My wife is driving me crazy!

[boomhauer]

My wife works Tuesday and Thursday nights until 9:00. We live in a duplex. We've been married for 6 months. Her mother lives on the floor above us. My wife has a 5 year old son. OK - Get that stuff out of the way.

Anyways, I usually get home around 5:30 from work. Last night, I had to work a little bit later, and didn't get home until around 6:00. My mother-in-law usually feeds my step-son on nights when my wife works, and gives him a bath. He'll go to bed a lot easier for her than he will for me, as he just likes to play with me. So, I got home last night, made a quick dinner for myself, shaved and took a shower. I went up to get my step-son around 7:20, and he was still falling asleep. I didn't want to disturb him, so I went back downstairs, and came back to get him around 7:45. All is fine.

My wife gets home around 9:30 in a pissy mood. I come into work this morning to find a nasty email from her ripping me a new one for not getting my step-son as soon as I got home. She goes on to say bla blah blah, if you want nothing to do with him, tell me now, etc etc...

I WAS JUST TAKING A SHOWER BEFORE I GOT HIM!!!!!!

I can't stand much more of this. I never complain about it, but when we got married, I made all of the compromises and sacrifices. I moved into her house. I moved away from my job into a new office. I pay the rent, health insurance. Again, I don't need to be pat on the back, but simply because I don't run upstairs the seocnd I get home to get my step-son, I need to come into work to an email like this???

Am I a complete ******* or not?

 

[Marseeya]

I don't know the whole story, but I'd say you're not a jack***.

Is it possible your MIL said something to get your wife riled up and maybe she's misreading the situation? Is your wife expecting you to step up to the plate and be the boy's father? Is that what you want?

My DH and I married when my son was 3 and we were in similar circumstances. That first year was extremely difficult for us. If I can give you any possible insight, I'll try.

 

[pattyT]

obviously and understandably this is going to be an issue that she will always be oversensative with...
she did handle it VERY poorly...
Did your MIL complain???
we all have things in our life that we are oversensative too -
and those close to us feel more comfortable with.
take a few minutes and do something special with him now and then and it will all be good..
Your doing fine...
Just have a little talk with her.. tell her there was no intentional avoiding him...
Its real hard in the beginning...

 

[mickeyboat]

You are not a jack "rabbit." I would have to guess that MIL said something to your wife tht got her all riled up. Why didn't she just talk to you last night or this morning if this was something that was bothering her?

I think you and your wife need to have a frank discussion about what each of you expects with regard to her son. Maybe you each have some misconceptions about what the other is supposed to do and what MIL is supposed to do. Try not to be defensive or to put her on the defensive when you talk to her. Just calmly ask exactly what she expects you to do.

Good luck.

Denae

 

[boomhauer]

I don't say a word anymore to my MIL. She has a big mouth and lies constantly. I've learned my lesson. If anything though, my MIL prefers my step-son stay up with her until he falls asleep. It's my wife that has a problem with it.

I'm starting to lose hope. Lots of people say the first year of marriage is the toughest, especially when there's step kids involved. I don't know what else I can do though. I love my stepson, have absolutely no problems wiht him whatsoever. It's my wife that's driving me insane. Sorry, I get home from 11 hours of work, and I wanted to make myself something to eat, take a shower and rest a bit. I don't deserve an email saying that she doesn't think we should have any more children because of that.

 

[MICKEY88]

your wife definitely over reacted,

but I must ask this, do you want to be a father figure to the boy, if so, why not get him as soon as you get home from work,,so what if he just wants to play with you, that's good bonding time ..and he has to learn sometime to go to sleep for you.

I could see where your wife would be hurt thinking that you don't want to be with her son, since you don't really spend time with him unless she's there,

 

[Marseeya]

Are you actually telling your wife all this? Or are you keeping quiet, hoping not to rock the boat?

It sounds to me like she needs a reality check. I hate to admit this because it's really tough, but I was pretty miserable to my DH early in our marriage. He never let on to me how unhappy he was and I didn't find out until he walked out on us. Things are so much different now.

I'd never recommend anyone do that, but I think you need to make it very clear how fed up you are.

 

[grlpwrd]

I don't say a word anymore to my MIL. She has a big mouth and lies constantly. I've learned my lesson. If anything though, my MIL prefers my step-son stay up with her until he falls asleep. It's my wife that has a problem with it.

I'm starting to lose hope. Lots of people say the first year of marriage is the toughest, especially when there's step kids involved. I don't know what else I can do though. I love my stepson, have absolutely no problems wiht him whatsoever. It's my wife that's driving me insane. Sorry, I get home from 11 hours of work, and I wanted to make myself something to eat, take a shower and rest a bit. I don't deserve an email saying that she doesn't think we should have any more children because of that.

Sure seems like you have MIL issues more than marriage and stepchild problems.

If you don't mind me asking - why does your MIL so close?

 

[boomhauer]

your wife definitely over reacted,

but I must ask this, do you want to be a father figure to the boy, if so, why not get him as soon as you get home from work,,so what if he just wants to play with you, that's good bonding time ..and he has to learn sometime to go to sleep for you.

I could see where your wife would be hurt thinking that you don't want to be with her son, since you don't really spend time with him unless she's there,

Well, the thing is - If I go and get him (which I've done many MANY times), he absolutely will not eat, will not take a bath, and will not go to sleep. And he needs to get up for school in the morning. We love to play together, but by the tim I get home from work, it's not play time anymore. It's time to get ready for bed. And he won't accept that.

 

[boomhauer]

Sure seems like you have MIL issues more than marriage and stepchild problems.

If you don't mind me asking - why does your MIL so close?

It's a family owned three family home (even though we still pay an assanine amount of rent.) They've always lived there. MIL lives on the top floor - We live on the 2nd. I didn't wanna move in there, but my wife thought it best in case she needed her mother for anything. I agreed.

 

[hentob]

Move. Seriously

 

[Maleficent13]

Sorry, I get home from 11 hours of work, and I wanted to make myself something to eat, take a shower and rest a bit.

This is what caught my eye. When you have a kid, you don't necessarily get to do that anymore. It becomes kid first, you second. Now, I understand this is your stepchild, but this is how your wife feels about him and obviously how she wants you to feel about him too. You need to sit down with her and have a plain talk about expectations...hers AND yours. And all the "compromises" you made when you got married are moot, IMO, with regards to this issue. This is a child, not another compromise.

 

[MICKEY88]

Well, the thing is - If I go and get him (which I've done many MANY times), he absolutely will not eat, will not take a bath, and will not go to sleep. And he needs to get up for school in the morning. We love to play together, but by the tim I get home from work, it's not play time anymore. It's time to get ready for bed. And he won't accept that.

he's five years old, he can be made to do anything with consistant reinforcement.

I have 3 kids,,,23/18/16.....at the age of 5 they will do whatever they can get away with, but adults must be in control, kids need structure in their lives.........

it won't be easy, but the best thing to do is start getting the child when you get home from work and get him into a routine, the sooner the better

 

[vettechick99]

Wow, there are tons of issues here. First, you and your wife need to be on the same page. So you know what is expected of you and she knows what you are capable of. Personally, I'm with the wife on this one (although she didn't handle it well). I think you are taking the easy way out by leaving him up there. However, this is totally new for you and I would bet you aren't quite sure what to do. Nothing wrong with that! But you can't pawn the child off on the MIL (which is what you do passively).

I think you should get DS as soon as you get home and start him on a schedule. He is FIVE! He's gonna push you as much as he can. So you tell him -- we will play til 6, then we have dinner, then bath, then book, then bed. Period. Reward him when he complies and punish when he doesn't (tell him the punishment ahead of time so he has full understanding...and make it age appropriate). You and your wife should come up with a plan together that you both feel comfortable with.

He is your son now, not your wife's. Step up and take the responsibilty. You can't claim ignorance forever.

I think if you solve the child problem, the MIL one won't seem so big. But like the other poster suggested, you guys need to move.

Oh and watch Supernanny on Friday nights (tonight!!). You'll get so many great ideas from her (I believe she also has a book).

 

[Tigger&Belle]

As to what you should say to your wife, that's simple. Put your arms around her, tell her you love her and her son, and that you want to be with them both.

Yes, she overreacted, but I guarantee if you make a stink about it you'll have a bigger problem on your hands.

Explain to her that you only took a shower when you got home and ask her if she prefers that you get him when you first get home or should he go to sleep at his grandmother's house. You can still shower with him in the house. Or maybe his grandmother can bathe him and you can get him, read him a book, etc and tuck him into bed in his own house. That way he can have some bonding time with you.

Good luck!

 

[Marseeya]

he's five years old, he can be made to do anything with consistant reinforcement.

I have 3 kids,,,23/18/16.....at the age of 5 they will do whatever they can get away with, but adults must be in control, kids need structure in their lives.........

it won't be easy, but the best thing to do is start getting the child when you get home from work and get him into a routine, the sooner the better

I agree with you in theory, but I don't think a step-parent relationship can be forced. They really need to ease into it. It sounds to me like the son is having a difficult time making the transition and for the OP to start making all these changes is going to cause more harm than good.

When my DH and I first got married, my DS had a really difficult time with the changes, especially when it came to easing him away from my mother. He was the same way as the OP's stepson -- wouldn't eat for DH, wouldn't go to bed, just wanted grandma. It took quite a bit of time to get him used to a new lifestyle.

Good luck, OP!

 

[ElizaB39]

 

[DVCJEN]

You posted over on the Solo board you are going without your wife to WDW. Do you think this may be part of the reason she is angry/resentful with you?

 

[boomhauer]

You posted over on the Solo board you are going without your wife to WDW. Do you think this may be part of the reason she is angry/resentful with you?

Possibly.

I don't know. I don't think that gives her the right to be angry at me. As I said, I wanted her to come with me. She doesn't want to go. I'm someone who works very hard, pays alot of bills, and looks forward to vacations. If she's not, then that's her perogative. Besides, that was something we discussed before we got married.

 

[MICKEY88]

I agree with you in theory, but I don't think a step-parent relationship can be forced. They really need to ease into it. It sounds to me like the son is having a difficult time making the transition and for the OP to start making all these changes is going to cause more harm than good.

When my DH and I first got married, my DS had a really difficult time with the changes, especially when it came to easing him away from my mother. He was the same way as the OP's stepson -- wouldn't eat for DH, wouldn't go to bed, just wanted grandma. It took quite a bit of time to get him used to a new lifestyle.

Good luck, OP!

it all depends on the status of the biological father, if he's in the picture it will be difficult, if he isn't the boy is most likely craving a father figure..


if the grandmother didn't live close by, and it was just the couple and the child, they would have no choice, , so why not act as if that is the case..??