My heart breaks for my daughter...

[njcarita]

For clarification, if the boy and the daughter were not dating, what did the boy do wrong? The daughter has no right to assume that the boy ever had an interest in dating her unless he said as much. Now, if he misled her in some way, I understand.

I agree... if they weren't dating I don't see the friend as having done anything wrong???......
though i know how hard teenage years are( have a 12 and 14 year old).....so sending your daughter a hug

when I was a teenager for us..."liking" someone didn't mean off limits.... bu having dated them did

 

[Oh Hia]

I know you love your DD and don't want her hurt, but please, be careful with that. One of my friends would get so involved in her DDs "love life" that eventually it became more important than her "school life". The girl was sexually active way too early (16) , left for college and came back because she missed another boyfriend, went again and came back. Blamed it on DD's girlfriend "who betrayed her". She is going to community college now, when I ask her mom how she is doing, the first thing she mentions is DD's new boyfriend, what they do, where they go, etc.
I have four DSs and they go through these lost romances too. They have had girlfriends that I have absolutely loved and girlfriends that I felt that they could certainly do without but its a learning process. You learn not to get "attached" to the one's you like, and not to "dis" the one's you don't. If they ask for an opinion, find something nice to say, even for the one's you can't stand. For example, "Sally is a very lovely girl but I saw her mother and she is HUGE, but if she is lucky she's adopted". (Just kidding of course but there ar subtle ways to encourage your children to look in another direction and roll with these kind of punches. My favorite saying? "Never Go back, just move foreward".

Wow....I really hope I'm misunderstanding the bolded.

 

[LoveDopey]

Hey, this is all teenage drama stuff. I went through this a couple of months ago with my 17 yr old. She told me about it after school and I felt for her. The next day I was still upset but by the time she got home from school she was over it. I agree with a previous poster -- I think these girls are in love with being in love.

If I asked my daughter today she probably doesn't even remember the incident but I know she's still friends with the girl.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I guess it is inevitable.... my teen daughter (16) just got her heart broken. What makes it so awful is that it was by her best friend!

My daughter liked a certain boy and he said he liked her as well - they were not "technically" dating yet. On Sunday, he told DD that he likes my DD's best friend.
Yesterday, DD's best friend and the boy began dating and were kissing each other in front of my DD.

DD is just so very hurt and to tell you the truth I am so angry at her friend! She knew how much DD liked the boy and in my opinion she betrayed my DD.

When I was growing up - you NEVER dated someone your friend liked or even their ex-boyfriends. Is that still the case?

Sigh...I know this happens and it is life - but it is still awful seeing my daughter in pain.

I went through a similar thing in HS, although it was a semi friend, not a best friend. The friendship ended and this girl has now (13 years later) friend requested me 3 times, I keep denying her. Some people don't get it.

Take your DD to get a pedicure and forget about it. HS boys are NOT worth losing sleep over! Encourage her to enjoy school, sports, activities, friends and not to get caught up in all this drama, she'll be better off without it.
I know she's hurting but the best message is that it isn't such a big deal and that there are other things to think about in life.

For those who don't understand, I am SURE that the girl discussed her crush with her BFF. If you know that she has this huge crush, you back away, at least until she gets a new crush. A best friend doesn't do that to anyone else. The OP also said she was talking to the boy and that he said he liked her, which did mislead her.

 

[SeaShelley]

I can't believe all the people saying the girl is not her friend. This is teenage drama stuff. When I was a JR. in high school I had dated a boy who broke up with me, I was devestated and still head over heels for him. One night at a dance I looked over and my BFF was kissing him. I was VERY upset. You know what though? The minute I got a new boyfriend, all was forgiven- we even did LOTS of double dating. I think very often teenage girls are in love with being in love. That was 25 years ago- both boys are LONG gone and that friend is still the BEST friend I have ever had.

AMEN Sistah! Right back at cha......LYLAS forevah!! Andy who???

 

[jen0610]

I can't believe all the people saying the girl is not her friend. This is teenage drama stuff. When I was a JR. in high school I had dated a boy who broke up with me, I was devestated and still head over heels for him. One night at a dance I looked over and my BFF was kissing him. I was VERY upset. You know what though? The minute I got a new boyfriend, all was forgiven- we even did LOTS of double dating. I think very often teenage girls are in love with being in love. That was 25 years ago- both boys are LONG gone and that friend is still the BEST friend I have ever had.

For whatever reason, there is a large portion of the teen populatition, both boys and girls, that are very vendictive in their behavior, when it comes to who they like and who their friends like. Prior to the dating age, when boys are just the classmates you have to tolerate, 2 girls can be perfectly fine together. Add in puberty and hormones and boys and the start of school not being just a place to learn, but also a social spot in kids lives and the green-eyed monster can come out in one or both of them.

DD has had this one friend since 2nd grade, they are in 6th now. DD is the outgoing one of the two. DD dances, plays sports and sings in the choir, so she has multipule friends from different grade schools, that she now had in classes in middle school. Has always been the social butterfly of the class and a favorite of the teachers - does her work and doesn't cause them grief, and she also knows some teachers from outside the school - church, sports, and dance. The friend, not so much on any of these things.

Since the start of 6th, the other girl has tried to mature herself beyond the 12 year old 6th grader that she is. Heavy makeup, tight revealing shirts and jeans that could be painted on. And while she has the attention of the boys - it doesn't last for very long and she has very few girlfriends left because of her going after so many different boys this year. It has not failed once this year, that DD hasn't mentioned that she thinks so-and-so is cute, that the friend doesn't immediately have an interest in him. When I said something to DD about a couple of weeks ago, doesn't it bug you that she only starts liking the boys after you mention it. She stated that is why she doesn't know I like JayJay. It's not gonna happen this time.

One of the other girls who knows both my DD and her friend, is the one who told me about what the friend was doing. Even at being 13 herself, she made the comment that X does really like DD, but she sees DD being better at everything. The one thing she, the friend, is good at is getting the boys to like her. But they like her for the wrong reasons.

If the friend keeps on with her ways, I don't see her and DD being friends thru high school. Because if in 6th grade she is trying to lure boys away from her friends to make herself feel better about herself, can you only imagine how bad she would be in high school.

My son is walking along a similar path- He would be the offending friend if he acts.
There is a girl. His best friend has liked her since they were all 12.(they are 16 now) The friend has asked her out for years and she always says no. I have a sneaking suspission I know why-

I am sorry for your daughter that her feelings are getting crushed. I was a never ever girl- if someone liked or even mentioned they might like someone they were off limits to me. Now I think it's all changed.

Hugs to your son. That is a difficult position to be in. While his friend and the girl haven't dated, your son friend is still carrying feelings for the girl. Is there any possibility of the girl asking your son out???

 

[cats7494]

For clarification, if the boy and the daughter were not dating, what did the boy do wrong? The daughter has no right to assume that the boy ever had an interest in dating her unless he said as much. Now, if he misled her in some way, I understand.

Just to clarify: my dd was told by the boy that he was interested in dating her - that is why she is upset. So, she did have the "right".

I had lunch with her today and told her to forgive and forget. I also told her to widen her circle of friends but to not completely "unfriend" her best friend -just be careful with her until/if trust is re-established.

I would never say anything mean about the girl - I am way more mature than that!

I did tell her that teenage boys are jerks (yes, I am sexist ) and to not date until done with college. lol

Thanks for all the hugs for my DD. She will get over it - but it still stinks.

 

[pigletgirl]

Oh the woes of high school! Guys at that age are SUPER immature, and he probably didn't think about it. He just acted on an emotion towards your DD's friend.

It sounds as though he's a total looney and she should distance herself from him. Eventually her friend will come around. If not, maybe she should rethink the friendship.

 

[WeLoveLilo05]

In HS I dated my brother's best friend (I was also friends with his sister). Anyways, I really liked him. We broke up b/c he cheated on me. He's a jerk, I understand that, but it didn't make the fact that we no longer had a relationship any easier for me. A few weeks later one of my best friends was making out with him the stairwell in school. I never let on to her that I saw it, my other best friend told me that she was asking her what to do about "John" for a while now as he was making passes at her since we broke up

Sorry your DD is going thru this...hope she feels better soon!

 

[shortbun]

i had a best friend betray me w/ a boyfriend. dumped them both. they were turds. i was lucky to learn that lesson early on. your daughter is too. let her figure it out. take her to a funny movie but don't offer advice for the lovelorn unless it is truly solivited. typing w/ one hand, hence no uppercase.

 

[Mermaid02]

AMEN Sistah! Right back at cha......LYLAS forevah!! Andy who???

Saw the dude driving a mini van the other day

Love ya!!

 

[cocodog]

I am SO sorry for your daughter. Yes, you are right about the code. However, some people live by it and others don't. I would find myself some more loyal friends. Just me, but that would be a deal breaker for the friendship. I hope your daughter conducts herself with grace and class. {{{HUGS}}}

 

[bumbershoot]

Honestly, I don't feel you can call "dibs" on a person.


If there's a serious relationship that ends, then yes, the nice thing to do is to not go after them.


But just liking a guy? At 16? No. No "dibs". This guy's love (or like) life should not be subject to things like that. People can be "interested" in dating many people, and then cross people off the list as they find out more about people. So even if he was interested, doesn't mean he has to *keep* the interest.


Far better to just focus on one's own life without setting up a long list of "people my friends can't think about"...

I had a friend SAY she never dated guys that her sister or friends dated...she had dated TWO my casual exes! I didn't care that she had dated them, but I did care that she was lying or conveniently forgetting!

I did tell her that teenage boys are jerks (yes, I am sexist )

Sigh. Everyone can be a jerk. Everyone. Bet your daughter has been jerky, or will be...everyone has done it. And as a teenager, I found the girls to be much much harsher than the boys EVER were with each other.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Just to clarify: my dd was told by the boy that he was interested in dating her - that is why she is upset...

Then he is wrong not to have told her of his change of mind personally. He sounds like a jerk.

Did her BF know about your DD's feelings for the boy? If so, she is every bit as much a jerk as he - probably more so, as she still claims to care about your DD. How can someone really care about someone else and go out of their way to hurt them? I would ditch a "friend" like that in a second.

Still, if they never even dated, your DD will get over this before you know it.

 

[Micca]

Best revenge: Live well, and deface his yearbook picture.

 

[momof1princess]

Wow....I really hope I'm misunderstanding the bolded.

i'm hoping i misunderstood it as well. wow...just...wow.

 

[mjkacmom]

I had a friend in JH/HS who did this all of the time. If one of her friends liked a boy, she'd hook up with him (hooking up meant something different then, though). If she was dating a boy, she hooked up with his best friend and/or brothers. I'm mad at myself for not faking to like a total geek, to see what she would do.

Now, I did end up hooking up (again, the PG version) with some guys my friends liked, as a stupid boy-crazy teen. And some of my friends did the same to me. However, nothing like the attention-seeking girl in my first paragraph!

 

[DawnCt1]

Wow....I really hope I'm misunderstanding the bolded.

You apparently chose to ignore the rest of the quote;

Just kidding of course but there are subtle ways to encourage your children to look in another direction and roll with these kind of punches.

The point is, we do not always like the choices our kids make in dates and it is never wise to directly criticize or attack a boy/girl friend or a best friend. You can find a weakness that would concern your kid and casually mention it if you feel it is necessary to steer them in a different direction in a way that they think it is completely "their idea". For example, if I want to know how one of DS's best friends feels about another friend, would say, "Tommy is such a nice kid, polite and hardworking". I would then get an earful about what a jerk Tommy was.

 

[englishteacha]

High school boys are stoopid. They don't think before they act.
I was once dumped in front of a school assembly. 200 classmates to see me have my heart broken.

 

[DawnCt1]

i'm hoping i misunderstood it as well. wow...just...wow.

This is priceless! Tons of posts about what jerks teenage boys are, and I would agree that many of them are, as are many girls, but mention a hypothetical "someone's" weight, someone who actually doesn't exist, and the angst is on full display!