My DH doesn't like kids so.....

[LuvTigger]

This comment is just a generalization, and doesn't necessarily apply to the OP, but I just wanted to say that one of the things that seems to be an increasing problem nowadays is that even when parents do realize that their children misbehaved in some way, they do not take the time to explain to their children what they did wrong.

For example, BF's brothers kids...when they do something wrong, their parents just tell them to say they're sorry, so they do. But that's it, the parents don't explain what it is they did wrong. So now, whenever the kids do something wrong, they immediately say "sorry" thinking that solves the whole issue, but they truly don't understand what they're apologizing for. In some extreme cases, they think the word "sorry" gives them license to do things...again, BF's nephew intentionally kicked our dog and immediately said, "oops, sorry doggie."

So applied to the OP: even if the spitting Oreos incident was a complete accident, DSis could have gently explained to Ian that it is not acceptable to spit food on people, and that he should apologize. And if it wasn't a true accident, then that's another talk altogether.

Even as an adult, we all have accidents...once a piece of gum I was chewing fell out of my mouth onto someone. I was mortified, and I apologized. I'm not saying kids aren't allowed to make any mistakes or have accidents, but there is always a delicate way to explain proper behavior to children that doesn't have to be a "scolding" or punishment (unless it truly deserves to be treated as such).

JMHO (this is an interesting thread, btw! always interesting to hear other peoples views and interpretations!)

 

[LadyBears]

Originally posted by Shugardrawers
DSis has a 5yo son that's pretty darn cute. Spoiled rotten, but cute. She's always wanting my DH to hug him or kiss him and be all chummy with him. Not gonna happen. I've tried explaining that he's just not a kid kinda guy but she always whines about how could anyone not love her son because he's so cute. She says he's just gonna have to get used to it because they are family. NO, he's not.

The kid really is adorable though undisciplined. But I can't convince my DSis that not everyone is going to worship her child the way she does. Heck, I don't even like to babysit him because he's so spoiled and demanding. There's no talking to either one of them. DSis just can't get it through her head that not everyone loves her child and that her child should learn to behave more appropriately in other peoples homes and DH will not ever learn to love this child. I've tried seeing them at their home w/o DH but he gets mad if I'm gone all the time. Holidays are hell because no matter who's house we are at, Ian is going to be there.

Since you are saying he is undisciplined enough that even YOU don't want to babysit - that is saying something. I think the cookie incident was just the straw that broke the camels (your DH's) back. Your sister needs to learn that her son is not the center of the universe. She also needs to start teaching him manners & STOP the "She's always wanting my DH to hug him or kiss him and be all chummy with him" attitude. Your DH will not be the only one in this child life who will not want to hug & kiss the kid.

I bet your DH doesn't like having this kid FORCED upon him & that the more the kid is forced on him, the more he doesn't want to be around the kid. I bet when your sister stops forcing them together, your DH may come around enough to tolerate him.

I know when my DD4 (5 next Tuesday) is acting too silly or doing something wrong "for a 5 year old" - I can give her "the look" & she knows enough to stop & say excuse me or sorry. I don't see how "the look" is abuse. It is just a subtle reminder of her manners!! (Example - if we were both sitting at the table eating milk & cookies & she did that while my mouth was full. I would give her "the look" & she knows to stop. Her running joke with me is "Don't make me talk with my mouth full!!" LOL ) Proper table manners (like chewing Oreos with mouths closed!) is NOT too much to ask from a 4 or 5 year old. If Ian had proper manners & chewed his food with his mouth closed, DH would NOT have been spit on! Therefore, the sister should be apologizing for the sons bad behavior.

"I've tried seeing them at their home w/o DH but he gets mad if I'm gone all the time" - how often & how long do you go? If for example you are going to their house every day for 4 hours at a time - the time being say shortly after your DH comes home from work at 5 & you are there until 8 or 9 pm. Yes I can see how your DH would be frustrated with that . If you go once per month to your sisters for a couple of hours then he shouldn't complain because you are compromising seeing Ian without your DH having to have the forced on him.

JMO

 

[Dancind]

Just wondering, haven't heard mention that Ian has a father around. Is your Sis a single Mom? It would be very understandable, then, for her to look for adult males to be a positive influence in her son's life. Too much to ask from your DH, I would imagine.

Some five year old boys are just too much. Too much energy, too much action, just hard to handle. Even the strictest parents don't have much luck with them, I know, my brother was like that. They can turn out great, or they can continue to get in trouble all their lives. I hope you'll continue to be a loving auntie, even if you have to do it on your own.

 

[jeffemy]

JMO, but I think your DH doesn't have to necessarily like or love Ian, but he could make the attempt to tolerate him, he is family, and hopefully for you will be a part of your lives for a long time. Eventually Ian will grow up into an adult, he won't be a kid forever, will your DH perhaps like to have a relationship with him then? Most of us have certain people we don't really like to be around, for whatever reason, but we suck it up and hold the negative feelings back because it makes getting along together a lot easier. I'm just saying the actions we take today affect the future.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I was also just thinking that the DH needs to learn to suck it up a bit more than it sounds like he is doing. Kids know how others feel about them, and if they are always getting negative vibes then the will act even worse. Even with my son, if he gets into a snit about something and I get all grouchy, it just escalates it, but if I react in a gentler fashion, his mood improves quickly. He's taking my lead and, being the adult, I expect myself to stay in control and do what I can to help the situation.

T&B

 

[goofygirl]

Umm..I'm sorry you think my parents were unresponsible...but IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS...and besides..you're not a parent...how can you say all this?

You made it my business when you posted about how a difficult child you were.

Yes, I'm not a parent, but I am guessing you are not either. I don't know your age, but from what I gather, you seem like you are rather young (teen?)

 

[TheBellhop]

And if I say my age that would make me a "difficult naive little teen", right?

 

[RobinMarie]

I've never understood why insulting an entire population of people was acceptable. Making such sweeping statements about human beings is just rude. I believe stating publically that you do not like children is bad manners.

It certainly is not acceptable to state whether you like elderly, dark skinned, light skinned, short, tall etc or not so why children? You do not have to like children, but if you are around my child I expect someone to exhibit common courtesy and respect. I'm sorry, but I believe this repeated generalization of unappreciation does not have to be accepted because of personal taste. It's not personal taste, it's tasteless.

You may not like the BEHAVIOR of some children, which is understandable but to make such a generalization about all children is rude. If you don't have anything nice to say ... well you know the rest.

 

[Planogirl]

I don't totally agree that it's rude for someone to say that they don't like children. Maybe it could be phrased a little more politely but I can understand if some people don't enjoy being around children. Some people just don't seem to have that mindset. I do have one of my own in case someone assumes I'm childless.

Oh, I love cats too.

 

[kasar]

When DH's brother comes over with his two boys (who don't listen and pretty much have parents who pull the old "boys will be boys" routine instead of actually disciplining) we always try to go outside. They have space to run around and act like children, we don't have to worry about what they're doing to our house and everyone gets along nicely. When DH gets frustrated, he'll start sweeping the driveway or something so he can still chat with his brother but he stays out of the fray. Maybe your DH could try to do something else when DSis comes over?

He doesn't have to gush over your nephew but he should be a gracious host and treat the boy like he would any other guest. Your sister probably knows that her son is bratty but it's easier to blame your DH and harp on him than to do the hard work of fixing the problem. This will all pass - the kid will grow up someday and I sure as heck wouldn't want this to ruin family relationships. Good luck.

 

[yourtravelpro]

Your sister should not be forcing her son on your husband. How selfish is that? If your husband is not too keen on children, that's his perogative. It doesn't make him a bad person. If your sister keeps it up she is going to push him away further where he won't want to be a part in her son's life at all. He is not required to kiss and hug her son. She needs to back off!! JMHO

 

[jeffemy]

Originally posted by RobinMarie
I've never understood why insulting an entire population of people was acceptable. Making such sweeping statements about human beings is just rude. I believe stating publically that you do not like children is bad manners.

It certainly is not acceptable to state whether you like elderly, dark skinned, light skinned, short, tall etc or not so why children? You do not have to like children, but if you are around my child I expect someone to exhibit common courtesy and respect. I'm sorry, but I believe this repeated generalization of unappreciation does not have to be accepted because of personal taste. It's not personal taste, it's tasteless.

You may not like the BEHAVIOR of some children, which is understandable but to make such a generalization about all children is rude. If you don't have anything nice to say ... well you know the rest.

Well said! I agree that it is rude and unacceptable to generalize in such a manner. Good point when you mention the elderly, would anyone find it acceptable if someone announced they didn't like seniors or middle-aged people?

 

[jeffemy]

Originally posted by goofygirl

Yes, I'm not a parent, but I am guessing you are not either. I don't know your age, but from what I gather, you seem like you are rather young (teen?) [/B]

And if TheBellhop is a young teen, would that put him on your "do not like list"?

 

[Shugardrawers]

Originally posted by Dancind
Just wondering, haven't heard mention that Ian has a father around. Is your Sis a single Mom? It would be very understandable, then, for her to look for adult males to be a positive influence in her son's life. Too much to ask from your DH, I would imagine.

Some five year old boys are just too much. Too much energy, too much action, just hard to handle. Even the strictest parents don't have much luck with them, I know, my brother was like that. They can turn out great, or they can continue to get in trouble all their lives. I hope you'll continue to be a loving auntie, even if you have to do it on your own.

DSis is not a single parent but you'd never know it with the limited amount of time he spends with his son. DSis and I will go out for an evening and he heads out to wherever leaving their 16 yr old to babysit. Also, he's military and gone quite a bit. Leaving actually for Korea w/o his family for a year in a couple of weeks. I think a lot of that is like you said, he's a VERY high energy child and daddy just doesn't know how to deal with it. I don't either really which is why I don't like to babysit him.

Someone mentioned DH probably should avoid WDW. I have to agree there! I can't imagine he'd have too much fun as he's not a very patient person. It's DSis and I that are the Disneyphiles in the family. We go w/o the kids or DH's.

And finally to clarify, the first time the spitting happened it was an accident and DH told him to watch it because he spit on him to which Ian laughed and it happened again. DH jumped up, said a bit angrily (but not yelling) that he told him not to do it again and ran to wash himself off. I think the loud voice and jumping up scared Ian but within a minute or 2 he was over it. He did not hit him, he did not yell at him and he did not swear at him. I do think he over reacted though. DH does tend to be a bit squeamish about such things.

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by Bob Slydell
I agree, but those lessons are done once company leaves, not in the middle of a family get together.

Why? Are you talking about beating them or something?
A simple, "Come here, Bobby. What did you just do? Go say you're sorry for spitting cookies on Auntpolly (whether it was an accident ot not, an apology is required). If you don't deal with the behaviour immediately, the kid will never learn! Oh, wait. He'll learn something alright. He'll learn that he can do anything he wants in when there are people around and you won't do anything about it!
And I still think - big deal, his uncle is grumpy with him. Why are so many of you so freaked out by this? Kids have to learn to get used to all sorts of personalities.

 

[Mskanga]

Accident or not when something like this has happened with any of my kids, I do not care where they are in public or not, I have made them apologize. If it was intentional , the punishment was right at that time, if it was an accident , the apology only is enough. And I do not believe lack of discipline is due to one of the parents being absent for a long period of time , I believe it has to do with parents lack of willing to discipline ( not abuse ) on a regular basis from the start when they are young.
My husband is not the disciplinarian type unless it's something really serious. I am the strict one in the family , I am the one who spends all day with them and I have to be strict. I talk to them but when they do something unacceptable they get punished, and I follow through with it, if it means taking away priviledges or grounding someone, usually when that happens is because they were warned before and they crossed the line anyway.

 

[momof2inPA]

They both need to apologize. The child for spitting, the DH for scaring the kid.

 

[CEDmom]

Originally posted by auntpolly
Why? Are you talking about beating them or something?
A simple, "Come here, Bobby. What did you just do? Go say you're sorry for spitting cookies on Auntpolly (whether it was an accident ot not, an apology is required). If you don't deal with the behaviour immediately, the kid will never learn! Oh, wait. He'll learn something alright. He'll learn that he can do anything he wants in when there are people around and you won't do anything about it!
And I still think - big deal, his uncle is grumpy with him. Why are so many of you so freaked out by this? Kids have to learn to get used to all sorts of personalities.

I agree somewhat with what Bob is saying. If DD does something rude whether by accident or on purpose I take her away from the group to explain why what she did was inappropriate. She then needs to apologize and make amends (clean up the mess etc) if she wants rejoin the group. To do this in front of others only escalates the situation for my DD - she'll become very upset because everyone is looking at her and then the whole point of explaining her inappropriate behavior is lost.

BTW, my brothers and I are always blaming our mom for our shortcomings (joking of course). We tell her she can make it up to us with $$$ but so far she hasn't felt the need to .

 

[Bob Slydell]

Originally posted by auntpolly
Why? Are you talking about beating them or something?
A simple, "Come here, Bobby. What did you just do? Go say you're sorry for spitting cookies on Auntpolly (whether it was an accident ot not, an apology is required). If you don't deal with the behaviour immediately, the kid will never learn! Oh, wait. He'll learn something alright. He'll learn that he can do anything he wants in when there are people around and you won't do anything about it!

No, I'm not talking about beating them.

I certainly would briefly scold DS at the moment and have him apologize. I was talking about a longer discussion about what's appropriate and inappropriate around other people. That could wait until later.

 

[auntpolly]

Originally posted by CEDmom
I agree somewhat with what Bob is saying. If DD does something rude whether by accident or on purpose I take her away from the group to explain why what she did was inappropriate. She then needs to apologize and make amends (clean up the mess etc) if she wants rejoin the group. To do this in front of others only escalates the situation for my DD - she'll become very upset because everyone is looking at her and then the whole point of explaining her inappropriate behavior is lost.

Bob said to wait until the company left -- my point is not to wait. I didn't mean make a big spectacle in front of everybody. But the lesson and the apology needs to happen immediately.

I am reading and rereading what the DH did....he needs to apologize for being grossed out? For acting irritated? The OP says he didn't yell at the kid -- I really think you guys are advocating babying this litte boy. Kids have to learn that not everyone is going to think everything they do is precious!