No, I haven't seen her/talked to her and she is withholding my nephew from us as her way of maintaining control and being in power. Very sad. In one month it will have been a year since I've seen him.
So sorry
This almost sounds like my own SIL. Just caught up on this thread and happy to have a place to vent. Here are a few of the highlights from over the years.
* Sometime after she gave birth to my niece we were on the phone and she was telling me how tired she was and how stressful and hard being a new mom was. I sympathized and said I was sure being a parent, while rewarding, is a really tough and demanding job and I knew I wasn't cut out for it. By this point DH and I had already decided that even though we like kids we didn't want kids of our own and would rather enjoy nieces and nephews
Later on I get a phone call from my DB screaming at me, how dare I be so mean and nasty to his wife
Thoroughly confused I asked, what the heck he was talking about. Apparently SIL told him that my response to her about being tired etc. was "that's why I'm not stupid enough to have kids and she was an idiot for doing it"
I told my DB that I would not say something so cruel to my worst enemy
* At DN's 1st, 2nd and 3rd B-day parties SIL made a big production of calling people over and taking pictures with DN with ALL of HER family and friends in varying group sizes with DN with the exception of course of "our side" of the family. DB didn't believe me. I told him to go look through the Bday pictures to see for himself. No comment from him.
* She flat out told my mom that she would NEVER ask her to babysit. Apparently because my mom never came to cook and clean after SIL after she had DN and therefore must not be interested in her or love her. She conveniently forgot that my mom did come and offer help which she refused.
* Visits of her and DB coming over dwindled down to holidays with everyone walking on eggshells and they live 15 minutes from my parents. When asked about this she tells my brother that THEY (we) never come to visit so why should she. My mom explains that she often drives by their house after work or on weekends and no one is there. DM decides to make a more concerted effort at different times (later in evening) and tells her so. The next 5 or so times DM tried to come and see her DGD she is not home and still with SIL's DGM. So now my DM is told she must call first to see if DN is there. Oooookay. Three weeks of subsequent calling results in one or two scheduled visits or appointments to see DN.
* One year I gave DN (2 yrs old at the time) as one of her many Christmas gifts a stick pony. DM manages to get in a visit with DN. SIL says to the child "oh why dont you go show grandma how you play with that" (pointing to stick pony). DN holds the stick end begins to wipe the floor with head and mane and and says "for cleaning". SIL looks at my DM and smiles.
* DB, SIL, DN (2 years old at the time) and dear nephew 10 years old at the time and from my DB's previous marriage all go to WDW. DB tells me about the trip and mentions they are staying at Pop Century. I called WDW florist and sent a gift basket to DB and SIL of chips, sodas and snacks, a princess basket for DN2 with tiara, autograph book etc, and one of equal value and similar contents but for boys to DN10 all with cards wishing them a fun and magical time at WDW. I find out later from DN10 that SIL hit the roof and called me every name in the book for doing this. She was screaming about how dare I think I can "buy" HER daughter
Seriously??? The kids is 2, she can't read yet, I'm not even there and for all DN2 knows all Disney hotels come with gift baskets
Why make an issue out of this even if that is what you think.
* My family goes all out on Christmas and presents. The more presents the merrier. My mom does a different themed tree every year. It is not unusual for there to be 15-20 gifts under the tree for each person. Every year my SIL would comlpain about every single gift she got even though all came with a gift receipt just in case. Whatever. The year DN turned three she told my DM that she was NOT allowed to buy so many gifts for her daughter and that she could only buy her 2 things. Things by this point are really tense in the family. It had become quite clear to all except DB that SIL simply wants to alienate our side of the family from my DB. Everything SIL says/does is never done in view or earshot of DB and she twists or lies about everything to make us look like the bad guys. I am constantly telling my mom to not let her win and get her way no matter what. So, taking my advice, DM to keep the peace, agrees to this limited Xmas present thing and asks SIL if there is anything specific DN3 would like. She tells her that there is a certain dolllhouse she would like. Now, there are many kinds of dollhouses and DM wants to get the right one so asks SIL to please let he know which brand/model etc. SIL tells her she will call or email to let her know. Well, she never did. My DM, has. had. it. She decides to do her normal Christmas and DN3 has 15-20 presents under the tree. After present #2 was opened and SIL realizes there are more she starts saying really cryptic things to my DB like, "you see, this is the last ****ing time" "never again" "I ****ing told you" etc. None of us have the slightest idea what this is about but assume it is the number of gifts for DN3. We all ignore her comments since it is clear she is looking for a fight. Meanwhile my DB is staring into space as the tears roll down his cheeks. It took all of my self control, seeing my DB like that, to not get into it with her. He says now, that was the day he knew for sure it was over with her even though he kept trying to make it work and told her he would leave her if she didn't start trying to get along with our family.
* Down the line and many incidents later DM informs DB that SIL is no longer welcome in her home and she simply can't deal with the ******** anymore. SIL thinks she has won and has convinced DB that we are the ones at fault for everything under the sun etc. since my DM wants nothing to do with her. DB is pissed off at our mom for this. I decide, over my rotting corpse, will she get her way and blame US for this and am determined that my DB will see her for who she is.
I call and inform my DB that my DM's decisions have nothing to do with me and that I still want to have a relationship with SIL and DN. I let him know that I would like to have a sit down with SIL so that I could understand from her point of view where and how things went wrong in the hopes of starting things fresh with a clear understanding. She agrees but avoids all attempts to meet up for the next 3 weeks or so and makes numerous excuses as to why we can't meet up and talk face to face.
I am nothing if not stubborn and persistent. She decides that we can talk on the phone and spends the next hour trying to piss me off
Told me that the reason she has never said thank you for any outfits we ever gave DN3 is because she probably thought they were ugly or tacky. All of them were the latest from Gymboree which SIL said was her favorite store for DN3's clothes as they always had the cutest styles. But, I said nothing. Anyhow, she continues on this nasty tirade against me and my family clearly getting more pissed by the second that I won't react negatively.
Finally we get to the one thing I know she will not budge on. She does not allow DN to refer to me as her aunt and taught her to call me by my first name only. Until this point I have said nothing about it since I was trying to keep the peace and didn't wish to giver ammunition (DB had started suffering panic attacks out of the blue) so it's been like the elephant in the room. So I ask her what were to happen if the next time DN refered to me by my first name and I explained that I was her aunt. She freaked and said absolutely NOT! I could not tell her daughter what to do. I explained that she has no sisters and I am DB's only sibling and thus DN's only aunt. She said I didn't act like an aunt was supposed to. I never got the rule book
I told her I didn't grow up with aunts and uncles and was not aware that there was a specific protocol and wished she would have enlightened me
Apparently I was supposed to call or try to visit everyday since DN's birth and offer to help SIL cook and clean
She said that perhaps down the line, depending on how things went she would decide if I deserved to be referred to as her aunt
I told her very gently that was not acceptable to me and she basically said too bad. We said our goodbyes at that time
DB calls a few minutes later and says he is so happy to hear that SIL and I worked things out. Uhm, no. I relayed the entire conversation to him and explained that while I cannot tell DN what to do I can certainly choose to how I will be referred to and by whom. DB had already had fights over the whole "aunt" thing with SIL. Well about 15 minutes later I get a call from SIL. She immediately began screaming at me that how dare I insist I could tell her daughter what to do. I politely and calmly said that I never said such a thing but that just like anyone else, I could choose how I wished to be referred to. Screaming the whole time she said she would make sure that if her and my DB got a divorce that she would tell my DN that it was all my fault. I politely said that I wished only peace, happiness and love for her and my DB and that if she and my DB got a divorce it would have nothing to do with me. Then she screamed at me that if I wanted to tell children what to do that I should go **** my husband and have my own ****ing kids so I could tell them what the **** to do. I calmly and politely explained that DH and I have made it quite clear we do not wish to have children of own
She went on repeating variations of this and not getting a rise from me at all, ended abruptly telling me to go **** myself and hung up. I called DB and relayed the entire thing to him and politely informed him that depite my best efforts to make peace and have a relationship, his wife is clearly unwilling and I did not feel I should have to be subjected to such animosity and hoped that he understood that I would never see her speak to her again. For once, he was completely on my side, agreed with me and expressed how sorry he was over the way she spoke to me etc.
DB has finally left her and filed for divorce. We still haven't seen my DN and she is now 7. SIL has threatened DB that if he attempts to get partial custody she will have DN accuse him, his son or my dad of sexual molestation
She has threatened this more than once. If DB mentions seeing grandma to DN she will start screaming hysterically. SIL has brainwashed DN on several other things against my DB.
While I am happy DB is finally at peace and moving forward with his life, I do feel sorry for my DN
Thanks for letting me vent.
However, I don't think it's right to say SHE is keeping your nephew from you. Your brother could take him to visit you any time he wants. He has to be given equal blame.
She certainly is!
