My marriage is ending, could use some kind words and advice

[Dan Murphy]

Tracey, I have no additional thoughts to add here at all, but can offer an additional hug for you both. I do hope things go well, you will be in my prayers.

I am always amazed at the mass of good info that seemingly comes out on thrreads like this, good, helpful people here, willing to share and help.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

I'll just keep my reply plain and simple:

pray and ask the Father for help and guidance and I promise everything will work out better than you expect.

Blessings to you and your son....and to your DH.

 

[Serena]

Take things on day at a time. And make some fun plans for your future. A goal, something, anything to look forward to.

 

[Duchie]

I don't have any advice, all I can offer is

 

[Esmerelda]

OH tmli....first off...I'm sending you a hug...sounds like you could use one right now

Unfortunately, I've been in your shoes. Just 5 years ago I divorced my husband of 15 years. He was verbally/mentally abusive to me really bad and at times..physically abusive to our two sons. There was never any excuse for the things he did while we were married. His temper was unbelievable. As a matter of fact, when we divorced, he was instructed to go thru an anger management course to learn how to control himself. He always made good money 70K or more...and I worked part time and did everything else. The house...the kids...the meals...the laundry...the yard (its big)...the vehicles (good thing I paid attention to my dad all those younger years!)...you name it..I did it. I also had two very ill children when they were growing up. My first son has severe asthma...second one had horrible reflux for over 2 years. I took care of them and sat up with them every night...took them to the dr...you name it...I was there. I would't put anything before my boys EVER. My ex...is probably the most selfish man I've ever seen to be 40....he is pathetic. He now turns down nights with his kids so he can go on a date...???? Ok...whats more important here...a date or my boys...hmmmm...what an idiot!!!!

I don't know the particular laws in your state but my guess is you will also have a formula that is filled out. (my lawyer showed me exactly how this works..he was awesome). Its based on how you are currently living: your house payment..car payment...utility bills...etc. You will get some sort of support from your husband. If you have a special needs child...that would (I'm guessing) mean more support because of his medical needs. I am hoping you get a good lawyer. Word of advice..watch your money right now!!!

As much as you don't want to hear this...my thought is: why would you want to remain married to someone that doesn't want to be and shows you no respect? Life is too short and we ALL deserve to be happy. I have no regrets about ending my marriage. It was the smartest thing I've ever done. I'm such a happier person now...and so are my boys. Watch out for yourself financially because I have seen many girls end up with nothing whatsoever because they "believed" there hubbies were nice guys....(NOT...). You have to think about your son and your future. Do not EVER sign anything without your lawyer looking over it...doesn't matter what he says it could be.

On the flip side: I will forget what my ex put me and my kids thru all those years but I will probably never forgive. I kept to myself for a long long time. Last year in Jan, after encouragement from co-workers...I joined an online service called Match.com. I actually met my prince there April of 03 and he proposed to me June of 04. He is absolutely the most wonderful caring man I've ever known and my boys adore him. We are planning our first trip here to Disney in about 6 weeks and cannot wait. Believe me...I never thought I would meet anyone after my ex. The ex even tried the old line that "nobody would want used goods....".....well guess he can eat those words now.

I only shared the above to show you that there is so much more out there for you and your son. Everyone deserves to be happy....everyday!! If you are not happy...then its time to move on. One more thing: don't plan on living with your ex spouse, what a disaster that would be for all 3 of you....think about it. You need your own space.

healing hugs....
Esmerelda

 

[tmli]

Thanks Esmeralda for your kind words. I think I am still in the place of disbelief. I can't believe that this is happening to our family. Honestly though as I look back now there were signs. I don't believe he has had an affair yet. I do believe if the marriage continued as it was it probably would have came to that. I mistakenly thought I could fix him and make him happy. I know now that we all have to take responsibility for ourselves, we can't look to others for our sense of self worth. Now I have to begin the practice of putting these things into action. I have let him shape my opinion of me and that is not okay.

I have decided we will try the sharing of the house for a 2 mth trial. I have set out guidelines which I believe he will have trouble following. Things like you must not come into my bed---even just to talk. I want his things moved to the bsmt and I want him to sllep down there--currently he is sleeping in my ds's room. I think this will be best for my ds for now. He is a very complex child but I believe he will be least affected by this. His emotions tend to me motivated by how things directly change his day to day life. I am hoping by sharing the house we will cause him the least amount of change. Other guidelines include things like laundry etc he is responsible for his own. He actually asked again what's for dinner tonight....I think it will take a bit for him to realize that he doesn't get the best of both worlds. But I will stay firm on these things. He said I still need a home cooked meal once in awhile---I told him to take a cooking class!!

 

[Chrissi Pooh]

I just wanted to say good for you for taking charge of your life and wanting to make the best life for you and your son. Don't lose sight of what you want and stand your ground with the rules you have set, IMO I think they seem pretty resonable.

Good Luck to you!!

 

[tmli]

Also, I will be working from home as soon as I am physically able. In the meantime he is going to do the work for me so I don't lose the position. It is $15/hr but the good thing is that it costs me nothing to make that money. I don't have to have an office wardrobe, pay a sitter, have the extra expense of lunches etc. The work can be done when my ds is sleeping. It will average 25-30 hrs a week with some times being slower/busier than others.

WHile sharing the house I will be responsible for the hydro and phone bill, and the majority of food. He will pay for anything special as far as food goes he wants, and all other household bills including the mortgage and my vehicle lease. I will pay for my ds's clothes etc he will pay for anything above that. I also told him that if this arrangement didn't work that I expected to be the one to stay in the house while he went to get an apartment, and that he would be responsible for the mortgage. I also stated that when it came time to sell the house I would agree to a 80/20 split in the proceeds to compensate for him paying the mortgage until my ds turns 21. He seems a little shocked about what I am asking but I have gotten stength here, and have told him that I will not allow a significant change in my lifestyle because of his choices.

Do we need to get a legal seperation right away? Is there any protection for me in doing that immediately or does it not make a difference? Has anyone used the do it yourself kits? If we can agree to everything and get it in writing will this hold up if he contests it later? Are they legal and binding?

Also can someone explain to me the different types of custody? I think there is a difference in legal and physical custody but I am not certain of the details?

Sorry so many questions but being proactive is one of my coping skills and I am doing my best to stay afloat!

You know I am not sure if I will miss him or the dream of what I wish we had. I can't stop thinking about him being with someone else and that makes me real bitter. WIll that go away in time? Is it normal to not want him with someone else but to not be sure I want him either. Boy am I messed up!!

 

[tmli]

Thanks Chrissi and all the others who have offered encouragement. I am posting so much can you tell how much I needed to talk to someone about all this? The first day when he told me I said I am all alone, what do I do? Now after posting here I am so glad to report I was wrong.

 

[NMAmy]

Originally posted by tmli
. He actually asked again what's for dinner tonight....I think it will take a bit for him to realize that he doesn't get the best of both worlds. But I will stay firm on these things. He said I still need a home cooked meal once in awhile---I told him to take a cooking class!!

Good for you! This happened to me when my ex and I separated. He came over to pick up dd and I had made homemade spaghetti. He was hinting around about having some and said, "Wow, that smells great. You know spaghetti is one of my favorites." I just smiled and said, "Yep, it IS great. But no more of my spaghetti for you EVER again!"

And if you want to go to WDW, go. It will give you something to look forward to. When I separated, my sister paid for dd and I to come visit her and go to Disneyland. It was great for both me AND for dd. I was very isolated and it gave dd some time with family and something else to think about. And me too. It was nice to know the whole world did not revolve around my divorce.

 

[tmli]

DisneyJules,

Thank you for your post...I needed to be reminded that this will impact him forever. The good news the bitterness right now is mine and that I have to control me...the bad news is the bitterness is mine and I have to control me!!!!


We have agreed to do a better job co-parenting then we did when we were married. We never seemed to be on the same page. I promise you though I will put his needs before my own.

Amy, you are right about going. My ds and I need it. He thrives at WDW and is so looking forward to it. We will be going, and we will probably have an even better time because my dh won't be calling 5 times a day like on previous trips!

 

[CJK]

I'm so sorry not to be able to offer any advice, but I just wanted to give my best wishes and concern. Do take care of yourself during this difficult time.

 

[mickeyboat]

I am glad you both were able to come to come sort of arrangement for the time being. But I really agree with previous posters who said you need to get an attorney to work out a final settlement.

I would hate to see your husband take advantage of you, or have the opportunity to turn on you or change his mind in the future. You need to protech your and your son's futures.

Good luck to you. And hugs!

Denae

 

[Trish Bessette]

Tmli - Tracey -

You are getting good advice here and I'm so happy it is giving you strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I do have to say, your son is so very lucky to have you as his mom! You need to pat yourself on your back.

Unfortunately I am dealing with a separation situation with my dad and step-mom. They just signed a separation agreement, although I don't know the reason why you need it. I believe it is to protect what you have decided to do (living arrangements, bills, etc)

Best of luck to you. The feeling bitter part is normal. Unfortunately, as long as he is still living in the house with you, you will continue to have the feelings longer than if you were living separately.

Take it one day at a time. Wake up each morning remembering the GOOD THINGS you have in your life, your son, his smile, the sun shining, your strenght, a good cup of coffee.

 

[Christine]

I'm not sure if this was posted, but I think it is important to *officially* document that you are separated (even when living in the same home). In any marriage, especially ones with children, there are specific time requirements for the official separation before the divorce can be actually finalized. I know it doesn't seem important now, but two years down the road you may be dying for that divorce to be final and you might be kicking yourself that you didn't document the separation in a timely manner. As others have said, get yourself to a lawyer ASAP.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I'm glad things are looking up. It sounds like maybe your dh is tired of the tough times, but not really wanting a divorce. Have you been in counseling. Even an excellent marriage would be struggling with what you are dealing with. About the living in the same house. I think it might seem ok at first. But it will be very hard on you if he moves on. What if he starts bringing home dates? How will you feel.
However, I also see that it seems like the best solution, short term anyway, for your son. Please do see a lawyer. If you are seperated, you should be eligible for legal aid.

 

[Abracadabra]

Life is sometimes unfair and bad things happen to good people, often for no apparent reason. Don't judge the success of your life by the result of your marriage; there is a lot more to your life than that, even though it is a major, important part of your life.

Separation and divorce are extremely high stress-inducing situations, so it is vital that you take care of yourself, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually during this time. It is not selfish during this time to think of and take care of yourself. You have to be in the best condition to care for your son.

Don't suppress your emotions. It is sometimes a natural inclination in these situations, but it can make things worse in the long run. Try to work through them, remembering they are a natural part of life. You are losing something important and precious to you, so it is natural to go through a grieving process.

You might want to try journaling. Sometime writing things down can help get them off your chest, and release you from their bondage.

 

[Chicago526]

Get EVERYTHING in writing! If he is offering to pay the car lease and buy you a new one when it runs out, have him sign a paper and get it noterized. Anything he says he is willing to give up, give to you, or pay you, get it writen down!

Get your name off any joint credit cards, and make sure he can't open up new ones in your name! Call the credit brueaus and have them block your SS# so no new accounts can be opened. Trust me on this, and here's why:

My best friend's parents divorsed when she and her sister were in high school (he was having an affair with her mom's best friend, prince of a fellow!). And this right after the mom used part of her inheritance from her own father to pay back his company money he had been stealing for years so he wouldn't get fired or go to jail!

He was so desperate to get out of the marriage ASAP that he signed over EVERYTHING in the house, except his own personal clothing. The only stipulation was that when/if she sold the house, he got have the profits from the sale. He walked away with the clothes on his back, and nothing else. He had agreed to pay child support until the kids graduated high school, and he agreed to pay 2/3 of all college costs (mom to pay the other 1/3).

But, on the "way out of town" he emptied his own daughters savings accounts, ran up the mom's credit cards to the max, then tried to sue in court for half of the remaining inheritance she got from her father (it was in a trust, so he couldn't touch though). Eventually he did have to pay back his daughters the money he stole from them, but mom was stuck paying of the credit cards he ran up.

Then, when my friend was in college, he refused to pay her college costs as agreed because she went to an expensive ($20,000 a year) private school rather than an $8,000 state school. The judge not only made him pay, but told him if he tried to fight it again, he'd make him pay it all! (and all this happened while buying his new step-son a brand new Jeep).

In short, because my friend's mom had it in writing, he wasn't able to pull nearly as much cr@p as he would have without the documentation.

 

[tmli]

Thank you for more great advice.

I never get the quoting thing right, but Abracadrabra your words touched my heart. "Don't judge the success of your life by the result of your marriage" Sounds simple but I needed to hear that.

 

[puffkin]

Tracey,

I had posted previously about seeing a lawyer, and I really think that you should do that with the arrangements you have made with your husband. Like I said before, I am around this everyday and no matter how amicable it starts, it almost always (95% of the time) doesn't end that way. I know it may cost a little money now, but it will save you so much in the long run. Just an idea, but here are some of the things that "could" go wrong in your situation:

1. Your husband agrees to pay your car lease. If your name is on the lease and he doesn't pay it, your credit can go down the tubes. Same with any other bills your name is associated with.

2. He can wipe out any joint accounts, investments, 401k plans, ect.

3. If you make any major purchases or receive any kind of inheritance or something like that, he would be entitled to half because it is marital property.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I would definitely see a lawyer and protect yourself. No matter what he says, it can always turn sour. I can't emphasize this enough! Please, I see horror stories about this everyday at work. Please give yourself the upperhand in this matter. At least speak to a lawyer and get a professional opinion. No matter what your husband says, you need to look out for yourself and your son.