My marriage is ending, could use some kind words and advice

[bsnyder]

Originally posted by tmli

My ds adores him and he is the best father he can be. Not always the ideal but I truly believe he has tried his best.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a very tough situation to be in.

I hope you'll keep the above in mind at all times. Yes, the financial aspects are important, but the most important thing, if you do end up divorcing, is that you and your DH learn how to co-parent after the marriage has ended. It's the single most important thing you can do for your child at thsi point and something that no amount of money can compensate for.

I'd suggest joint counseling or co-parenting classes, but make sure you find a very competent family therapist. It will be money and time well spent.

 

[tmli]

Again thanks so much for your good thoughts and advice. I have to step out now but will respond more when I return.

Wow, Maryann, that is really good to hear what you are going through. I really have the same thoughts about watching him move on with his life. That is exactly how I am feeling. I too believe my parents would help guide me in taking him to the cleaners and I am not ready for all that yet.

Perhaps I will pm you as we are still sharing a computer and I don't want to use email right now.

 

[delswife]

You have already gotten some great advice. I just wanted to give you a hug.

 

[snoopy]

I'm so sorry for the breakup of your marriage and the upheavel of your life.

Any chance of getting a job at your son's school?

 

[VAN]

If you do proceed with a divorce, I would suggest trying to negotiate a time period where you can go back to school to get a degree that would qualify you for some sort of job that would allow you the flexible hours to care for your son.

Again, I second the idea that you need a good lawyer and also, if possible, counseling for both of you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time.

 

[mt2]

mt2

 

[mickeyboat]

from me too.

Denae

 

[DisneyJules]

I thought I'd put my two cents in, coming from divorced parents. You brought up some really good points and thought up some situations that I wished my parents had thought up when they got divorced. Even if you son didn't have special needs, stability is key in a child's life. I greatly admire the fact that you're willing to do the moving. And yes it's so important to not yell in front of your son, it's ok behind close doors when he is not around. Divorce is already so hard on kids and believe it to be a parents job to ensure that the kids come out as emotionally intact as possible after the divorce. Working together with your husband instead of against is really important (as tough as that one can be) You're both the parents of your son and that will never change, so work together and be civil and no game playing. My mother continues to put myself and my siblings in the middle (even though I'm nearly 21) and enough is enough. It doesn't bring me closer to her. My dad on the other hand has always been so careful to sort of shield us from any "grownup" business that we should not implicate ourselves in.
Hugs to you and your family.

 

[Patio]

Just wanted to give some more.....

 

[poohandwendy]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, it must be so painful. I'm glad you reached out here, sometimes it feels like there is nowhere to turn and I understand about having a hard time involving family. I think there has been some really good advice posted here and some really good thoughts on becoming co-parents after the breakup of the family.

I think a counsellor and atty would be the first place I would start. I would also inform whomever deals with your son (ie school teachers) that this is happening so they can keep a closer eye on how he handles it all. There are many jobs that offer flexible hours, just be upfront with what you can do. I think working in your sons school or even another school would be a great idea.

Hugs to you, as much as it seems like an overwhelming black cloud hanging over you, this too shall pass.

 

[princess pooh]

I'm so sorry this is happening

 

[ripleysmom]

You agree with the recommendation about contacting an attorney, not only to help with a settlement but also to possibly see about getting some type of governmental stipend or assistance so that you can be available for your son's needs.

One other thing, does his school have a Social Worker or some other type of administrator in that capacity? There may be some programs for single parents which you might not be aware of.

I am sorry for your divorce. An Autistic child can place quite a strain on a marriage, whether it is strong or not.

Good Luck!!

 

[RitaZ.]

No advice to offer, just some .

Hang in there.

 

[MichDISer]

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry.

I think that if there is any way that the 2 of you could work out the situation with him in the basement, that would probably be the least disruptive thing to your son.
At least you would both be there for him and he wouldn't have to move around or change schools, friends, etc....

 

[Tuffcookie]

Tracey, Is it Asperger's that your DS has? Somewhere in my information (my son was recently diagnosed with it),I believe I read that it can be inherited from biological dad. Do you think your husband could have it too or be suffering from depression? Maybe he needs medical help.
Sorry to speculate here...If that's not the problem I strongly suggest counselling, if he's willing.
Hugs to you!

TC

 

[ahutton]

Tuffcookie mentioned what I was thinking... Maybe some private counseling for DH, and then joint/family for you and he, and for you both with your son. I really sounds a great deal like some depression issues with the "I don't know" "maybe it is this?" answers in the conversations. Perhaps if DH will consider talking to a professional you can not only help him, but also his relationships with you and DS. I sounds a lot like he isn't sure what he wants, or how to get it, and that may help. Then if divorce is still the best resolution for all of you, a means of communicating and how it impacts each of you will already be in place and hopefully that will make the transition easier. Lots of hugs and PD...

 

[NMAmy]

I just wanted to give you a hug.

A divorce is devastating enough--the rest of your situation must make you feel so helpless.

One thing that helped me through my divorce was this: You can't change someone else's behavior, you can only change your reaction to it.

I wish you all the very best. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

 

[auntpolly]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this!

I just helped a friend through a marital problem -- her husband was having an affair and she thought she was getting divorced. She was so sad and mixed up. I think she felf very powerless but I kept reminding her that she wasn't. I kept saying; "What do <i>you</i> want right now? She kept forgetting she had any choices at all.

She joined a support group and found it incredibly comforting. Why don't you look for one right away. Even after my friend's husband telling her he was leaving, that he didn't love her anymore, and all kinds of mess, they ended up <i>not</i> getting divorced. Their marriage has changed, but it's good. So you never know what's going to happen. Just take care of yourself right now!

 

[LadyTrampScamp&Angel]

I'm not knowledgeable about divorce or Canadian laws so I don't really have advice. Just wanted to offer some support. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Saying a prayer for you.

 

[Scratch42]

So for all your heartache.

Prayers and Pixie Dust on their way.

Scratch