My daughter's Relationship with her Boyfriend

[JanetRose]

My daughter has been dating someone for about six months. They both care very much for each other. In being very honest about their relationship, he told her that he does not see them together after he graduates this coming May. They plan on moving/doing their own thing after graduation to include moving to different parts of the country. They are both 21 years old so they are both young.

My daughter doesn’t know if she should end the relationship now or enjoy it until May. I told her to stay and have fun with this person she cares so much for.

What do you think?

 

[IWISHFORDISNEY]

Honestly, why waste your time one someone like that when you could be meeting the love of your life. Nope I wouldnt want my daughter to waste one more second on this person. Sorry.

 

[JanetRose]

But he could always change his mind too. How can anyone be sure what they will want almost a year from now. I told her that people change a lot in their 20's so why get serious now anyway. I also told her to enjoy college and her friends.

 

[Stephanie218]

End it now. It will be much easier in the long run. If she stays for another 10 months, she'll be essentially wasting that time that she could be meeting someone else. I have learned not to waste time on people who don't see me in their future.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Honestly, why waste your time one someone like that when you could be meeting the love of your life. Nope I wouldnt want my daughter to waste one more second on this person. Sorry.

I'll second that. Hard to feel good about a relationship that is doomed too. Kind of puts a damper on things. I'd encourage her to start anew. Develop hobbies and friends and branch out (and away).

 

[Stephanie218]

But he could always change his mind too. How can anyone be sure what they will want almost a year from now. I told her that people change a lot in their 20's so why get serious now anyway. I also told her to enjoy college and her friends.

OK, I'll elaborate more, haha. In HS, I had a friend who did the "planned breakup" with his girlfriend...only he told us (his friends), not the GF. He did break up with her right as he planned. I don't think you can count on him changing his mind, so it's best to plan for the worst, or at least what he's planning on doing now. If she doesn't mean that much to him that he's planning on breaking up with her in a year, I just don't see that as being worth it.

As for the ages, I met my husband when I was 21 - so you never know. I was enjoying college and my friends, and still found something serious that was worth my time.

 

[moon]

But he could always change his mind too. How can anyone be sure what they will want almost a year from now. I told her that people change a lot in their 20's so why get serious now anyway. I also told her to enjoy college and her friends.

He is being honest now. Believe what he's telling her. If she stays in the relationship hoping he will change his mind she's only setting herself up for a big disappointment.

I'm with the others, end it now.

 

[minkydog]

I agree with you. No need to just dump the guy. If he's planning to become a journalist he has a lot of hard work to look forward to. I think he is being very realistic about his ability to give himself to a relationship right now. They're both young and my hat's off to him for even being that honest with her.He sounds like a stand-up guy. So, perhaps you might encourage her to date other guys while still maintaining a close friendship with this one. You never know--if he's The One, it will all work out in the end. But it may take some time for both of them to grow up and get established.

 

[clh2]

Essentially, he gave her a ten month "break-up" notice.

I wouldn't be hanging around for a minute. Maybe during the time apart, he'll reconsider his stance, and I do know people this has happened to.

No doubt it will be hard for your DD, but as the saying goes, this too shall pass.

 

[What the Heck]

I say let her decide and support her either way. On the one hand, she may or may not be wasting her time, but the other hand, they are 21. They have time to "waste". Even if they do break up in May, it's not wasted time - its experience.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

It needs to be ended.......Another year and she will be so much more connected it will make it so much more difficult on her.

I would be concerned why she is hanging-on knowing it isn't going any further....Make sure as her Mom there isn't a self esteem issue going on.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Well, ultimately she will do what she wants to do, and you will need to support her either way. But if you ask me what I think she should do - I think she should walk away now. It is only going to hurt more a year from now, and she deserves to be with someone who cares about her enough to plan a future with her.

Teresa

PS And if he is going to change his mind, maybe being without her now will make him realize what he's missing...

 

[ZuZugal]

I believe that Maya Angelou said it best...
"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time!"

If he knows he doesn't care enough about her to be with her in a year why should she "wait around" for him to break her heart?

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm weird, I have no problem admitting it. Why not let your daughter decide? I don't understand why it has to be going somewhere. She's young she is having fun and enjoying and yes he told her that he will probably want to break up when he graduates. Why can't they still date and enjoy each other? Dating doesn't always have to lead to forever, it can just be enjoying going out and enjoying that person's company and having fun. If it's meant to be it'll happen and if not her real love will come along at some point.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

I believe that Maya Angelou said it best...
"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time!"

If he knows he doesn't care enough about her to be with her in a year why should she "wait around" for him to break her heart?

I have that quote written in my office!

 

[RitaZ.]

Basically, he doesn't see her fitting into his future life. He has given her a deadline. Well, isn't that nice of him? I'm not saying that they should be talking about marriage or anything like that. They're young, there is no rush. IMO, the message he is sending her is, "You're good enough for right now". I'd save him the trouble and drop him like a hot potato. Let him find himself someone else to fill "the gap" between now and next May.

 

[Tiggeroo]

Don't underestimate how serious people in their 20's take relationships. I have three kids in their early 20's. I'd say hanging on for a year could cause her to become much more attached and serious and then hurt. Move on. If he could change his mind he'd do it now when she ends it and he is still in the area.

 

[mumzie2three]

I say let her decide and support her either way. On the one hand, she may or may not be wasting her time, but the other hand, they are 21. They have time to "waste". Even if they do break up in May, it's not wasted time - its experience.

I agree. At 21 neither one of them should be looking for "The One". He was just being honest by saying outloud the things he is thinking. Nothing is written in stone. Even if he said the opposite, that he wanted them to get married after graduation, May is a long way off and anything can happen.

My DD spent her Freshman year of college in another state and early on her boyfriend expressed concerns about keeping the relationship going. They talked about breaking up, but it never happened. They are still together but with no plans for the future.

I'm really surprised at the responses so far. I don't think breaking up now will hurt less than breaking up further down the road. Break-ups suck!

 

[peterloveswdw]

I believe that Maya Angelou said it best...
"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time!"

If he knows he doesn't care enough about her to be with her in a year why should she "wait around" for him to break her heart?

Wow. That is a powerful quote from the great Maya Angelou. I'll definitely have to remember that one.

Having suffered a major heartbreak with a girl I was in love with when I was in high school, I understand how hard it is to let someone go. At the same time I know that once you get over the heartbreak, a new world of possibilities opens up before you.

Tell her that she should end it. And if she needs someone to talk to, be there for her whenever she needs you regardless of the time of day.

Good luck to the both of you.

 

[Wishing on a star]

First, it is HER relationship. She is an adult. I would not make it my business to offer any strong advice. I agree with the above poster that your biggest role should be to be there for her.

Having said that.. Any adult young woman who would hang around for a year and give free and easy yahoo to somebody who's only commitment is to 'dump' her.... Wow... How could anybody with any self respect do that.

About the 'hangin' out and havin' fun...' How could it be 'fun' to hang out with somebody who has stated that they are using you and will dump you?

She is a 21 year old adult.
(I simply cannot believe that anyone thinks that a 21 year old adult should not be looking ahead, looking to find a life partner!!!!)
These are not high school kids.

Doesn't she deserve somebody who actually loves her!

She should lose this user and move forward.