My DD is sick over her college decision & we don't know how to help her. (very long)

[It'sWDW4me]

Something that might help your DD is some time talking w/ someone regarding anxiety issues. It seems like some generalized anxiety underlies all of the things she's struggling with. A few sessions w/ a therapist might be just the ticket to help her move far enough along to make her decision & get her started in the fall.

Very best of luck to all of you. Hope to read some "brag" posts in the future about how well college is going for all of your DD's, and how well set they are for great careers.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest. She may need temporary medication to help take the edge off right now, but she definitely needs to learn some coping skills for those high-anxiety times (like now). You've hashed out the myriad "what-if" scenarios and she knows that nothing she decides is life threatening, yet she just can't handle the stress. There is a very good chance that, should you take a hard stance of "just get over it and do it", that she'll fail in school due to her anxiety. A good counselor will be able to help her immensely. Good luck to you and DD!

 

[MELSMICE]

Maybe I'm off base; but I get the feeling that like the majority of posters on this thread, everyone around her seems to feel fairly strongly that she should choose the private school.

ie: a quick skim through this thread looks to me like a few neutral posts, only 2 pointing out the positives of the local school, and 12 pointing out the positives of the private school.

So while your DD is being told that the choice is hers, do you think some of the inner turmoil she's experiencing could be due to the fact that she doesn't want to disappoint her parents, her aunt, etc. by choosing the local school?

I realize we have limited background info, but my first thought was that staying home and keeping her job may not be such a bad choice for her.

There are so many important decisions to be made at that age. Good Luck to her and to you OP.

BTW, I'm still trying to figure out how someone as young as I perceive myself to be could possibly have college age kids. Crazy how that happens, huh?

We have encouraged her to attend the private school & told her that we feel this is the best option for her. However, the choice is still hers, in our opinion & we have told her that also.

At first I thought it was that she was not trying to disappoint us, but I really don't think that's it. I honestly think she is turmoil about going away.

She will do well at either school, but they will be a completely different experience.

 

[MELSMICE]

Why cant she commute to the private school an hour away?
Really-I know lots who do that.

Or tell her she can come home on Wdnesday nights to break up the week?

I dont think an hour away is that big a deal

We live in Western New York so we're looking at a commute from Buffalo to Rochester daily (it's about an hour & 15 minutes actually). The winter weather is too iffy to take a chance on her commuting every day.

 

[buckler]

Could you offer to meet her 1/2 way for dinner once or twice a week? Then she could also come home on weekends. An aunt can't replace a mom, no matter how great an aunt she is. After a while your DD would probably get too busy to meet you during the week, and she'll find she needs to skip coming home some weekends.

 

[Pembo]

As a person who was NOT ready to leave home and went to a local college, I say encourage her to go to the local university...she could always transfer when she feels she is ready.

For me, I finished my degree locally, living at home. I moved out when I got married at age 26. My parents were very supportive of my decision to live at home. However living at home and going to school also entailed working 3 part time jobs. I learned a lot of responsibility and there was very little time to "play" like my friends who went away.

 

[tar heel]

Have you thought about taking her to a counselor? One of my friends daughter was as perplexed as yours is -- she's a brilliant young woman and had gotten into multiple outstanding schools. She met with a counselor a handful of times (3 or 4) who helped her sort out the decision. She's just finishing up her sophomore year at the school she chose and is confident she made the right decision.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

As a parent, you may need to take the bull by the horns.

It shouldn't be so anxiety provoking to pick a college.

Just b/c one commits to the one school--doesn't mean you are under contract forever and stuck to that commitment regardless of circumstance.
Once your dd can realize that--the easier it will be for her to be at peace with her decision. It may require professional intervention though with a counselor.

My DH started at UF, transfered to USF and then went back to UF. Wasn't due to anxiety, but other reasons. But he still started and ended at the school of his choice. It wasn't a travesty to have to take a side route in the mean time.

 

[golfgal]

Is her twin ging away to school? Do you think some of her anxiety is being separated from her?

.

As the mom of twins I was thinking the same thing.

Melmice--if this were my daughter I would tell her that I think the best option is for her to go away to the private school and the reason why is that I would want her to learn to deal with these changing living situations, having to make adult decisions about spending money, getting up and ready for classes (work), figuring out what classes to take next, etc. all without the fall back of mom and dad in the next room AND in the controlled environment of the college setting instead of learning how to deal with this when the first job offer comes in. It is all about getting used to the process.

I would also stress that she needs to give it an honest chance-get involved in some clubs, sports, whatever and if after a semester she still doesn't like it, she can transfer. Since you are confident she will do fine once she gets there, she has to get there.

I also think that with the smaller school setting (I am guessing the local state U is larger) she will feel more connected AND there are more people watching out for her there. As for the major, hardly anyone starts and finishes with the same major so just make sure she understands that and while it is important to declare your major as soon as possible, it sure doesn't have to be NOW.

Our oldest hasn't gotten sick over things like this but he does worry. As a little kid as long as he knew what to expect he was fine. If he had a dr's appointment and he need to have this and that done and get 3 shots, he was fine as long as we knew about it. He would sit still, cooperate, etc. The Dr always told him he was his best patient. He hit his eye on a cutting board when he was 2 and we had to take him to the ER for stitches. We told him on the way exactly what was going to happen and he sat there not moving a muscle the entire time they stitched him up-8 stitches. He had to get some ear wax removed from an ear at another appointment expectantly and you would have thought we tried to cut off his feet-the FIT he threw.

He was very reluctant to even look at schools because of this "unknown". Once he saw the campus, talked with some students, etc. he was very excited to go. Before that, it was NOT easy to get him to do anything about college.

I think I would have her go visit campus again, spend the night there (let her have a car if she needs and "escape route") and let her get more comfortable with her surroundings. Maybe you can make the appointment for the visit and explain the situation and ask for their "best" guide because that makes ALL the difference!

I think what it really comes down to is she CAN'T make the decision and can't figure out how to tell you that.

DS17's school has a WONDERFUL program for first year students that would be perfect for her if she wants to go there

 

[shortbun]

I agree, but how do I convince someone that gets physically ill & nervous to the point of hyperventilating at times?

I know she'll get through it. I know it will be tough for her. My heart will break for her knowing that she is struggling if she goes away. How do I convince her that she will live through it?

If she is actually this nervous, I'd be getting her some appointments with a good social worker who can help her with a plan to deal with her anxiety. This kind of panic is very real and does not just go away nor can many people just push through it. It's necessary for her to learn real coping mechanisms that work for her. As a parent, I would be sure my child had those skills prior to their departure for college. I see others have suggested the same thing, a counselor to help her work through her decision and anxiety.

 

[MELSMICE]

Could you offer to meet her 1/2 way for dinner once or twice a week? Then she could also come home on weekends. An aunt can't replace a mom, no matter how great an aunt she is. After a while your DD would probably get too busy to meet you during the week, and she'll find she needs to skip coming home some weekends.

I told her we would come meet her for dinner whenever she wants. I even told her that because I have a flexible schedule I would come out & meet her for lunch & a day together on the days that I work from my home & don't go in to my dance studio.

As the mom of twins I was thinking the same thing.

Melmice--if this were my daughter I would tell her that I think the best option is for her to go away to the private school and the reason why is that I would want her to learn to deal with these changing living situations, having to make adult decisions about spending money, getting up and ready for classes (work), figuring out what classes to take next, etc. all without the fall back of mom and dad in the next room AND in the controlled environment of the college setting instead of learning how to deal with this when the first job offer comes in. It is all about getting used to the process.

I would also stress that she needs to give it an honest chance-get involved in some clubs, sports, whatever and if after a semester she still doesn't like it, she can transfer. Since you are confident she will do fine once she gets there, she has to get there.

I also think that with the smaller school setting (I am guessing the local state U is larger) she will feel more connected AND there are more people watching out for her there. As for the major, hardly anyone starts and finishes with the same major so just make sure she understands that and while it is important to declare your major as soon as possible, it sure doesn't have to be NOW.

Our oldest hasn't gotten sick over things like this but he does worry. As a little kid as long as he knew what to expect he was fine. If he had a dr's appointment and he need to have this and that done and get 3 shots, he was fine as long as we knew about it. He would sit still, cooperate, etc. The Dr always told him he was his best patient. He hit his eye on a cutting board when he was 2 and we had to take him to the ER for stitches. We told him on the way exactly what was going to happen and he sat there not moving a muscle the entire time they stitched him up-8 stitches. He had to get some ear wax removed from an ear at another appointment expectantly and you would have thought we tried to cut off his feet-the FIT he threw.

He was very reluctant to even look at schools because of this "unknown". Once he saw the campus, talked with some students, etc. he was very excited to go. Before that, it was NOT easy to get him to do anything about college.

I think I would have her go visit campus again, spend the night there (let her have a car if she needs and "escape route") and let her get more comfortable with her surroundings. Maybe you can make the appointment for the visit and explain the situation and ask for their "best" guide because that makes ALL the difference!

I think what it really comes down to is she CAN'T make the decision and can't figure out how to tell you that.

DS17's school has a WONDERFUL program for first year students that would be perfect for her if she wants to go there

First - I did not know you were the mom of twins.

I never thought about that she "can't" make the decision, but it makes sense. There is so much back & forth. She admittedly says that one minute the local U seems the best place & the next minute the private school seems better.

The private school also seems to have a great Freshman experience. It actually called "FYE" or "First Year Experience". The freshman that request it are dormed in the same building. They have specific activities & get togethers for these kids only. DD talked with a friend who did this last year & has been told by others on the tours that this is the best thing they ever did. They told her it is a tough transition but they have made some of the best friends & they were all there to support everyone that had a rough time that first year.

I am going to speak with her again & see if she has come any closer.

We have an opportunity for her to spend a day at the private school campus again on Wednesday. She is reluctant to sign up for it because she is afraid of missing another school day (she missed last Thursday for the campus visit). I could care less if she misses another day of school - but.............need I explain more............it's her personality.

Like I said - it's a vicious cycle that she can't seem to get herself out of.

 

[MELSMICE]

If she is actually this nervous, I'd be getting her some appointments with a good social worker who can help her with a plan to deal with her anxiety. This kind of panic is very real and does not just go away nor can many people just push through it. It's necessary for her to learn real coping mechanisms that work for her. As a parent, I would be sure my child had those skills prior to their departure for college. I see others have suggested the same thing, a counselor to help her work through her decision and anxiety.

Thank you & to others that have suggested this. I am going to speak to both her & my DH about her talking to someone.

 

[A4Disney]

She sits with us in tears & says that she really loves the private school & can see herself there, but "what if I want to change my major & what if I am too homesick".


The small school is only an hour way?I know people who's kids have gone to the state school an hour away.They have come back many times on weekends.The parents have met them for lunch.My dd is going to(this coming fall) a school in state 90 minutes away.I think it's a perfect distance.One hour away, if she really loves the private school shouldn't be a deal breaker.

 

[MELSMICE]

The small school is only an hour way?I know people who's kids have gone to the state school an hour away.They have come back many times on weekends.The parents have met them for lunch.My dd is going to(this coming fall) a school in state 90 minutes away.I think it's a perfect distance.One hour away, if she really loves the private school shouldn't be a deal breaker.

You would think not & for most kids I'm sure it probably isn't. Unfortunately, the decision isn't that easy for her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You know I have a combo of your issues.

My oldest is a college freshman and is going to be a transfer student because she did not totally embrace the college she is at. That is 2hrs away. The college she is going to transfer to is almost 4hrs away.

Youngest (7th grade) is my anxiety kid and thru medication and counseling this past year is going to be attending a 3 week scholar program at a University which is 5hrs away. Yes, she is the smart, perfectionist kid.

Personally my stance would be that she should go to the state school and get some counseling. Sounds like she has some pretty severe anxiety going. Need to get a handle on that because college is a lot of pressure. My oldest is really feeling it.

Hindsight is everything. Can't say what the right thing is. Above all, let your dd make the choice. That is my 2 cents.

Lots of hugs for you, college hell stinks.

 

[kacaju]

If she is actually this nervous, I'd be getting her some appointments with a good social worker who can help her with a plan to deal with her anxiety. This kind of panic is very real and does not just go away nor can many people just push through it. It's necessary for her to learn real coping mechanisms that work for her. As a parent, I would be sure my child had those skills prior to their departure for college. I see others have suggested the same thing, a counselor to help her work through her decision and anxiety.

Please really look into this. I have a dd16 who sounds a lot like your dd. She has been seeing a therapist and she has been doing very well since she has been seeing her!!
She did have to start on some medication this year. She had mono at the beginning of the school year so was out of school a lot. She panicked over trying to catch up with her work and even had her Honors English Teacher tell her to just hand in whatever she had so he didn't gave her a zero. She already had a good enough grade in the class to get a B. He just needed this one piece so she wouldn't get the zero and she stressed so much over it. She wanted it to be perfect.

 

[MrsPete]

If I were in her shoes, I'd pick the state school for several reasons:

1. If she's this terrified of going away, it's wrong to push her to do so. Yes, I'd prefer that my kids go away to school, but I wouldn't force them into a living arrangement that made this this afraid. Let her deal with college classes for now, and in a year or two she'll probably be ready to get an apartment.

2. You said she's already mentioned, "What if I want to change from PT?" I, too, was nervous about what I was going to study in college, and one of the best things I did was to choose a large school in which I could change majors without changing schools.

IF she decided to change, do you have an inkling of what program she might try to switch into? For example, if you think she might leave PT for nursing . . . do they have a good nursing program at these two schools? Or did she waiver between PT and business? Which of these two schools offers business, if that's her almost-chose-this?

3. You said that the state school is a competative one, whereas you didn't say that about the private school. That leads me to think that IF she changes her mind later, it'd be easier to switch to the private school than it would be to switch to the public school.

4. IF she can't get into the competative state school's PT program when the time comes, she can always fall back on the private school. If she was admitted to the PT program once, she'll have no problem being admitted later (assuming her college grades are good, and since none of your concerns revolved around academics, I assume this something about which you're worried).

She's an adult now. Adults do not run to their parents for help. Adults do not "get sick" with worry, because they don't have the time or energy to waste on such things. Adults don't have the luxury of anyone to clean up after them when they don't get things done because they're too nervous to move forward. It's time for you to let her move on, or more accurately, to let the door smack her in the behind on her way out.

No, she's not an adult. She's a high school senior who still lives at home, who has her mom to do her laundry and buy her groceries, and who has to ask permission to go out in the evenings. That's in no way a put-down; it's just where she is in life. Pushing her to be an adult NOW NOW NOW will not help her get over her anxieties.

 

[RachaelA]

I graduated from high school in 04 and college in 08. I went away to a private school over 1000 miles away for my freshman year. I ended up transferring to a state school 45 minutes from home for my sophomore, junior and senior year.

I don't regret a second of going away to school. It was an amazing experience. I met some amazing people and learned a lot about myself and life in general. Yes, I ended up moving back near home, but going away was something I needed to try that way I knew I wasn't settling just because I might have been homesick.

Ultimately, you can't choose for her, but I think she'd missing out on a lot if she stayed home.

 

[Sarah <3 Disney]

Sorry to hear about the anxiety issues your daughter is going through about this decision. I just graduated from a private college in December (and I loved every minute of it! ...Well, not my physical chemistry class so much! ) and just wanted to share my thoughts on this matter. I have a strange feeling this will be quite long!

She absolutely loves the private school but she is extremely nervous about going away. She is afraid she will be too homesick.

My university was only 2.5 hours away. I was home every time my laundry needed to be done (use college kids are poor )! Sure, I felt homesick at times, but knowing that I would be able to see my family in a week helped a lot. In fact, the weeks seem to go by faster when you have something like that to look forward to. It is especially nice that it is only an hour away, so you could visit during the week as well if needed.

If you think she would miss one-on-one contact with you should she go away, I would highly suggest buying web cams with microphones for both of you and use Skype (a free communication program) to talk with one another on the computer. You can hold conversations, but with the added bonus of actually seeing each other via the web cam. Perhaps something like this would calm her fears some? Maybe doing this for both of your daughters would be nice, so she could see her twin as well.

She likes the state university, but is petrified she won't get in to the PT program when the time comes. But.............she likes the fact that she could change her major & have many choices if it should come to that.

While there is always the fear of not being accepted to the program, should she not get in, it is not the end of the world. Most of my friends are all pre-med, and trust me, most students who apply the first time do not get into medical school. One of my friends was just recently rejected, in fact. While it is disappointing at first, you have to pick yourself up, study harder (for the MCAT in the med school case) and just try again!

Have you asked the school what would happen if she was not accepted at the three year mark? Would they really make you change your major after three years of working towards this one goal? Is it simply a test she must take, and would she be able to take it multiple times if necessary? Do you know the statistics of roughly how many students apply for and are accepted to the program? I would try and find out as much info about this as possible. If she was already accepted to the private school's program, that is at least one thing she won't have to worry about.

Plus, she would stay home & keep her current job.

While it would be nice to stay at home, I am of the belief that students are better off when they live on campus. She can easily meet new people and take part in activities planned for the incoming class this way. I know at my school, the Residential Advisers loved planning late night pizza parties and ice cream socials for us.

Also, for her first year of school, I would not suggest having a job. She needs to time to focus on the new school schedule and making friends. Adding work on top of that may be too much for her. I found a job within the chemistry department (biochem major) at the beginning of my sophomore year and worked until I graduated.

She has talked with friends that are in the private school who she knows that said it is difficult to go away at first, but they are so glad they did it.

If she already knows some people who attend the private college she is considering, I would highly suggest asking if she could spend the weekend with them. Granted, this will conflict with the deadline you have established for her for picking a school - unless she skips a couple days this week to do this. She could even go to class with one of her friends just test it out (I know my school allowed prospective students to sit in on classes - the friend just needs to ask the professor). Maybe her friends could introduce her to new people and show her the fun activities that are around campus, but not in a structured format (at those orientations, you are given a time line and expected to follow a herd of equally confused prospective students - it just is not personal). Pick a weekend there is a basketball game or something to that effect. Perhaps if she knew more people and experienced some of the events prior to going to the away school may also help. She will not feel so alone.

My brother went to the same university I did, but graduated the semester before I started. Luckily, I already knew a lot of his younger friends, so I felt a lot more comfortable about leaving home knowing I had some friends already there to look forward to.

Also the same kid that used to vomit before she had a test when she was younger.

My best friend at college would become sick like this before exams. She started taking over the counter stress pills (herbal supplements) that really helped her calm down for them. She also found that chewing gum helped her concentrate during them. I agree with the other posters that you should look into some sort of medication and/or counseling for her right now.

She sits with us in tears & says that she really loves the private school & can see herself there, but "what if I want to change my major & what if I am too homesick". Then she says, "I think the state school will be better because I will have more options & then I am home............but what if regret not going away when I really love the private school."

The way you are typing this makes me feel like she really wants the private school. And just because she may be going to a small school, that does not mean her potential major choices are limited. Go to the school website and download a pdf of the course catalog if you were not given one during one of your visits (usually found in the registrar section of the web page). This should have every single major and class the school offers, and just seeing all of the options may help ease her mind about the potential of switching majors around.

Wow, I certainly rambled on, didn't I? I think Homer would be jealous of that epic!

 

[a1tinkfans]

I have 2 DD's that will be entering college in the fall. I also have one that will be a senior - I'm not sure how I got to be the mom of college age children, but I did.

Anyway, one of my twins has decided on her college. Deposit sent in & we're moving forward with all the preparations.

My other twin is just sick with worry about making the right decision. She is trying to choose between 2 colleges. She is going for physical therapy. One is a local state university that is a great school. It is also a competitive school & she is not automatically in the PT department. She will need to apply to get in to it in 3 years.

The 2nd school is a small private school about an hour away that is the perfect fit for her. It is difficult to get in to their PT program, but she has already been accepted in to it. I'm sure she would excel at this school.

We have visited both schools twice. She absolutely loves the private school but she is extremely nervous about going away. She is afraid she will be too homesick. She also is nervous that she won't want to stay in PT & is afraid it will be difficult to change her major - this is even after talking to some students last week that did change their major with no difficulty.

She likes the state university, but is petrified she won't get in to the PT program when the time comes. But.............she likes the fact that she could change her major & have many choices if it should come to that. Plus, she would stay home & keep her current job.

When I say she is torn, she is sick with worry. She was in tears last night. DH & I don't know what to do to help her. We have listed the pros & cons of each school numerous times. We have talked over & over about how each path will give her different options.

She has talked with friends that are in the private school who she knows that said it is difficult to go away at first, but they are so glad they did it. I told her worst case scenario, she stays 5 nights in a row at the college, comes home on the weekends & then transfers to the state school after her first semester or the first year if she really, really hates it. My sister also lives only a few minutes away from the campus & would be there in a minute if my DD needed her.

Honestly, I know her............she will have a difficult time at first..............
but once she adjusts I know she would love it. But.................as a parent, I don't want to push her in to a situation that is going to make her physically ill. She is the same kid that threw up on the first day of 1st grade because she was going to a new school. Also the same kid that used to vomit before she had a test when she was younger. She's also the same kid that would not sleep over at anyone's house until about 3 or 4 years ago because she claims that one night at a sleepover in 2nd grade she was up "all night" because she wanted to come home but was afraid to wake anyone up.

She is a perfectionist & has always been afraid to make a mistake - seriously. She would not answer questions when she was younger even if she knew the answer because she's was afraid of being wrong. We worked with her & she is better with that. She is afraid of making decisions because it might not be the "perfect" decision. We have told her that there is no right or wrong decision, just different decisions that will be perfect for her regardless of what it is.

If it was 2 local schools we would seriously just tell her this is where you're going & that's it. However, because it's one local & one that is away it creates a completely different situation. Do we tell her to go to the private school & force her to go away, or do we tell her to go to local university & then she misses going away - especially knowing this is really where she wants to go?

She sits with us in tears & says that she really loves the private school & can see herself there, but "what if I want to change my major & what if I am too homesick". Then she says, "I think the state school will be better because I will have more options & then I am home............but what if regret not going away when I really love the private school."

She is literally making herself sick over this & we don't know what to do. We go from trying to console her, then sitting & talking logically with her, then getting angry that she won't make a decision & then back to consoling.

She wants to go to college, so it's not because she's afraid or doesn't want to go at all. She has a great scholarship at both schools.

If you stayed with me through this "book" thanks..............I'm just looking to vent & "talk" to others instead of just her & my DH.

Hmmmmmmm
Well, part of growing up is being able to make decisions..so I say this is a learning curve, growing experience for her.
Meanwhile, 1 hour away and she is dorming....Goodness, I think thats LUCKY for her to have that option, Many kids I know commute that each day for school My son is 45 min for HS!!!
I say she sounds like one very lucky girl and I want to wish her the very best at whatever she decides and "strength" to you parents for having all these college decisions to be made! Good Luck, Let us know what she decides....
That "nerves" thing can really become debilitating and needs to get addressed, it can and will likely get worse at college, especially in the beginning, so she needs some coping mechanisms....I'd try and address that now before she goes, where ever she chooses! To me, thats the "real concern"

 

[golfgal]

GO TO THE PRIVATE SCHOOL--the FYE is the same program my DS has and it is WONDERFUL. It is probably 80% of why he picked that school. A couple things they said they do in the program when we were up with DS signing up for classes is that they keep track of how many times a kid uses their meal card and if they aren't using it enough the RA's will organize a group of people and "casually" drag along the student that isn't going to the dining hall enough. They also said that if you haven't heard your child talk in a positive manner of at least one person several times they want a phone call (they said to give it 3 weeks). They will then make sure everything is ok. They said that the most successful "college students" bond with someone, a roommate, teacher, RA, whatever within 3 weeks. The RA's go through extra training, etc. In DS's school they actually have a one credit class they have to take along with the FYE program that helps them adjust to all things college.