MSNBC Article: "On Marriage: Let's Call the Whole Thing Off"

[WriteDisney]

I think for the chronically self-involved (as the author and her friends all seemed to be) nothing will ever be good enough. For the rest of us who have a more realistic view of life I think marriage can work for life. It is ultimately a matter of having two people committed to that idea first. If you have that then you should be able to come out of the other side of anything that life throws at you together.

That article struck me as nothing more than a very long winded self defense for the authors destruction of her marriage and a rationalization for her selfishness.

I didn't want to "swoop and poop" (See this thread) so here's my response

I agree with what pisco said.. I think that despite how well the author took care of her kids, she was self-involved... I think when you marry someone you should be committing to them.. and kids are a committment too.. every case isn't the same.. but in this scenario it did seem like the author made commitments she wasn't prepared for... And it does seem a bit unfair that she makes all these remarks about marriage, but doesn't really go into her extramarital affair.

ETA: Another thing I was so disappointed with.. was her saying she could pick up the kids on her own, she could get groceries on her own.. and she didn't need her husband for that.. it seems like she shouldn't have commited to a marriage if she felt just fine on her own.. I don't think thats just what a partner is for.. its nice to be able to coordinate your lives together.. but I think your partner should be able to enrich your life in more ways then just by getting groceries and picking up the kids

 

[wall*e2008]

I know many long term, happy and fulfilling marriages. My grandparents were married for 60 years, Aunts and Uncle are now in the high 40s. Friends are in the 30s.

 

[Deb in IA]

I don't agree with the author also.

I don't think love is fleeting. I know the love I have for my husband, for my kids, for my parents and for my sibling will last throughout this life and into the next.

I believe it is possible to have a successful career and a successful marriage. I think the author has her own hang-ups - I NEVER got upset with someone else cleaning my toilets.

But the biggest problem I have with her article is that she says she just didn't want to WORK at her marriage anymore. That she was just too tired to go to the effort of a "date night". Well, if you are not going to put any effort into saving the marriage, or if you don't look forward to "date nights", well, there really isn't much there. If you neglect anything, it will whither and die, and this author has obviously made other things her priority.

 

[SplashMtnCrew]

I wonder if the selfishness of people is the reason marriages don't last. This world is full of me me me and instant gratification. I've actually seen people yell b/c Minute rice takes too long

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Here was my initial thought in response to this article:

Why are these women just sitting around complaining about their husbands? Oh right, because they're best friends and that's what BFF's do!

If your husband is your best friend, you don't have these issues. Instead, the two of you sit around griping about your mutual friends whom you love dearly, but sometimes just want to chuck to the curb.

Personally, I believe that marriage exists for children. It's a legal tie to offspring born in wedlock which obligates both sides of the contract to contribute to their upbringing until age 18. That's why I got married...well, that and for insurance benefits. I'm not religious, and I don't think love has anything to do with marriage. If you love someone, you'll stay with them regardless of the piece of paper, if you don't love them then no piece of paper will keep you together.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think as a society these days, we don't want to stick with marriage as soon as we are no longer happy. Sometimes happiness takes work, and sometimes everyone goes through difficult periods. I think we as a society have not put enough focus on the commitment portion of the marriage vows and instead focus too much on "happily ever after." My husband makes me wonderfully happy most of the time, but that takes work. Sometimes you have to rely on the bedrock foundation of commitment rather than on emotions that can be fleeting.

I agree with this. I always tell young people I know getting married that the most important thing to remember is "This too shall pass" when you are going through difficult times. I don't mean if you are getting beaten, but during those times in your marriage where you two may not feel as close, or he may be annoyign the heck out of you for whatever reason, or you are annoying the heck out of him for whatever reason, or you are under a lot of stress due to extenuating circumstances (parents illness, child illness, your own illness).

My mother's favorite advice...this too shall pass......

 

[C.Ann]

Of course people can marry for life - it's that what they both choose..

 

[NC State]

Truthfully, I think a lot of the "time-honored" traditions of the past are being thrown by the wayside in the name of "progress" and I think we will live to regret it.

I totally agree...

 

[cteddiesgirl]

I've known many marriages that have lasted until death. Quite a few of them lasted 30-40-50 years or more.

Marriages don't last when both sides are not truly committed to the relationship and do nothing to work towards keeping the marriage together even through many problems.

But it is a team effort and neither side can be selfish.

 

[KPeveler]

I hope marriages can last - I am getting married soon! And no, my mariage does not fit the "traditional" definition of marriage, but it is still special and I know it will last!

Yes, we are living together before marriage, but did not until we were engaged, and I need her living here because I am disabled.

I think the definition of marriage is changing, but eliminating it all together? No way! Broadening the definition simply allows more couples to enjoy a life together. But living without marriage I think will end up with even more people hurt!

 

[MrsNick]

Marriages can and do last. What I detest is that the author wants to project her baloney onto everyone else: that because her marriage didn't last, marriage is not a valid institution. It's faulty logic and I resent the manipulation. It really irks me because there might be someone out there who actually believes her hogwash.

Her essay (because it is not an article according to sound journalistic principle) is nothing more than an upper middle class mid-life crisis whine.

The author seriously needs to grow up. She didn't want to make time for a date night and then wondered why her husband wasn't interested in sex. But she had time for an extramarital affair. Yeah, ok.

I myself am a full time working soon-to-be mom married to a full time working soon-to-be dad and based on what the author wrote, I can say I have absolutely nothing in common with the author and while nothing in life is guaranteed, I'm pretty sure I won't have her "problems."

 

[bicker]

I rather believe in the opposite of what it seems that the author of the article believes. Though it isn't the foundation of our marriage, I think that all that is necessary for a long, successful marriage is commitment. I believe humans are powerful enough to acknowledge the value of loving their spouse; acknowledge the value of fulfilling their spouse's emotional, spiritual and physical needs; acknowledge the value of fostering their spouse's life-long growth, development and accomplishment; acknowledge the value of being attracted to their spouse and working diligently to be attractive to their spouse (as opposed to relying solely on animal instincts). (And so on...)

And as long as both spouses are committed, and recognize and exercise those powers, I believe a long, successful marriage can be build from practically nothing (if necessary). It does require, though, trusting that the commitment is mutual. It does require, though, acknowledging that these values are greater than transitory distractions from that commitment. (And so on...)

 

[kellyg403]

I rather believe in the opposite of what it seems that the author of the article believes. Though it isn't the foundation of our marriage, I think that all that is necessary for a long, successful marriage is commitment. I believe humans are powerful enough to acknowledge the value of loving their spouse; acknowledge the value of fulfilling their spouse's emotional, spiritual and physical needs; acknowledge the value of fostering their spouse's life-long growth, development and accomplishment; acknowledge the value of being attracted to their spouse and working diligently to be attractive to their spouse (as opposed to relying solely on animal instincts). (And so on...)

And as long as both spouses are committed, and recognize and exercise those powers, I believe a long, successful marriage can be build from practically nothing (if necessary). It does require, though, trusting that the commitment is mutual. It does require, though, acknowledging that these values are greater than transitory distractions from that commitment. (And so on...)

I agree! I am divorced but one of the reasons I am divorced is the fact only one of us was committed to the relationship. It takes two for just about everything!

Kelly

 

[Deb in IA]

Marriages can and do last. What I detest is that the author wants to project her baloney onto everyone else: that because her marriage didn't last, marriage is not a valid institution. It's faulty logic and I resent the manipulation. It really irks me because there might be someone out there who actually believes her hogwash.

Her essay (because it is not an article according to sound journalistic principle) is nothing more than an upper middle class mid-life crisis whine.

The author seriously needs to grow up. She didn't want to make time for a date night and then wondered why her husband wasn't interested in sex. But she had time for an extramarital affair. Yeah, ok.

I completely agree!!!

 

[tar heel]

I think Bicker put it very well. With commitment, marriages certainly do last. I think a lot of people give up when problems arise. Marriages eb and flow and take work from both partners. It's not always easy.

My parents will celebrate their 54th next week, and my in-laws were married almost 63 years. We just celebrated our 27th anniversary. I also am lucky to come from a family with few divorces, and pretty much all the people who are divorced went on to happy marriages.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

I feel like most people only care about having a wedding & not a relationship. Look at shows like Bridezillas, Platinum Weddings etc. There are tons of these. It seems like most people just focus on the party and not everything else.

I am not going to even have a wedding if I get married. Maybe a small party at home but that's it.

I think part of it is age too. I think younger women still have that ridiculous girlish fantasy of being a princess for a day and rush in wanting the big expensive party.

It seems like most people get married in their mid 20's and I think (flame suit on) that people in their mid 20's these days are often still living under mommy & daddys roof. (Seriously, I work for a car insurance co. and rountinely have moms and dads calling for their 25 year old children because the 25 yo "can't handle these things".)

I also think people in their mid 20's are not finished really becomming who they will be as adults. I am not the same person now as I was when I was 24. People's personalities are more grounded and solid in their later adult years. Two 35 year olds getting married can probably (probably) be pretty certain their spouse will be the same person in 10 years. I don't think two 23 year olds can say the same most of the time. Some people can grow and change together. But many can't.

Also, older people tend to care less about the wedding itself. Different priorities. Again, JMO. But I see no reason why I'd ever need an $8000 dress or a $30,000 reception. That'd be a good downpayment on a house instead. (JMO, and I'm sure there are exceptions...37 year olds who just NEED a princess wedding... I just don't know any). Not to mention, I certainly would feel RIDICULOUS as an almost 40 year old strolling around in a dress that costs more than my car. I just think it looks strange.

And with a less expensive party comes less chance of a marriage starting off with debt.

I think there is a lot of pressure in our society for people to marry young & have a Platinum wedding esque day.