Moving On

[BMWTeamLeader]

Baby steps...another important step last week. It was parent teacher conferences. My daughters grades all A's no surprise. But I finally got up the courage to ask a question I've often felt silly to ask and that was if there was anything I could do to help my daughter in school without her knowing I'd like to know and most open to doing. Per usual I could not get through without choking up a lot. Hate that part. It's kinda embarrassing but it does help to let it out I guess. Her teachers were very supportive. Each teacher I talk to this is thevfirstvtime they have heard of the family dynamic. Her math teacher tho broke down the "I can't involved" wall and tenderly spoke to me about how my daughter is doing emotionally. The teacher acknowledged how much I seem to care about her and given the opportunity (if my daughter ever brings me up) this teacher promised to reinforce that. I am feeling grateful that while there is nothing concrete, most important I feel listened to by someone on "the other side". I guess if there is anything I am thankful for this year it is that.

 

[mommasita]

What a smart daughter you have!!!!!!!!!

Glad you see you still on the positive side.. Still give you supportive hugs

 

[BMWTeamLeader]

Its been quite a while since I posted. I am not sure I am posting for an audience, but this has been the best place to keep a history. Not much to share really. There has been no change in status with my daughter. Another Fathers Day not hearing anything...no surprise there; still hurts.Her 14th birthday is coming up next month. Going into high school in the fall. and I'm missing all of it. At home I have had a rough time with my teen and step-teen which leaves me very defeated and at times glad my daughter is with her mom cuz I am just not handling these years very well and at least with my wife there is a buffer at home whereas if it were just my daughter and I, I don't think it would have been too pretty her seeing me handle myself as I do. I am not sure what triggered all this sadness, but I'm in a space I thought I left behind then all of a sudden "boom". Been on a frustrating hunt for a therapist for the past couple months. I had a really good one that I was making good progress with, but she left the practice, then a replacement I found picked up where she left off and then discovered didn't take my insurance. I guess maybe this has something to do with my mood as both therapists got me to go way down deep in my thoughts then has to leave me hanging with no closure per say. I still am a member of my parent support group - even have been recognized a keynote speaker for workshops and other recruitng efforts so that at least keeps my thoughts somewhat in motion for a purposeful cause. I love my job a lot and that keeps my mind occupied while providing for my family too....so conscious of not turning into a workaholic.....As I said I have no idea where I am going with this post....searching for the positive I guess....hate feeling like this....I want to Run away, but from my feelings not my family and unfortunately it doesn't work that way; just the opposite....One of these moments I guess where I've tried to stay strong so long I just need to let go.

 

[BMWTeamLeader]

Long Time between posts...can't sleep...havent been able to sleep through the night for quite a while. Found a therapist whose really good but digs really deep. Feelings that crop up are not too pleasant. In the end it will be good to get through, but right now it is just painful. Painful that I've let things sit for so long...that yes I've smiled a lot in my life, but I can't say I've ever felt TRUELY happy, that I've been sad as long as I can remember...and the way I've acted out over the years is the result of such unhappiness. I am not excusing my behavior in the least, but I am so overwhelmed with grief and guilt it makes too much sense how things have ended up the way they have. I don't believe I've ever really learned how to reach out for help...or reached out to the wrong people...not because they were bad but because it came across like I was asking them to fix me and what I'm going through no one can fix but me. When my divorce left me more broken than I ever thought possible, I had my daughter's smiles, her hugs, her cooing "I love you daddy", but as whats being explored in my therapy I depended way too much on that to "fix" me. Not fair to such a young child...or anybody. I was raised to believe I'd never amount to anything, that as my mother once said I'd be remembered for all the mistakes that I made; my father for enabling me for so long left me handicapped for the knowledge of what to do; to use my own mind...to not depend on so many people to tell me what to do or validate me enough so I feel good about myself, and now that I have all this knowledge of how much I've screwed things up..I still don't know what to do with it and I'm so frightened that everything I still have will eventually disappear while I fight through this. I don't expect an answer is going to come anytime soon, but in the past half hour as I write and the amount of tears of mine that have shed, I think I can shut my eyes now and get some sleep.

 

[BMWTeamLeader]

Daughter's holiday concert last night at school. Very well done. Glad to be there. Sad all I could do was cheer her on without having her know I was there. I was not invited this time by mom, but because her report card reflects she is taking chorus this year and I am diligent about keeping up with school events I put two and two together. Not out to prove anything. I just need to feel I can be proactive while still being distant.

 

[moniqueand2]

Hello BMWTeamLeader - what does your therapist say about making contact with daughter? It is great you show up to her events but why not go a bit further?

 

[Poohlove]

My parents split up when I was 12, several months before I turned 13. They had a turbulent marriage and I was forced to grow up a lot faster than any child should. I stayed with my mom for about a year and a half after the split but due to circumstances at our house I ended up leaving abruptly and moving in with my dad. Years of tension came to a head and my mother and I had a huge blowout fight that turned physical. A short time later the court ordered therapy for all involved, I went once and the therapist said that because I was the only one dealing with the divorce it was not necessary for me to go. My mom and I had a rocky few years and it took a lot of time and then talking to get us to where we are today. We are very close now so please know that there is hope.

As a parent my heart goes out to you but don't try to force a relationship. My mom was doing that and while I don't blame her I will say that for me it didn't help. I am not sure why she turned against you the way that she has so to try and comment on that, I can't but as hard as it is give her the space that she needs and in that space she will see that she misses you. Keep tabs on her well being and be strong. It may sound selfish but you need to take care of you and get yourself to a healthy place before bringing others in. It's a hard thing to do but it sounds like you have a good frame for which to build on.

 

[adisneyaunt]

OP: been reading along without posting ... until I read ur 12/9/16 post. All ur posts have been like I've been reading a private journal. I didn't want to "intrude" but just wanted to follow Along...
have been hoping to see positive updates from you.
I am Blessed to not directly relate to much of ur circumstances, i.e. divorce,
Separation from a child etc.,
no agenda... just another person/spouse/parent. But I literally read and had to re-read that post. I couldn't Not say something.....
So, here are my hopes for you..

I hope that at some point your relationship with your daughter is fully Healed and thrives as it progresses thru adulthood for her.
I hope that at some point you can Forgive Yourself! You deserve that.
I hope that you can Believe in yourself... we re all a work in progress.

And lastly, I hope that 2017 is the Best Year Yet for you your relationships and all your loved ones.

 

[BMWTeamLeader]

Hello BMWTeamLeader - what does your therapist say about making contact with daughter? It is great you show up to her events but why not go a bit further?[/

I haven't been with this therapist long enough to get her take on this exact topic. But I have been supported over the years to try and make contact. It's been very painful for both of us. Her mom and moms partner don't support us relating and my daughter probably feels caught in the middle. In the breif interchanges we have had over the years (my daughter and I) she has told me that directly and indirectly. She appears happier without me and I am still sensitive to that. I don't want to interfere with that. When she has sent me angry mail as I call it she has requested I not try to contact her and within reason I want to honor that as proof I can and do listen to what she wants. I send her four cards a year Easter, her birthday, Halloween and Christmas just to let her know I'm still around and I still care and I am in no way shape or form angry at her for how she feels.

Both our feelings are very strong. Hers very angry and mine very depressed - not a great combination. Very grown up feelings. Neither of us are ready. I am trying to be at peace with that.

 

[BMWTeamLeader]

You think you have it all together, then in an instant it all comes crashing down again...well maybe that's a tad bit melodramatic but it was certainly a night to remember or forget depending on how you look at it. Spring Parent Teacher Conference tonight for DD. I hit up two teachers I hadn't had a chance to meet in the fall. DD's Biology teacher was very sweet. Sang my daughter's praises, then asked me if she complained a lot about her to me. I had to explain my situation - Again - yet each time I explain I love it when I get some validation back. She noticed my daughter was, tho a great student and very artistic, she was also quiet like there was something going on in her mind...a weight perhaps on her shoulders...The teacher commended the work I did with her in her early years and saidthat I was really good to follow her schooling...I left feeling good. By the time I got to the Math teacher, that all changed. Around the bend catching me off guard (and I imagine them) was DD, her mom and spouse. It was awkward. Mom and me exchanged small talk. DD stayed away with the spouse deliberatly. It was agonizing but I wasnt about to have a repeat performance of her school concert a few years ago. Therapy tomorrow nite (thank God)

 

[BMWTeamLeader]

Such good news...Events in my ex wife's life have made her realize a lot of wrong doing on her spouse's behalf in the way my relationship with my daughter has diminished over the years. I got a long e-mail explaining how better things will be going forward and have been offered a meeting of the three of us in the coming weeks. Day long awaited. Patience, Prayer and perseverence paid off. I don't feel all the blame anymore. Still in a bit of shock, but flowing with tears of joy right now. Gonna be late for work so I must keep this short...Me

 

[BMWTeamLeader]

I have never known what it's like to feel healed more than today. It's difficult to share because of the private nature of meeting today with my daughter and her mom but I keep coming back to the word Healed...there were apologies (we each took a turn) tears (happy ones) laughs and so much more. I've been invited to dinner after I get back from my vacation and a chance to hear my daughter play in the metal band she's involved in.

The challenges that remain are remembering the balancing act I still need to do with my daughter and my new family. Not horrifically hard but I am still very sensitive not to tip the involvement scale too far in one direction. I am sad there is still a lot of wounds left between my daughter and my new family and I am insistent to myself that I can't "fix" that nor should I try. I'm glad I have places to go (like here) when I get stuck.

 

[BMWTeamLeader]

Good news: went to my daughters band concert this afternoon. She's the lead singer in an alternative rock band. It was great. She's so talented. So proud of her. It was great being a part of her day rather than the distant observer. She introduced me to her band mates. "This is my dad". I stayed calm and composed but inside my heart was doing cartwheels and somersaults.

 

[Sabeking]

Just read all your posts and so thrilled to read the most recent! So happy for you and your daughter. There is nothing like the relationship we have with our children and you were very diligent and persevered even when you felt hopeless. Patience is so difficult for most people including myself but when you can see the lessons you have learned along the way it makes it worth it. I pray your family will continue to grow in trust and grace!

 

[BMWTeamLeader]

Last Saturday went over to see my daughter at her house...awesome...so awesome stayed for six hours (unintentionally) . We ate, played Yahtzee, and just talked. Next thing you know it was dark outside. I have an open invitation to come back and lots more clues to things we can do.

 

[mommasita]

I'm so glad for you ! Been following you from the start ! Big hugs

 

[Oregongram]

What a story. What an emotional roller coaster. I just finished reading the entire thread and have tears of joy.
BMWTeamLeader, you are awesome. I hope 2018 brings you even closer to your daughter, your step-children, heck, your entire extended family.

 

[paradesintherain]

I just stumbled upon your story and it made me cry. I'm so glad to hear that things seem to be getting better. I hope since you last wrote things have improved even more!

 

[Bellecruiser]

Dear BMWTeamLeader,

I think you are amazing, and you should go back and read through your postings of the last 5 years...you will think you are amazing too. Your humbleness and willingness to stick to your entire family have been an inspiration to me. One step in front of the other! You go guy!!!

 

[BMWTeamLeader]

I just stumbled upon your story and it made me cry. I'm so glad to hear that things seem to be getting better. I hope since you last wrote things have improved even more!

In October, we had our first visit by ourselves. I took her out to lunch. I just let her talk and every once in a while I'd interject. She has such a good head on her shoulders, goal oriented (sophmore in HS already talking about getting driver's license, then job, then college (already has choices), then moving out on her own). Best thing I loved was that she remembers a lot of the good times we had (even getting lost at Disney for a few minutes at 5 years old). In November, for our day after Thanksgiving visit, DD invited my adopted daughter along for as close to a "family day" as we could at this time. DDA was adopted three years after DD and I seperated. In case you are just joining the conversation (I can't remember that far back if I mentioned) DDA is my second wife's youngest who was abandoned by her bio dad. It was a happy reunion. December I took her Christmas shopping for her mom, brought my parents to see her perform her holiday concert (NO MORE BACK ROW SEATS FOR ME , AND we spent the Friday before New Years opening presents and watching movies. Real presents...I was so excited...Because presents I sent early on in the separation got negative feedback, I opted just to give her mom extra money in child support to get stuff from "Santa"...then I would send a card around the actual holiday...I did what I had to do, but when I asked her mom for gift suggestions and I got a list to choose from...awesome...best thing, my daughter from her experience is very humble and it actually drove me nuts that there wasn't a lot of "fun" stuff on there...I'll give in to some of the practical stuff, but...come on .... I ended up getting her some art canvases and gift card to the local Arts and Craft store (living with two artists I know they can be very particular about their supplies) and I also had in mind some movie passes. My daughter is a horror movie fanatic..I am not...lol..so figure a couple of passes; she can bring a friend. (although she wants to go see The Incredibles 2 when it comes out with me b/c that's the first ever movie I ttook her to see in the theatre) Then..I found my fun gift...she wanted a big stuffed bear and they just happened to sell them where my wife worked so I bought it...boxed it up in a huge box, wrapped it...Ho Ho Ho. It wasan awesome days after Christmas celebration. She gave me a miniature stuffed Princess Leia and an Funko Empire Strikes Back T-shirt...Perfect...FUN STUFF! Although DDA wasn't with us she helped me cook the casserole I offered to bring over (last time DD mom cooked) We watched two movies Baby Boss (my pick) and Daddy Day Care (her pick - keep in mind we watched this movie ad nauseum when we were living together, but I didn't care; she was remembering good times). We have been friends on Facebook for a few months now (maybe since just before Halloween I want to say). I love being able to message her goodnight spurratically and have her write it back. I make it a point to empower her to help me pick out stuff to do on our visits because we are sooo different on the surface I want to make sure I'm not imposing my idea of fun versus hers....so in January...we going to play pool...LOL I don't play, but she says she hasn;t played in a while so I don't think I'll embarrass myself too much