My 18yo ds doesn't want to go to his HS Graduation

[Deb in IA]

love ya Deb

Love you too, Serena - but I HATE those bullies!!

 

[perla75]

I would definitely respect his decision of not wanting to go. He worked really hard to get to his diploma, he should be able to retrieve it the way he chooses.

I would ask him how he wants to spend the day instead. Prepare a special meal? Take him out to dinner? Let him decide.

As for the obligatory "cap & gown picture" for your album, ask if he would mind just posing for the pics at your house.

I just don't think teens of that age should be pushed into such things. They are on the verge of becoming adults and about to be granted their independence. He did the work to earn his degree, he should be able to choose whether he wants to attend the ceremony.

 

["Got Disney"]

Although my boys would never think about not going. They might say...I really dont feel like going....but they get it's something they may regreat down the road. Also I am very very involved in their schools since Kinder, so it will be my graduation also
I was also heading up the 5th and 8th grade Grad ceramonies and my boys were a big part at helping me with it so they would not think of not going. Same will be for HS graduation. So my sitiuation may be different.

On the other hand he has been given an out from the school and you....so it may make it even more un-enjoyable to sit through him walking knowing that he absolutely does not want to be there. You know your son the best. You know his personality. You know if this is a pattern with him.

If he gives up all the time on stuff like this than this is one time I would put my foot down. But if he always follows through and never cut out on important stuff than giving him a get out of jail free card this time shows him that you do trust his judgement.

There are things that my boys have wanted to oust out on and I said no and they thanked me for it. That has made them trust my judgement even more. so when I tell them that it is something they may regret not following through on in the future they say " Yea your right" I'll do it.

Than they have said....I hate you mom your always right! they say it with a smile. Good luck...again you know your son and situation best. Whats good for my sons may not be for yours.

By the way...me and 3 other moms through an all day Beach BBQ bonfire Party for about 100 (kids and familys) that we invited. We paid for everything and it was a blast ...something that they will remember. Plan on doing the same thing next year for my other son.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Quote:
Originally Posted by ajk912
I can't see forcing my kids to do something so unimportant than to pull out the mom guilt trip card. Talk about living vicariously through your kids.

To ME, the mom guilt trip card is for when it's really important: "Gee, your dad has cancer. You better get down here and visit him!" "It's my birthday and I want you to be here for my party." It's your birthday, of course you can play the mom card. "You have to go to school because you need an education." "You have to get a job, because that's what 18 year olds do.."

But telling your kid to go to graduation because "I said so"? Or doing a guilt trip? I think at this point the graduate can celebrate as s/he wishes. Forcing them to walk out of guilt, I don't think, would give me any satisfaction at all. Save the mom guilt trip for the important things, don't use the mom card on something so unimportant!! Some kids don't want a huge hoopla and find situations like that embarrassing. No need to embarrass them for your enjoyment if they can opt out!!

MushyMushy wrote:
Define important things. If graduation isn't important to you, then fine. But it might be important for some of us. It won't kill our kids to do something for us that's important. After all, we've been doing that for them their entire lives.

MushyMushy,

ITA! Graduation is an important family event.

TC

 

[JoiseyMom]

I haven't read any of the other posts so here is my .02! He is 18 and doesn't want to go..so don't go. It really isn't a big deal. DS#1 went to his and a year later his brother, DS#2, didn't go to his. DS#2 did attend his college ceremony...wow..talk about long and boring!! DD slept through it!!

I wish I coulda skipped my HS graduation!! Any graduation service I have been too has been soooo boring and long and hot!

Do something special to celebrate! Have a party with the friends he wants, or go to a special dinner and get their before the graduation crowds get there!!

 

[Ariel Mae]

I say let him skip it. When I was 18, and graduating, I didn't want to go. Personally, I'm kinda glad I did go, but at the same time, see it just as pointless to have gone. And as for the pictures, I say get some good personal pictures, and resist the urge to pay a photographer for something you can do.

 

[ajk912]

Are you KIDDING ME? Why on earth would you ask her that?

It takes nothing for kids to pick a victim in school, and in a lot of cases once that kid becomes a victim, there's no getting out of it! They'll be remembered as that all through school and even for life.

What difference does it make why? It happened, and it wasn't her fault that it did.



Define important things. If graduation isn't important to you, then fine. But it might be important for some of us. It won't kill our kids to do something for us that's important. After all, we've been doing that for them their entire lives.

It's funny you bring up a birthday party for mom, because in my eyes that has absolutely no importance whatsoever.

I just mentioned birthdays because I doubt any kid will think twice if mom played the mom card on her birthday. Now if graduation fell on mom's birthday or heck Mother's Day..you can play the mom card and your kid is screwed.

I am not sure if I agree that graduation is a FAMILY event. Most graduations I have ever been to (not many) have limited tickets, so it's not like you can bring the whole family anyway. The real fun is in the graduation party afterwards (if you have one). The graduation ceremony is quite boring. It makes sense to me, that a graduating senior wants to opt out. I get that the family supported the kid during school..but isn't that what you do when you are a parent? You supported your kid during school? It's not like you had much of a choice.

 

[Micca]

My parents forced me into a couple of things like that when I was 18. I was a pretty good kid and thought I deserved a little more respect. It was very difficult to get me to attend anything after that(weddings, funerals, family events).

 

[Ariel Mae]

The reason I didn't like my graduation was for the mere fact that the bells, the cowbells, the horns, the whistles, were annoying. And they do that at the college graduations, too. *sigh*

It's a family thing, that children seem to be forced into. I chose to go. But if I had chosen not to, even though they claimed it mandatory, I wonder what they would have done for punishment. ^_^

 

[RN4Babies]

Wow...I'm amazed at the twists and turns this thread has taken. When I originally posted, I thought I might get a dozen or so suggestions.

If we go to the graduation ceremony, it will be me, ds who's graduating and dd8. My son's father passed away when I was six months pregnant with him. My dd's father and I are divorced (and he works every Saturday and Sunday). Grandparents are either deceased or too frail (alzheimer's specifically) to attend. It's really just the three of us. My sisters all live a minimum of six hours away. Someone made a comment wondering if he'll return the graduation cards and gifts. There won't be any (other from me and dd8) because of the reasons I just stated.

I've never played the mom-guilt card, and I hope I never do. My mom did that a LOT with me, and it leaves the child feeling resentful and prevents an adult relationship from fully forming between the parent and their adult child, IMO.

DS was bullied in middle school (was tripped, spit on, etc). DS never told me; he tried to ignore it, hoping it would stop. It came up during his IEP; the gym teacher had caught a kid spitting on DS, and told the special ed math teacher about it. DS tried to shrug it off when it came up at the meeting, but it obviously left a very negative impression on him. I advocated for him once I knew about it, and got him into some therapy for a time too. Thankfully he started his growth spirt shortly after that, and now that he stands 6'4" and is about 260 lbs., no one bothers him.

Thank you to each of the pp who complimented my son; he is an extraordinary young man, and makes me proud to be his mom every day!

I think I'm going to make a list of different places/activities for us to do that weekend, and let him choose what he'd like for us to do. Thanks to all who offered constructive ideas and suggestions; you've been a tremendous help!

 

[Micca]

6'4" & 260??? Whatever he says GOES

 

[C.Ann]

That's a tough one. If he is that adamant I don't know that I would force it. But have you thought about having his picture made in his cap and gown? Then maybe just your family going out for a nice dinner to celebrate? Even though he was not happy in HS it sounds like he accomplished quite a lot in his 4 years there.

---------------

I really like this idea..

But even if he doesn't agree to the above, I would let him skip it..

 

[MrsPete]

It's a milestone, a rite of passage -- and NOT just for him, but for the whole family. It's a celebration of that difficult start he had and the fact that he overcame it. It's a celebration of what you've done for him as a parent. It isn't like you're asking him to do something time consuming or difficult. You're asking him to show up and take part in a ceremony. He doesn't have to think, plan, facilitate, or in any other way do anything. He just has to show up and walk.

NOT going seems almost rude to you, his parents.

 

[daisax]

It's a milestone, a rite of passage -- and NOT just for him, but for the whole family. It's a celebration of that difficult start he had and the fact that he overcame it. It's a celebration of what you've done for him as a parent. It isn't like you're asking him to do something time consuming or difficult. You're asking him to show up and take part in a ceremony. He doesn't have to think, plan, facilitate, or in any other way do anything. He just has to show up and walk.

Perhaps for this particular student it IS difficult. Perhaps for this particular student, listening to classmates who weren't tormented deliver odes to the happiest days of their lives spent at ____ High would be painful. Perhaps watching certain people accept their diplomas to hoots and hollers from the class and their fan club in the audience will remind him how those same students tormented him (or looked the other way when he was tormented).

I was a good student and though I was bullied in middle school had a nice enough high school experience and I still thought it was a terrifically phony production celebrating time spent with people I knew I wouldn't have much of anything to do with the rest of my life. In my mind I was already gone.

If this young man is already gone... let him be gone.

 

[RN4Babies]

Perhaps for this particular student it IS difficult. Perhaps for this particular student, listening to classmates who weren't tormented deliver odes to the happiest days of their lives spent at ____ High would be painful. Perhaps watching certain people accept their diplomas to hoots and hollers from the class and their fan club in the audience will remind him how those same students tormented him (or looked the other way when he was tormented).

I was a good student and though I was bullied in middle school had a nice enough high school experience and I still thought it was a terrifically phony production celebrating time spent with people I knew I wouldn't have much of anything to do with the rest of my life. In my mind I was already gone.

If this young man is already gone... let him be gone.

Thank you so much for your insight and understanding. My son told me this afternoon that watching the kids who used to bully him receive their diplomas disgusts and angers him. He's somewhat comforted that the school district now has very strict policies regarding bullying, but the damage was done seven years ago when he was a victim. As he put it, "It's like a scar being ripped open without anesthesia."

I didn't realize this was the root of his not wanting to go until he confided in me just a few minutes ago...and then I read this post. Quite the coincidence!

 

[Plantlady]

DH didn't go to his HS graduation, DMIL didn't go to hers.

They're both fine, well adjusted people.

DH did go to his college graduation for his undergraduate degree, because I went to mine.. and he thought it looked like a fun experience. However he's not going for his masters. We'll just have a party, and skip the boring stuff.

Your son will be fine.

 

[Deb in IA]

Thank you so much for your insight and understanding. My son told me this afternoon that watching the kids who used to bully him receive their diplomas disgusts and angers him. He's somewhat comforted that the school district now has very strict policies regarding bullying, but the damage was done seven years ago when he was a victim. As he put it, "It's like a scar being ripped open without anesthesia."

It is clear that one size does NOT fit all here.

You guys go and have a great weekend in Chicago. Especially your DS - he deserves it!

 

[CathrynRose]

I havent read all the replies - but I wanted to toss out there my son will be graduating HS in June.

He has no intention of attending the ceremony and already asked his principal, since he's friendly with her, how he can go about getting his diploma, since he won't be there. Theyre going to just give it to him, when they have it.

I think 'forcing' a kid to go is ridiculous.

 

[scottishduffy]

Have not read through the entire thread yet, but I would say let the boy skip and have fun yourselves!

I skipped my HS graduation 10 yrs ago and have not regretted it once. I HATED high school. I did not have any friends in my grade. In younger HS years i had been teased daily, in the older HS years a was just on outcast. I spent every lunch hour alone in the locker room. I did not like any of the other kids at my small private school and did not wish to be forced spending an entire evening trying to socialize with them. The school did not provide me with any fond memories... i felt no compulsion to be there for graduation. I just wanted OUT as soon as possible.

My school flipped out when i said I wasn't going to attend graduation. They called me into the office 3 different times to discuss it. Called my parents as well. Then they said if i did not attend graduation they would hold my diploma and not allow me to pick it up. Oh well, I did not care about the formal HS diploma.

My parents and I went on vacation and had a *wonderful* time! Much better than graduation would have been.

 

[C.Ann]

When my son-in-law graduated from college he was exempt from taking any exams (due to his outstanding grades - a bit of a "brainiac" - LOL) and chose not to go to his graduation (or fill out the paper work for the "Who's Who In Amercian Colleges").. Why? He was in Maine - marrying my DD - at a beautiful lighthouse wedding..

It just wasn't a big deal to him (although his parents were horrified that he chose not to be in the "spot light") and he later told me that the only reason he went to his high school graduation was because his mother cried all day when he told her he didn't want to go.. He was never bullied; very popular; and always maintained perfect grades - but he's very, very uncomfortable with being the "center of attention"..

In the case of the OP, her son was treated badly by other students for many, many years - and I can fully understand why he wouldn't want to go.. Considering the circumstances, I think it would be cruel for "force" him and I think his mom has made the perfect choice for him and their family..