M-F thing.

It sounds like it is a communication problem.

Do you/wife pay grandma for babysitting? This should be considered if she is currently doing it for free.

 

[momof2inPA]

No, you should've told your MIL that you were going downstairs to get a shower yourself and then you'd be back up for him. MIL probably feels like she's being taken advantage of. I would. I know when I babysit my nephew, It drives me crazy when BIL and SIL go home first before picking him up. Umm, hello, I'm doing them a favor and am ready to get back to my own responsibilities and it really makes me feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

I agree. The MIL is doing you a favor. You need to go get the boy those two days as soon as you get home. Put him on a routine. You eat together, you bathe him, you put him to bed, then you take a shower. It will be tough the first few times, but your step son will get used to it.

 

[boomhauer]

Folks, the MIL takes care of the grandson when the mom works late, 2 nights a week, it doesn't sound like this is a M-F thing.

It sounds like it is a communication problem.

Do you/wife pay grandma for babysitting? This should be considered if she is currently doing it for free.

No. That's part of the problem I think. My MIL doesn't care about the money. My wife has always had her mother watch her son when she was at work. Now that I'm there, she wants me to do it. I have no problem with it. I love him. It was just something my MIL and I realized was working better for him. He goes right to sleep when he's with her. He doesn't do that with me.

 

[boomhauer]

I agree. The MIL is doing you a favor. You need to go get the boy those two days as soon as you get home. Put him on a routine. You eat together, you bathe him, you put him to bed, then you take a shower. It will be tough the first few times, but your step son will get used to it.

My MIL WANTS him to stay upstairs until he falls alseep. I don't know why, but that's how she feels. I just haven't put up a stink because I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

 

[ElizaB39]

So it sounds like it is your wife that feels like you should go up "right away" and grandma is okay with what is currently happening? Yes, I see how it is easier and that he goes to sleep right away for her, but is that what in the long run would be best for him? By that I mean that it would be "harder" to get him to go to sleep and etc. for you, but to work it out and have you "be there" for him on those two nights might just be the bonding time the two of you need?

 

[ElizaB39]

My MIL WANTS him to stay upstairs until he falls alseep. I don't know why, but that's how she feels. I just haven't put up a stink because I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

OUr posts crossed, is MIL feeling like her "power and control" are being challenged by you coming to get him to go to sleep in your own place and your wife WANTS you to become more involved and etc on those two nights?

Ultimately you should work with your wife for what works best for her son, not with your MIL to do what SHE thinks is right. JMO

 

[boomhauer]

OUr posts crossed, is MIL feeling like her "power and control" are being challenged by you coming to get him to go to sleep in your own place.

I think it's a little of both to be honest.

 

[LvsTnk]

My MIL WANTS him to stay upstairs until he falls alseep. I don't know why, but that's how she feels. I just haven't put up a stink because I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

My DH doesn't ever think anything is a big deal, I really wish I was more like him. Off topic but I really do wish that!

I bet your new wife is letting alot of stuff kind of bottle up and let off some steam in her e-mail. It sounds like you are willing to do what it takes to remedy the situation and if you just convey that to her in a loving way I bet it will all work out. But you are married and that's the name of the game...working it out.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

This is what caught my eye. When you have a kid, you don't necessarily get to do that anymore. It becomes kid first, you second. ... This is a child, not another compromise.

Even Fathers, not stepfathers can be slow on doing what is necessary for a child.

Also the post said "my wife has a child"
not "my stepson".

But even moms are better off with some time off. So maybe make a standing arrangement that the child gets to stay with Grandma untill asleep Tuesday and Thursday and you make the extra effort to be there for your stepson on other days.

 

[MICKEY88]

No. That's part of the problem I think. My MIL doesn't care about the money. My wife has always had her mother watch her son when she was at work. Now that I'm there, she wants me to do it. I have no problem with it. I love him. It was just something my MIL and I realized was working better for him. He goes right to sleep when he's with her. He doesn't do that with me.

of course she wants you to do it, you're his stepdad,

it doesn't matter what the MIL wants, it is what your wife wants that is important,

although you say you love the boy dearly , I agree with another poster who said actions speak louder than words....

to me it's a no brainer, your wife wants her son to be with you, you love the boy dearly, therefore you pick the boy up as soon as you get home from work and establish a routine,

perhaps it is easier to let him fall asleep at MIL's house, but being a good husband and father isn't about doing the easy thing, it's about doing the RIGHT thing...


if you make decisions based on what works best for a 5 year old, you are headed for serious trouble, what next let him pick his bedtime, his meals...etc...


after reading your OP again, I can see where your wife was upset, you picked the child up 2 hours and 15 minutes after the time you usually get home, even the 1 hour 15 minutes after you actually got home doesn't sound like you were in much of a hurry to get him...

 

[ElizaB39]

I agree with the poster who said, gather your wife in your arms, nice big hug, reassure her that you love her and son and that your life is so wonderful with them in it and that you want to work with her to resolve this issue and make it work the best way for son. Nice loving kiss to wrap it all up and then sit down and talk it out. Suggest the two of you have a brainstorming session to cover all kinds of situations. Even suggest that you could call her at work if you aren't sure what to do. This validates her expertise as son's mother, lets her know you value and want her opinion (which you do) and she also has input in resolving the issue at hand. Eventually, you will figure out what works for your new family, the phone calls should cease and all will be better, right?

Take and make notes, make sure you have all points considered. Then she will have to loop MIL in, her not you, and if MIL resists, you will have wife's support and you can respond to MIL, this is what wife wants, I really need to honor and respect her wishes regarding son.

What do you think? IS this too far fetched?