Mother of the Year here!

[dis ms.]

I haven't had time to read all of the responses but I have to agree with the posters that are saying I would be mad if I were the other parents ( I hope I didn't miss a post stating that she had persmission).

She did get permission from the friend's mother (the friend called her mom before they went). However, I'm not sure that the other mother knew what she was saying yes to. In that case, it would be her own fault for agreeing to let her daughter watch the movie before looking into it. Well, the OP did say the friend's mom is more lenient than she is, so maybe she did know what she was agreeing to.

 

[vivilasvegas]

Sorry! I didn't realize these threads had a time limit. Maybe they should just self-destruct or automatically lock after X days?

 

[justhat]

I don't understand why even after the OP admitted to making a mistake, admitting that she should have left but didn't, that people are still harping on her about this. And honestly, for the life of me, I cannot figure out why it is so incredibly horrible for 11yos to see nudity and sex on tv. Like I said, I saw all of that well younger than 11 and never 'practiced' any of it as a kid. It didn't make me want to run out and find a boyfriend or anything like that. And like I said, I came from a liberal home, where there was never talk of abstinence till marriage or anything like that. 11yos know what sex is, if you think they don't you're mistaken. I mean, don't all girls have one of those books by that age, describing what happens to their bodies, boys bodies, and why? Mine showed drawings of men and women in very intimate positions so clearly seeing it in a movie would not have been the shock of my life. I am in no way saying that you should throw sex and nudity on kids, but I really fail to see the harm in some accidental viewing.

 

[Feralpeg]

No answer that I give for this is going to satisfy anyone. I'm just going to come off as selfish, but oh well. I honestly don't know how long the nudity went on. It did seem like forever. How long is too long? They had already seen the nudity. Leaving wasn't going to erase that image. Chalk it up to me being an irresponisble parent or just plain selfish, but I wanted to see the movie. There, I said it, now bash away. If either girl had come to me and said that they didn't want to watch it any longer, I would have taken them out. I did keep my eyes on them. (the back of thier heads anyway) I sat there contemplating whether or not to leave. Finally, the sex scenes slowed and the plot kicked in. I have to get to work now, but I will try to eloborate further this evening if this isn't enough for anyone. But honestly, there isn't a good answer. Sorry.

Don't beat yourself up about this. As parents, we've all done things, that after the fact, we think might not have been a great idea. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

JMHO, you will not change the minds of those that think what you did was a problem. In the long run, their opinions don't really matter. It is your responsibility as a mom and your beliefs that count. If you think you handled it well, that is what counts. If not, I'm sure you will think about it a little more next time. None of us are perfect parents regardless of what you might read here. If I were you, I wouldn't waste any more time trying to justify your actions to others. You don't owe anyone anything. I think you've done a wonderful job handling this thread.

 

[txgirl]

11yos know what sex is, if you think they don't you're mistaken.

Where did you get this info? Do you have an 11 year old?

 

[NMAmy]

Where did you get this info? Do you have an 11 year old?

Well, I don't know about justhat but I have a 15 yo dd and yes, at 11, she knew about sex. And how do I know that she knew? I explained it to her at a younger age than 11.

 

[Feralpeg]

Where did you get this info? Do you have an 11 year old?

Mine did. In fact, we watched a documentary about how babies are conceived and how they develop when she was about 8 years old. It was great watching this with her and talking about it.

I'm sure that some children have no knowledge of sex at 11 years old, but many do. When I taught sixth grade, I was amazed at some of the things I would overhear kids talking about. In fact, I once asked some girls about a conversation they were having about gay people. I asked them how they had learned this information. They told me that other kids talk about it all the time, especially their older siblings. I taught in an upper middle-class area, so it wasn't like the kids were exposed to things on the street.

 

[poohandwendy]

(just for the sake of discussion and not aimed at the OP , in particular)

There is a HUGE difference in kids knowing what sex is and being exposed to an extended period of time full of graphic sexual images. The OP, herself, said she may as well let her look at porn. So, it obviously was pretty bad. I give the OP credit for her candidness and how she has dealt with this thread.

but, I keep hearing, 'I saw this or that and wasn't harmed"...so, going with that theory... well, I smoked pot and cigarettes when I was young, drank alcohol excessively, I jumped off a 60 ft bridge, I never wore a seatbelt, I was bottlefed, I was driven home MANY times by people who had been drinking, I was violently date raped at 16...all of those things (and more) and I think I turned out fine.

So, should we just not have limits? Not make any decisions as parents? Not have any adult input for our minor children (who cannot reason as an adult yet)? Is ANY age appropriate for ANY material (sex, violence, adult content)? I mean, if all of this is no big deal, then why have parents at all?

 

[txgirl]

Mine did. In fact, we watched a documentary about how babies are conceived and how they develop when she was about 8 years old. It was great watching this with her and talking about it.

I'm sure that some children have no knowledge of sex at 11 years old, but many do. When I taught sixth grade, I was amazed at some of the things I would overhear kids talking about. In fact, I once asked some girls about a conversation they were having about gay people. I asked them how they had learned this information. They told me that other kids talk about it all the time, especially their older siblings. I taught in an upper middle-class area, so it wasn't like the kids were exposed to things on the street.

While I am certain that there are 11 year olds who know about sex (mine does, but I taught her) I can't see how the previous poster would state that if I think they don't then "I'm mistaken". Not all schools in all areas are as advanced in their social life as others. My daughter is 11 and 5th grade is still elementary school for starters.

The thread keeps going for me because I am soooo intrigued by this way of thinking.... How can you compare the kind of sex in the movie to what you want your daughters to be taught????? Not you Feralpeg, but there are people who have posted "what's the big deal with nudity"

HELLO! Nudity is mostly a private thing in this country. We aren't nudists and if you are then it makes total sense as to why we should all be so *comfortable* with it. Modesty is a dying mentality but I have raised my girls to be modest. They shouldn't be soooo comfortable with strutting around naked and looking at everyone else naked that they are no longer modest with their own bodies.

You can be modest and conservative and still *love* your body. (I know the "love your body" posts are coming )

I will never understand the "I was raised this way and I turned out okay" mentality! There are always people who were raised in less than ideal circumstances and still turn out okay, even better sometimes. That's not supposed to be the standard. For goodness sakes if we aren't trying to do better than that then what are we doing?

I know there were circumstances in my life that I survived and "got through" but I wouldn't dare place my children in those circumstances just because, "hey, I did just fine " That seems like such a weird parenting style to me. I guess we all have different standards and I'm not even talking about the OP and haven't for quite some time. I'm going to be forever in awe of how people can say "expose'em, cause it's coming there way anyway". What a defeatist attitude.

They deserve the best. I will set the bar high because I won't lower my standard for them. They deserve to be protected from what I can. There are things that may come their way and while I may be there to heal the wound and talk about it I won't be the one to inflict it. You can raise your kids to be healthy productive awesome adults without being the one to show them obsence sex scenes, giving them their first drink or handing them condoms.

If nudity is no big deal, then why can't you take your kids into a strip club with you. I mean your the adult and nobody should be able to tell you how to raise your kids, right?

 

[txgirl]

(just for the sake of discussion and not aimed at the OP , in particular)

There is a HUGE difference in kids knowing what sex is and being exposed to an extended period of time full of graphic sexual images. The OP, herself, said she may as well let her look at porn. So, it obviously was pretty bad. I give the OP credit for her candidness and how she has dealt with this thread.

but, I keep hearing, 'I saw this or that and wasn't harmed"...so, going with that theory... well, I smoked pot and cigarettes when I was young, drank alcohol excessively, I jumped off a 60 ft bridge, I never wore a seatbelt, I was bottlefed, I was driven home MANY times by people who had been drinking, I was violently date raped at 16...all of those things (and more) and I think I turned out fine.

So, should we just not have limits? Not make any decisions as parents? Not have any adult input for our minor children (who cannot reason as an adult yet)? Is ANY age appropriate for ANY material (sex, violence, adult content)? I mean, if all of this is no big deal, then why have parents at all?

Basically what I was saying but with a little more detail.

 

[Crankyshank]

It's one thing to know what sex is and how babies are made at 11. It's an entirely different thing to justify them watching graphic sex scenes because they've read a book or watched a documentary on how where babies come from or how their bodies worked. Especially at the preteen age where they are all ready impressionable.

It's naive to think that just because you were exposed to something and were ok with it that it's status quo for everyone else. I was exposed to quite a bit and experimented quite a bit as a child and teen (mostly without my parents' knowledge), and while I can say I escaped unscathed and turned out just fine, I can't honestly say I was completely unaffected by it and when asked to think about it, neither can most of the people with similar experiences that I know.

Especially my exposure to horror movies at a young age when I all ready had an overactive imagination. I'm still not comfortable around clowns or puppets and quite honestly I don't have the thrill of being scared by a good thriller anymore because I have been desensitized. That's a moviegoing experience that I envy of others.

 

[imsorry]

While I am certain that there are 11 year olds who know about sex (mine does, but I taught her) I can't see how the previous poster would state that if I think they don't then "I'm mistaken". Not all schools in all areas are as advanced in their social life as others. My daughter is 11 and 5th grade is still elementary school for starters.

The thread keeps going for me because I am soooo intrigued by this way of thinking.... How can you compare the kind of sex in the movie to what you want your daughters to be taught????? Not you Feralpeg, but there are people who have posted "what's the big deal with nudity"

HELLO! Nudity is mostly a private thing in this country. We aren't nudists and if you are then it makes total sense as to why we should all be so *comfortable* with it. Modesty is a dying mentality but I have raised my girls to be modest. They shouldn't be soooo comfortable with strutting around naked and looking at everyone else naked that they are no longer modest with their own bodies.

You can be modest and conservative and still *love* your body. (I know the "love your body" posts are coming )

I will never understand the "I was raised this way and I turned out okay" mentality! There are always people who were raised in less than ideal circumstances and still turn out okay, even better sometimes. That's not supposed to be the standard. For goodness sakes if we aren't trying to do better than that then what are we doing?

I know there were circumstances in my life that I survived and "got through" but I wouldn't dare place my children in those circumstances just because, "hey, I did just fine " That seems like such a weird parenting style to me. I guess we all have different standards and I'm not even talking about the OP and haven't for quite some time. I'm going to be forever in awe of how people can say "expose'em, cause it's coming there way anyway". What a defeatist attitude.

They deserve the best. I will set the bar high because I won't lower my standard for them. They deserve to be protected from what I can. There are things that may come their way and while I may be there to heal the wound and talk about it I won't be the one to inflict it. You can raise your kids to be healthy productive awesome adults without being the one to show them obsence sex scenes, giving them their first drink or handing them condoms.

If nudity is no big deal, then why can't you take your kids into a strip club with you. I mean your the adult and nobody should be able to tell you how to raise your kids, right?

I think your answer is very eloquent - I would not change a word

 

[luvflorida]

The thread keeps going for me because I am soooo intrigued by this way of thinking....

I will never understand the "I was raised this way and I turned out okay" mentality! There are always people who were raised in less than ideal circumstances and still turn out okay, even better sometimes. That's not supposed to be the standard. For goodness sakes if we aren't trying to do better than that then what are we doing?

I know there were circumstances in my life that I survived and "got through" but I wouldn't dare place my children in those circumstances just because, "hey, I did just fine " That seems like such a weird parenting style to me. I guess we all have different standards and I'm not even talking about the OP and haven't for quite some time. I'm going to be forever in awe of how people can say "expose'em, cause it's coming there way anyway". What a defeatist attitude.

They deserve the best. I will set the bar high because I won't lower my standard for them. They deserve to be protected from what I can. There are things that may come their way and while I may be there to heal the wound and talk about it I won't be the one to inflict it. You can raise your kids to be healthy productive awesome adults without being the one to show them obsence sex scenes, giving them their first drink or handing them condoms.

Very well said and I totally agree, especially with..."I will set the bar high because I won't lower my standard for them. They deserve to be protected from what I can."

 

[txgirl]

Mine showed drawings of men and women in very intimate positions so clearly seeing it in a movie would not have been the shock of my life.

I am a grown 30-something year old woman with three kids so sex is no secret. I am not at ease watching other people have sex. Why would an 11 year *child* be at ease watching this.

BTW those books you are talking about made me incredibly uncomfortable when I stumbled upon them at a friends house when I was younger.

While giving the sex-ed talk to my 11 year old you come to realize when trying to see it from a child's perspective it does not at all seem normal and can even seem a bit frightening to them. I'm trying to give this thread up but when I think about kids watching nudity and sex it just really upsets me. I feel like a part of their innocence is robbed.

 

[justhat]

Like I said, I'm not saying you should throw porn movies (or even movies with general sexual content/nudity) on kids, but the OP did this BY ACCIDENT and realized it was a mistake and that is what I said I do not think is the end of the world. It's not like the OP said she rents porn films for kids every weekend. She said she was really embarrassed by what she took her kid and the friend to see, so clearly admitting that it wasn't in their best interest or something she felt was appropriate, and I completely agree with her, but it's certainly not the end of the world like some people are making it seem.

And no, I do not have an 11yo, I have a 2yo, but I'm 25 so I was 11 not too long ago and I know what I knew then and what my friends knew. I also have a 12yo niece and I know how much she knows (well, probably more than I think actually). I did not say that knowing about all this stuff justifies seeing a movie with lots of graphic sex scenes at all. But I certainly don't think she has ended her child's youth, forced her to grow up too fast, or anything else so severe simply by taking her to the movie. My point was that kids know all that stuff anyway at 11yo, or will soon at any rate, so seeing it in a movie isn't the end of the world, and doesn't make someone a horrible parent. The OP could even use it to talk to her daughter about what went on, what's normal and what's not, things like that. So some good could actually come out of the situation, and I doubt the daughter will be scarred for life from it. So agian, let me reiterate that I am not at all saying you should show your kids movies like this, or porn films, or anything else that is designed for adults, but that if it happens accidentally that it is not the worst thing in the world.

ETA: Who said an 11yo would be at ease, comfortable, or enjoy watching sexual scenes in a movie? I know I didn't and you quoted me so I think you may have misunderstood. I said it would not have been the shock of my life, and it wouldn't have, but I would not have been running out to see more of the same either. It wouldn't have negatively affected the rest of my life, nor taken any innocence away cause it is stuff I knew about. Feeling uncomfortable reading books describing the changes in the human body doesn't really seem right to me. Not saying you shouldn't feel that way cause of course you're entitled to, but those changes are natural and normal for everyone to go through and I really believe that people, especially preteen girls, should feel at ease with their bodies and how they change, not freaked out about it.

 

[Yzma and Kronk]

Like I said, I'm not saying you should throw porn movies (or even movies with general sexual content/nudity) on kids, but the OP did this BY ACCIDENT and realized it was a mistake and that is what I said I do not think is the end of the world. It's not like the OP said she rents porn films for kids every weekend. She said she was really embarrassed by what she took her kid and the friend to see, so clearly admitting that it wasn't in their best interest or something she felt was appropriate, and I completely agree with her, but it's certainly not the end of the world like some people are making it seem.

This is why, despite everything and the fact she had someone else's child with her, she should have got up and left.

Through this discussion people are seeing other viewpoints.....I hope.

BTW (a few pages back) - No one is flaming all over the OP. It is an interesting topic, a fairly non-confrontational discussion has evolved and the OP is happy to participate.

 

[GoofieRuthie]

I'm not even sure where to go from here. I agree that I shouldn't have to justify my actions any further. I have already admitted guilt and regret. This is just one very small thing that happened in my parenting. I have learned from it. When I said that my children actually censor themselves, I was serious. DD13 has even said that she doesn't want to see it now that she knows about all of the sex and nudity. I am not forcing them to grow up too fast. They still watch cartoons, the Disney channel, Hillary Duff and Lyndsey Lohan movies, DD11 still plays with some toys, etc.. She herself told me not to be so upset about taking her. She agreed that she would have rather seen another movie now, but is ok having seen this one. She said that she covered her eyes during most of the movie. She didn't sit there with a deer in the headlights look watching. All of my girls still say "ew gross" if they see someone kiss or see a tad bit of nudity on the tv. They even say gross if DH and I hug and kiss in front of them.

Someone mentioned how they don't let their daughter watch anything but wholesome stuff. (paraphrasing here) When her daughter saw the commercial for Hostel it scared her to death. This makes perfect sense really. If you have never seen anything like that before, of course it's going to scare you. I have no problem with anyone not letting their children watch R movies or uncensored music. I come from a different background though. I actually saw my first porn when I was 12. I giggled the whole time. No, my mom didn't show me. A friend snuck it out of her teen brothers bedroom. I still went home and played with my barbies and cabbage patch dolls. Even though my mom was very open with me, I still learned ALOT from other kids. Yes, I know this is partly because of parents like me who don't censor what their kids watch or listen to. Still doesn't keep them from hearing from it elsewhere. Anyway, I feel that I'm rambling, so I'll stop for now.

 

[Yzma and Kronk]

Anyway, I feel that I'm rambling, so I'll stop for now.

You're not rambling........you're participating.

 

[GoofieRuthie]

Ok, for those that have been worried about the other girl that I took to the movie. DD13 just talked to her and I had her ask if she told her mother about the movie. She said she did and told her that it was almost like a porn. She said that her mother just laughed and said that it would have been bad if it had been men parts that were showing. This girl is at my house ALOT. I told her that I'm going to claim her on my taxes, she's here that often. Without going into her homelife (that's a whole other thread) I knew her mother could literally care less if she went to this movie or not.

ETA: I just picked her up to take her and my girls to church. (oh the irony!) I quizzed her about what her mom said. She said that her mom was laughing about it and she told her it wasn't funny. She said that her and C (my DD) had their hands over thier eyes for most of the movie. The mom thought that was really funny. So, I said, "So, she isn't mad that you saw it?" R (the friend)said, "no way!" "She let me go see 40 Year Old Virgin. She doesn't care what I watch as long as it isn't actual porn". I then said, "here I'm feeling like the worst mother in the world and your mom honestly didn't care at all???" She said "nope". So, there you have it.

 

[luvflorida]

Ok, for those that have been worried about the other girl that I took to the movie. DD13 just talked to her and I had her ask if she told her mother about the movie. She said she did and told her that it was almost like a porn. She said that her mother just laughed and said that it would have been bad if it had been men parts that were showing. This girl is at my house ALOT. I told her that I'm going to claim her on my taxes, she's here that often. Without going into her homelife (that's a whole other thread) I knew her mother could literally care less if she went to this movie or not.

ETA: I just picked her up to take her and my girls to church. (oh the irony!) I quizzed her about what her mom said. She said that her mom was laughing about it and she told her it wasn't funny. She said that her and C (my DD) had their hands over thier eyes for most of the movie. The mom thought that was really funny. So, I said, "So, she isn't mad that you saw it?" R (the friend)said, "no way!" "She let me go see 40 Year Old Virgin. She doesn't care what I watch as long as it isn't actual porn". I then said, "here I'm feeling like the worst mother in the world and your mom honestly didn't care at all???" She said "nope". So, there you have it.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm done reading this thread. It is just making me sick to my stomach.