My mom is a bigot (very long post)...

[luvmydogs]

...and I just can't take it anymore. I am so sorry to vent, and maybe I have a little bit of post-holiday blues, but I cannot stop crying over this. My mom has been prejudiced against anyone except white people for as long as I can remember, and I've always hated it. She knows how I feel, how angry, sad, and incensed it makes me, but she will not stop talking that way in my presence. I laid down an ultimatum that she will NEVER talk that way in front of my son, and she has always begrudgingly complied. Sometimes I think she'll make a biggoted remark in front of me just to make me mad. In the last few years, I've tried to let a lot of things slide with her because she's had a lot of health issues, but a phone conversation with her today was the last straw. Without going into detail, we called to say Happy New Year (parents live 700 miles away--maybe a good thing?), and she proceeded to tell me how a "stupid (racial epithet) woke me up at midnight with a wrong number", and "why do they let people into the country who don't even speak English?"!!! I just can't listen to that crap, and I told her so, and how I didn't want to be part of any conversation where words like that are being used. She told me I was full of "you-know-what", and hung up on me. I love my mom. The last thing I want to be is disrespectful. But if I allow her to speak to me that way, I feel as though I'm just as bad as if I'd be saying those things myself. She's 68, and I know she'll never change. I truly believe in the "Honor Your Mother and Father" Commandment, but I just can't be a part of such hate-speak. We've all seen what damage this does in this world, and it makes me so sad that in a small way, my mom contributes to it. I'm so sorry for such a long post. And maybe I've blown this way out of proportion. But I've been listening to her speak this way about people for 36 years now, and today (right or wrong) it finally all came out. I just feel so sad. Why can't we all just care for each other no matter what? I sincerely hope I haven't offended anyone with my post. I hope you all have a Happy, Hopeful New Year.

 

[Snow White]

I'm sorry you are so upset, I would feel the same way if my mom did that! I'm glad you feel so strongly about it and that you will be teaching your children to treat others with respect no matter where they are from or the color of their skin! At least you haven't carried her mannerisms onto future generations in your family, good for you for taking a stand, but also for still respecting and honoring your mother.

 

[minniecarousel]

I don't know what I'd do in your situation. I'm glad that there's no one in my life who is like that. She sounds like a very unhappy person. Obviously, you need to limit your contact with her. Good luck.

 

[mamajoan]

Sorry to hear that your mom "got your goat" again with her hateful behavior. I am glad that you realize that you love her. That is important. You can love someone without liking them.
I have dealt with the behavior you speak of.. with my family. Mine was more personal as my husband is black and my kids bi-racial. Hurts like hec to here some of the ridiculous names, ideas, and slurs that used to come out of people's mouths.
You have made it clear to her that you do not want to hear that kind of talk around your son.. make it clear that you do not want to hear it either. Firmly tell her that you love her but will no longer tolerate her bigoted language.Let her know that you know that she is a kind and loving woman but this language truly lets out her bad side. Tell her that each and every time you have to stop a conversation, walk away or politely hang up the phone. Positive reinforcement= when she is avoiding the bigotry... maybe you can talk with her longer, do something a little special for her. Let her know that you notice she is trying to cut back on her nasty remarks. Nothing showy, just quietly acknowledge good behavior. Sometimes it works.. sometimes it doesn't. Either way you are showing her that you have a strong will.
Keep the lines of communication open, never shut her out completely... she is your mom.. and it is AOK to love her with all of her faults too.
Best wishes for a great 2003
Joan

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think you know that she won't change, so let it go....be free. I know easier said than done. It is like my sis. I would like a closer relationship, she does not. I keep trying to remain calm about my own attitude toward the situation and just when I think I have it...BAM, I let my guard down and get hit with her hi-jinks.

Don't beat yourself up too much. Here is a {{{HUG}}}!

 

[Serena]

{{{{hugs}}}} Kim.

 

[EROS]

luvmydogs, THERE ARE BIGOTS ON THE DIS AS WELL . I choose to see them as sick, misled, sanctimonious people who often hide their hatred and evil behind a veil of goodness.

It's hard to confront such qualities in a parent, but I respect your efforts to let your love for your mother flow regardless; you're clearly a loving person

 

[Girls Scout Leader]

And I know darned well that it would do no good to point out that unless she is either Native American or 100% English, chances are that her ansestors did not speak English when they arrived here. If she doesn't like living in a "soup pot" country than she can go back top where ever SHE came from!

Yeah, I know, it will do no good at all....

 

[caitycaity]

i'm sorry. i know how that goes; over xmas, mil was complaining about "(insert racial epithet for hispanic people here) town." i had to pick my chin up off the floor!

 

[tedsmom]

EROS,does your ridiculousness ever stop????

luvmydogs...my apologies for other posters who attempt to derail your thread by their rantings that have nothing to do with your original post. A shame that when you're looking for some support or validation, you get the same old "stuff".

Such a difficult situation with your mom!
So hard when someone you love has a habit you don't like. I'd have to second mamjoan's good advice. She's a smart lady, and I can't say it any better!

 

[one_cat]

Being respectful doesn't mean letting your parents walk all over you. I think you did the right thing and you should be commended. Confronting parents - in a respectful way - is the most difficult thing many of us ever have to do. It's very very difficult to parent your parents. Just remember, only children have to obey their parents. The rest of us have to respect our parents but make our own decisions and direction in life.

 

[shortbun]

So sorry! I've had to caution both sets of
grandparents about their racism/bigotry around our
child too. DMIL actually has made enormous progress.
I'm proud of her and wish the others would try as
hard as she does. I respect her for the work she's done.
Good luck and stick with it-you never know, people can
change if they see it as bettering themselves.
mimi

 

[cassie]

luvmydogs, How commendable you never inheirited her racisim. It must be hard dealing with that kind of talk. If you had to tell her off, Mother or not, you did good babe.

I grew up in a small town near Boston that was made up mainly of Irish families. It was not a bigoted town. After graduation I started working at the phone co in Boston, and finally I was working and meeting people of other races. This was in the sixties and racial segragation was big in the news. Being a "suburb bred girl" I couldn't understand this hate business.

My kids were brought up to respect people regardless of their heritage. They are both in their 30's now, and I have yet to hear any racism remarks in their conversations.

You'll probably never change your Mom, but hopefully she'll learn to control her tongue around you and your family.

 

[WillyJ]

First of all luvmydogs, let me say how I sure can understand how upsetting and sad this situation is for you. Of course you love your mother and want some kind of relationship with her, but on the other hand, you are under no obligation to be subjected to her racist remarks- honoring one's parents does not mean having to accept or go along with immoral and insulting behaviors.

You know what I would do? Keep calling her, but every time she makes a racist remark, don't challenge it, just immediately end the conversation. . say "okay Mom; love you- gotta go now."

It is probably unlikely you can change her attitudes, but maybe after a while she'll realize that if she wants to have any kind of a loving or even civil relationship with you, she will have to adjust her behavior when interacting with you..

Anyway, just a thought. . . it's a very difficult thing to deal with I'm sure, and my heart goes out to you. . .

 

[luvmydogs]

Thank you everyone for all your wise and caring words. You have no idea how much I appreciate them. Seeing such an ugly side of my mom--someone I love so much--is unbelievably heartbreaking. I was so sad yesterday, but your kindnesses have made all the difference. Much of your advice and experiences I have taken to heart, and I thank you all, once again, for taking the time to care.

 

[cinlee3]

My MIL is a bigot as well. She says things about her own (hispanic) it just amazes me. She changed her kids last name because she didn't want them to experience prejudice when they moved to Texas, but then she turns around and does the same thing.

I love my MIL but I won't let her talk that way around me. DH has confronted her.

I wish you the best with the relationship with your mother.