My in-laws have 0% respect...

[mykidsand_i]

The other option is for you and your family to go on vacation somewhere and make sure all the doors and windows are locked when your IL's show up at your house .

I love this option. That's kind of what we did for Christmas!!!! They didn't 'invite' themselves for Christmas, but they were 'hinting around' about them coming here. We went to Universal Studios for a week so we could enjoy our actual Christmas week instead! Then, we invited them when we got back to come and stay 2 nights. If we invited them over C-Mas, we knew they'd try to stay longer- because FIL didn't go back to work until after New Years...we had a good plan.

 

[Gigi22]

I agree--to the OP, if your FIL and MIL decide to shun your family for months--enjoy the peace and quiet! And, if your DH is dealing with his family, could you nicely suggest to him that he tell his parents that their drama routine has gotten really old, and if they want to remain in touch, they should start behaving like the adults they are? We have given my MIL that news, and she got so furious, she doesn't talk to us any more--and the peace and quiet is glorious!!! Should have done it years ago!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My experience with bad in-laws:
When the stuff hits the fan, the spouse usually sides with his family. Tread carefully.

I wish my husband would stop doing that with his in-laws.


(for those a little slow this morning--that would be my dad and my step-mom. I'm ready to cut them out and he keeps giving them chances.)

 

[Wishing on a star]

My DH never told them. Neither did I. I'm mad at my mom for telling them as much as she did. My mom is aware of it. I've spoken to her about it in the past. can't tell my in-laws anything, she should have known better.

You need to deal with your mom then, and let your DH deal with his...

PS: I am an expressive person who vents... I understand that!!! (no need for personal attack) It wasn't the venting or the length of the post... it was the content ( the explaining and defending oneself, instead of venting about the actual situation ) that I was referring to.

PS: Everyone here is right...
You and your DH need to learn how to, in a very self assured and mature manner, establish and defend your personal boundaries.

 

[scottishduffy]

My MIL is also very similar, thankfully DH always is willing to take her on.

We hd an 8 month silence between the two of them and it was wonderful! DH and MIL had a massive argument that resulted in the silence. MIL had been berating DH for not appreciating a christmas gift she gave him when was 4, for not having a front row seat at his first communion, for not enjoying some beach she took him to when he was 6. MIL never had custody of Dh as a child and although she abandoned them then, she regrets it now. He demanded 3 thing from her: 1)no trash talk about his father, his step-mom, or me. 2) No yelling at him for things he may have done as a child 3) She will not make demands of him, their relationship shall that of two adults... not as parent/child. That time is past.

It was 8 months of silence where she said DH was dead to her but recently she made contact again and is thus far abiding by all rules. At first it was a bit rough as she tried her best to get us have a reaction and speak to her, but DH held strong in the silence until she could abide. Now her behavior is much better. We shall see how long this lasts but the silence was beautiful! The least stress I have had in a while.!

 

[EMom]

I wouldn't even go for letting them stay in a hotel. They will RUIN the visit with you family, no doubt about it. You must nip this "inviting themselves" thing in the bud. Nip it! Nip it! Nip it!

 

[mykidsand_i]

My hubby just called to tell me his brother sent him an e-mail. He'd just gotten off of the phone with their mom (My MIL) I laugh, because my husband JUST told me (after his mom called him to let him have it this morning) that "I'm sure she's going to call my brother and try to drag him into this now- that's all he needs!"

Well, she did. And it must have been just seconds after she got off the phone with my DH this morn. I feel bad for his bro. who lives 1/2 way across the USA and is struggling with his own issues right now (job loss due to the economy). Like he needs his mom calling him to vent about something that has nothing to do with him. She does this all the time to get people to 'take her side' and 'show her sympathy'...

Well, I'm happy to say it didnt' work. My BIL told her off he said that "there are more important things in the world than you throwing hissy fits to get your way!" "people live on the streets, have no money and some people can't even afford to feed their kids- and instead of trying to prevent MORE problems in the world, you CREATE THEM." Then, he told her not to call him until she can be respectful of everyone in her family.

I've never been so proud of my BIL before. So, she's gone from having two sons to talk to and a daughter that she won't speak to- to having ZERO kids who want to communicate with her.

When do people like this realize that it's THEM with the problem, not everyone else in the world?

Well, I'm now happy about how my spring and summer is shaping up to be. Carefree and no In-Laws to see! My hubby said he feels like a big brick has been lifted off both of his shoulders.

 

[manning]

yeah, he told them to stay in a hotel or they couldn't come. We'll see what they say about that. I'm sure my hubby will be the one she won't talk to now for a month or so until one of her other kids does something she doesn't like...then it'll be them she won't talk to for a month- she went for 2 years not talking to hubby's sister. What a waste. Life is too short to be stirring up fights with your kids constantly...

Something to look forward to, a month or so of peace and quiet !!!

 

[AmazingGrace]

When you're dealing with this woman, do not JADE.
Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.
You have no room at your house for MIL. That's all she needs to know. Don't engage her.

 

[Jennasis]

My hubby just called to tell me his brother sent him an e-mail. He'd just gotten off of the phone with their mom (My MIL) I laugh, because my husband JUST told me (after his mom called him to let him have it this morning) that "I'm sure she's going to call my brother and try to drag him into this now- that's all he needs!"

Well, she did. And it must have been just seconds after she got off the phone with my DH this morn. I feel bad for his bro. who lives 1/2 way across the USA and is struggling with his own issues right now (job loss due to the economy). Like he needs his mom calling him to vent about something that has nothing to do with him. She does this all the time to get people to 'take her side' and 'show her sympathy'...

Well, I'm happy to say it didnt' work. My BIL told her off he said that "there are more important things in the world than you throwing hissy fits to get your way!" "people live on the streets, have no money and some people can't even afford to feed their kids- and instead of trying to prevent MORE problems in the world, you CREATE THEM." Then, he told her not to call him until she can be respectful of everyone in her family.

I've never been so proud of my BIL before. So, she's gone from having two sons to talk to and a daughter that she won't speak to- to having ZERO kids who want to communicate with her.

When do people like this realize that it's THEM with the problem, not everyone else in the world?

Well, I'm now happy about how my spring and summer is shaping up to be. Carefree and no In-Laws to see! My hubby said he feels like a big brick has been lifted off both of his shoulders.

See? It can be done! I hope you guys take a page from the "Book of BIL" and deal with your MIL similarly. It will be very empowering.

 

[manning]

I bet MIL was a joy when she was growing up !!

 

[agnes!]

My hubby just called to tell me his brother sent him an e-mail. He'd just gotten off of the phone with their mom (My MIL) I laugh, because my husband JUST told me (after his mom called him to let him have it this morning) that "I'm sure she's going to call my brother and try to drag him into this now- that's all he needs!"

Well, she did. And it must have been just seconds after she got off the phone with my DH this morn. I feel bad for his bro. who lives 1/2 way across the USA and is struggling with his own issues right now (job loss due to the economy). Like he needs his mom calling him to vent about something that has nothing to do with him. She does this all the time to get people to 'take her side' and 'show her sympathy'...

Well, I'm happy to say it didnt' work. My BIL told her off he said that "there are more important things in the world than you throwing hissy fits to get your way!" "people live on the streets, have no money and some people can't even afford to feed their kids- and instead of trying to prevent MORE problems in the world, you CREATE THEM." Then, he told her not to call him until she can be respectful of everyone in her family.

I've never been so proud of my BIL before. So, she's gone from having two sons to talk to and a daughter that she won't speak to- to having ZERO kids who want to communicate with her.

When do people like this realize that it's THEM with the problem, not everyone else in the world?

Well, I'm now happy about how my spring and summer is shaping up to be. Carefree and no In-Laws to see! My hubby said he feels like a big brick has been lifted off both of his shoulders.

Yeah, and her name is "MIL" .

agnes!

 

[mykidsand_i]

She was a spoiled brat only child...her mom taught her how to act high and mighty. MIL has little to no friends- when her mom was alive 75% of my MIL's time was spent with her mom. Her mom bossed her and her husband around, lived 1 mile away from them and so now my MIL believes that's the way things need to be. When her mom passed away 5 years ago, her life was turned up side down- because she had no one (that's what she told everyone...even though she still has a husband who would bend over backwards for her!) My FIL is very independant and they live quite separate lives- he's retired, but is more busy now than he was when he worked for the post office!

That's why I believe so strongly that people need to have friends that are 'outside of the immediate family' (parents, brothers sisters, children)...

 

[Temair]

I suggest you let them know you will make accommodations for them. Say 2 twin air mattresses in the living room floor. If they don't want to do that, they are welcome to making other arrangements.

 

[cheermom1]

I would tell them the same thing..we do not have room! My parents nor my in laws do this to me but I have never allowed them to either. They all know I don't like drama and if you have it I won't let you in!!!

Just like when mil and her dh was going through their divorce she would often times say things to me and I would tell her I did not come her to hear about that but to visit...I always stopped it b4 it happened so now that they know me (7 years) it just doesn't happen b/c they know it is pointless.

keep repeating to to them "we do not have room." over and over till then get it.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Oh Honey you are giving too many people power over your life. Who cares what they think about your vacations? You don't have to justify it to them. When they start their comments simply tell them that how you spend your money is none of their business. The end. As for calling your Mom and inviting themselves, well, your DH needs to buck up and lay it on the line that it is not acceptable and behavior like that will not be tolerated. You are the ones that are allowing them to treat you like this. Nip it in the bud now. If they can't play nice then they can't play at all. Good luck.

 

[Sgt Mickey]

WTG BIL

 

[golfgal]

She was a spoiled brat only child...her mom taught her how to act high and mighty. MIL has little to no friends- when her mom was alive 75% of my MIL's time was spent with her mom. Her mom bossed her and her husband around, lived 1 mile away from them and so now my MIL believes that's the way things need to be. When her mom passed away 5 years ago, her life was turned up side down- because she had no one (that's what she told everyone...even though she still has a husband who would bend over backwards for her!) My FIL is very independant and they live quite separate lives- he's retired, but is more busy now than he was when he worked for the post office!

That's why I believe so strongly that people need to have friends that are 'outside of the immediate family' (parents, brothers sisters, children)...

I feel sorry for my nieces and nephew because this is exactly how my sister will act when she gets to this point. She is bad enough already having grown up being told she is nothing short of perfect . My niece is SO EXCITED because she gets to spend 3 weeks here this summer because the dance camp she wants to go to is near our house--my sister, however, just assumes we have the time to get her back and forth to camp every day. She has already told my niece she can stay here so we are kind of stuck.

 

[Wishing on a star]

... My BIL told her off he said that "there are more important things in the world than you throwing hissy fits to get your way!" "people live on the streets, have no money and some people can't even afford to feed their kids- and instead of trying to prevent MORE problems in the world, you CREATE THEM." Then, he told her not to call him until she can be respectful of everyone in her family.

WOW!!!!
Where is a big Standing Ovation Applause smiley!!!!!!!

OP, I know that in a way you are
But, I also know that in a way, this is tough...

I do think you guys are on the right track!!!

The other posters are right..
Simply DO NOT ENGAGE...
Just do not give people like this that amount of power over your life...
Do not feel that you owe her (or anyone) Justification Explanation
Defense, Etc.... (the things that I was noticing in your original post...)

This above paragraph is a revelation that is just SO freeing!

 

[mykidsand_i]

Yeah, it's hard because- well- they are family. And not just any second-cousins or what ever. This is my husbands mom and dad. It's hard for me to understand how he's getting through all of this. I am certainly not going to push him to do something that he's not happy or comfortable with, because I've seen that done WAYYYY too often and then the husband and wife are fighting constantly. I do believe that we're happier when she's not talking to him- only because he's less crabby. The longer he's gone with out her, the better he gets. Isn't that sad? It's sad that a mother can be so mean that her kids want nothing to do with her...it's sad that when he got home he told me he'd be 'better off with out her'. It's TRUE, but it's sad. He told her not to call unless she made changes to the way she acts. I'm sure it will be months (can I hope for years???)...he and I know she won't change- she's incapable of change.

I hate thinking and saying horrible things about someone who raised the good-well developed and loving man that my husband is today.

How did my husband turn out so great with a mother like that raising him? I'm wondering if she's changed THAT much since I've known her for the past 17 years...Really, is it possible? WHY would any mother want to push her OWN CHILDREN away from her? She's got to know that she's doing something wrong. She's been TOLD OVER AND OVER AND OVER again by her kids that she needs to lay off or stop communicating with them...If I was ever told that, believe me i'd change in a heartbeat just so I could have a good relationship with my kids and my family-