money & big parties; wwyd?

[GoldieSaysMeep]

From what I can see, this is a different lifestyle than yours. You are not broke. You choose not to spend your money in this fashion. And that's fine. But it does not jive with this group's way of entertaining and partying.

You need to make a choice. Do you want to be included in this group's activities or not? If so, you will have to alter your monetary perceptions to fit in with their style of entertaining and partying. If not, then you will have to gracefully begin to turn down invitations or to attend without bringing a gift.

Your only other alternative would be to have BF pay for a joint gift and/or your portion of the entertainment. That doesn't seem to be an option.

I really liked this response. (I liked everyone's but this one really got me feeling a bit more like I know what to do).

I don't think I want to be a part of this group. I've never been a part of a group and I am generally very uncomfortable in groups. I'm so not a party person. I can see me becomming friends with the people in the group, but not always being there for every party and outing.

I don't want to alter my budget for entertainment and parties. I did enough of that 10 years ago.

I just remembered, BF once told me until I came along, they never really did all of this group stuff as much. Maybe because he was always the only single one and he never went along with the other couples? I don't know. Either way, I know he is not thrilled with having plans every week and spending money on going out all the time either. I know my thoughts on group outings won't affect how he feels about me or us as he knows if an event is really important to him, I'll go anyway. And he's known for a year I'm like this and it hasn't bugged him so far.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would not expect anyone to sign something "from us" unless we were married. I would find it odd if one of my friends signed a card from "us" with a random boyfriend or girlfriend. Some people hold on to cards and such forever and a card signed from "us" with a different other 1/2 of the "us" each time you get a card from the friend just seems strange. And I do have friends who have a different SO every couple of years.

I don't expect him to "take me out" either. We split everything 50/50 when we go out as a couple.

Well that is where we part ways. I would expect cards from BF/GF couples and not think a thing about it.

And that is why the invitation should be "and guest" to your BF. To send one directly to you is weird, from my perspective.

I get that they are telling you to "pay up" which I find tacky.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Just a funny aside, I just got back from break & found an email requesting money for a coworker bday.

 

[kelleigh1]

Just a funny aside, I just got back from break & found an email requesting money for a coworker bday.

My birthday is in 12 days. Let me give you my address so you can send me some $$.

 

[Scurvy]

He's okay with my not going to these things, as well as okay with my not bringing a gift if I do go.

I'm the one who has a problem with showing up at a bday party or a wedding or shower with no gift.

They are inviting me seperatly, not as his guest. For the wedding where the invites have been sent already, I did get my own invite. For the formal 30th bday, I got my own invite. The other couple is a little less formal so no formal invites went out for his bday and their wedding invites haven't been sent yet.

As far as formal occasions go they are doing the right thing by sending you your own invitation. Even though most people just go the "and guest" route these days, the "Etiquettely Correct" thing to do is to send each household their own invitation. So since you and your boyfriend don't live together, if they want to include you then you should receive your own invitation even if they are mainly inviting you because you are intended to be his guest. I just thought I'd throw that in there since it might seem like a bit of a gift grab for them to be inviting you separately, but it really isn't. I am guessing they are trying to follow traditional etiquette when it comes to their invitations.

 

[MaryKLady]

I did not read all the posts so forgive me if this has been dealt with. Are you telling me that people are running a party and they are asking the guests to chip in? Wow that is pretty low and tacky if you ask me.

I completely agree. The idea is to "give" a party. Unless, like a shower, you are "giving" the party as a group, then by all means, you are expected to help financially. But then you may consider the party your gift.

Think of it like a wedding. Someone, those listed on the invitation (ie. Joe and Jane request your presence...) "gives" the wedding. Those in attendance are expected to bring a gift, not help pay for the party. When I got married, my parents paid for the whole thing, that was their gift.

Remember, you can always deline an invitation to a birthday party and are not obligated to send a gift.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I'm not sure who else will agree with this, but the way I look at it, these are his friends. He is being invited to all these events and you are basically "and guest" and as such, I would think that it is up to him to provide a gift, not you. I don't think you should feel obligated to give a gift at every event.

You say you've been together for a year. Are you living together? Sharing expenses, etc? If not, then you're really just bf/gf (not trying to dimish your relationship, but I think it matters in how you handle things) and I couldn't see myself buying gifts for all these events if they are events for my bf's friends.

Agree totally with this post. If these are bf's friends and not yours, then he should be paying your way. A gift should be given from both of you, you do not have to each get one and it does not have to be elaborate, either. You should not feel obligatged to throw in cash for a gift if you are already bringing one.

As for wedding shower and bachelorette, attend the showers if you want and give a nice, small gift--check out bed and bath or kohls, if you have them, for great sales and coupons for $ or % off. It does not have to be an elaborate gift. I would skip the bachelorette parties since these are not really your friends.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep]

Yeah, I'll probably skip the bachelorette parties. I never understood the point of bachelor/ette parties in the first place and even less so when the bride is in her 30's, with kids, divorced once, and sees her gf's every week as it is.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I wouldn't pay for a birthday (although I would pay for my own meal if the party was held at a restaurant). But, weddings and all functions associated therewith I think you have to just pony up. We've all been there, wondering where we were going to find the money to attend all our friends' functions. When two of DH and my best friends got married, both of us were in the wedding (and thus incurred costs for dress, hair, tux, etc), I planned the bachelorette and went to two showers (one of which I contributed to the planning of, both of which I purchased gifts for), DH attended the bachelor party, there was a "rock painting" party the night of the wedding rehersal we all contributed to, I took a bunch of pictures (B&W) and paid for the copies, I arranged for a bunch of friends to go in on a big gift for the bride and groom (and ultimately got stiffed by one no longer friend), and a myriad of other little expenses. Point being, DH and I shelled out big time for our friends. Oh, and this was during the year I was still in school and DH was unemployed. But we felt it was necessary. Weddings only come once (and if they come more than once don't expect us to shell out again).

 

[RadioNate]

As far as formal occasions go they are doing the right thing by sending you your own invitation. Even though most people just go the "and guest" route these days, the "Etiquettely Correct" thing to do is to send each household their own invitation. So since you and your boyfriend don't live together, if they want to include you then you should receive your own invitation even if they are mainly inviting you because you are intended to be his guest. I just thought I'd throw that in there since it might seem like a bit of a gift grab for them to be inviting you separately, but it really isn't. I am guessing they are trying to follow traditional etiquette when it comes to their invitations.

I agree that they are issuing a separate invitation to be "Etiquettely Correct." I also don't think they would find it weird at all to have a joint gift. I would expect that they find separate gifts weird.

I'm late to the party and really have nothing else to add. I think because I totally AM a 'group person' and would LOVE to have this kind of friend situation. We moved 2 years ago and lost our group and I'm miserable.

I don't think his friends are doing anything wrong. They just show their love and support for one another in different ways. I would love it, if someone organized a dinner for my birthday and when I had friends I often did that for others. No one had to participate but it was my way of showing the birthday person that they were important to me.

I don't care if they are over 30 or whatever. Same with baby showers, and wedding showers, etc etc.

I believe that is the dynamic of the group. The OP is different and that is ok too. She just speaks a different "love language." But they aren't gift grabbers or tacky or whatever negative spin people want to put on it either. They are just different personality types.

Now the OP has to decide, does she want to be part of the group or not. Either choice is ok. I think they are clearly welcoming her into the group and see her as a friend but if their activities are too much then the OP can decline.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I'm not sure who else will agree with this, but the way I look at it, these are his friends. He is being invited to all these events and you are basically "and guest" and as such, I would think that it is up to him to provide a gift, not you. I don't think you should feel obligated to give a gift at every event.

You say you've been together for a year. Are you living together? Sharing expenses, etc? If not, then you're really just bf/gf (not trying to dimish your relationship, but I think it matters in how you handle things) and I couldn't see myself buying gifts for all these events if they are events for my bf's friends.

I agree with the above poster. And I need to ask why you would bring a gift and then pitch in to buy a griup gift? You really only need to do one or the other.

Also, when you are invited along, you shouldn't have to pitch in for the meal. I can see pitching in for the honoree's meal if that is standard in your circle, but that's it.