My BIL died yesterday

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm sorry for your loss... I did the same with my dad, no funeral, no viewing, he was donated to science so those things weren't possible. His choice. Maybe you could do what we did.. we had a family/friends dinner. We shared stories, pictures. We had a lot of laughs! I cried enough I needed those stories.

My dh's grandpa did the same thing. He had Parkinson's for a long time.

His grandma did get the ashes back after many months and she had a memorial service and a graveside service as well. His ashes had a plot to go into.

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[tar heel]

What's happening to his ashes? The family-and-minister-only ashes scattering service we had for my mother-in-law was the most meaningful and personal memorial I've ever been involved with. My fil, each son, each daughter-in-law and each grandchild did some of the scattering and shared remembrances of her. We also had a memorial service in a church with a reception afterward, which was very nice but in a different way from the ashes service.

 

[HelenePA]

My dh's grandpa did the same thing. He had Parkinson's for a long time.

His grandma did get the ashes back after many months and she had a memorial service and a graveside service as well. His ashes had a plot to go into.

I am so sorry for your loss.

It was strange I got my dad back the same day of his dinner.. it was like he wanted to be there too but he came certified mail and we weren't home to sign for him so he was at the post office over the weekend probably cursing me.

 

[Evil Genius]

I am sorry for your loss.


My late husband had the same request as your BIL and your husband. My MIL decided we HAD to have a service at her church. I wish now that I had my wits about me to tell her no, it's not what her son wanted. Closure and saying good-bye comes with time.

 

[minkydog]

We ARE getting together tomorrow at their sister's house, an event planned weeks ago. My husband's niece, sil, and their 2yo twins are visiting from GA for the last time before they move to Japan in Sept. He is in the Air Force and will be stationed there for 2 years.

So we're all getting together to wish them a "bon voyage!", and now I guess it will also be a goodbye to Karl.

I think this is a good plan. You could honor your BILs wishes AND satisfy the family's need for more closure. You don't have to have a special service for that.

When my dad died he wanted the bare minimum. Which was fine with us kids, because he was a hateful old snake anyway. However, the rest of the family was pretty upset. So we ended up cremating him and had a service in the cemetary next to his parents' graves. Then we went back to the house, turned up the music, warmed up the BBq and broke out the Buds. My DBro saddled up his horse and spent hours giving pony rides to the kids. The rest of us entertained in the house, telling and listening to stories about my dad, our family, our grandparents, et al. It ended up giving us a lot of closure even though it wasn't at all traditional.

My condolences to you all. I hope your get-together will give you all a way to process your feelings and give your family a nice send-off as well.

 

[Silent1CB]

of a massive stroke and brain hemmorhage. He leaves behind a wife, 3 children, an 88 yo mother, 5 brothers and sisters, and numerous nieces and nephews.

They are planning no funeral events at all (his choice made years ago). He is going to be cremated and that's it. No viewing, no service, nothing. My husband wants the same thing, and now that I'm living it, I don't know that I agree. I feel that at least a short viewing, even with coffin closed, would help provide closure, a way to say goodbye.

I understand that they are simply complying with his stated desires, but it's difficult. I feel bereft with no outlet for that grief. Of course I had no say in the decision (and of course no reason for anyone to consult with me).

If my husband goes before me, I don't know if I will be able to do the same thing.

Please pray for his entire family during this difficult time.

Does that mean no gathering of any type for family & friends? My aunt had same request, but her daughter held a gathering at a country club / farm that my aunt liked & was friends with the owner. It was held in the tavern. Food & some photos. It was nice to see everyone & remember her in a fun way, wasn't sad or depressing at all. She was cremated, but they didn't even have the ashes there.

I think family & friends need something or someway to talk to each other about it. Otherwise, it sort of feels like it never happened.

 

[Jennasis]

I'm so sorry.

 

[Pigeon]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I also want to be cremated with no service. A few months later, I want a big party, with good food, beverages and lots of laughter.

I think honoring your BIL's wishes is the way to go. I think it's profoundly disrespectful to do otherwise.

But a family dinner later might be a nice idea.

 

[minniecarousel]

We ARE getting together tomorrow at their sister's house, an event planned weeks ago. My husband's niece, sil, and their 2yo twins are visiting from GA for the last time before they move to Japan in Sept. He is in the Air Force and will be stationed there for 2 years.

So we're all getting together to wish them a "bon voyage!", and now I guess it will also be a goodbye to Karl.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I think it's good that the family is getting together, even if it's for another reason.

It helped us tremendously to have a Memorial Mass for my Mother the day after we buried her ashes.

 

[StitchFanZ]

One option I've been to is a 'celebration of his life' get together. We've had them at our chuch a few times. There is no casket or formality. They brought a slide show of pictures and videos of special memories that everyone watched together. Then they opened up the microphone for anyone that wanted to share a thought or a memory. Afterwards, there was a simple sandwich buffet lunch. We were able to cry togehther and remember together. It was a healing experience for those who needed something.

 

[surfergirl602]

I'm so sorry for your loss. People in our family are against my husband and my wishes for what happens when we die. Which ever one of us goes first, will be cremated and the urn will be put on the mantle. And then when the other person goes, our ashes will be mixed together and then we'll be buried. There's no way we are spending the rest of eternity a few feet apart in metal boxes and not able to be with each other. I don't know if that's morbid or not, but we're soul mates and don't want to be separated more than we have to be. LOL

 

[cm8]

, OP, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, so sorry to learn of your loss.

 

[4greatboys]

So sorry for your loss.

I understand the no funeral and stuff like that. I don't want that either. You can still have a memorial service for him. Put up pictures of him and share your favorite stories.

I do not want a funeral at all. I plan to donate my organs then donate my body to a medical school. I would love to serve some type of useful service and I hate the thought of my family having to spend all that money on a funeral.

 

[jazzielady]

Thank you all for your condolences. I think tomorrow will be very helpful, as they are planning a short memorial for BIL.

BIL's youngest child is only 8 yo. (the other 2, boys, are 16 & 18). We are going to Kalahari Ohio on Monday, and plan to ask their mother if she can come with us. Mia has a special place in my heart (as do the other 2 as well, but the older boy works, and we don't have room for the other one - he'll understand).

Yesterday when we visited the hopice facility where Karl was at, Mia (the 8 yo.) sat on my lap the whole time and just talked and talked about swimming and coming to visit us. I hope she can come. I am like a second mom to her.

 

[jazzielady]

It's also good to hear from others who don't want any funeral experiences, or who have honored the wishes of loved ones.

It makes this easier.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

I'm so sorry

 

[TI double GGER]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have asked my DH and DD to not have a funeral for me. I want them to gather with friends and family and walk on the beach telling funny stories about me. The beach and funny stories is ME not a formal service. Hopefully this will be enough for them, as of now they like the idea.

 

[jazzielady]

Yeah! Mia is going to come to Kalahari with us.

 

[autumnpalm]

I'm so sorry about your BIL. It sounds like his children are so lucky to have you in their life and I will keep all of you in my thoughts!

 

[dislaney]

I am so sorry for your loss! I am glad that Mia will get to spend some time with you.

I also don't want a funeral service- I have told my family that I would rather not have a service but if they feel they really want to have one- then go ahead but don't do it for me.