My Mommy

[ceceevie6]

My mom was just diagnosed with stage 3B lung cancer. She had been short of breath for 2 weeks, and then last Friday night she just couldn't catch her breath. The hospital found that her lung cavity and her heart were surrounded with fluid, and her lymph nodes on her lungs were extremely enlarged.
They did a preliminary pathology on the sample of her lymph nodes, and say they are sure that it is not lymphoma, that it is lung cancer. They are staging it at a 3B because of the spreading of the cancer cells.
I am in a state of shock. I am an only child, and my dad is 100% dependent on my mom. They work together, shop together, vacation together. They do not have any friends that they see separately. He is in a state of denial, to the point where the doctors speak to me alone because he is not in the right frame of mind to absorb what is going on.
They told me that this is terminal, and that they will treat her with chemo but her life expectancy is tops 18 months.
I have 2 small girls and a job and a mortgage (and a really great husband), but I feel suffocated because my dad is expecting me to give up my life and move in their house because he cant deal. And I feel like I'm being selfish because I can't just do that. I will be there for the long haul but I do have to take care of my own family and I don't know if I am strong enough to do all of this. And on top of all of this, I am smoking more than I ever have and I feel so stupid smoking while my mom is going through this but I can't just quit right now because I am so crazed.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Oh Honey.. you brought the Mom out in me.. hugs, hugs, hugs! I know you cannot give up smoking right now so I am not going to lecture but I will tell you this... two of my daughters smoked...one gave up immediately when her Dad got so sick.. the other gave up after a while, but she did it. When you are ready, you will do it.

Ok.. first, one day at a time. Do not go into the scary future.. stay in the present.

So, they are talking chemo. Life expectancy, when the doctors say I give them 18 months....they are going by statistics.. She may respond well to treatment and have more time. When I read the statistics on my husband's cancer, I figured 18 months... that is about right for Pancreatic. We will be 4years November 4. He is having chemo now, I have to admit it is not great, but he is doing the very best he can to fight this fight.

Your Mom will have to do this. Depending on her treatment plan.. it might be chemo once a week, once every other week or maybe twice a week, whatever they decide, she will have to go to the hospital for this treatment or to a treatment center. This is where your Dad comes in, he will be there with her......sitting with her, talking with her, encouraging her. Hopefully, he can stay focused on making her laugh, laughing is the best medicine. Your job will be to keep him up so that he can do this for your Mom and when you can, you come and give him a break.

I am speaking from experience here, I go every other week with my husband... I have three daughters, they all work and have responsibilities.....it is doable for me. It is unfair for your Dad to expect you to move in with them.. he has to step up to the plate. This is the same woman he vacations with, sleeps with, laughs with....this is another phase of their marriage, granted not one they planned on, but one they will have to face together.. and you will be there, but your role is not his role.

I am not sure how old they are.....they may need a visiting nurse to come in if things get difficult... hopefully they have insurance that allows those kinds of visits....I know we do.

Anyway, pm me if you need to talk. I am a wealth of knowledge on chemo and hospitals etc. etc. and there are others here who have gone through chemo with a loved one, I hope they post as well.

Take care, right now you are overwhelmed...all that information, tears, my family has been there.. now you step back, take a deep breath and start the fight..

 

[Elfstar]

I'll pray for your mom and your family and you. I'm not well versed in cancer (we're fighting ALS) but I have a lot of general medical knowledge from working in the field for 20 plus year. I'm here if you need an ear, a shoulder or have a general question. What a blow this must have been to you all. Everyone here is wonderful, and we're all good listeners.

 

[wuv tigger]

Take care of ourselves ... as much as possible!

Your Mom & Dad will need.

Try to make sure your body is as healthy as possible. Take your vitamins, drink plenty of water, eat some great salads, try to get at least 3 pieces of fruit a day.

My Dad's last year was rough. I was better able to handle it as I was taking care of myself.

Hugs to you and your dear family!

 

[Kathy C]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. My mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in Dec 2003 (her third) at 62 (her first when she was 46). Like your mom and dad, my dad was 100% dependent on my mom and they did everything together. My mom died in Feb 2006 at 64 and my dad was a lost soul. I do have a brother but my dad is an only child and doesn't have any other family. It's a tough, tough road but my dad is doing better. My mom handled everything but taught him how to do everything including the laundry, making the bed the way she did with all the pillows, paying the bills and balancing the checkbook before she died. Now he keeps a cleaner house than any woman I know!

I think your dad is just so overwhelmed right now that just being there without moving in for the first few weeks will help him and your mom tremendously. I went to every doctor's appointment with my mom and dad and my brother came to the ones that involved test results because you need those extra ears. Many times we all heard different things. There were times my mom, I think, shutdown after hearing certain things. Go to the ones you're able to - I felt so much more informed and I loved my mom's doctor.

Unlike you, my son was grown so that's something I didn't have to deal with so I had some extra time. Your girls are still so little and need you so much. You, too, will feel overwhelmed at times, but you'll make it through. I lost my best friend when I lost my mom but I know she's in a better place and looking down on us.

And, the timeframe is just a statistic - after my mom died, the doctor said she should have died 1 1/2 years earlier. Tests, labs, etc all pointed that direction - I honestly believe she decided when she was going to die.

PM me if you have any questions - I'll be happy to listen and help in any way I can.

 

[mommasita]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

My FIL expected us to move in with MIL as well went she went through Chemo. As in your situation, it was virtually impossible. My son was 4, and my daughter 1. I did help out when I could, and spent brought her to each chemo treatment.
I agree with MM, it is too much to ask for you to move in. Try not to feel guilty. Just be there as well and how you can. If it is in person, great. If on the phone for moral support, great again..

I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[safetymom]

I agree with everyone here. I know you will find a way to be there for your parents but your family comes first.

You may be spread real thin but you will find a way to make it work. Just remember to take care of yourself while you are taking care of everyone else.

 

[ceceevie6]

Thank you all for your thoughts. This is so hard for all of us to process. We have an appt at Sloan Kettering on Tuesday for a second opinion.

Has anyone had any experience with the Cancer Center of America in PA? They are my next option if Sloan's prognosis is grim.

 

[A Mickeyfan]

My prayers and thoughts are with you. My mom just died of lung cancer on 10/10. She was dx with it July of 1999... yes 1999. She was told then she had about a year. We had her for nine. In that time frame, 2003, it went to her head (not brain). They told her/us again.. about a year.. A lot of my mom's out come had to do with her strong will. She was determined not to give up. She was 78 in Aug and like I said, she just passed away on the 10th of this month. Cancer finally won. Do not go just by what the docs tell you, they can be wrong! My mom showed them... she gave us way more years than the doc said she had... and your mom may too.... hugs from my family to you and your dad. We know what you are going thru. My mom's services are will be on Thursday the 23rd... while I am upset and sad, I am also thankful for the extra years we had with her.....

 

[ceceevie6]

My prayers and thoughts are with you. My mom just died of lung cancer on 10/10. She was dx with it July of 1999... yes 1999. She was told then she had about a year. We had her for nine. In that time frame, 2003, it went to her head (not brain). They told her/us again.. about a year.. A lot of my mom's out come had to do with her strong will. She was determined not to give up. She was 78 in Aug and like I said, she just passed away on the 10th of this month. Cancer finally won. Do not go just by what the docs tell you, they can be wrong! My mom showed them... she gave us way more years than the doc said she had... and your mom may too.... hugs from my family to you and your dad. We know what you are going thru. My mom's services are will be on Thursday the 23rd... while I am upset and sad, I am also thankful for the extra years we had with her.....

Thank you so much for sharing that story with me...I really need to hear inspirational true stories. I am still in shock and can't imagine my life without her. I am sorry to hear about the passing of your mom, and it is nice to know that you were able to enjoy so much extra time with her.
Thank you again,
Lori

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I called them in the beginning.....as they had a cure with Pancreatic Cancer and I thought.....why not. I will say I am sure they do good, but they hounded me by phone for a while.. If I remember correctly, you have to go to them and stay there....I remember looking up their doctors and their qualifications and was rather surprised that some of them were not what I thought they should be...

If you are at Sloan Kettering????? They are among the best in the country... I would start there and see how I did..

Keep the faith, remember statistics are just that statistics... Take it one day at a time... do not go into the scary future.. one day at a time. Listen to the doctors, the nurses, do research yourself, but most of all gear up to do battle.. It is like being on the rollercoaster, you will have ups and downs.. highs and lows.. but during that time you will be with your Mom....helping her.

 

[Mskanga]

Keep the faith, remember statistics are just that statistics...

THAT is the biggest truth. I know when my daughter was diagnosed I was scared to death to read about statistics until our oncologist said everyone is their own statistic.
My advice to you is do a lot of research , arm yourself with fountains of information no matter how scary things may sound and think that everyone reacts different to the treatments , that not because it did not work on some people it means it won't work on your loved one , stay possitive and focused....and laughter , lots and lots of laughter....the best medicine.
My 15 year old daughter is now in remission from her bone cancer and we pray that it never comes back but at the same time we enjoy and cherish every day we have here.
Hugs to you my friend , hang in there.

 

[A Mickeyfan]

Thank you so much for sharing that story with me...I really need to hear inspirational true stories. I am still in shock and can't imagine my life without her. I am sorry to hear about the passing of your mom, and it is nice to know that you were able to enjoy so much extra time with her.
Thank you again,
Lori

You are welcome.. anytime you need an ear, please feel free to pm me. I have been there done that. I may not be able to make things better, but I can be there to listen. Like I have said in my other posts, I feel as if I lost my best friend, but on the same token, I am blessed I had extra years with her.
You will have a long and bumpy road ahead of you. There will be times that you may think she isn't going to pull thru, but do not give up hope. I can remember the times when she was going thru some of her chemo where we thought the chemo was going to cause her death. Then the next thing we knew, she was doing great and in remission
The best advice that I can give you is to hang on and never give up. Think positive thoughts... and live your lives as normal as possible. I know that is what we did. I still had my spats with my mom We were so much alike that we would argue, her cancer did not stop that.. Just three weeks ago she was yelling at me for driving up to see her... She always said I spent too much at Disney (she was right too ) The point is, do not let cancer change your lives.... if you do, it will get to all of you.

 

[ceceevie6]

Update:
We went to Sloan Kettering, and the Dr. was SO kind and down to earth. He explained to my mom that there is no "cure" as of yet, they will treat her cancer with chemo. And that she will be "living with cancer" and not to let it run her life.
He never once gave her any statistics, or life expectancy, and was so positive about everything. He scheduled her for her first chemo on Halloween.
I asked him in the hallway why the dr's at the hospital were so focused on telling me what stage and how long she should live. He said that he doesn't like to quote statistics, and that everyone is different as far as what their body is capable of. He told me how important it is to stay focused on being positive, and at the same time enjoy everyday with all of my loved ones, because no one knows when anyone will pass away.
He was so terrific. I am so much more positive after meeting him and seeing their facility.
I have hope that I do not think I had yesterday.
Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. I will keep you updated, and will continue to keep all of you in my thoughts as well.

Lori

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Oh Lori, I am so happy it turned out well with that doctor and that great hospital..

"living with cancer" I forgot to use those words.. that is the philosophy now and what a great one it is.. They are treating cancer as if it is were diabetes or any of the other illnesses that you live with. Granted it is a tough road, and I will not lie to you, chemo is not easy, but there are so many ways to deal with the side effects of chemo and so much knowledge and help for the caretakers..

Some things to know, but do your own research, chemo burns calories so weight loss is an issue sometimes. All chemo's are different and have different ramifications. The regime my husband is on, 4 times we have done different chemos to stop this cancer and our cancer, is chemo resistant, the good thing is that from what I have read lung cancer responds better to chemo... Each regime does different things, I would ask up front what to expect. My husband never lost his hair, it thins, but he has never lost it with his chemo's.

Fatigue is a huge issue.....they may sleep during treatment, they may be down for a few days after, but the plus of going to a good hospital that does great cancer research, your hospital is one, is that they tweak the treatment. We all tolerate medications differently, we all have different bodies, so it goes without saying that chemo would be one of those things that might need tweaking. If they lower the dosage, do not get upset, it all works out somehow....it is what the patient can tolerate. Also, there are fine meds on the market so that she should feel no pain, there is no reason to feel pain. If she is down for the count, more than what they told you to expect, make sure you tell them.. Keep accurate notes....it helps to have them to refer to when you are talking to the doctor..

Also, make sure you have the numbers of the doctor, the center, whoever you need to call if you need something. What to do if there is an emergency, I would say call 911 and get to the nearest ER. We live about 1 and 1/2 hours from our hospital in Boston, while I would allow them to treat my husband in our local hospital in an emergency, I would get him to the hospital where he has treatment when he is able.

Most of all, know we are here for you and hugs, hugs, hugs....to you and your family. Stay strong, focused, positive, there will be days when you want to cry and scream, it is ok, I do that myself, I just try to do it in private and not let my husband see me.. I try I said, sometimes he just can read my eyes.