My DD is sick over her college decision & we don't know how to help her. (very long)

[MELSMICE]

I have 2 DD's that will be entering college in the fall. I also have one that will be a senior - I'm not sure how I got to be the mom of college age children, but I did.

Anyway, one of my twins has decided on her college. Deposit sent in & we're moving forward with all the preparations.

My other twin is just sick with worry about making the right decision. She is trying to choose between 2 colleges. She is going for physical therapy. One is a local state university that is a great school. It is also a competitive school & she is not automatically in the PT department. She will need to apply to get in to it in 3 years.

The 2nd school is a small private school about an hour away that is the perfect fit for her. It is difficult to get in to their PT program, but she has already been accepted in to it. I'm sure she would excel at this school.

We have visited both schools twice. She absolutely loves the private school but she is extremely nervous about going away. She is afraid she will be too homesick. She also is nervous that she won't want to stay in PT & is afraid it will be difficult to change her major - this is even after talking to some students last week that did change their major with no difficulty.

She likes the state university, but is petrified she won't get in to the PT program when the time comes. But.............she likes the fact that she could change her major & have many choices if it should come to that. Plus, she would stay home & keep her current job.

When I say she is torn, she is sick with worry. She was in tears last night. DH & I don't know what to do to help her. We have listed the pros & cons of each school numerous times. We have talked over & over about how each path will give her different options.

She has talked with friends that are in the private school who she knows that said it is difficult to go away at first, but they are so glad they did it. I told her worst case scenario, she stays 5 nights in a row at the college, comes home on the weekends & then transfers to the state school after her first semester or the first year if she really, really hates it. My sister also lives only a few minutes away from the campus & would be there in a minute if my DD needed her.

Honestly, I know her............she will have a difficult time at first..............
but once she adjusts I know she would love it. But.................as a parent, I don't want to push her in to a situation that is going to make her physically ill. She is the same kid that threw up on the first day of 1st grade because she was going to a new school. Also the same kid that used to vomit before she had a test when she was younger. She's also the same kid that would not sleep over at anyone's house until about 3 or 4 years ago because she claims that one night at a sleepover in 2nd grade she was up "all night" because she wanted to come home but was afraid to wake anyone up.

She is a perfectionist & has always been afraid to make a mistake - seriously. She would not answer questions when she was younger even if she knew the answer because she's was afraid of being wrong. We worked with her & she is better with that. She is afraid of making decisions because it might not be the "perfect" decision. We have told her that there is no right or wrong decision, just different decisions that will be perfect for her regardless of what it is.

If it was 2 local schools we would seriously just tell her this is where you're going & that's it. However, because it's one local & one that is away it creates a completely different situation. Do we tell her to go to the private school & force her to go away, or do we tell her to go to local university & then she misses going away - especially knowing this is really where she wants to go?

She sits with us in tears & says that she really loves the private school & can see herself there, but "what if I want to change my major & what if I am too homesick". Then she says, "I think the state school will be better because I will have more options & then I am home............but what if regret not going away when I really love the private school."

She is literally making herself sick over this & we don't know what to do. We go from trying to console her, then sitting & talking logically with her, then getting angry that she won't make a decision & then back to consoling.

She wants to go to college, so it's not because she's afraid or doesn't want to go at all. She has a great scholarship at both schools.

If you stayed with me through this "book" thanks..............I'm just looking to vent & "talk" to others instead of just her & my DH.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, my parents gave us no choice but to go away for college. It's a great transition from childhood to adulthood, giving some independence, but still being supervised. It can really be a good learning experience, living away from home, but being able to come back home.

We were also told that we were welcome to live at home, up until the age of 25. Since my sister and I went away to college, we were in our own apartments within a year of graduating college.

I hope my kids choose to go away to college (I'm not going to force them, because unlike my situation, I won't be able to pay 100% for the cost of college).

 

[4greatboys]

My oldest son went to the University here in town but he lived on campus. I liked the idea of being fairly close by incase he needed something or we just wanted to see him and he had the benefit of being on his own.

 

[SDFgirl]

I would encourage her to go to the private school.

In this case, it sounds like she needs a little push from you.

If she hates it she can always come home. And, if she does come home, it may be the first step in realizing that she can make a "wrong" decision and still come out okay! I think it sounds like that's a lesson she's going to have to learn in life. It may never be easy for her, but she will need to get better at taking risks and feeling okay if she flops on her face.

And, odds are, she'll love it - even if she does change her major. What a confidence-builder it would be for her to be on her own, having fun and making new friends.

This is something I'm struggling with too. My DD is only 2.5 but I can already see that she is NOT a risk-taker. She's very cautious. I don't want to negate her feelings, but I do sometimes push her outside her comfort zone a little bit to let her see that life's not all that scary!

 

[java]

Let her know that it isn't the end of the world. If she goes away to school and hates it she can transfer into her state school (the opposite might not be as easy to do)
Maybe painting it as not a FINAL decision one that still has options even after you are there makes it seem less scary.
Good luck to her. I remember that feeling. And also remember how relaxed I was after I made my decision!

 

[Disney Doll]

Sounds like she needs to go away, make a few mistakes and realize she won't die nor will the world end.

 

[MELSMICE]

I would encourage her to go to the private school.

In this case, it sounds like she needs a little push from you.

If she hates it she can always come home. And, if she does come home, it may be the first step in realizing that she can make a "wrong" decision and still come out okay! I think it sounds like that's a lesson she's going to have to learn in life. It may never be easy for her, but she will need to get better at taking risks and feeling okay if she flops on her face.

And, odds are, she'll love it - even if she does change her major. What a confidence-builder it would be for her to be on her own, having fun and making new friends.

This is something I'm struggling with too. My DD is only 2.5 but I can already see that she is NOT a risk-taker. She's very cautious. I don't want to negate her feelings, but I do sometimes push her outside her comfort zone a little bit to let her see that life's not all that scary!

Let her know that it isn't the end of the world. If she goes away to school and hates it she can transfer into her state school (the opposite might not be as easy to do)
Maybe painting it as not a FINAL decision one that still has options even after you are there makes it seem less scary.
Good luck to her. I remember that feeling. And also remember how relaxed I was after I made my decision!

I bolded the 2 items above because we have said this over & over & over again. We have told her that nothing is written in stone & if it's not right for her she can transfer to the state university. We told her if she doesn't give it a shot she'll never know. I am 99.9% sure she would love it once she got adjusted.

Knowing what type of kid she is we looked right at her & asked if she wanted our opinion. We both have told her that we feel the private school is the better decision for her, but the ultimate decision is up to her.

Our dilemma at this point - we seriously don't know what else to do. We are heading out of town at the end of the week for 2+ weeks & told our twins that the decision had to be made before we left. She gave an April 1 deadline. Her twin made the decision & moved on to preparations for the next stage! This DD is struggling so much.

We've hugged her & told her either decision will be the right one for her. We've told her we see the private school as a better option. It's like a vicious cycle she can't get herself out of mentally.

Do we force her to go away & then she hates it? She's afraid she'll regret staying home. We told her there are no regrets in life, just different paths. UGH.

Thanks for letting me "talk"!

 

[MELSMICE]

Sounds like she needs to go away, make a few mistakes and realize she won't die nor will the world end.

I agree, but how do I convince someone that gets physically ill & nervous to the point of hyperventilating at times?

I know she'll get through it. I know it will be tough for her. My heart will break for her knowing that she is struggling if she goes away. How do I convince her that she will live through it?

 

[onelilspark]

Really, when you look at it, an hour away isn't that far. It might be good for her, she's going to have to leave home at some point. But this way, she's still close enough that if she gets homesick (and it's okay if she does: I got homesick too at college, but I was 12 hours away from home, not exactly an easy weekend treck back) she can make the trip home. It also gives her enough room to spread her wings a little bit. When I graduated (back in 2007) I imediately moved to a new state for a job. I don't think I could have done this if I stayed in the same town for school, I wouldn't have been comfortable with it.

 

[Shmily1]

DS20 is 1 1/2 hrs from home at college and is having the time of his life!! DD19 is living at home and driving 45 minutes two days a week to go to college. She had planned to go with DS because he's doing so well and loves it so much but instead... we have DGS8 months so she had to live at home since shes couldn't take him to the dorm and I wouldn't be close enough to help her. She realizes she's missing out but has a different life. By her taking this path, she will graduate college the same year as DS (both with a BS, his in business and hers in early childhood ed.) but she's focusing on getting it over with so she can make a life for DGS and DS--well--he's just focusing on making good grades and having fun. He's on the dean's list so he's doing the work, but he having so much fun!!

The best thing that happened to DS to make him comfortable was orientation. I went with him to it. It was for two days. He had to stay overnight and I could or I could go home. Since it was so close, I just went home and he was furious that I wouldn't let him leave too. I got there the next morning and he was bouncing off the walls. He had made so many new friends and had a blast! We have already signed the lease for his duplex for next year ("it's a duplex, not an apartment"-DS famous words) and his roommates are the same ones from orientation.

Best advice, find out when orientation is for the private school. Usually, there are several so pick the first one for her and go to it. See how that goes for her and then you will know if she needs to choose the local university. If you are right, the orientation will tell the story.

 

[DisneyCrazy915]

I can sympathize with your daughter on the "what if's" I agonized over them before college and I'm still doing it. If she has already been accepted into the program that she wants I'd say go for it. It's difficult enough to get into those types of programs. If she decides to change her major, it's really no big deal. I changed my major 3 times officially and 5 times unofficially, granted I was never in a special program. I also got to live at home for the first two years and commute, and then I moved away for the rest. It's a great learning experience, but it was nice to take it in doses, the transition from high school to college courses and then living at home to living independently.
And it is completely normal to feel nervous, anxious, uncertain, homesick, you name it. I still feel this way sometimes and I'm a senior.
IMO, I'd tell her to try to relax and enjoy the college experience. If she changes her mind, don't worry about it too much, nothing is cast in concrete, things happen and people change their minds all the time. I can understand how she feels though. When I was a freshman, I felt like I was being told that the decision I make now will shape the course of my entire life and it's irreversible. You make one academic mistake and you're screwed. Wrong! If this is what she's thinking, tell her to not let it seep into her unconscious, it'll eat away at you and then you'll be there forever.
And if she's only an hour away, she can come home for the day if she's homesick.

 

[Stitch2007]

I went to college about an 1 1/2 hours away from home. I was so homesick - would cry on the phone every night to my mom which made her a nervous wreck. My Freshman year I came home every weekend. Sophomore year I came home every other weekend. By my Junior year I became involved with the rowing team and had to stay on the weekends for practice. I also met a girl who is still my best friend now. I was home sick my entire 4 years, but now I'm glad I stuck it out and now we all laugh at how home sick I was. My best friend's sister went away to college and end up hating the school and transfered closer home after her first semester. She ended up changing schools again before she finally graduated. Just keep reminding your daughter that if she doesn't like the school she can always transfer. It's not a final decision.

 

[cabanafrau]

Something that might help your DD is some time talking w/ someone regarding anxiety issues. It seems like some generalized anxiety underlies all of the things she's struggling with. A few sessions w/ a therapist might be just the ticket to help her move far enough along to make her decision & get her started in the fall.

Very best of luck to all of you. Hope to read some "brag" posts in the future about how well college is going for all of your DD's, and how well set they are for great careers.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Not to sound callous, but your daughter needs to learn to not keep getting sick whenever there's a major change in her life. Will she throw up the night before her wedding? Will she get sick the first time she has to change a diaper? These are the things which are coming up for her, and which she needs to be ready to face. She's not going to learn that sort of independence by being closer to you. Not only would I strongly encourage her to go away to school, I would strongly encourage you not to let her come home every weekend, even if you really want her to.

As to how you convince someone who gets sick with nervousness and hyperventilates...well, this is going to sound even more callous, but the same way you deal with a horse that's terrified of something silly like a garbage can. You ignore it and them and just keep walking as if nothing has happened. You let them hyperventilate and freak out and throw up. It's not going to kill them. And you don't help them. No one will be there to help her at school, except, perhaps, the good friends you hope she'll make. You most definitely do not try to calm them because then they know that they can get a good reaction out of you by acting all worked up. They want you to care for them forever, you want them to care for themselves. At some point, you must let them deal with it.

Yes, it's hard. We all hate to see our loved ones struggle. But I guarantee you, the faster you turn away from it, the faster it will clear up on its own.

She's an adult now. Adults do not run to their parents for help. Adults do not "get sick" with worry, because they don't have the time or energy to waste on such things. Adults don't have the luxury of anyone to clean up after them when they don't get things done because they're too nervous to move forward. It's time for you to let her move on, or more accurately, to let the door smack her in the behind on her way out.

 

[Sparx]

Not to sound callous, but your daughter needs to learn to not keep getting sick whenever there's a major change in her life. Will she throw up the night before her wedding? Will she get sick the first time she has to change a diaper? These are the things which are coming up for her, and which she needs to be ready to face. She's not going to learn that sort of independence by being closer to you. Not only would I strongly encourage her to go away to school, I would strongly encourage you not to let her come home every weekend, even if you really want her to.

As to how you convince someone who gets sick with nervousness and hyperventilates...well, this is going to sound even more callous, but the same way you deal with a horse that's terrified of something silly like a garbage can. You ignore it and them and just keep walking as if nothing has happened. You let them hyperventilate and freak out and throw up. It's not going to kill them. And you don't help them. No one will be there to help her at school, except, perhaps, the good friends you hope she'll make. You most definitely do not try to calm them because then they know that they can get a good reaction out of you by acting all worked up. They want you to care for them forever, you want them to care for themselves. At some point, you must let them deal with it.

Yes, it's hard. We all hate to see our loved ones struggle. But I guarantee you, the faster you turn away from it, the faster it will clear up on its own.

She's an adult now. Adults do not run to their parents for help. Adults do not "get sick" with worry, because they don't have the time or energy to waste on such things. Adults don't have the luxury of anyone to clean up after them when they don't get things done because they're too nervous to move forward. It's time for you to let her move on, or more accurately, to let the door smack her in the behind on her way out.

You don't become an adult over night. This is a major decision in her life, and no she isn't coping correctly, but throwing her out and saying "You're all grown up, you better not ask me for help" isn't going to be any better than coddling her.

 

[BuzznBelle'smom]

A few thoughts...

Emphasizing that her aunt is nearby the private school might help. A friendly face is only minutes away!

It might help clarify her thinking if she writes down the pros and cons of each school. Each list can be as long as she likes.

If neither of those things helps, have her flip a coin. Or, flip it for her. heads school A, tails school B. Don't look at the coin--ask her which side she hopes won.

I agree with others that it sounds like the private school is the better choice for her. But, it's her choice to make. I can understand your reluctance to appear to be shoving a sensitive kid out the door (that's not what you're doing, but it may feel that way to her).

Good luck, I hope it all works out for her. And your other DD, too, but she sounds like she knows the path she's on.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

You don't become an adult over night. This is a major decision in her life, and no she isn't coping correctly, but throwing her out and saying "You're all grown up, you better not ask me for help" isn't going to be any better than coddling her.

Who said she was throwing her out? The girl is going away to college, that's hardly real life. And yes, technically, you do become an adult overnight. If the OP did want to throw her out at 18, she'd be entirely within her rights. That being said, you are correct, she is not coping correctly. Giving her a convenient means to back out of her decisions isn't going to help her either.

 

[palmtreegirl]

I think your handling very well, just keep doing what your doing and let her make the decision. I think the advice to push her to go away is wrong, some kids just aren't ready and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

 

[MELSMICE]

Really, when you look at it, an hour away isn't that far. It might be good for her, she's going to have to leave home at some point. But this way, she's still close enough that if she gets homesick (and it's okay if she does: I got homesick too at college, but I was 12 hours away from home, not exactly an easy weekend treck back) she can make the trip home.

I completely agree with all of this & we have told her this same thing so many times!

A few thoughts...

Emphasizing that her aunt is nearby the private school might help. A friendly face is only minutes away!

It might help clarify her thinking if she writes down the pros and cons of each school. Each list can be as long as she likes.

If neither of those things helps, have her flip a coin. Or, flip it for her. heads school A, tails school B. Don't look at the coin--ask her which side she hopes won.

I agree with others that it sounds like the private school is the better choice for her. But, it's her choice to make. I can understand your reluctance to appear to be shoving a sensitive kid out the door (that's not what you're doing, but it may feel that way to her).

Good luck, I hope it all works out for her. And your other DD, too, but she sounds like she knows the path she's on.

Funny you should say all of this. Her aunt told her yesterday at dinner that whenever she was homesick she'd be right there for her. My sister has no kids of her own & spoils my girls rotten. The spa she treats them to quite often is almost within walking distance of the school!!!

Pros & cons.............written over & over. I saw a new list she made yesterday.

Flipping the coin..........on the way to church yesterday her twin said, "you should reflect in church about your decision & maybe you'll get a sign". She opened the church missal (sp?) & the reading contained the phrase "Jesus of Nazareth". The private school is Nazareth - I told her that "someone" was telling her to go there.

Her sister..................I worry about her but for other reasons! She's the one we'll need to reign in from having too much fun while away.

 

[Micca]

Are there any other options? How about community college for a year until she can decide if PT is really the path she wants to take? Just asking.

I also agree that lliving an hour away shouldn't be too traumatic. Heck, some people live in cities where it takes more than a hour just to get to/from work.

Good luck, this is all going to turn out fine.