much better, thanks all.

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

thanks, everyone.

 

[JunieJay]

Hmmmm, I don't know. I can't imagine telling my parents they couldn't stay with us for 2 weeks...but of course since my parents are dead I'd never find myself in that scenario. However, I grew up with the mindset that your parents take care of you when you are young and when they are old and need you, its understood you reciprocate.

That said, your mother really has laid a bit of a guilt trip on you, and for that I'm sorry. You were really honest with her, I give you credit for that. It was probably just hard for her to hear. Maybe just give it a little time and then call her rather than email. She probably is just hurt right now and needs a bit of time to nurture her wounds.

Hope you both feel better soon and are able to mend fences.

 

[disykat]

I'm so sad for you! While your first and last emails probably should have been worded differently, I think you did a good job of explaining your feelings in the bulk of the emails.

I have also experienced my parents bringing out their laundry list of things they are mad at me for and have a much more reserved relationship with them after that incident. In my case, my parents are older and I think there are some personality changes/issues with aging going on. I try to remember that and tread carefully.

I think you need to start by contacting your dad.

 

[MELSMICE]

Not sure what to say. I think it was presumptuous (sp?) of your mom to ask to stay for such a long period of time. It's a little bold.

Then again, maybe you could have said that 2 weeks would be OK, but if it got longer they would have to find somewhere else, although I do understand why you don't want them there that long.

Tough situation now that there's a rift. I would say a phone call was in order to try & talk this out, otherwise it will just drag on & on, which is, obviously, not what you want.

BTW - before you make the phone call, jot everything down that you want to say.

Stay calm, let your mom get her feelings out & somehow tell her, "I can understand where you're coming from & I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I didn't mean to hurt you at all. Maybe I was wrong in what I said & maybe it came across the wrong way. I hope you can accept my apology & we can move past this as I still love you both & don't want our relationship to suffer."

Even if you don't feel you did anything wrong, sometimes it's best to take the high road & be humble.

 

[CEDmom]

It's going to get very interesting if your mom finds this thread since you said she reads here .

I've have my mom (my dad passed away) come stay with us for a week to 10 days a few times a year. I understand about it upsetting the routine of the house. That happens with any guest. It doesn't make we want to give up having company though. We just try to go with the flow and luckily my DH loves my mom so he has no problem at all.

There's not much you can do now. I'd let things kind of blow over a bit and then talk to her about it. Also if you think your dad would understand your position I'd talk to him as well.

 

[MareQ]

I can definitely see both side of the story here - but have to say I think that once you saw your mom was upset - the emails should have stopped and you should have just called her to talk to her instead.

Your mom - RIGHT OR WRONG - is feeling like she has been taken advantage of and when she asked for a "favor" she was truned down. Again - I am NOT saying you are wrong to have said no because I fully understand that - I am just telling you what I see from her end. I don't think her comments were fair either - she should have understood that moving in with you is not YOUR decision to make as you also have a husband that is entitled to have feelings regarding the matter.

So now - how do you fix this? My suggestion would be to just call her up tell her that you cannot stand the silence and you love her and want to just get past this bump in the road.

 

[luvthatduke]

Tough situation now that there's a rift. I would say a phone call was in order to try & talk this out, otherwise it will just drag on & on, which is, obviously, not what you want.

BTW - before you make the phone call, jot everything down that you want to say.

Stay calm, let your mom get her feelings out & somehow tell her, "I can understand where you're coming from & I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I didn't mean to hurt you at all. Maybe I was wrong in what I said & maybe it came across the wrong way. I hope you can accept my apology & we can move past this as I still love you both & don't want our relationship to suffer."

Even if you don't feel you did anything wrong, sometimes it's best to take the high road & be humble.

Pretty much exactly what I was going to offer in the way of advice.

OP, I know from experience that email is one of the worst ways
to communicate when it comes to trying to get honest emotions
and feelings across.
Note I said "emotions...feelings".
The written word can come across in so many different ways!

You tried to be honest, but your mom took it in a way that you
are saying you did not intend.
Try to mend your relationship now, before the move,
and before it grows into more months.
Having a loving relationship with your parents,
especially since they are moving to be closer to you
(if I understood you correctly),
should be a priority in your life.

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

Thanks for the posts so far. I did try and call my dad, he won't answer his cell phone.

 

[MushyMushy]

It's going to get very interesting if your mom finds this thread since you said she reads here .

I was going to say the same thing! No offense, OP, but you probably didn't need to make a new screen name if you were just going to post the e-mails.

I can see your point, and I think you explained yourself very well. I can also see how what you said would be taken the wrong way in writing. It can be so hard to get your feelings across well in writing.

 

[GJM]

No offense, OP, but you probably didn't need to make a new screen name if you were just going to post the e-mails.

I was just going to post the same thing!

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

 

[taylor1293]

Your mom's feelings were hurt. I'm sure she just needs time to get past it.

On a personal note, I couldn't image telling my parents that they couldn't stay at our house for two weeks. My mom and I would drive each other crazy, but making sacrifices is part of being a family.

I hope everything is resolved soon .

 

[Feeling Like Eeyore]

 

[disneynutt1225]

I don't think I can apologize for being honest, though. What exactly should I apologize for? For making her mad? Doesn't that encourage her to get mad at me more?

You could apologize for hurting her feelings, since that wasn't your intention - you were just trying to be honest. Your parents wanted you to do them a favor, and you said no and listed reasons why you couldn't do it. They have to accept that, but you also have to accept the future consequences of it - they may choose not to do you any favors in the future. It's one of those complicated family dynamic things that happens once in a while.

I for one can't imagine telling my parents that I wouldn't want them to stay with me for two weeks. My DH and I currently live with my parents - we moved in almost 2 years ago because they wanted us to stop paying rent so we could save to buy a house. Now the tables are turned, because we're paying their mortgage due to the fact that my father got sick this past winter, his business failed, and he was out of work for over 6 months. They did me a favor, and now we're doing them a favor in return. In a couple of years, my parents will be selling this house and DH and I are going to find a house big enough (yet affordable enough) for us to all live together - a mother/daughter type of a house. That wasn't our original plan, but sometimes things happen that we need to adapt and amend our plans to.

If you want to talk to your parents - and you wouldn't be posting this if you didn't want to mend the relationship - you are going to have to take the first step.

 

[disykat]

What to apologize for when you don't feel you did anything wrong? What I wouldn't do is the "non apology" - the "I'm sorry you're mad" thing.

Apologize for hurting her feelings. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. That wasn't my intention. I love you and I was trying to express concern that the house would take longer than two weeks to be liveable and that would put stress on all of us. I honestly thought you would be more comfortable in an apartment for that time. I was looking so forward to having you close by and didn't want our time together to get off to a rocky footing. I do not in any way consider you a nuisance or a burden. I apologize for my inability to communicate this to you."

 

[Robindianne]

OP you have nothing to apologize for IMHO. It sounds like she got embarrassed and wasn't even able to hear your repeated attempts at saying, "it's not you, it's me," and "I need to take care of my marriage and my relationship w/you and dad."

Also IMHO, just because some posters feel you should do whatever your parents want, doesn't necessarily mean you should. Just the phrasing your mother used and that poor me narcisistic (sp?) tone lead me to believe she needs to work this out on her own. I commend you for acknowledging her last email w/out fighting back. That can be very hard to do.

Unless your dad says he feels used and that he hasn't enjoyed your projects, I'd ignore her remarks about that. People have the right to tell you what to do "don't call dad, etc" but you have the right (and duty) to be true to yourself and what you feel to be best for you.

BTW, once we are married, for the most part our first obligation prob should be to our spouse and kids - not our parents (unless they are injured, etc).

As you can prob tell, I've had tons of experience bah ha ha w/ this w/my own mom. First time I ever said no to her I was 35. Now at 46 I've had to start saying I can't go to functions she's at because she's sick (mentally ill, addicted to meds and alcohol), and contagious (she's nasty and tries to manipulate her adult children and their children to do bad things), and I don't want to "catch" it. Not saying your case is that extreme, just that you are not selfish if you put your DH and self first. I think she's just manipulating you, or trying to.

Sorry so long, sending you thoughts of strength and peace.

 

[famofsix]

I think you should go visit them and clear it up.

 

[mumzie2three]

Do you think your Dad really said two weeks would be enough?

 

[WilmaBud]

Honestly, I would never dream of saying no to my parents staying with me, no matter how long they needed it. After all they've done for me all my life, it's my pleasure to help them out whenever needed. I realize, though, that every family dynamic is different. Still, though, 2 weeks isn't much to ask, and that's all she did ask for.

I'd apologize for hurting my mom's feelings, if I were you. I think Disykat put it beautifully. If you want to repair your relationship with your parents, it looks as if you're going to have to be the bigger person.

If you feel that being right (in your mind) is more important than having a relationship with your parents, then leave the ball in their court. I'm not trying to be flip or anything because I know that some relationships, family or not, just aren't worth the stress sometimes. I guess that's what you have to decide: is it worth it?

Good luck, and I hope it works out for you.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Sorry, but it sounds like your mom has a bad habit of cutting people off when things don't go exactly her way. Sounds like someone who enjoys being mad at people. Not something you do with people you love- you work through problems, not ignore them.

I will say that you could just suck it up, be the bigger person (cause I doubt she will), and either keep calling her or go visit her if that's possible. Ask her how long is she willing to go without talking to you.