My soon to be EX read my journal :(

[Jennasis]

File for a restraining order...right this second.



What? You're still reading my post?? Get off the computer and file! Now.



Seriously. I've been down this road. It's hard and it's scary, but it saved my life. You can do this. Hugs to you.

 

[KiKi Mouse]

You need to talk to your lawyer about "sole occupancy" of the marital home. Not sure what it is called where you live but it is sole occupancy where I live.
This way your ex has no legal reason for being at your house. I assume the house has to be sold or one buys out the other but until that happens the ex should not be there.

Change the locks asap.

If you have kids and they are old enough to walk to the car then do it. If the kids are not old enough to walk "curbside" then set boundaries and only allow the ex to wait at the door. Obviously this man doesn't respect boundaries. It will be up to you to set the rules and enforce them for your home.

As for a restraing order....I don't think you have enough for one. The ex entered his own home which he can do legally.

 

[njmom47]

I'm tearing up as I read this because I went through the same thing.
He literally found my journal and read it (which I didn't know until he started spouting things that I had written about, another thing abusers do because of the intimidation factor of knowing their victim's innermost secrets).
I am sending .
I ended up moving out of MY house because he would not leave.
I lost a lot of things (which obv. could be replaced) but to this day
I still do not have a sense of security.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OMG!!!!

If he has entered your home without permission, gone thru your personal things, has been verbally or physically abusive...

1. Do you not have a restraining order against him?

2. I would do more than change my locks... and I would have changed them well before you did. I would move any specific items (either items of value, or items of a private personal nature) to a secure unknown location. My mail would be going to a P.O.Box. I would consider moving temporarily myself.

Your well being is worth SO much more than that residence.


PS: this is a huge heads up to anybody on the recent thread who does not feel that a spouse should have any expectation of privacy. EVERY human being should have some expectation to privacy. Anything else would be a huge, HUGE, red flag.

 

[IMissEd]

You need to talk to your lawyer about "sole occupancy" of the marital home.

This is great advice. A friend of mine had to do this after she came home from work and couldn't find her dog. Apparently, her ex-to-be had decided he wanted the family pet. Even though she had changed the locks, he borrowed one of the kid's keys and made himself at home, looked through opened and unopened mail, and picked up the pooch.

 

[sunnyday123]

Ok, you've had your pity party, now pull yourself up by your bootstraps ( I have no idea what they are either, my Grandmother used to say it all the time ) and get a plan.

You've received very good advice here. DON'T give him another key, period. Important stuff you want to keep, move out of the house. We have something called a Protection from Emotional Abuse Order-this is what I got to get my ex out of the house, since his girlfriend lived next door and he had her over constantly.

Seriously, get mad, and get moving.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

How horrible. I hope it is all over soon. Have you considered moving to another place?

 

[hedgehog2owl]

Get yourself a 1 year old or older male German Shepherd dog. He won't dare enter your house.

 

[hereyago]

Ok, you've had your pity party, now pull yourself up by your bootstraps ( I have no idea what they are either, my Grandmother used to say it all the time ) and get a plan.

You've received very good advice here. DON'T give him another key, period. Important stuff you want to keep, move out of the house. We have something called a Protection from Emotional Abuse Order-this is what I got to get my ex out of the house, since his girlfriend lived next door and he had her over constantly.

Seriously, get mad, and get moving.

I also agree with the other poster as it may be his house too, so you need to consult your lawyer about it, be careful because he could turn around and say you have locked him out of his own house, get an alarm.

Also this collabrative divorce, was this his idea? because the "let's work all details out in divorce in a nice manner" is a sweet thought , however, if he physically abused you, um nope, why even agree to this? "couple" therapy needs to just be you, do not give him any more opportunities to see you let alone try to intimidate you. His lawyer can talk to your lawyer, so there is no contact needed between you. Not sure if you have kids, but if you are concerned about safety, then you need to have a visitation exchange in a very public place.

As women, we are supposed to "help" and caregivers, but that is a great big line of BS, as more often times then not we will sacrifice ourselves to care for someone who doesnt deserve it. You have done the first step by filing for divorce, however, a lot of times, since we are nurturers- the abusive spouse may promise to get help, etc and the cycle starts all over again. So you do need to toughen up and take care of you-kids if you have them.

 

[cm8]

I also agree with the other poster as it may be his house too, so you need to consult your lawyer about it, be careful because he could turn around and say you have locked him out of his own house, get an alarm.

Also this collabrative divorce, was this his idea? because the "let's work all details out in divorce in a nice manner" is a sweet thought , however, if he physically abused you, um nope, why even agree to this? "couple" therapy needs to just be you, do not give him any more opportunities to see you let alone try to intimidate you. His lawyer can talk to your lawyer, so there is no contact needed between you. Not sure if you have kids, but if you are concerned about safety, then you need to have a visitation exchange in a very public place.

As women, we are supposed to "help" and caregivers, but that is a great big line of BS, as more often times then not we will sacrifice ourselves to care for someone who doesnt deserve it. You have done the first step by filing for divorce, however, a lot of times, since we are nurturers- the abusive spouse may promise to get help, etc and the cycle starts all over again. So you do need to toughen up and take care of you-kids if you have them.

Very well stated and OP, I hope that you are okay and taking notes of what he has done. Document, document and make sure someone who can do something knows

 

["Got Disney"]

Good for you for being able to finally make the change...not easy no matter what a jerk ones spouse is. You need to give yourself a big pat on the back....this is hard for many who are in an abusive relationship....unfortunately for most therapy in this kind of situation never changes the abuse....and sometimes makes it worse.

I agree with what many have said on here....get a lock that he cant get a key to, if a restraining order is needed than dont wait one more minute to get it....get an alarm right away also....you want to be sure to be able to sleep at night without feeling that he may come in in the middle of the night.

It is a shame that he read your personal words....that has to feel like such a violation....and the fact that he tried to make you feel small for your words is horrible. Keep in mind that this is him not you.....he is the one with the problems....and you are one day stronger for finally being able to muster up the strength to end it.

Here's to a great new year with new healthy beginnings and a blessed one at that!

 

[hereyago]

Get yourself a 1 year old or older male German Shepherd dog. He won't dare enter your house.

My female German Shepard mix didn't like men, she wasn't young when I got her, so maybe the owner before me was mean and a male.

 

[Cindyluwho]

Thank you so much everyone for your replies and strength! I especially love the "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" comment.

1. I do have an alarm system in the house but we have never used it, I will get on that first thing Monday AM.

2. He didn't have any credit cards in his name, he was just an authorized user on mine. I canceled his cards last night. Felt pretty good, I must say.

3. I will ask my attorney about the restraining order and sole occupancy? We had already signed something that said we had to respect each other's privacy. A piece of paper means nothing to him.

4. I can't move out of the house until it sells. We don't have money for rent on top of our mtg pmt

5. I am going to start packing up things as many of you mentioned and get them out of the house.

6. I am no longer replying to his texts or emails until I wait 24 hours. We had an agreement that he would not contact after 5pm, but he keeps breaking it. This last 3 or 4 days he's been crazy because I wait to reply. He texts 5 and 6 times in a row.

7. And just a funny aside....he was ranting and raving because I wouldn't show him my own credit card statement. He insisted that he has a right to know what I spend my $$ on. Honestly, there really was nothing on there but groceries, etc but that was not the point. Anyhoo, I got his bank statement and he'd spent $150+ at Lover's Package, a sex shop!! I nearly died laughing. And he wants to see MY bill??? And before anyone gets on my case for opening his mail, I'm still in charge of paying the bills including his LOC so his checking statement comes to me so I know what to pay.

8. All of the finances will now be frozen, with all his paychecks being sent to the attorney and all bills paid from there. I don't want his spending habits to mess up my credit.

Anything I've forgotten?? Thanks so much guys, you're AWESOME!!

 

[LoraJ]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

 

[hereyago]

6. I am no longer replying to his texts or emails until I wait 24 hours. We had an agreement that he would not contact after 5pm, but he keeps breaking it. This last 3 or 4 days he's been crazy because I wait to reply. He texts 5 and 6 times in a row.

Yep, he is a big gigantic control freak, how dare you NOT text or email him back as soon as possible, I am quite sure he thinks you should sit there and wait for him to text or email.


Oh, the alarm thing, use a code that he wouldn't think of-not a birthday or anything he could possibly know.

I know right now sucks a big things of rotten eggs, but you will get through this.

 

[disneymarie]

After a year of counseling, I finally asked my DH for a divorce. He was getting physically abusive and I know I waited too long, and I can't believe I trusted him with a key to the house....
I can't imagine how long it took him to find it! CREEPY!! And this was AFTER he moved out.

My attorney had me change the locks on the house, but he's still harassing me. The stress is killing me. I guess I need some hugs and advice. And I know I need to toughen up, but geez this is HARD!

For one thing the reading of emails and any password protected or Internet data is a felony offense. He could do up to I believe it is 12 years for the Violation of Internet law.
There is a case in court now. THe ex was getting evidance of his cheating wife and is now facing huge jail time and litigation cost.
to get the control over your ex for a change!!!!!!

Also, why does attorney think that your previous agreement should be kept when you have a fear of safety, his past violence, the control and violation pf privacy have caused you great alarm for your safety. I think you should file a protection order to have him evicted. You need to verbalize the new issues of stalking you in your own home violating the agreement to mutual enjoyment of the home during this difficult period.
Inform attorney that this is a deal breaker as you need your safety if he is still in the home.

If he isn't and went in the home and violated your privacy, commited a crime get a protection order ASAP. You need to explain the fear that you have and his past violance and how many times he text, take copies with you.....
This is frightening beyond the control it is a HUGE red flag.....

Keeping you in my thoughts, keep us posted and PLEASE be safe!

 

[Disney Doll]

Document, document, document. And pick up a copy of the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker. It is a must read for anyone going through what you are going through. It will teach you to handle this situation. he doesn't have much use for restraining orders unless the person being "restrained" has such a fear of the law that he/she would not break it. Your estranged husband has already proven that that is not the case here. Restraining orders often inflame situations more than they calm them down.

If your attorney is not voicing a significant amount of concern for your personal safety based on your estranged husband's actions, then you need to get anew attorney because this one is not working FOR you.

You need an attorney who will advise you what you can legally do to protect your personal safety without giving your estranged husband any "ammunition" to sue you drag this out in court...whatever.

If there's stuff in your house you want, get it out now and move it somewhere where it will be safe...a family member or trusted friend's home perhaps. Storage facilities...well, human nature being what it is, there can always be a lapse in the scurity of those places. You know, the teenager at the desk yapping on the phoine and your estranged husband goes in and says "Oh I have to get some stuff out of the storage bay my wife rented" and boom, he has the key.

I knwo this is difficult, but you have to get pissed and stay pissed. he has some nerve being abusive to you and reading your journal and invading your privacy and doing all the other rotten things he has done. You need to make a list of everything he has done, and look at it every time you feel yourself wavering, so you get pissed again.

 

[agnes!]

What Disney Doll said^^^.

If he is familiar with the alarm system, get a completely different one that he knows nothing about. If it's legal, maybe one that even has a silent alarm connected directly to the police and with a hidden recording system around the house, so you can catch him in all his felonious glory

Also, get pissed for your kid/s. Sometimes us moms will take a lot of guff but the moment we realize someone is messing with our children?...watch out jerk, your moment of judgement is at hand.

agnes!

 

[KiKi Mouse]

Do you have children together? You haven't mentioned any so I assume that you don't.
Since there are no kids why do you need to respond to his text messages at all? There is no reason to be having a conversation with this man outside of when there is a 3rd party such as a lawyer or a counsellor present. Boundaries. There is nothing to discuss with this guy.

Where is the ex living? If you cannot afford rent on top of a mortgage I assume he is living with a friend or his parents?

Since you have a lawyer have you gotten any of the financial stuff worked out yet? You do need to get "sole occupancy" in the interim so that your ex cannot enter the residence. You took his name off the credit cards but if you do not have a legal separation then the ex can take out credit cards in his name and you are still on the hook for half of the marital debt. I know...I was in that situation and so was a friend of mine. I did have a legal separation and I made sure all the cards and everything I could think of was severed. My friend was not so lucky. Her ex went and got new credit cards after they broke up. He went to the electronics store and did about $10,000 in damage. My friend was responsible for half of that debt since they were not legally separated. Trust me, you want to make sure you cover your a$$ on this. You do not need extra debt on top of divorce costs.

 

[agnes!]

KiKi Mouse -

I remember from previous posts that the OP has at least one (very talented musical!) child with her soon to be ex.

agnes!