My dad, his "girlfriends" and DS...Need advice/opinions (long)

[skuttle]

First, let me give a little back ground. My parents divorced when I was in the fourth grade (I'll be 26 in October so that was a long time ago). I don't know much about the divorce, other than it happened...they never talked about it and I never asked. I don't have any memories of figthing between the two of them, so I'm grateful for that. They've also always had a pretty decent relationship...of course my mom has made some comments in front of me about my dad while I was growing up that she probably shouldn't have, but I know that comes from the fact that she's still hurt even after all these years. Which is probably the reason she has never been interested in dating again. I'm also an only child.

My dad never introduced me to anyone he was dating until I started college. In college (1996), I met his girlfriend. This wasn't someone that was responsible for the break up of my parents marriage, so I had no reason to hate her, but I did. Okay...maybe not really hate her, but I hated the idea of her...of my dad having a girlfriend. Silly, I know, considering the divorce was YEARS ago, but it still bothered me. I think a lot of it had to do with how my dad introduced us. He invited DH (then boyfriend) over to his house for lunch, we walked in and there was this woman cooking at the stove. All he said was, "This is Mary". Then, we walk into the living room, and there are pictures of people I've never seen before...pictures of HER family...they were obviously living together. I was horrified...I cried and just couldn't look at her. Again, I know, silly and childish...not like she was the reason my parents divorced, but it still bothered me. I guess I was just so unprepared. It took me a REALLY long time to acknowledge her and actually call her Mary when I talked about her instead of "That lady". I was never rude to her, but I don't think I was overly friendly to her either.

Since then, I have been introduced to three other "girlfriends". I had the same reaction each time (minus the crying). It's always just bothered me for some reason. Maybe it's the only child in me coming out, , I don't know.

So today, DS and I were visited my dad. My dad mentioned that he'd like to come up here for lunch on Saturday. I said that was fine. He said that "The girl I'm dating would like to meet Colin". So this is yet ANOTHER girlfriend. The one before I had just met for Christmas, and now he has a different one.

Now, I know my dad loves DS and loves to show him off to everyone, so I understand that he wants his new girlfriend to meet him and I understand her wanting to meet us since we are a big part of my dad's life.

But here's the problem...I'm concerned about DS meeting all of these different women. I know he's still too young to understand, but eventually there will come a time when DS realizes that PawPaw seems to date a lot of different people. This is the second girlfriend DS will meet and he's only 13 months old. I'm just not sure if I like that. But, on the same hand, I'm not sure if I'm *really* concerned about the effect on DS or if I'm just trying to find excuses to not have to meet all these different women all the time. I know my dad is an adult and dating is normal, I just don't know if I want all these random women being brought into my DS's life only to be gone within a few months.

Thanks for letting me vent...it feels better just writing it all down as this is something that's been bothering me for a while.
Any thoughts/advice/opinions will be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Cruisin]

I don't really have any advice for you, I have not lived through that situation so I don't know how it feels.

I will tell you though how I deal with boyfriend/girlfriends that my children bring home. I try to treat each and every one of them as if they were "the" one. Because you never know who or when the right person will come along.

 

[minniecarousel]

As long as no one expects your son to call any of these women "Nana" or "Grandma", I don't see a problem. On the other hand, I've never been in this situation, so maybe you should wait for some feed-back from people who have "been there".

Hang in there!

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

It sounds like you haven't gotten over the divorce. That's perfectly normal especially since no one talked about it.

My DH's mom has been married 10 times or so. This is not including the multitude of boyfriends

If you choose to be a part of your dad's life, you and your DS will get used to the revolving door and learn not to get too close to the new lady in your dad's life.

Of course, I don't think it's too much to ask your dad not to have the lady around if it makes you uncomfortable. Now if he does get serious with someone then that is a different story. This is what we've done with DD.

Good luck to you.

 

[gymnasticsmom68]

I don't see the problem. 4 or 5 girlfriends in 18 years? That's not horrible.

 

[skuttle]

Thanks everyone.

I have to be over the divorce by now, don't I? That was over 15 years ago! I don't know...

I really do think I am concerned about the possible effects the "revovling door" may have on DS. Part of me would rather my Dad wait until he is serious with someone to introduce them to DS...but at the same time I know my dad is an adult and he's not doing anything wrong by dating and wanting that person to meet DS since my dad adores DS.

I don't know...maybe I just have to suck it up and get over it.

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

some things you just never get over.

 

[skuttle]

gymnasticsmom...is that 18 a typo? I really don't know how many girlfriends my dad has had before he started introducing me to them when I started college. But yes, if you meant 8 years rather than 18, I know that really isn't bad....but when my DS meets two different women within 6 months...that just doesn't sit right with me for some reason.

 

[Dan Murphy]

I hear, ya, Allison, but have no ideas for you, other than a My best. Not much help, but do hear you.

 

[robinb]

Originally posted by skuttle
Thanks everyone.

I have to be over the divorce by now, don't I? That was over 15 years ago! I don't know...

I really do think I am concerned about the possible effects the "revovling door" may have on DS. Part of me would rather my Dad wait until he is serious with someone to introduce them to DS...but at the same time I know my dad is an adult and he's not doing anything wrong by dating and wanting that person to meet DS since my dad adores DS.

I don't know...maybe I just have to suck it up and get over it.

That would be my advise. There is no "revolving door" here as these women are not being represented as your DS's grandmother. They are your father's friends who are in an adult relationship with him. That adult relationship should not effect your DS in any way. It is unfair for you to ask your father to hide his relationships from you and you're using your son as an excuse to do just that. Families are not always perfect, but you can work harder on making yours better by "sucking up" and accepting these women for who they are: people who also care for your father.

 

[Keli]

I think maybe you should just go with the flow on this and let your son meet these women. I think as long as they are introduced as paw-paw's 'friend' it won't be a big deal to your ds. But I can see how this would still be hard for you, because I know it would be hard for me if I were you. As someone else stated, there are some things that you just don't get over and divorce of my parents would be one for me.

 

[CamColt]

I can only imagine how tough it must be on you guys to deal with something like this. But, I would agree with Keli. If these women are known as "Paw Paw's friends", I dont think it could do any harm to DS. But I have no experience with this, so my opinion may be worthless.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

My father is deceased and it is hard to introduce my children to whomever my mother is dating. I don't want them to become attached to these men and then they break up. I understand break ups but young children don't. My mother hasn't dated in a long time. I do want her to remarry and am always very nice to her friends.

Now, my player brother, is a different story. He is divorced and has a different girlfriend everytime we see him. My children often call his girlfriend by the wrong name. In the car I always practice with the children. Uncle Chris is dating " "! Uncle Chris is dating " "!

This all makes me appreciate my husband and I am so glad that I am out of the dating scene.

Lori

 

[Serena]

I don't have any advice, I'm sorry.

 

[shortbun]

I'm 50 so my memories may be cloudy but as a little girl, I
spent loads of time with my grandpa. He'd come and take me
for the afternoon or I'd spend the night with him. He was
divorced from my grandmother. He had lots of girlfriends. He'd
take me to their houses or on dates with them to get ice cream,
lunch, take walks. I remember some of them pretty well. Granpa
has been dead since I was 18. I still miss him because I was
central in his life as a child. I don't worry about all those women,
nor do I think it bugged me then. They were all nice to me, gave
me snaks, laughed and had fun with me. Grandpa was a ladies
man but he always called me his "#1." What exactly are you
worried about? Is visiting with your Dad rare? Is it only to
meet a new woman or does he spend other time with you and
your family. I'm thinkin' you still have your nose out of joint about
the divorce and yep, you're right, it's time to get over that.
I'm sorry this all makes you feel bad. I don't think your child is
in any way going to suffer from this.

 

[amid chaos]

I'm sure Colin has met many of your friends..well these are Pawpaws friends.

 

[bjgrazi]

Why don't you try and look at it this way, what if you Dad had some guy friends, that he hung out with and introduced them to your son. It would be no big deal right? They're just buddies. Try looking at it that way. If you make it a big deal then it's a big deal, simplify it and it's simple.

It may help you in the long run. Good luck and hugs to you.

 

[Hillbeans]

First off, big hug to you!

Second, I don't quite know all of what you're going through, but my 71 year old father has started dating again after my mom died last August. He had his first date 5 weeks after she died and my brother and I (34 and 33) were horrified. It's never easy to think about your parents dating. We met this woman less than 2 months after my mom died, and it was a huge uncomfortable production. Then, weeks later, he started dating someone else and I wondered why he went through such an elaborate thing for us and our 3 kids under 5 to meet his "woman" who had since dropped out of the picture.

All I can say to you is try and be has honest with your dad as possible. If you dont want your child to meet a different woman every week, it's up to you to limit it. Hang in there....I know it's difficult and you have to do what's best for you and your family.

 

[SC Minnie]

My parents divorced 6 yrs ago when I was 30 and DD4. Both parents started dating and their 'friends' were introduced to DD as just that Grandmomma's friend Mr. so and so or Pawpaw's friend Ms. so and so. Never as girlfriend or boyfriend or in the context of dating. At a certain age your son will put that together if the couple remains together for a couple of visits.

Mine have both since remarried and she still calls their mates Mr or Ms and their first names not Grandma or Grandpa.

 

[believe]

How does your Dad or you introduce themselves to Colin? If they are just one of Grandpa's friends then I don't see a problem at the age he is at or even as he gets older.