My soon to be EX read my journal :(

[Cindyluwho]

Yes, we have a soon to be 17yo daughter who is also having many problems with her Dad. He is extremely manipulative and really tries to control her with guilt and anger. Right now I'm just feeling foolish that I stayed with him this 20+ years. But DD and I both have great therapists that are helping us learn to react properly to his actions. Because honestly, that's all you can do with Narcissists. You can't change their actions, just your reactions.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

. But DD and I both have great therapists that are helping us learn to react properly to his actions. Because honestly, that's all you can do with Narcissists. You can't change their actions, just your reactions.

As you have undoubtedly been told, be careful, the Narcissist does not like to be toyed with, while you change your reaction, the ante will rise to see where you will break. It is dangerous and scary. All the more reason to have an order of protection, a security system, and perhaps a big mean dog. Narcissists really can only see how they are affected by these actions, never seeing how they are destroying lives around them. Be careful.

Also, you may want to reconsider the mediation route of divorce, he will try to push every button and put the screws to you. Having an attorney by your side and able to speak on your behalf may save you in the long run.

 

[chamonix]

You cannot--It is impossible--have a "collaborative" divorce with someone who is abusive, controlling, and/or who thinks things are "just a piece of paper"!!!!!!!

Stop that and get your own lawyer asap! No matter what it costs in $$, it's priceless if it protects you.

Do everything referenced above: new locks, new security code, restraining order, remove everything from the house that you can to a storage facility far enough away he won't guess it (or a friends house who won't let him in), etc etc.

Call the police every time you come home and things seem "amiss". (even if you don't have a restraining order, just report that someone has "been in your house" and make them take a report.

Sounds like you are the breadwinner, but consider moving out now even if it means living in a tiny cheap apt and going into some temporary debt. Above all, place you and your childrens safety above everything else. Please stay safe.

 

[Cindyluwho]

You cannot--It is impossible--have a "collaborative" divorce with someone who is abusive, controlling, and/or who thinks things are "just a piece of paper"!!!!!!!

Stop that and get your own lawyer asap! No matter what it costs in $$, it's priceless if it protects you.

I do have my own lawyer, as does he. It's just that we are using the collaborative system and will also have the help of a mediator.

Sounds like you are the breadwinner, but consider moving out now even if it means living in a tiny cheap apt and going into some temporary debt. Above all, place you and your childrens safety above everything else. Please stay safe.

I have not worked outside the home for 17 years. That being said, I have done ALL the advertising and marketing, taxes and payroll for our real estate company during that time. I have been told by numerous friends and my attorney to not get a job until the spousal support is settled. The attorneys have control of all the money right now, neither of us can touch it without everyone's approval. Right this second, I'm just kind of shell-shocked, trying to stay positive and not let him get under my skin AT ALL.

 

[chamonix]

Sorry, I thought "collaborative" meant something else. I'm glad you have a lawyer. I've never heard "collaborative" before (in regards to a divorce) and it sounded like you were trying to do it without lawyers, etc. I think that would be tough in your situation.

When you said "you paid the bills" I thought you were the breadwinner. It does sound like good advice to hold off on getting a job until you settle. If you've been working for free for his real estate business, you need to be compensated for that worth to the company. Definitely document!

Sounds like you are getting good advice.

 

[wgwtgb]

I am sending some prayers your way and lots of

 

[Singleminnie]

My ex didn't read my journal but he stole my day planner, claiming his attorney said to take anything concerning the children. My response, if you want to know their next dentist apt. just ask! I filed a bar complaint against his attorney who claimed it wasn't theft because it was "marital property". It also had notes in there to my attorney, which I claimed was "client attorney" information. The attorney got a written discipline in his file.

I ended up getting a restraining order too. I would say he is a narcicist too! He was only working a pt job when I filed and even cut his hours in hopes that I would have to pay him alimony too. We went through a trial which he lost just about everything he wanted, including the alimony. (We have three children and even though he was at home not working, I still had to take our kids to daycare because he was too busy! lol). Since he lost, he has appealed to the State Court of Appeals. We have both submitted our briefs and are now waiting for their decision! I wish you luck in getting through your divorce without what I have gone through! If you want to talk, feel free to pm me any time.