Mothering Advice for teenager

[azdizzymom]

I need some advice and hubby is NOT participating (that is another story). Our son is a freshman. He missed one day due to fever. They are on a block schedule. I reminded him to get makeup work. He said he did...fast forward 2 weeks. Thanks to technology I can look at grades online. My normaly A and B student (and this in on the 94 above is and A, 88 and above is a B scale) has 2 D's. Looking into it I see he has failed to turn in several assignments and failed to study for tests. We talked last week and I thought things were worked out, brought home missing assignments which I was surprised teachers even were going to give some credit for. He spent all weekend doing homework (and we had another talk after I find out he didn't do a math assignment because it was too long). I did find the assignments and now have my own homework list to track what he has to be doing, he is to bring home all assignments to show completed and agenda book nightly. Today he forgot his Enlish workbook...had to go back into school before soccer. Reminded him to get...he comes after soccer game and said he forgot. I am furious at this point and said no phone/tv/IPOD, no football game this weekend AND no playing in soccer game later this week as that is a privelage to play. Hubby says that isn't right...

So to the mothers of HS kids...is this ok for a child to go to coach and say I am not allowed to play because...and tell the reason then sit on bench for game. I figured we had chances and had warned him if he didn't follow there were severe consequences.

thanks

 

[Royalbear]

I need some advice and hubby is NOT participating (that is another story). Our son is a freshman. He missed one day due to fever. They are on a block schedule. I reminded him to get makeup work. He said he did...fast forward 2 weeks. Thanks to technology I can look at grades online. My normaly A and B student (and this in on the 94 above is and A, 88 and above is a B scale) has 2 D's. Looking into it I see he has failed to turn in several assignments and failed to study for tests. We talked last week and I thought things were worked out, brought home missing assignments which I was surprised teachers even were going to give some credit for. He spent all weekend doing homework (and we had another talk after I find out he didn't do a math assignment because it was too long). I did find the assignments and now have my own homework list to track what he has to be doing, he is to bring home all assignments to show completed and agenda book nightly. Today he forgot his Enlish workbook...had to go back into school before soccer. Reminded him to get...he comes after soccer game and said he forgot. I am furious at this point and said no phone/tv/IPOD, no football game this weekend AND no playing in soccer game later this week as that is a privelage to play. Hubby says that isn't right...

So to the mothers of HS kids...is this ok for a child to go to coach and say I am not allowed to play because...and tell the reason then sit on bench for game. I figured we had chances and had warned him if he didn't follow there were severe consequences.

thanks

I am with you. I have been so frustrated with my ds that I wanted to keep him from football, but my dh feels that sports are a committment and you can no more keep them from playing than keeping them from school for punishment. (of course I think it has something to do with the fact that my dh loves to watch him play). One could argue that him not playing will affect the whole team and that isn't fair to the team, but I could also argue that my son chose to let his team down when he did not meet the terms of our discussion.

Anyhow, we have reached a compromise at our house. He is considered player non grata unless he accomplishes certain requirements and then his ability to play is reinstated. I must say that I have only done this once and it was for an extreme infraction of the rules, but he did sit up and take notice and has learned not to cross the line again.

 

[Serena]

I figure it is his commitment to keep, not yours. If he knows this is the consenquences to not doing his schoolwork, then he forfeits the right to complain.

If this is just a reaction from anger, then wait until you cool off. If this all wasn't spelled out before hand, then I would give him another chance.
I would give him one week to show improvement and another to show he is actually doing his schoolwork like he is supposed to. After that, his team will be playing without him.

 

[shortbun]

I am conflicted about taking a student out of a tryout team sport for discipline. I'd talk to the coach and tell him/her what you are considering and what has been happening. Also, I think freshman year is probably very overwhelming and requires some help to stay organized. So, does removing soccer HELP the feeling of panic/frustration/being overwhelmed that your son is obviously feeling or ADD to it? I'd be focusing on helping at this point-give him this one faltera(it's all the same incident at this point) and help him pull himself out of it. He may have others if his organizational skills are not strong. I think taking away everything at this point may be more damaging than helpful, kwim? What you want to be doing is keeping the communication lines open between you and your son NOT shutting him down.

 

[kidzmom3]

we sign a parent contract that states that as the sport is a team sport, and all players contribute to the team. It is unfair and unacceptable for parents to use the games/teams as a form of punishment. If this happens, the child will be removed from the team.

I agree. Why work hard all year only to have some kid who screwed up at home ruin it for everyone?

 

[clh2]

My DD thinks I am the "world's worst mom", but so be it

My DD's priorities are clearly spelled out...

• School work
• Attitude
• household chores - which need to be completed by Sunday - or there is no practice for Synchronized Swimming for the week
• service projects
• sport 1 - Cross country, which ends late-October
• sport 2 - Synchronized Swimming - which is something she desparately wants to participate in this year - but is a HUGE time commitment for DH and me, due to the practice schedule and the distance from our house.

I would have NO problem having her explain to the coach that she couldn't participate due to missing homework, or that her grades aren't where they need to be.

 

[aprilgail2]

we sign a parent contract that states that as the sport is a team sport, and all players contribute to the team. It is unfair and unacceptable for parents to use the games/teams as a form of punishment. If this happens, the child will be removed from the team.

I agree. Why work hard all year only to have some kid who screwed up at home ruin it for everyone?

I agree---especially if it was a game and not a practice...you are punishing the entire team not just your own child.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

For starters, you have got to get on the same page with your DH. He needs to get involved with the homework issue. I recommend all 3 of you sitting down and going over his online homework daily.

And then you need to both agree to discuss things in private and then come up with a verdict.

If anything, being a united front has been the biggest power in the house when it comes to the older kids.

As for the sports issue, I have 2 dd's and they do not play sports. My thought is that I would try and do something first (you and dh come to an agreement with consequences that are written down).

 

[MK2thcleaner]

I would punish him in another way, rather than not allowing him to play. The school will let him know when he can't play according to their academic standards. I would lay out a new plan, that specifies what happens in the future if he doesn't live up to his academic responsibilities then stick with that.

I completely understand your worries though! My son is a "gifted" student and is capable of straight A's. He has yet to have all A's in nearly 2 years. He just can't get himself riled up enough to be interested in doing his best. He doesn't do horrible mind you, just the occassional C on a test or late or not handed in paper that brings the grade down to a B or C. This year he's living with the consequence of being in regular geometry because he missed handing in so many papers and didn't study for a test and didn't get an A in his 8th grade algebra. So now he sees what the counselors and the facilitator were talking about when they said he should keep it together and get into honors geometry because he'd be in class with kids who hated math and didn't want to be there. Now he complains he should be in honors geo and I just say, too bad so sad.

Since it's high school though, I'm cracking down even more and trying to be more involved in his work. Yes, it's his responisibility, but as a parent I get to determine what the standards are, since I know he's capable. My biggest frustration right now is that the new online access system is not up yet, so I only have his word to go on. Once the system is up, we are going to a weekly review of work and late or missing papers will mean a loss of priviledges. Also low grades will require review of the topics and possible tutoring if it's consistently the same subject. It won't take too long for him to see that I mean business.

Good luck with your son! I know it's hard and all we're trying to do is the right thing by our kids.

 

[momx2]

I need some advice and hubby is NOT participating (that is another story). Our son is a freshman. He missed one day due to fever. They are on a block schedule. I reminded him to get makeup work. He said he did...fast forward 2 weeks. Thanks to technology I can look at grades online. My normaly A and B student (and this in on the 94 above is and A, 88 and above is a B scale) has 2 D's. Looking into it I see he has failed to turn in several assignments and failed to study for tests. We talked last week and I thought things were worked out, brought home missing assignments which I was surprised teachers even were going to give some credit for. He spent all weekend doing homework (and we had another talk after I find out he didn't do a math assignment because it was too long). I did find the assignments and now have my own homework list to track what he has to be doing, he is to bring home all assignments to show completed and agenda book nightly. Today he forgot his Enlish workbook...had to go back into school before soccer. Reminded him to get...he comes after soccer game and said he forgot. I am furious at this point and said no phone/tv/IPOD, no football game this weekend AND no playing in soccer game later this week as that is a privelage to play. Hubby says that isn't right...

So to the mothers of HS kids...is this ok for a child to go to coach and say I am not allowed to play because...and tell the reason then sit on bench for game. I figured we had chances and had warned him if he didn't follow there were severe consequences.

I haven't read the replies on the thread, but I feel very strongly that you should NOT punish your child by taking him out of a team sport for one game. You are also punishing his teammates by doing this. He has made a commitment and should stand by it. Now, if things get worse and you need to totally take him off the team, maybe...still punishing the team IMO. I think if he continues just don't let him participate in any team sports at the beginning of the next season so the team is prepared.

 

[kellyg403]

I have dealt with a similar situation. My ds had a couple years there deciding which homework to do and turn in, etc. He is totally capable of at least straight B's..but I am quite sure straight A's. My dh is like yours and says once on the team..only the coach can bench him. So, I gave him and ds 8th grade football. He didn't get stellar grades because he didn't turn anything in and it seemed like none of the coaches even looked at the grades. When he came to me in April of his 8th grade year to sign him up for the weight room and high school football I did not sign. I explained as clearly as I could that I was not really willing to invest anymore of my time on the sports part because he couldn't invest himself in his school work. Period. Oh, boy...you would have thought I cut off his left arm. DH tried talking me out of it several times but I said I wasn't budging. I felt he should have been punished in 8th grade but they reminded me of the 'team' aspect of things, nothing got better so step 2 was officially in affect. By Dec, ds was a straight A student with no missing homework assignments. Now he knew that I meant it...and as a sophomore this year still doing wonderfully.

So, I guess my thought is, he is on the team now, if the coach won't bench him for grades then I would not let him sign up for another sport until he gets his act together. I remember being in school and a C benched you and a D/F you were done. Student Athletes are supposed to be students first.

And I agree that you and your dh should get to the same page, but I also know sometimes that doesn't happen and you need to follow your instincts and do what is right.

Kelly

 

[HeatherC]

I think you're totally right.

I understand he's on a team sport. But....if he is getting D's and the school thinks that's ok and doesn't have any consequences for it, then maybe parents need to send a message to the school and coaches that it is not.

As far as taking other things away, I'd bet that missing a soccer game or whatever would have much more of an impact than telling him he can't use his Ipod for a week.

It's so hard to parent. On one hand you don't want to be breathing down their necks and want them to be responsible. . But on the other hand, it really is our job to make sure we raise our kids in the best way possible and teach them how to be responsible and what the consequences are. If the consequences mean nothing to them, then there is no lesson learned. Does that make sense.

I guess all I can say is go with YOUR instincts no matter what any of us tell you.

Good luck!!!

 

[azdizzymom]

Thanks for the replies. Hubby and I did talk. He doesn't agree with not playing in a soccer game for a punishment.

I do understand soccer is a team sport and it is a commitment but his first commitment is to his grades as these are what will be looked at to get into college. Yes, he is letting his team down BUT he is letting himself down and his family down by not commiting to his grades. I am sticking to this one and he will not play tomorrow. I understand where those of you who are saying he is hurting the team are coming from- that is hubby's view. But I think the most important thing he is letting down is himself. He can do better.

Thanks again!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks for the replies. Hubby and I did talk. He doesn't agree with not playing in a soccer game for a punishment.

I do understand soccer is a team sport and it is a commitment but his first commitment is to his grades as these are what will be looked at to get into college. Yes, he is letting his team down BUT he is letting himself down and his family down by not commiting to his grades. I am sticking to this one and he will not play tomorrow. I understand where those of you who are saying he is hurting the team are coming from- that is hubby's view. But I think the most important thing he is letting down is himself. He can do better.

Thanks again!

I do understand his position however if your son continues on his school path of flunking, there has to be a point where sports have to go.

I think that is where you and your DH need to come to an agreement and then tell your son the deal.

 

[cntrygal]

just remind him that every point below a b is going to cost him when it times time for college in scholarships vs student loans. my oldest relised that i was right this years when he signed his promissary notes for those student loans.

 

[darlak]

Freshman year is a tough year, but I speak from experience when I suggest that you absolutely must set the standard now for academic expectations for the rest of his high school years.

Academically, everything came easy for my son until his freshman year in high school. That's he first experienced the need to study. What I know now, but didn't realize at the time is that he had no idea how to study.

Regarding the punishment, I don't see it so much as punishment, but rather as a consequence. I've always told my kids that school is their first job and I expect them to do their best. So I would probably tell him that it appears perhaps he has too much on his plate to focus on his job, so until he is able to do that job to his potential, he will just have to opt out of any extracurricular activities. Seems like a natural consequence for not performing at his best academically.

 

[sunnyday123]

Freshman year is a tough year, but I speak from experience when I suggest that you absolutely must set the standard now for academic expectations for the rest of his high school years.

Academically, everything came easy for my son until his freshman year in high school. That's he first experienced the need to study. What I know now, but didn't realize at the time is that he had no idea how to study.

Regarding the punishment, I don't see it so much as punishment, but rather as a consequence. I've always told my kids that school is their first job and I expect them to do their best. So I would probably tell him that it appears perhaps he has too much on his plate to focus on his job, so until he is able to do that job to his potential, he will just have to opt out of any extracurricular activities. Seems like a natural consequence for not performing at his best academically.

Bingo. The way I see it, school is their job. Anything else is fun, and if you do poorly at your job, no fun. I also don't pay DD for good grades. I'm paying for her to go to a good school that she enjoys, and I expect her to work at the level we both know she can. If she was messing up like that and then had the "whatever I forgot it attitude" there would be no exta sports or anything else. If you're not responsible enough to remeber a book, you aren't responsible enough to go to school and play a sport. Sorry about letting the team down, but really he did that on his own, not the parents.

 

[Tinkermom76]

I would personally not pull him from sports, but what you do is your decision. He is on a team that depends on him. I would however go and speak to his coach and see if the coach will talk to him. Sometimes they have an easier time talking to a coach then a parent. And maybe you will get lucky and the coach will bench him.

 

[clutter]

It really depends on hte make-up of the team. My dd's soccer team has been together for 3 years. I can't imagine any of the parents punishing their daughter by not allowing them to play. If they did, it would hurt us so much. We have 15 girls for 11v11 soccer. They've played and won a tournament (ok, we were in Disney which was planned way before the tournament was! ) with 14, but I can't imagine they'd make it through an hour plus game with only 12 or13 girls. Now, on some of the house sports she's played, like volleyball, it wasn't as important since there were plenty of subs.

So I gotta agree with Tinkermom76.

 

[sbell111]

I think that if you and your husband are not in agreement on the punishment, then you need to continue that discussion and find some other way to mete out punishment. Making arbitrary punishment decisions that your spouse does not agree with is no way to raise a child (or to have a marriage).