More teen drama....WWYD?

[Mimi1965]

I havent read the other posts.=-just want to say= it BLOWS my mind that you are getting 14 year olds their OWN CABIN on a cruise
wowsa

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think you might be mixing your own baggage in from when your best friend took someone else on vacation.

BINGO!!!!
Seems to be all about the OP and her issues.
Little to no regard for the DD.

I would not allow my DD to 'switch' the friend dujour on this cruise.

I would respect her decision if she felt that she did not want to cruise with this other girl, for ANY reason.

 

[tammymacb]

Okay, now I'm confused. I thought they were no longer friends?

I think you might be mixing your own baggage in from when your best friend took someone else on vacation. That's not what's happening in this case. DD isn't asking to dump her friend and take someone else instead. (or is she?) I was under the impression she is just not getting along with this girl and doesn't want her around. Maybe she just wants a family only vacation?

DD wants to leave Jane home and take someone else. She's suggested who she wants to bring.

This whole long teen drama has been unfolding for about a month, so it may be a little hard to follow. Sorry. Jane hasn't been here since August 6th. My DD had called me to pick ( Jane ) up and bring her to the airport with DH and I when she flew home after her summer vaca with my ex. We took the girls to dinner and Jane spent the night and then poof...she was gone.

 

[N&B'smom]

It truly sounds like you consider this child to be YOUR child. She's not though, she WAS your DD's friend. I agree with the poster that said you should sit down with your DD, 'Jane' and 'Jane's mom'. Someone needs to get to the bottom of things and if they don't get along, 'Jane' who is not your child should not be going on your family vacation.

 

[tlbwriter]

When you say they're "not speaking," do you mean that if your daughter says hi to Jane, Jane will turn the other way and not respond? Or do you mean they're just not really chatting right now, but they're still civil?

If they're truly "not speaking," I find it very weird that Jane would (a) still be interested in the trip, and (b) assume she's still welcome.

Personally, I think I'd lock the two of them in a room and say "you're not coming out until you decide you're friends again, or you decide you've broken up." Then your decision will be made.

 

[Wishing on a star]

DD had spent several weeks of the summer with her biological father who she sees once a year. EVERY year when she first gets home, she *doesn't act right* add teenage angst and you have no idea what's really going on.

This additional info does not change my thoughts and advice in any way.

Again, I am sorry if you don't need my advice.
But, you did, after all, post here asking.

 

[Wishing on a star]

then poof...she was gone.

Over a month ago now, right...

That, and the fact that your daughter had been away, with her biological father, and you did not make sure to pick her up, just you and her, and spend at least one night re -connecting and seeing how things were going with her, etc...

Again, that is all I need to hear.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Like I said, to DH she's like another child. We love the kid. I won't disinvite her. My biggest worry ( I think ) besides bickering the entire week, is that at the last minute Jane will decide going isn't a good idea, and I'll be out the cruise fare. However, it's a risk I WILL take, if she says that for sure she wants to go.

I don't know if you should straight out dis-invite her but if it were me, I would tell her that unless she and my daughter manage to work it out she will not be able to come because I would not allow someone else to make my daughter uncomfortable on a family trip.

Just so you know, I do understand how you feel, my DS had a BF and things were very similar for us here. But the bottom line is our children are, IN FACT, our children. Other kids will go on to have other friends and will not think twice about dropping their BFF families like a hot potato once the trip is over or something better comes along. The same thing happened to a dear friend of mine with her son and his best friend in high school, now the kid won't even say hi to my friend.

You love this girl because she and your DD were friends, if that isn't the case any more you really need to re-evaluate your feeling for the friend because they are not appropriate. I can't even begin to imagine the humiliation your DD must be going through to know her Mom prefers some stranger off the street's comfort to her own flesh and blood's comfort.

For the record, when my DS and his BF started having trouble I packed up my feelings for this other kid because NO WAY NO HOW was my kid going to have to deal with losing a friend AND competing for my attention. Talk to your daughter to see what she wants, do right by her and forget everyone else, she is the only one who can be hurt by you not her friend.

 

[tammymacb]

Wow. Some of you are taking my comments a little to seriously.

I added the history of DD and Jane, so you all would realize why I take this invite seriously.

I'm not sitting here crying over a break up. My life will go on. I do think DD needs to make a decision and live with it.

All this crap about thinking she's my own child ...is quite silly. We do care about her, the same way you'd care about the neighbors kid you watched grow up and spent time with.

And by the way, the reason Jane started vacationing with us in the first place was because DD ( as an only child ) requested to bring her. She didn't want to "not have anyone to hang out with" and be bored. I had to make a conscious decision to spend the money on a child that wasn't mine. But, it was making DD happy.

If DD isn't happy, I've told her, fine, leave Jane home, but you made the decision and you have to tell her. I do plan on speaking to her mom as I hope that if they make up in the future there aren't hard feelings.

 

[tammymacb]

Over a month ago now, right...

That, and the fact that your daughter had been away, with her biological father, and you did not make sure to pick her up, just you and her, and spend at least one night re -connecting and seeing how things were going with her, etc...

Again, that is all I need to hear.

Wow! Judgmental much? I brought her because my daughter asked me to. They had it all planned out. Maybe I should have brought her home, taken her cell and had her sit on the couch with me all day. Bet she would have LOVED that.

 

[HeatherH]

DD wants to leave Jane home and take someone else. She's suggested who she wants to bring.

This whole long teen drama has been unfolding for about a month, so it may be a little hard to follow. Sorry. Jane hasn't been here since August 6th. My DD had called me to pick ( Jane ) up and bring her to the airport with DH and I when she flew home after her summer vaca with my ex. We took the girls to dinner and Jane spent the night and then poof...she was gone.

I do understand that you really enjoy Jane and think she is a great kid. That's wonderful. I'm sure Jane thinks you are pretty cool parents too.

BUT...your daughter, for whatever reason, no longer wants to be close friends with Jane.

You can't FORCE a friendship. I think it's a little passive-aggressive to expect your daughter, who has not been friendly with Jane in a month, to call her up and tell her she's not invited. Of course that's not something she is going to be comfortable doing.

I think it's time for you and Jane's mom to talk. Keep the girls out of it. Obviously Jane's mom has noticed this lack of friendship lately, right? I think it's up to the adults to discuss this and for you to let Jane's mom know that your daughter no longer feels comfortable in taking the trip with Jane.

Seriously, it's just not fair to your daughter to expect her to take a person that she is not friendly with, no matter how much you like the girl.

EDITED TO ADD: I also agree that your daughter shouldn't be able to invite a DIFFERENT girl along, that just opens up another whole can of worms. For now I think it's best to keep your vacation to just the family.

 

[tlbwriter]

And by the way, the reason Jane started vacationing with us in the first place was because DD ( as an only child ) requested to bring her.

I'm confused. You said earlier that your DD was your youngest and the only one left home. But she's an only child? Does that mean the other children are her step siblings, maybe? Anyway, assuming there are siblings, could one of them take the spot if Jane and DD don't make up?

 

[Scurvy]

Wow....

First thing I notice is the 'US"....

Why does the "US" matter? She is vacationing with all of them and not just her friend, after all. I vacationed with several friends when I was growing up and the only time I went on more than one vacation with someone was when I enjoyed being with their entire family. It was much less pleasant to go on a trip when I didn't like everyone else and only liked being around my friend. The only people we included in our vacations were the ones that got along with my whole family. If someone didn't feel like "part of the family", they would never have been included in a family vacation.

I also don't really understand why it's such a problem that the OP feels close to this girl. My friends were very close to my parents and my parents were quite close to my friends. If you spend as much time in each other's homes over the years as many children and teens do, it only makes sense that other family members might also develop relationships with you. I don't understand why you act like that is so strange.

And, why on earth does it matter that the OP brought Jane with her when she picked her daughter up? The daughter herself asked that she do that!

 

[LuvOrlando]

Like I said, to DH she's like another child. We love the kid. I won't disinvite her. My biggest worry ( I think ) besides bickering the entire week, is that at the last minute Jane will decide going isn't a good idea, and I'll be out the cruise fare. However, it's a risk I WILL take, if she says that for sure she wants to go.

Then I don't see why you posted. You don't actually seem conflicted at all, you are taking this other kid no matter what right, so I'm sort of confused over what you are looking for. Your original question was WWYD and people are telling you how they would handle it but it is upsetting you. I don't think WWYD is really what you are looking for is it? Did you want advice on how to make the kids friends again?

 

[Wishing on a star]

We are talking 13 years old, right.... A 13 year old kid.

And, a 12- 13 year old has been 'calling all these shots'....
The OP bears no responsibility...

Yes, OP, to be honest, we are taking many of the comments that you have made pretty seriously. There really is no room for packpeddling at this point.

Hope you enjoy putting your DD in the position of having to actively and purposefully deny you the wonderful pleasure of Jane's company on your cruise. Cause, that is what you are doing here. That is exactly the position in which you are putting her. That is the unfortunate 'choice' that you are leaving her with.

 

[tammymacb]

I'm confused. You said earlier that your DD was your youngest and the only one left home. But she's an only child? Does that mean the other children are her step siblings, maybe? Anyway, assuming there are siblings, could one of them take the spot if Jane and DD don't make up?

I mean "as an only child at home" My oldest is married and my son is also on his own. So, when we take trips it's often DD and my DH and I. So DD says she gets bored. She's not technically an only child. She just lives like one.

 

[tammymacb]

We are talking 13 years old, right....

And, a 12- 13 year old has been 'calling all these shots'....

Yes, OP, to be honest, we are taking many of the comments that you have made pretty seriously. There really is no room for packpeddling at this point.

Hope you enjoy putting your DD in the position of having to actively and purposefully deny you the wonderful pleasure of Jane's company on your cruise. Cause, that is what you are doing here. That is exactly the position in which you are putting her. That is the unfortunate 'choice' that you are leaving her with.

Actually, I believe DD should take a little responsibility for her actions. I had originally balked taking Jane on this trip because of the expense ( we started off booked on Allure of the Seas which is super expensive ) DD was the one who pushed to bring Jane to have someone to hang out with, and she still wants someone to come. Just someone different, with me paying the way.

 

[diznygirl]

DD wants to leave Jane home and take someone else. She's suggested who she wants to bring.

This whole long teen drama has been unfolding for about a month, so it may be a little hard to follow. Sorry. Jane hasn't been here since August 6th. My DD had called me to pick ( Jane ) up and bring her to the airport with DH and I when she flew home after her summer vaca with my ex. We took the girls to dinner and Jane spent the night and then poof...she was gone.

Something could have happened that evening that caused your daughter to not feel comfortable having Jane around anymore. I think you need to trust your daughter's feelings on this.

Having been in the same situation before - having a child make a decision about a friendship that seemed odd - I trusted their feelings and stayed out of it. Later, things worked themselves out and everyone was friends again. I think you are going to have to back your daughter up here.

 

[stsomewhere]

Actually, I believe DD should take a little responsibility for her actions. I had originally balked taking Jane on this trip because of the expense ( we started off booked on Allure of the Seas which is super expensive ) DD was the one who pushed to bring Jane to have someone to hang out with, and she still wants someone to come. Just someone different, with me paying the way.

Off topic- My son-12 is going on the Allure with a family friend over Christmas, we paid his cruise fare. The parents are covering else.

If your DD wants to invite another friend, have her pay for part.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Actually, I believe DD should take a little responsibility for her actions. I had originally balked taking Jane on this trip because of the expense ( we started off booked on Allure of the Seas which is super expensive ) DD was the one who pushed to bring Jane to have someone to hang out with, and she still wants someone to come. Just someone different, with me paying the way.

And, I was assuming as such... again, the additional info does not change anything,. 'kids' push for things like this...
But, it is the parents who are responsible.
Especially at 12-13 years of age.

You want her to, solely, on her own, deal with all of these major and expensive cruise plans...

I continue to feel very confident in all of the thoughts/concerns that I have posted here.