My DH will never learn

[NMW]

If you truly could afford the gifts that your DH was buying you, than I think it woul be very sweet, even if every gift was not exactly to your taste. If you really can't afford them at all, well than that's another matter entirely.

I wish my husband was more like yours...the surprising me part...not the finacial ruin part. He never, ever gets me a gift that I did not exactly ask for. I have to be very specific and usually go with him. Many times he just tells me to buy myself something I want for my birthday/Christmas, etc. Last year about a month before my birthday I was going to a friends Silpada party. DH told when I was leaving to get myself something extra for my birthday next month. I know he means well, and he honestly doesn't care what I buy or spend money on... It's just that sometimes I would love to be surprised by something as whimsical and foolish as gold roses. Know what I mean?

 

[pumpkinfish]

I have one too...although unlike OP he has gotten the message over the years (sorry to hear about your dilemma OP and hope you and he can talk it out).

It started with our first Valentines Day when all I wanted was to stay in and watch a romantic movie and eat chocolate fondu and other stuff He decided to SURPRISE me with a trip to the city (NY), hotel stay, and broadway tickets. Oh wow! I was naive back then and didn't do the monies so thought we had struck it rich! Anyways, we take our 45 minute train ride to the city; DH gets us a cab (true luxury as we always walked or took the subway); and we pull up to the Ritz Carlton (no kidding!). We get out, go check in, and as DH is paying the credit card (actually it must have been our HSBC bank card) is declined. I was so embarrassed as was DH. It was a long/quiet train ride back home. We didn't even stay for the show (found the tickets last year in DH's work portfolio...it was for Beauty & the Beast).

The reason/point of my post is DH meant well. Even since then he has had issues with monies and buying gawdy/reckless gifts. I even cringe when I see how much he spends on roses for my birthday (but I don't criticize anymore). Now I give him a set amount and tell him to make the most of it. This year I said no more than $100 for Christmas even though I don't want anything. I do list off things I like which helps him but he never buys what I ask for. The past few years he has done really well with getting something close (but still going over budget). It is easier for me though because I deal with the bills now and he has to come to me when buying/using his credit card. That has worked out well.

OP, keep working at it. Keep the discussion simple. Make sure you praise him for his thoughts before you tell him what you would like. I agree with a PP who said to explain the bills to him so he understands the relationship for what he spends on you and how much debt you have. Good luck !

 

[SHAYMARAYSMOM]

Our Anniversary is in 2 weeks. At least 75% of the time my DH will get me a gift that I have to return. An example: last year he bought a $1500 diamond necklace from Lord & Taylor. We did not have the extra money for this, so I had to return it. It hurts that he would buy something that we cannot afford and I am the one who has to return it. The year before he bought me a coat that looked like a dead squirrel, again it had to be returned. DD6 still says to me "Remember when Daddy bought you the rat coat". This has been going on for years - 17 years. I do not want to seem ungrateful or bratty, but I am very budget minded and do so much to try to save money. Well, today I look online at our Disney Visa statement (which I usually do a few times a week) and I see a charge for $409 from an internet company that sells gold roses. I call the company to cancel the order and they tell me it is already shipped. I ask what it is and can it be returned. The man says he will call me back which he never does. I call again and he says that I will love what DH got me, that he is not a marriage counselor and there will be a 20% restocking fee. So, $100 wasted after shipping costs. I cried. NEVER would I want this, I feel that DH does not even know me. Money is so tight right now and this $100 could have been used on so many other things. DH keeps telling me that we cannot afford to go on vacation next year, but then does something like this. I guess I just need to vent.

I have not read the whole thread so sorry if this was already posted.
First please do not take this as rude.
Talk to hubby if he is never going to get it right then go out and buy your own gift.
My DH and I have been married for 20 years. If I want something I tell him what it is I want.
If you do not want to buy your own gift then just keep returning what he gets you.

 

[SleepyatDVC]

When we were engaged, DH bought me a handgun so I could go to the range with him. I think I went ONCE.

Well, after we got married, he moved from NJ to NYC where I was and had to get rid of everything. That was one expensive hobby that he gave up.

Sorry OP for what you are going through. This is the place to vent.

 

[disykat]

I call it the "you've been reading too many women's magazines" syndrome. It could also be female co-workers nudging him. Many women do like to be "spoiled" with fancy gifts, and it's hard to get that notion out of some men's minds.

I'd be mad too. Spending over $400 on a gift when money is tight is outrageous.

 

[Princess April]

I think it's really sweet that your DH wants to give you the royal princess treatment, but I totally understand your anxiety. I have always handled the $$$ since DH and I got married over 11 years ago. Back then we were poor as church mice.... and he knew it!!!! He knew we were up to our eyeballs in debt and we had to squeeze the life out of every penny. Time has passed and naturally things have gotten better, he has had promotions and raises as have I but we have also bought a house, furnished the entire house and had a child. He knows that even though we make more $$$$ we also spend more $$$. But lucky for me he has no idea what we have in the bank. He has all access to all the accounts but he chooses not to be very involved, fine by me. I give him a gift card for his daily "purchases" at work and he knows he can use the debit card when he needs gas.... most anything else he knows he needs to consult w/me before spending $$$ to make sure we have enough $$$ in the bank account.... ( ) He still thinks were broke, and I like it that way, we never go overboard but he knows all the bills are paid and we're all fed and life is good. Every "holiday" I give him cash and tell him that is his spending limit and most of the time he sticks to it perfectly. Once and a while he'll go a smidgen over but that's OK

 

[bluesaturn]

So I get the diamond necklace. But the coat, it sounds like you returned it because it was "ugly". That would make it seem that you didn't have to return it, you wanted to.

Perhaps your husband doesn't value travel as much as you do. My boyfriend doesn't care for travel like I do, so we compromise. Did you take a big vacation this year? If so, maybe that's why he doesn't want a vacation next year. Maybe he doesn't want to go cheaper on the gifts just for a vacation, if he doesn't enjoy trips as much.

 

[janets]

I also have a husband who thinks that the way to show he loves me is to buy me something expensive and flashy. We also don't have the money aned I have specifically told him that I don't want anything, money is tight, I would rather save it than spend it on something I don't really need, but he doesn't hear me.

He bought me a necklace on a cruise we went on last November. We had seen it in the shop and I admired it. He bought it and surprised me on the cruise. We had a larger than normal on board bill.

While on vacation during spring break, we saw the matching bracelet. I didn't want to spend the money so we didn't buy it. Well, FF a couple of months to my birthday. Mom says I'd better act grateful when he gives me my gift as he searched high and low for it..knew immediately what it was.

Instead of honoring my wishes of no gift, he'd spent hours on line, on the phone, trying to find the bracelet. Ended up getting it from a shop in St. Thomas. Well, I acted pleased but really, would have rather had a card that said "I wanted to buy you something but know you'd rather save the money, so Happy Birthday." It would have showed me that he was listening to me when I talked about being at the end of our money every month, trying to find the money to pay for camp and braces and new shoes and other things. Then of course, I have to pay the CC bill.

I tell him, he doesn't listen. I tell him again, he doesn't listen. It gets really hard after a while. Should I give him a list? Probably. But really, I don't want anything. I'm not a big fan of gifts. The one thing I want for Chanukah, interestingly enough, is the annual Star Trek Christmas tree ornament. I collect them. That's it.

Guess I'll have to wait and wonder this year again.

OP, I'm truly sorry. Gold roses? What's up with that?

 

[Belle5]

OP--I am very sorry. Try to be gracious this time but a month or so before the next event--give him a specific list to choose from and make him promise not to buy you more than one of the items listed. It is so difficult when wives scrimp and sacrifice to keep expenses down and then their well-meaning husbands send $100 roses when the wife probably could have used panties that weren't worn thin or socks without holes. I know your frustrated... There is hope--my DH no longer does this sort of thing. He understands who I am now--I want a good book, some gourmet loose-leaf tea...I don't want him buying into the sales pitch from the jewelry store.

I must ask, though....gold roses??? Is that some kind of joke or is he trying to irritate you intentionally???? That just seems---strange...

I am editing this to say--I looked at the roses on-line and I suspect he was trying to do something romantic--not to irritate you as I suggested above...

 

[surfergirl602]

at least he gets you something. mine doesn't get me anything... It's the thought that counts? I would say have a heart to heart talk with him.

 

[DearDaisyinDurham]

:OP I hear you! gold roses - if kept they are a reminder that they are $400 of something she never wanted; if she returns it she is sick about the $100 wasted. doesn't sound selfish to me to say, can we please just have a quiet dinner out. or a simple bouquet under $20 that won't last as long as gold roses but won't cause an ulcer either.

 

[Jeanne B]

at least he gets you something. mine doesn't get me anything...

Same here.

 

[DearDaisyinDurham]

Same here.

thank goodness for the dis to band together AND vent when we need it!!

 

[T. Lynn]

I HATE real flowers...I end up killing them quickly so I feel like they are a big waste of money. I'd prefer fake/silk flowers (so I can keep around the house) or one single rose. Told DH this for many years - 18 to be exact.

We've been having a tough marriage lately & normally I don't ask for anything, gift wise. Last year I asked for an eternity ring, hoping it would show there is hope for us. It was only $100. Well, I got roses instead. After a few days he knew something was wrong so I expressed my thoughts and why I wanted the ring. He tore the house apart to find the paperwork I gave him, which he did. Then Vtines came & went and so did another anniversay...still no ring. Got flowers though - a bunch of roses again!

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

OP - can you refuse the package when it arrives so that it is returned to the sender? Will that save you the restocking fee? Can you dispute that fee with the credit card company?

My DH is guilty of buying things that are pricey that I don't want when we are trying to save money or pay off bills too. Drives me nuts but I know he is just doing it out of love.

Sit down with your DH and have a long talk about finances and set FIRM spending limits on gifts. Tell him that a single rose from the grocery store floral dept will mean more to you than a gold one that you can't afford right now.

 

[dakcp2001]

I think its sweet that he keeps trying. It must hurt his feelings to have it get returned every year for some reason or another. I bet he has just totally given up on trying to get you what you might like, he just figures you wont like it anyway. Necklace too expensive, coat too ugly etc etc

TELL him what you want, save you both the hassle. I think totally blaming him is unfair, in 17 years, have you discussed it before? Do you tell him each time why you return it? Have you discussed before about the extravagant pricetags and budget concerns with these types of gifts?

His heart is in the right place.........

 

[wewantmore]

Man, I'd be mad.


Are gold prices still high? Could you just sell them to a jewelry store? Maybe not for the full $400 but close enough to cover the cost.

Michelle

 

[hinodis]

I don't understand. Your mad about a gift that you have not even recieved yet? Maybe it is something you will like. Your DH took the time to find you something to show you how much he loves and cares for you. How thoughtful of him. My DH has given me many things over the last 21 years, from a laundry sorter (every girls dream) to a pair of beautiful diamond earrings valued around $3500. I treasure all things. Even when money is tight we manage to pay for it. Your not the only one with feelings. Please consider his.

PS: Happy Anniversary!!

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

Dh and I have come up with a system. Since I handle the finances and he still wants to surprise me he either asks me for a price limit before he shops or he says "I'll need X amount of money, is that okay?" Maybe you could even give him a list and say "hey, there are a couple things I've been thinking about buying, but just haven't been able to splurge on myself, maybe you could look at buying them for me instead" and have some actual splurges on there (just not as pricey as his ideas).

 

[dopeyfanatic]

I'm sorry but I think it's absolutely STUPID for people to be telling her she should just take them and be happy! How can she be happy about a gift they CANNOT afford that will cause them to not be able to pay bills?? Here's your roses, now next month we won't have electricity! Seriously people. When you are married you should know what your spouse likes. So yes, I would think my dh didn't know me even after all these years. After being told that many times to not buy something so expensive, and that she really wants a vacation, buying a $400 gift is not thoughtful.

Hopefully you can talk to your dh and explain to him point blank that while you appreciate that he buys you gifts, you don't appreciate that he never listens to what you'd really like. Offer to make a list of things you'd like him to get you if he wants to do more than just a dinner. Or at the very least, set a price limit. Hopefully he can stay within it. Otherwise you REALLY need to have a talk. It's absolutely not ok to go into financial ruins to get a gift you don't want, like or need!