My Not So Dear DIL

[Pembo]

I find that women who are too dependant on their mothers simply haven't matured, or their mothers haven't let them really "leave the nest".

Well thank you for telling me that I'm immature and I haven't really left the nest. I've been wondering what was wrong with me all these years.

Please respect other people's opinions. As I said before, I did live an hour away and hated it. I still felt close to my parents. We talked almost daily and saw each other often. I just prefer living closer. I like the security of knowing I can be there for them and vice versa when needed.

 

[cheyita]

Originally posted by WilmaBud
I think people need to respect that different people have different value systems. My "family" includes my extended family, and for that, I feel blessed.

It's ironic someone should feel insulted that people are "implying" that you can't be close to your family when you live far away. I haven't seen anyone saying that in this thread. What I have seen is a lot of condescension and harsh judgement towards those who chose to make sacrifices to live close to family. For example, we're "kooky," "immature," "oddly close," etc. It's very insulting.

I'm glad that those who live far from their extended families are content with their decisions. I'm just as content with my decision to live near my family. It's what's best for my family, and I don't see why anyone would try to make judgements about my (or anyone else's) personality or maturity level based on it.

Why do people have to assert that their way is the only right way of thinking? It's totally disrespectful.

While I admit that moving away from Mom and Dad did wonders for my independence, I am also aware that not everyone needs to take that step to reach that level of maturity. I don't think there is anything wrong with someone remaining close (literally) to their parents.

But I did get a little bit of what caitycaity was referring to - comments similar to, "I would make financial sacrifices to stay in my hometown because family is more important than money." Just because someone chooses a job that offers them more money and happens to be further away does not mean they do not consider their family important, or are not close to their family.

 

[Christine]

Originally posted by Pembo
As I said before, I did live an hour away and hated it. I still felt close to my parents. We talked almost daily and saw each other often. I just prefer living closer. I like the security of knowing I can be there for them and vice versa when needed.

Well, we all know what is "ideal" and what we'd "like" to do (and Pembo, I'm not singling you out, just using your words) but if faced with unemployment, bankruptcy (i.e., financial ruin) and you or your spouse could get a job 2 hours away from your mom to correct financial adverse situation, would you NOT take it to get yourself out of trouble? Would you stay close to home, risk losing your own home, just to be 10 minutes from Mom? I think that is what is going on here--it not simply about what we would prefer to do. It is not about marlasmom's son saying "I really want to make $20,000 more a year than we're making now, so let's move away." No, he's trying to cover his obligations with a decent job. I'm sure he would do it in his current home if he could.

 

[caitycaity]

thanks cheyita. that's exactly what i was referring to. i guess i was reading those posts incorrectly, but they seemed a little judgemental to me (i.e. because i live away from my family, i don't love them as much as people who stay in the same town).

i think depending on people's individual situations, people will read things different ways. i don't think it is kooky to make sacrifices to stay close to your family at all. i also don't think that i value my family less than money because i don't live close to them. my parents have never lived in the same place for very long. it would be pretty hard to keep up with them.

i totally respect differences when it comes to this kind of thing, but i do think it is a little wierd that someone would choose living close to family over going broke (as seems to be the case in the OP).

 

[snoopy]

But I did get a little bit of what caitycaity was referring to - comments similar to, "I would make financial sacrifices to stay in my hometown because family is more important than money." Just because someone chooses a job that offers them more money and happens to be further away does not mean they do not consider their family important, or are not close to their family.

But isn't "I" the operative word in the sentence "I would make financial sacrifices to stay in my hometown because family is more important than money"???? How is that inferring that those who chose another path are not close to their families?

 

[caitycaity]

But isn't "I" the operative word in the sentence "I would make financial sacrifices to stay in my hometown because family is more important than money"???? How is that inferring that those who chose another path are not close to their families?

See, I read that as "I would make the financial sacrifices necessary because family is more important than money" with the implication being people who don't make those financial sacrifices value their families less than the person making that statement. can you see where i am coming from on that? how i could have read it that way?

as i said in my previous post, i think people can read things different ways depending on where they are coming from.

i have no clue as to the intent of people's statements like that. if that's not what they meant (as you said, snoopy), that's fine. i just was feeling kind of bad reading some of the posts and i wanted to put that out there.

 

[snoopy]

Yes, I can see where you are coming from Caity. That is why I wanted to make it clear that I was only relating to you how I feel about moving away from my family -- not making judgement on you or anyone else on this thread. My experiences in life have led me to the path that I'm on, and that path includes having my extended family close by. I certainly can respect all of you who have chosen a different path.

Now in the specific case of MM's DIL, she DOES sound selfish in that she is unwilling to make ANY sacrifices to live close to her mother. It sounds as though she either needs to go get a job, or give up some of the extras, but she wants to do neither. I can understand MM's frustration.

 

[sharbear]

Now in the specific case of MM's DIL, she DOES sound selfish in that she is unwilling to make ANY sacrifices to live close to her mother. It sounds as though she either needs to go get a job, or give up some of the extras, but she wants to do neither. I can understand MM's frustration.

Snoopy, bingo!!!

That's exactly what Marlasmom's fustration is about. Marriages are about compromises and changing. Her DIL seems to want to do neither.

I think that it's great that people want to live close to their family. Unfortunately I met a man whose job required us to live in a different town than our family. I loved him and so I live where the job is.

 

[kadaten]

Originally posted by marlasmom
He commuted about 3 or 4 hours a day into Boston traffic and it was very hard on him. He works long hours. However he has been out of work for a long time. They can't support a $300 house, luxury cars, interminable lessons for the children (art,l gymnastics, dance, music, swimming, tennis) skiing, plays, and the list is endless on $50,000 a year. I understand the desire to be close to your family (my mother died when I was 13) but I also believe there is something in the marriage vows that say something about cleaving onto one another. He is going through the profit on the house very fast (no income - storage costs, insurance, medical, etc.) and I am worried. I send what $ I can, but we are retired and on a fixed income (and the market is tanking again). She could easily get a job, but won't. "It's not good for the children." I am so hoping he gets the offer today and takes it. OTH he is also interviewing for a great job in NJ next week. That should be fun.

Marlasmom Why are you sending them money??? They have BOTH turned down viable jobs to live as they are living. It was their decision to live that way and they have no reason to do differently until they are forced to deal with the ramifications of that decision!! Her parents let them live for free, you send money, so they see no need to either 1--take an available job, regardless of pay (at least until something better comes along, or 2--to change the way they live...cut expenses, less travel, trips, classes, etc. Both you and her parents are enabling them to live this irresponsible lifestyle.

As for the original question, I think she's being ridiculous, but I think you son has been, too, by turning down the $50K jobs. Now that this job offer is on the table, I think he should take it, and to make it easier on her, live half-way between the job and her parents. That way he can work and support his own family, and she can still EASILY see her family which is evidently more important than her own husband and kids. (That is one out-of-whack set of priorities, but that's a WHOLE other discussion!) But that's just my opinion. It counts for naught. As for you, since the relationship isn't all that swell anyway, your best bet is to offer encouragement, but not suggestions. She seems like the type to further limit your time with your grandkids if you say something she doesn't like....so to preserve what little relationship you have with them, I'd keep opinions to myself. Sorry.

Threads like this make me remember over and over again how blessed I am to have gotten the MIL I did, and she feels the same way about me!! We're fast friends, very open with each other, and nothing like the cliche MIL/DIL relationship. We're so close (and alike in many ways) that many folks think I'm her daughter until they see she and DH together. I'm sorry your DIL seems to be the type that just wants to drive a wedge between you Good luck to your son in his job hunt and decision-making.

 

[crazyforgoofy]

My 4 children are grown and out in the world. I tried to follow the 'roots and wings' theory of parenting. Give them good roots in life and lots of love and they'll take flight on wings that will always lead them back. My children live in Chicago, New York City, and two in Lawrence, Kansas. One may move to England one day. I would love to see each of them every day of the week but I want them to live their lives as they and their life partners need to live them. I talk with each of them often via phone and e-mail and we see each other as often as we can. I hope none of them feel they need to be physically close to me to be emotionally close. I am involved in their lives but not TOO involved.

My husband's illness required a life change for us and so we moved back to the teeny town near the farm where I grew up partly to be closer to my mom who is nearly 80. It's great fun to spend time with her and to help her with things she needs done.

I think I have the best of relationships with my children and with my own mom. We aren't always close geographically but that doesn't mean we aren't deeply connected.

What works for anyone else is fine with me. It doesn't sound like Marlasmom's daughter in law is willing to compromise with her husband and is putting her wants and needs before her immediate family's. That's too bad.

 

[RitaZ.]

In the end, this will be decided between the husband and the wife. Marlasmom has come here to vent her frustrations about the situation, if you ask me that's a lot smarter than voicing her opinion to her DIL. I think that living with the wife's parents because of the lack of work/jobs and their strained financial situation isn't a smart long term decision. When there is such financial strain that your parents have to help you and you have a family and children to support, then you've got to do what you've got do.

It's a good thing for me and my brothers that my mom chose to leave her mother, all her siblings and extended family back in Cuba to follow my dad and give us a better life here. My grandmother never forgave my mom for "leaving" her. I'm glad that my mom was "selfish" and thought of us. Who knows what kind of hell life I would have had if my mom had chosen to not "leave" my grandmother. I know that our situation was different than what's happening to MM's son and his family. All I'm saying is that you never know where life is going to take you, never say never.

 

[Disney Doll]

DIL is spoiled and selfish, but son married her, so that's his problem. Son made a poor decision turning down $50,000/year jobs because he usally makes 6 figures...5 figures is better than nothing, isn't it? MM and DIL's parents aren't helping son and DIL see the gravity of their situation because both of sets of parents keep bailing them out, one by letting them live for free, the other by sending money. DIL and MM aren't close because DIL feels MM is judgemental(which, to a degree, she is), many feel that you should follow your DH to the ends of the earth, sounds like son and DIL didn't discuss the possibility of ever moving, and are now faced with it.

Iwill tell you this...I would have told my DH to accept a $50K/year job if it was offered, rather than being out of work for an extended period of time. Sounds like son wasn't too eager to "compromise" on that issue, was he?

My best advice to you MM is to keep your nose and your money out of it. When they hit bottom, they'll have no place to go but up.

 

[marlasmom]

It's funny. My SIL loves us even though I told him before he married Sarah that if he ever caused her a minute of unhappiness I would kill him. He said he had already gotten that lecture from her brother. LOL.

Two of my daughter's friends are coming to stay with us, bringing their toddlers and delighted that I will babysit while they do WDW and/or Pleasure Island. I'm really not a bad grandma.

I suppose I send $ because I worry about his nest egg going down the drain. I know it's stupid and I really can't afford it. We are not having a vacation this year.

I just don't understand why DIL behaves the way she does. We have been welcoming and generous to her and I really do bite my tongue. She isn't very nice to Alan's sisters either and he really has a close relationship with them. My younger daughter and Alan snipe at each other all the time and they really are very funny. She put a stop to that saying she never did that with her brother (the incipient alcoholic). I told her that Sarah had been giving it back to Alan since she had been able to talk (she is 8 years younger than he is) and if there had ever been a problem I would have put a stop to it. Their bickering has always been very good-natured and usually hilarious. I'm sorry to see it end.

Oh well, we'll find out more today if he gets the offer - and failing that there is the New Jersey job in the offing.

I envy those of you who live close to their families and would not move, but I am assuming you do not have the situation of no work where you are. There is no getting around that.

 

[slo]

Currently my DH and I live 4 blocks away from both of our parents (our parents live a block away from each other). We are thinking of moving, and the thought of even moving to another town makes me sad. I love living this close to our parents, absolutly love it!! Does this make me dependent on my mother - absolutly not!!! Sure, she does me some favors, but I return the gratitude by doing her some favors. I just love my family - both sides of my family.

Now, if my DH was offered a great job - and I mean it has to be fantastic - where it was 2 hours away, I would go. But....my DH knows that the pay would have to be enough for me to stay home and not work and still have the same standard of living we have now (I currently work full time and we have 2 DD's). My DD's do go to a daycare now, but if they are ill and I need to work, my mother helps out and watches them for a day.

So.....if the DIL is anything like me, I can understand her point of view. If she is not allowing her DH to pursue a once in a lifetime chance that would benefit the entire family, then she may need to rethink her protest. This is just an opinion.

 

[ScarlettO]

Originally posted by Pembo
Well thank you for telling me that I'm immature and I haven't really left the nest. I've been wondering what was wrong with me all these years.

Please respect other people's opinions

Gosh.....to have constant pain in your neck because you lived an hour away from your parents is a little......odd.

 

[Microcell]

I live 13 hours from family. I do what I have to for my family!

 

[niks81]

I think being a DIL is hard LOL I'm serious....I think it is easier for mom's to get along with their daughter's husbands than for mom's to get along with their son's wives. I guess it's just a woman thing sometimes! And don't get me wrong, I get along with my MIL just fine, but we are SO VERY opposite. She is the subservient wife and mother that does whatever she is told, and well...I'm not. I'm independent, and I don't believe it is my sole responsibility to cook all the meals, do all the cleaning, and all of that. In my house, we work as a team--very different than his parents. I know when his parents stay with us on visits she disapproves that I don't run and fetch my husband a soda whenever he wants one I love her to death, but tough cookies!

marlasmom---
Sorry to say this, but your son has poor taste in women!! She sounds like a spoiled, selfish, self-centered brat.

This is kind of funny....I wouldn't as far so say all of that, but I think selfish is about appropriate. I've been in her shoes and guess what, I picked my husband over my family. We moved out of state so that he could better himself in his career and left behind all of our family and our friends. My mom and stepdad were disappointed with our choice and they dislike that we live far away from them, but it worked out better for us! I'm sorry, but 2 hours is nothing We're a lot farther than that and I'm closer to my mom now than I was living at home!!

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but definitely don't sit back and not give your opinion. As my mom always said, "At the very least listen to our advice and opinions--it doesn't mean you have to do what we said."

Of course that is always followed up with "But when you look back in 10 years and regret not listening to me, don't come crying to me!"

 

[Pembo]

scarlettO - it was stress!

 

[Dizzy-Disney4]

I guess what I don;t understand is why your DS has turned down jobs making 50,000.00 a year??? I understand that it is not what he wants to make...but quite frankly I know so many that would kill for that! Sounds to me like both DS and DIL are living a bit beyond their means at the moment if they are on the verge of bankruptcy. Maybe they need to cut back with the luxury cars and maybe have the kids cut back on their activities and pick one each. I just can't imagine turning down a 50,000.00 a year job in this economy.

 

[Planogirl]

50K may not be much in their area but I agree that something is better than nothing. Employers used to frown at such large pay cuts but I've heard that they understand these things nowadays.

It's really nice that so many people here are close to their families and are also willing to make sacrifices to stay close but bankruptcy and losing everything is a bit too much of a sacrifice IMO. Particularly when it's just a matter of being two hours away.

I wish all the best for your son Marlasmom and I must say that I admire your resolve to stay out of it. I don't know if I would have the self-discipline!