My Not So Dear DIL

[stinkerbelle]

throwing my 2 cents in here.
We live 2.5 hours away from DH's parents and less then an hour from my parents. I am very close with my family - my mom likes it when I just 'pop in' on a sunday or something to visit, and she likes that her and my dad have an open invitation to our home. We don't see DH's family as nearly as often as my parents - but we go quite often in the summer, often spending long weekends with them.

I personally think the DIL in this case should really support her husband in this - isn't that what a marriage is all about? 2 hours really isn't that far away, IMO...and look at the benefits of moving these 2 hours - better paying job, lower cost of living...today - these things are VERY hard to come by.

I hope everything works out for your sons family and they are able to make a compromise (maybe only move 1 hour away giving him an hour commute?)

also - i'm sorry that you don't get to see your grandchildren as often as you'd like...seems there's some heartache there.

 

[CamColt]

From someone who lives 1/2 mile around the corner from my parents, I have to say I dont think I could do it. I moved 20 minutes away and moved back here, LOL! Obviously we are a close family.
Then again Ive never been in a situation where DH was out of work. If I had to choose between eating, heat, etc... and living here I might make the move. However if it were a matter of DH making less money and us tightening our belts to stay here, I would do whatever it took.

 

[RitaZ.]

Is it in Hanover, N.H? Dartmouth by any chance?

Two hours is nothing, I hope that this won't keep her DH (your DS) from accepting this job. There has to be away for them to work it out and reach an agreement, it. What does your DS say about this?

 

[EsmeraldaX]

My parents live an hour and a half away from me and i still manage to see them at least every other week. I also have a long commute to work. I think he should take the opputunity, esp. after being out of work for so long.

 

[Kallison]

I'm just wondering for everyone who wouldn't move for "nothing", how would you plan on supporting your family? What if that is the only job prospect in your career. Do you stay near family and live on what?? Maybe his job isn't the type where he can find a job offer on every corner. You have to think about the good and financial being of your immediate family also, which is your spouse and kids.

 

[WilmaBud]

I'm wondering what field your son is in? Perhaps he needs to explore a different career that would be more stable. Does he do anything to earn money while he's out of work?

My DH got laid off from his job 3 years ago. He started over in a new field at the age of 38, with 2 kids. Seven years before that, he got out of the military and started a new career then, too. We had a baby on the way at that time. It's been a rough road, but we're happy how things are now. We live close to family, and he has a stable job that he loves.

Actually, at one point, I went to work, and my DH stayed home with my son for a few months when DH was between jobs. You do what you have to do. But there are all kinds of compromises to make. And marriage works both ways - it's not just a wife supporting a husband. It goes both ways.

Again, to me and my DH, our family is more important than any particular job. We make sacrifices so that we can be close to family and live in this town that we love.

I see my parents several times a week. I also see my sister every day, and I see my brother pretty often too. We all live within 15 minutes of one another. Our kids are thick as thieves. I love it this way. My brother and I had both lived far away, but we came back and intend to stay. We all have an amazing support system, we enjoy each other, and we all consider ourselves really lucky. Life is short - I treasure my loved ones above everything else in the world.

 

[GoofItUp]

I can somewhat understand your situation. My SIL (DH's sister) is abnormally close to her mother. She has 2 kids and sometimes I'm not sure if she's the mother or my MIL is the mother. She spends the weekends and most of the summer at my IL's home, leaving her husband at home. I am extremely close to my family and see them at least a couple times/month, but I don't LIVE with them any more! She and her family moved an hour away last year and MIL and SIL about freaked out over that. They are just a little TOO co-dependent.

I hope your situation works out for you. It sounds like your DIL is too co-dependent on her parents, also. Hopefully your DH will be strong enough to convince her they need to get out on their own and make a life for themselves.

Truly, 2 hours is not a big deal. I drove that far to see my younger brother play junior high football games!

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Well, let's see. I live in Wisconsin, parents live in Idaho, Sister lives in Kentucky, and my Brother lives in Missouri. Give me 2 hours away any day! We are a very close family. We stay in touch through phone calls, IM, and we visit each other a couple of times a year.

We all used to live in Iowa, but took job opportunities else where. It's not the ideal situation, especially for my Mom who misses her Grandbabies.

DH's parents live 3 1/2 hours away and we see them quite often. I like it that way.

I think she needs to put her DH and kids first and he needs to take the job. JMHO!

 

[MinnieMe2]

We have four kids, all at the age where they'll be leaving the nest for good very soon. In fact, our oldest is doing his last semester in Italy right now. We still 'talk' daily, through email, IM, sometimes even by phone. It's worked very well, and I don't feel we're any less close because he's half a world away. In fact, I think sometimes we've said things in print that we might not have said face-to-face, ya know?

I'm assuming you mean they'd move to the Hanover area? It's gorgeous up there, and culturally it would be wonderful. If I were your daughter-in-law, I'd be packing my bags. And if I were her mother, I'd be encouraging her to go. Two hours, in this day and age, is not bad at all.

Then again, since he's going to make a good salary, maybe your son could go live where he works during the week and go 'home' weekends?

 

[Chattyaholic]

Speaking as a MIL myself, I really don't think it is any of your business what they do. Your son and his wife need to work it out for themselves.

When my DH and I married almost 29 years ago he was kicked out of his church for it. His parents were still Mennonite at the time, but shortly after they left the church as well. They never once made me feel to blame, and they welcomed me with open arms from day one, and they never, ever interfered in our lives/decisions unless we asked their opinion. We lived right next door to each other until DMIL passed away from ALS. I am striving to be exactly the type of MIL she was: compassionate, understanding, loving, and keeping my opinions to myself unless asked for them.

 

[MaryAnnDVC]

I'm the youngest and last of my 4 siblings to leave home, and the only one who stayed in the area.

I moved 3 1/2 hours away over 20 years ago to accept a wonderful job. Back then, my parents were "relatively young". When DH and I decided to get married, *I* left the better job, and moved back this way, with no regrets. When I was younger and single, living far away from my parents was fine...I knew if I needed to, I could move back, and it would only affect me. When we got married, I did NOT want to establish OUR life that far from my parents.

Now, 20 years later, my father is gone, and my mom is 81 and TODAY is getting out of a rehab after having spnal cord surgery. THANK GOD I could be here for both of them, when Dad was sick, and after he died, when mom was alone, and now that she's not well...I've been to the hospital, and then rehab, almost every single day since Feb 1, and will continue to see her at home often...and I am SO grateful I can do that.

There's A LOT to consider, AS A FAMILY, and just maybe, Barbara, your perception of the situation isn't the whole story.

 

[DMickey28]

I have always lived either with my parents or within an hour. (I am 25) For two years at college (different times I lived 3 hours).

My Fiance (before he was offically my fiance, but I knew) got a wonderful job promotion oppurtunity 14 hours away from our friends and family. I did not hestiate to follow him. He would not have gone if I was against it.

I am very close to my family, sometimes I think too close for my age. I think that moving away was good for me because it allows me to grow up away from my parents little girl and all my old memories and allows me to become focused on myself and my new family with my fiance....

Two hours is not bad, depending on the stage of life. However, everyone has their own comfort level. I talk to my mom and dad atleast once a day and I saw them about two months ago and will see them in the summer and then the wedding.... it's hard but I think it's important for me to get out on my own and grow up!

 

[Blondie]

Two hours is not bad, depending on the stage of life.

Today, two hours really isn't all that far. Some people commute that far one way for their jobs!

Right now, at this stage of our lives and my parent's lives, I wouldn't want to be any further than we are now, which is 3 driving hours away. But if DH came home today and told me that we had to relocate (regardless of the location) or be without a house and car payment in a few months, we'd have no choice but to move.

Having left our family and friends early on (I was only 25 when we moved 8 hours away) I can say it's much easier when you and your parents are younger and in good health. It's also easier when there are no children in the equation. I can see how difficult it would be to move away from everyone after having lived so close together for 20 plus years, especially if your aging parents depend on you.

But I've always put my DH's career first and will continue to for as long as he is working.

 

[caitycaity]

in a marriage, i think the needs of your immediate family (spouse and children if you have any) come before the needs of your parents and siblings.

just because i live far from my family, it does not mean i don't love them and it doesn't mean we aren't close. i would think two hours would be a very workable distance. i live a lot further than that now.

 

[4cruisin]

Originally posted by marlasmom
She is a SAHM. Her parents are relatively young and healthy. They live in New Hampshire and he has turned down several $50,000 jobs. He makes well into 6 figures (when he works) and they still live paycheck to paycheck. He has to find a job soon or go bankrupt. She could sub as a teacher, but won't. They sold their house at a big profit and moved in with her folks. In the meantime Michelle wouldn't give the kids swimming lessons at the Y but joined the expensive swim club. Ironically she is certified to teach swimming.

And then there is his parents (us) where the father is not healthy and the mom (me) would LOVE to have the children. But as she explained to me her children go too her mother - when my daughters have kids they go to me - except my daughters would never behave like that. I have NEVER babysat those children. I just send presents.

Marlasmom,
There seems to be deeper issues than just his relocating for a job. Why would he turn down a $50,000 job when he is on the verge of bankruptcy? Wouldn't it be better to have some income as opposed to no income just because it is not up to his previous standards? Personally, I would stay out of it. It is between your son and his wife. There may be other issues they are dealing with and her family may be a comfort to them both. Also, how can you babysit if you live in FL and the grandchildren live in NH? I found it odd that you referred to your grandchildren as "those children"

Nancy

 

[marlasmom]

I am venting here because I can't there. I am keeping my mouth shut, although it is an effort. We didn't always live in Florida - we were 15 minutes away from them until last year and if I had had a closer relationship with the children we would not have moved. Jobs for Alan are few and far between thanks to the dot.com collapse. His dad told him to take a lower-paying job just to have some income while looking. He doesn't want to do that. He wants stability in a good job. When my kids were small and my husband lost his job I got a job in a factory at night so he could job hunt and babysit at night. I hated it - I was terrible at it and in fear of getting fired any minute. Michelle is a teacher and a very good one. I don't see why she can't substitute teach to bring in some income - but again I haven't said anything.

He's all grown up, but he's still my kid and I shudder to think of his driving 4 hours a day on top of a 60 or 70 hour week. He is a devoted father and wants to spend time with his kids.

I try to maintain a relationship with the children which mostly consists of my sending presents - often on a weekly basis and hoping to hear that they liked them.

 

[Christine]

marlasmom,
I think you're doing the right thing and I feel really bad for you situation.

Despite what anyone says, there are just those DILs/SILs that do not want anything to do with parents other than their own. It is very selfish, but I see it happen a lot.

My cousin had a GF for many years that we all loved and she was wonderful. She loved our family and participated in everything she could. For various reasons, they broke up. My cousin very quickly took up with a new GF and before you know it she was pregnant and they were getting married. She seemed to be pleasant enough and we all welcomed her. But you know, she wants NOTHING to do with my cousin's siblings or his parents. After their second child was born, she did not even want them visiting for a month because of some sort of "bonding" thing she believes in. Yet, her parents and family were invited. It is just a slap in the face to my aunt and uncle constantly and I don't see the reason for it as they are very loving, caring people. So, I can see that you are dealing with one of "those" type of DILs. Sad to say you really have to keep quiet (which I realize you are donig) and this is a perfect place to vent...VENT away. I sometimes just wonder what happens to the men in this story...why do they let their wives get away with this behavior? I realize your spouse should take priority, but not to the extent that one spouse shuts out their in-laws and makes her own parents the top priority.

 

[Octoberbride03]

2 hours is practically next door. I'm about 4.5 hours away from my parents. And i for the first 2 weeks of my marriage after the honeymoon i was over 6 hours away till they moved to DE. hell, if i can survive 4.5 hours, your DIL can certainly learn to survive 2. Besides, we have all these newfangled contraptions like e-mail and the telephone. Amazing inventions i tell ya

 

[Pin Wizard]

Two hours away? That's nothing! Sounds like she needs to grow up.

 

[disykat]

I suppose venting here makes sense, but I'm certainly not going to offer my opinion and fuel the fire. I sympathize with your dilema and continue to encourage you to stay out of it.