My child is SOOOOOOOO lazy!!!! (rather long)

[RobinMarie]

While my situation does not mirror yours, I can understand your frustration.

For my household's sanity I created a chore chart. Tokens are earned and rewards are chosen.

I did have to make some changes to the system. EG: Get up on time was the first item. It wasn't a good idea for her to mess that up and not be able to earn anything the rest of the morning so getting up on time earns ONE token by itself.

Having a chore chart isn't going to solve everything but it does move a power struggle into a different realm. Children are responsible for their own actions - if they would like to watch TV for an hour, it costs a token. If they have no tokens you aren't the bad guy for not allowing it, the child must work harder to earn such things. I found language like, "Oh that's too bad, I know how much you enjoy watching Raven and you are out of tokens. Maybe tomorrow morning you will have a better day and be able to watch the show?" and move on to other ways of how to earn.

It is working for me because I'm not screaming my head off, threatening to remove priviledges every morning. She is in control of her destiny

 

[sweet angel]

I've gone thru the same thing with my DS-13. I've taken everything out of his room, taken away all privileges, etc. That only works short-term, if at all. It's absolutely a power play, and as the parent, you should be the one with the power.

They get to a point where they have nothing left to lose, so why should they bother. Especially if they've lost privileges for a long time (my son was up to losing things for months by the time I was done).

I had him in karate, and at first he really liked it, then it got to be a real chore to him. Self-esteem really came into play, because rather than him feeling more confident, he was self-conscious when he had to demonstrate moves in front of the class. Also, I put him in karate hoping it would give him more incentive to do better in school. Trust me, karate is not a cure-all. He's actually been better since I let him quit. He went for about 1-1/2 to 2 years.

I started taking him to a psychologist who reminded me that most kids need to be reminded to do things. His take was, whether you tell him 1 time or 13 times, as long as it gets done, fine.

I've found that if I leave notes for my son, he tends to "remember" to do the stuff.

A lot of it, I think is age. He's better this year, because he realizes that if he doesn't get the stuff done, he can't do what he wants. He still gripes about it, but he does it, and that's the goal.

I don't really subscribe to the "sit down and discuss it" mindset. I'm more of a "do it because I said so" kind of parent.

There's a book I read a few years ago that might help you...
"Back in Control -- How to Get Your Children to Behave" by Gregory Bodenhamer. Might be worth a read.

Now, if I could just get my son to remember to brush his teeth...

 

[gr8tpanther]

Originally posted by sweet angel

They get to a point where they have nothing left to lose, so why should they bother. Especially if they've lost privileges for a long time (my son was up to losing things for months by the time I was done).

I had him in karate, and at first he really liked it, then it got to be a real chore to him. Self-esteem really came into play, because rather than him feeling more confident, he was self-conscious when he had to demonstrate moves in front of the class. Also, I put him in karate hoping it would give him more incentive to do better in school. Trust me, karate is not a cure-all. He's actually been better since I let him quit. He went for about 1-1/2 to 2 years.

I started taking him to a psychologist who reminded me that most kids need to be reminded to do things. His take was, whether you tell him 1 time or 13 times, as long as it gets done, fine.

I've found that if I leave notes for my son, he tends to "remember" to do the stuff.

A lot of it, I think is age. He's better this year, because he realizes that if he doesn't get the stuff done, he can't do what he wants. He still gripes about it, but he does it, and that's the goal.

I don't really subscribe to the "sit down and discuss it" mindset. I'm more of a "do it because I said so" kind of parent.

There's a book I read a few years ago that might help you...
"Back in Control -- How to Get Your Children to Behave" by Gregory Bodenhamer. Might be worth a read.

Well, I am normally a "do it cause I said so" but so is my daughter, so ONE of us had to be the lesser and have a "sit down pow wow" and DURING the "sit down pow wow" she is ALL for the doing the chores and cleaning her room. But THEN we get to the actual DOING of the said chore and you might as well rip her heart out and stamp on it!


She was in Karate, she LOVES Karate, but I couldn't afford it, NOW I can afford it and she is starting on Tuesday again. She is ALSO a Girl Scout and even in the troop meetings when it is clean up time, all the other kids are cleaning up and there is Heather sitting with her arms crossed watching the other kids clean up!

This isn't new, this is on going since I can remember, I am just finally at the the END of the line and have no other ideas.

I used to play the "Barney Clean Up" song and my oldest daughter LOVED to clean and such to that song, but Heather, well, didn't so much for her.

I DO often remind her that I am the mom SHE is the child and what I say goes. And that as much as she has to enjoy in this world, I can easily take it away and make her miserable, but I REALLY don't want to do that, but I think that I am going to have to. Grrrrrrr!!

 

[sweet angel]

Good luck! Nobody ever said being a parent is easy. Just take comfort that you're not the only one who has had to deal with this!

 

[gr8tpanther]

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is 9:13AM on a Sat morning and my daughter comes downstairs with a garbage bag...

I said "what is that?"

She said "the clothes I don't want or won't wear"

She also said that now I can see her floor and that all that is on her floor are TWO empty baskets!

I said "now what is so hard about just taking some time to clean your room"

She said "nothing"

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR


BUT, her room is clean.... NOW TO THE DISHES!

 

[sweet angel]

YAY! Baby steps...she's making progress...even if just for today!

 

[issa]

Did you praise her and show her your pride? or did you sniper and have to get in the last word that you were right?

 

[Mskanga]

If this was me and I knew dd liked karate and could afford it , I still would not sign her up. If she really wanted to go that bad, she would have to earn the priviledge, as simple as that.
I have an 11 year old who would not do anything if she could, but chores in my house are a requirement and they are not open to negotiations, everyone has chores wether they like it or not.
When she says, but I don't want to do it now....my answer is, I didn't ask if you wanted to do it now, I asked for you to do it now, there's a difference.
Normally the problem doesn't get out of hand, but she of course tries to get out of the deal if she can.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Well, when i go home today from work, the THREE of us are cleaning the house and depending on the response I get, whining or whatever, will determine her activities for the rest of the weekend and into the week.

I am SOOOOOOOO glad that it is not just MY child

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Originally posted by issa
Did you praise her and show her your pride? or did you sniper and have to get in the last word that you were right?

This was my exact thought! I know as a child what it is like not to get the praise. OR to get an "ok great" and then tack on the "what about this chore?" Makes you feel like what you just did, that you are proud of, means NOTHING to your parent. Makes you resent the parent. And doesn't make you want to do it again. Why should I bother if all I get is an attitude from the parent?

I KNOW she is giving you the attitude, but you have to be the bigger person, the adult, and not give it back. Deep down she is LOOKING for your praise. She wants to please you.

Personally, even if you have already told her "good job", I would go to her again and say that you appreciate her picking up her clothes and NO MORE than that.

JMHO.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Originally posted by Jenn Lynn
This was my exact thought! I know as a child what it is like not to get the praise. OR to get an "ok great" and then tack on the "what about this chore?" Makes you feel like what you just did, that you are proud of, means NOTHING to your parent. Makes you resent the parent. And doesn't make you want to do it again. Why should I bother if all I get is an attitude from the parent?

I KNOW she is giving you the attitude, but you have to be the bigger person, the adult, and not give it back. Deep down she is LOOKING for your praise. She wants to please you.

Personally, even if you have already told her "good job", I would go to her again and say that you appreciate her picking up her clothes and NO MORE than that.

JMHO.

She wasn't done yet. She still had some work to do, when I get home from work, and it is all done, I will look at her room and do a HUGE thing like I always do to make it a big deal that she did what I asked her to do weeks ago

She did say that she would have it done before I got home (I think she was up most of the night working on it) but that is cause TV is GOD and she doesn't want to loose that

 

[QueenTrident]

Originally posted by gr8tpanther

I said "now what is so hard about just taking some time to clean your room"

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I had a 5-year power struggle with my Mom when I was a teenager. When I gave a little and actually did the things she asked, she often came back to me with comments like this, which just built my resolve to not do what she wanted. Now, I'm not saying I was right, but it always irked me that she just couldn't say "thank you" and leave it at that. So, the cycle continued.

ETA: I saw this was already addressed, but your frustration and resentment is obvious in your posts. I'm sure you DD feels it too. If she's making baby steps, appreciate those baby steps, even if they are made a week later. There is something more going on here (IMHO) than just her ignoring you. It most likely isn't even about you.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Originally posted by QueenTrident

ETA: I saw this was already addressed, but your frustration and resentment is obvious in your posts. I'm sure you DD feels it too. If she's making baby steps, appreciate those baby steps, even if they are made a week later. There is something more going on here (IMHO) than just her ignoring you. It most likely isn't even about you.

I have noticed lately that she is snippier, so I told her just yesterday that we need to sit down and have a Mommy/daughter chit chat about what is making her be snippy and not want to do the things that I asked. This isn't the first time.

Ok, maybe I can go on another topic here...

I KNOW that something is bothering her, and I am sure I know what it is, but I want HER to tell me... I don't want to sit there and play a guessing game, I want it to come FROM her.

All I get when I try to ask what is wrong and how we can fix it is "I don't know" or "Nothing" which I know when I was her age, I didn't want to talk to my mother, but that is a different situation.

HOW do I get her to open up to me and tell me what is wrong?

She has always been lazy, that is something ongoing, but there is something bugging her, she just won't tell me....

After reading my posts (sometimes if you reread, you see things that you didn't see before) I think that I have a bigger problem, I am just not sure how to deal with it I think.

 

[CajunDixie]

This is already a rule... sadly, she has lost many many things, but that doesn't matter much to her, cause she STILL lets things lay and I STILL throw things away! Even toys that she JUST got have been thrown away before she even got to play with them....

She loves my fish tanks, so I gave her one of them as her own to take care of. She feeds the fish EVERYDAY, and I am in the process of teaching her how to check the water and clean the tanks.

Where are all the new toys and video games coming from if you don't buy presents? If they are coming from relatives such as grandparents then put your foot down and tell all of them no more gifts. You're her parent and you should have total control over what she receives. Obviously if she's having new toys thrown away she's receiving presents from someone.

TV is GOD

That should have been the first thing to go.

 

[gr8tpanther]

Originally posted by CajunDixie
Where are all the new toys and video games coming from if you don't buy presents? If they are coming from relatives such as grandparents then put your foot down and tell all of them no more gifts. You're her parent and you should have total control over what she receives. Obviously if she's having new toys thrown away she's receiving presents from someone.
That should have been the first thing to go.

Christmas gifts and birthday gifts... those are the only time they get new stuff. McDonalds happy meal toys they get often, but they don't stay around long....

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by gr8tpanther

I KNOW that something is bothering her, and I am sure I know what it is, but I want HER to tell me... I don't want to sit there and play a guessing game, I want it to come FROM her.

If you know what it is, then it might be a good idea to talk to her about it.
I had to use a crane and a backhoe to get stuff out of my dd at ten. I did have to take her to a psychiatrist finally and she was prescribed counseling and some meds. Unkempt hair, dirty clothes could be signs of something troubling her rather than being "lazy".
So when things are troubling her she is "bad" so she can be "bad" about not doing her chores and not focus on what is really the matter. Do you know what I mean?

Or maybe she is just "lazy" but I guess you have to make that determination. It is hard to judge at this age.

 

[gr8tpanther]

The clothes and the hair have been an issue since about middle of 1st grade. She used to ONLY wear dresses, never anything else, but it got to where I couldn't afford the shoes, dresses, tights and extra necessities, so she had to start wearing other things that only required minimal accessories. She was ok with that long as she didn't have to wear JEANS!!!

We went to counseling and such, I am hoping this is a phase and she will either talk to me or just get over it....

Not sure that the crane and backhoe will work either, but we shall find out when I get home from work today....

 

[RobinMarie]

Originally posted by Crankyshank
I'm still trying to train my husband how to put dishes away and that the hamper is not his mortal enemy

This made me laugh out loud!

 

[Twinkles6892]

My dad and I had a big to-do about my room once. He took the speakers out of my stereo, the knob off of my TV and the sheets/comfoter from my bed. Lemme tell you, after a week of nothing, cleaning it sounded like a pretty good idea.

But this sounds extra tough. I'd actually strip her room, take everything off the walls, no books, music, nothing. Just furnature. Give her back things one at a time, but the second you find them out of place. Take everything away again. And most definataly block Disney, I hate to say it, but tough love is what she needs.