My marriage is ending, could use some kind words and advice

[cabmom]

TMLI, I've sent you a pm.

 

[Kitty 34]

I'm sorry you are going thru such a rough time. {{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[mbw12]

I really have no advice on this...I am no expert at all. But just wanted to send you out a hug and let you know that you do have many "girlfriends' here to talk to!
Bobbi

 

[RadioNate]

Originally posted by tmli
.

Honestly I think he has tried to change all the external things and he's still not happy...so it must be me.

Just so you know, it's HIM not you. He is choosing to be unhappy you aren't making him unhappy! This was hard for me to understand until I took responsiblity for my own depression and unhappiness!

Hang in there

 

[tmli]

Again all I can say is WOW!!! I am so grateful for all of your kind words and advice.

I definitely agree this his issue he has to find happiness within himself you can't do that for another person. But while my mind knows this my heart feels rejected and my spirit feels wounded.

NMamy, that is also a philosophy of mine Thank You for reminding me.

Tuffcookie, my ds does have Aspergers as well as SID, OCD and a major fear and anxiety disorder. We have also just discovered his fine and gross motor skills are way behind. My dh definitely has either Aspergers or a similar disorder, never officially diagnosed as well as an anxiety disorder. He went to counselling for awhile but didn't stick with it. I have lived with the reprecussions of his conditions our entire marriage....honestly thinking that eventually he would get it under control and things would improve. He is becoming more aware and improving, our financial situation has stabilized and now he's leaving. I feel betrayed because I helped get him where he is thinking my sacrifices would be rewarded.

I was actually hoping to do alot of this without a lawyer...I think that may be a little naive of me. A counsellor for me will be a good idea even if we don't attend marriage counselling....I also never thought of finding a support group...NOW.

We are talking tonight about options I will once more ask if there is hope and if counselling is an option. I asked him a very direct question yesterday...If there was a way that we could stay married, get along and be happy would I be the person you want to be with. His answer "I don't Know" kind of says alot.

There is some work I will be able to do for the company he works for. They need someone to do programming and stuff that is done from home. It pays pretty good and the work can only be done at night and on weekends. The good part is I don't have to leave the house to do it. The down side is it is not guaranteed hours. So while some weeks would be 40 hrs other weeks may be 10. My dh also has contacts at the local school board that he is looking into. I think even working from home I want to either go back to school, take a class...something. I have been very isolated and lonely. My dh works 60 hr weeks and I have been wrapped up in the needs of my ds. I long ago lost myself and I'd like to get back in touch with me. I need outside contact.

So far my dh has offered to continue to pay the lease on my vehicle and insurance, when it is up he will replace it with something new. I'm thinking I need this in writing....he can say what ever he wants now what happens later if he starts a new family? We haven't decided past that. I told him I would let him know what I want. I have told him that it is unfair for my lifestyle to make a drastic change and that I expected his to change as well.

 

[vacationman]

If you have a local, dynamic church - go there and get counseling.

 

[NMAmy]

Originally posted by tmli
\ But while my mind knows this my heart feels rejected and my spirit feels wounded.

I asked him a very direct question yesterday...If there was a way that we could stay married, get along and be happy would I be the person you want to be with. His answer "I don't Know" kind of says alot.


So far my dh has offered to continue to pay the lease on my vehicle and insurance, when it is up he will replace it with something new. I'm thinking I need this in writing....he can say what ever he wants now what happens later if he starts a new family? We haven't decided past that. I told him I would let him know what I want. I have told him that it is unfair for my lifestyle to make a drastic change and that I expected his to change as well.

Oh, tmli, I know how you feel and I know it's hard to believe, but things WILL get better and you will be happy again no matter what happens now. I wish someone had told me that because it's very difficult to believe when you're going through this.

Please get everything in writing. And see an attorney. You need to protect not only yourself, but your child. My attorney gave me some excellent advice: He wants this, not you. You need to stop thinking like his wife and giving in to his every demand.

And please know that it's him. It's not your fault. Don't beat yourself up. Oh, honey, I just wish you didn't have to go through this--it is such a terrible thing to bear.



Please know that you can always have someone to talk to here. I'm a pm away.

Best wishes,
Amy

 

[tmli]

We have an organization called the Catholic Family Counselling Center I think that would be the place to start. They also offer classes in co-parenting after a divorce that would be helpful.

When we talk tonight about what our living situation will be I will want to have clear guidelines that I insist be followed as well as a clear understanding of who will pay for what. If we choose to share the house do any of you have suggestions of what some of those guidelines should be. If we choose to let my ds stay here and my dh and I move back and forth, we would alternate between the house and an apartment we would share but never actually live in the same place together. Any opinions on guidelines in that situation.

If I say I want to keep the house, I can't afford the mortgage. I know he won't pay it if i am living here. I refuse to sign the house over to him for the little bit of equity we have in it. I think I may be being a little spiteful but I refuse to let him live in our house. Selfish I know.

 

[nativetxn]

I have no advice, for you. How about a {{{HUG}}}? I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this painful situation now.

Katholyn

 

[tmli]

Of course there's also the problem of my upcoming trip. He wasn't coming so that's not an issue but I would feel better if I had that money in my bank account right now. Everything is paid for, meal vouchers bought and spending money in my underwear drawer. I really need this trip and he says he doesn't want me to cancel but part of me would like the feel of having that $4000 in the bank as my own cushion.

Should I go or shouldn't I, there's a whole new piece of the puzzle.

 

[MELSMICE]

Pixie dust & hugs to you.

I have never gone through this, but my sister did. Things started out very civil, but unfortunately turned sour, so yes, see an attorney right away & get everything in writing. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but protect yourself & your DS.

As far as your trip, take it. Remember, if you get divorced, everything could be split down the middle, meaning he would get $2,000 anyway if that money was still in the bank. As long as everything is planned & paid for, then take the trip for yourself. Leave your problems at home & try to enjoy yourself.

Good luck!

 

[tmli]

Thank you melsmice, it is good sometimes to be told exactly what you want to hear. I want to go, I have lots of time to "be reponsible" later.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think you need to decide what you want out of this situation, from many angles. You are syaing that you'd be willing to go to counselling to try and save the marriage, but, for some reason, I don't get the feeling that your "heart" is in it. I almost get the feeling that you'd rather have the marriage stay together because it makes all the other stuff (dealing with your son, your health issues etc) easier. That is not necessarily a bad thing, and it's very understandable since you have alot on your plate to cope with alone, but perhaps this is your chance to make a better life for yourself. Perhaps your husband's "downness" all these years has been dragging you down. Some of the things you have shared made me think "boy, that guy sounds like he's been a drag for a long time". As far as his problems...well, they are his problems and his choices, and you were certainly good enough, nice enough, caring enough and whatever enough. Don't start the self-blame cycle. People make choices, and he made his.

As far as living arrangements, I don't see how any moving can occur for either one of you if you are sharing the same house. Maybe the apartment idea is a better one, although that also seems like it would be a lot of upheaval for your son. He'd still be in the same house, but one week Mom and one week Dad...I don't know...sounds kind of like a mish-mash to me.

I have a neighbor who is a marriage and family therapist, and she also recommends divorce mediation as a way of resolving divorce issues, if you think you 2 can really be fair and civil to each other.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

As far as your trip, take it.

If you want my honest opinion, I disagree. Is the money in cash? If so take it to your Mom or a close friend to keep for you. Don't put it in a bank account because he very well might take it then. Use it for a good attorney.

You are going to need some really good advice on how to proceed. Honestly, I don't think your husband is allowed to say "well I'll pay your car lease and this but I won't agree to let you do _______ whatever." If he isn't married to you, then he doesn't get to control you.

You need to sit down long and hard and come up with a really good estimate of what it costs to raise your son. And then you are going to have to decided what his fair portion of that cost might be. Don't forget, your time transporting him to and from school - that is a cost. If husband wants you to get a job during those hours, then he is going to have to help pay for the person you both find to do it or he is going to have to quit his job to pitch in.

Opportunity costs of better paying jobs that you give up in order to physically be there for your son....those are completely valid considerations when determining fair share. As for jobs, I'd try to find something self-employed that you can set your own hours. Housecleaning, personal shopping, petsitting, an errand business, start looking around now.

In short, you need a professional to advise you through this. I'd interview several different lawyers to get their opinions.

 

[tmli]

DisneyDoll, there is alot of truth to your observations. I am feeling alot of the things you have mentioned.

Toby's friend, you have given me some real practical advice. The money right now is all tied up in the trip...we prepaid the rooms, flights passes etc. while some of it can be liquidated it is my sisters wedding and I'm the Maid of Honor. However the cash would be a help right now. I will take into consideration your points when i make the final decision.

Thanks to you both.

 

[dizneycc]

 

[DisneyJules]

Originally posted by RadioNate
This was hard for me to understand until I took responsiblity for my own depression and unhappiness!

You are SO right! I'm just going through an anxiety program at the moment and that's exactly what they talk about. Just in the last couple weeks I've learnt to really take responsibility for my own unhappiness and depression and it has made a world of a difference! Good point!!!

 

[Kallison]

I'm an aide in a middle school, myhours are 8am until 2:30 pm, no way could I get one day off a week and several hours off a week. I get liberal sick time, but when that runs out, my Mom pitches in with the kids. Do not make $30K, but have good benefits for the whole family. I make 1/2 of that. Good luck.

 

[MELSMICE]

Have you thought about looking for a job that enables you to work out of your home.

Also, someone mentioned cleaning homes. Not a glamorous job, however, you can make your own hours & probably earn a decent living. In my area, cleaning people charge an average of $30/hour - remember, that's the average - some are more, some are less. Even at $25/hour at 4 hours a day that's $100 per day.
This could be a viable option for you if you don't mind doing it.

 

[slo]

Hugs and prayers from all of us on The DIS